Denial about Naughty Boyfriend

Dear Charlie,
My friend is going through a really messy break up right now and it's all she talks about. Her boyfriend cheated on her habitually and she is aware of it but she kept taking him back. He calls her psycho yet she is still obsessed with him. Even now after they have broken up, it doesn't seem like they have really broken up because she still talks to him on a daily basis. I can't sit and listen to her sob story anymore because I think she needs to move on. I care about her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Am I doing the right thing by listening?

-Enough Already

Dear Enough Already,
You are a sweet, sensitive and considerate friend to her feelings. Nonetheless, you would be an even better friend if you were brutally honest with her. This honesty may be what she needs to snap out of it. Tell her the truth. She may not want to hear it, but the reality is that this sham of a relationship she is clinging onto is unhealthy for everyone involved (including you). Going in circles with someone doesn’t lead anywhere productive. It’s similar to having an unhealthy addiction. She would do herself a great injustice by giving this guy more chances; after he has proven himself to be someone she cannot trust nor rely on. She may have unrealistic or naïve expectations and hopes about him changing. If she keeps taking him back, but the results are not going to change. Her denial about him is causing you irritation because she's not being honest with herself. "First time, shame on him. Second time....." It's painful for some young women, to realize that they must start over with someone new, if they want to find a healthy and mature relationship. Some women just have a really hard time coming to terms with reality. They can't let go of someone they love who has lied to their face. They don’t understand that the person didn’t share the same values that they did, despite what was said. Talk is just talk. The way a man behaves is more important. We can try to convince people that we are what we say we are, but we only are those things when we display them. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, but you also shouldn’t live in a realm of suspicion. People need to have a healthy balance in new relationships by being wisely cautious. Trust must be earned, not automatically given. Some women feel like a failure when they are cheated on, but it’s not their fault. This is a time for your friend to find herself apart from the guy who has been a big distraction to her. It might be helpful for her to hear from someone (you) that you know how hard it is to cut ties with someone you love deeply. Guys who women get involved with sometimes claim they care about things their woman cares about. It doesn't have the same value until they exercise it, or practice what they’re preaching. I would say that you are being extremely considerate to your friend to keep listening, hoping she will figure it out on her own. However, you don't have to take this stance. You are perfectly entitled to lay down the law with her. Maybe she is stuck in denial so badly because no one is being honest with her. You can avoid the topic (or even her) until she confronts you about your distant behavior. At that point you will have no choice other than to tell her the reality of the situation. I suggest that you explain it to her up front. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy. This guy has successfully made of fool of her repeatedly, so you are done with him as her boyfriend and ready for her to find happiness. You do not support this guy in her life, disrespecting her, and you want her to find peace with someone who is a better match. In fact, she should start getting ready to be right for someone else as soon as possible. There’s no time to waste. It’s really quite exciting, but she doesn’t see it that way because she is being manipulated. If she isolates herself during this, then she’s putting herself exactly where he wants her. She needs to get out and socialize; meet other people and find support. Help her. If she keeps taking him back or even talking to him, she gives him the chance to manipulate her (and hurt her) again. This is foolish. Men will mistreat women to a point where it's royally selfish and unfair, driving them over the edge, and causing them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. I had a friend who was habitually cheated and she said "it did something to me that I really don't like. I didn't recognize myself." Men will be ridiculously unfair, and then have the audacity to call their girlfriends "psycho" when they struggle to manage life with them. Um, excuse me, no! No. She is not a psycho. She is responding to your ridiculous behavior! Guys who push their girlfriends over the edge with lies and betrayal, are a disease to the women who keep them around. I wish for every girl in this situation (caught in a web of a bastard’s shadiness) to snap out of it and move on too. Empowerment! Tell your friend that you are here for her, and that she needs to do whatever it takes to rid herself of this guy and his poison. You will be happy to help her be done with him. You understand that she cares for him, but he is not good for her. If she does not get the message or refuses to move on, then you must enforce some disciplinary tough love on her. Tell her point blank where you stand on the matter, and that you will not talk to her about him. You will not be around her if she is going to bring him up or keep seeing him because it’s unhealthy and you don’t support it. If she knows what's good for her, she will make a proactive decision to better herself by getting away from that “psycho”. Nobody can live like that. Not even you as her friend. It’s insane.

Twin Tension

Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend has a twin and they have always been inseparable (not literally). There is a little tension between her twin and me, because she feels threatened by me. She worries that I will come between the two of them. She is having some financial problems right now and wants to come live with us until she gets on her feet. My girlfriend hopes I will understand and approve, but I’m really not happy about it.

-No Twins Attached

Dear No Twins Attached,
How phenomenal that your girlfriend is a twin! From soul mates to rivals, twins exist in every way. Each set of twins is unique in dynamic. Some twins are opposites, while others seem to be the same exact person. They are an involuntary partnership, which may be either embraced or resented. Some say that there’s no deeper connection and understanding than that of a twin. It sounds like your girlfriend has a comfortable companionship with her twin. However, not every set of twins gets along or accepts the constant presence of the other. Not all twins are attached at the hip (emotionally), but when they are, it’s described as an incomparably deep bond. Psychologists report that twin counseling is similar to couples therapy. Twins are a complicated phenomenon psychologically, because they often establish a balance between them that affords no room for anyone else. This causes tension in adulthood when romantic partners enter the scene. Many twins appreciate the value in having each other, and don’t take it for granted. They may become territorial or over protective of their “other half”. They are often intellectual and physical counterparts. They will finish each other’s sentences, talk in their own language, or even wear the same things. They are a pair. Their relation to each other is often how they identify themselves. It’s common in many households for twins to be raised as one being. Instead of being recognized as separate people, they are referred to as “the twins”. One of the most challenging things for twins to do as adults is become individuals apart from each other. Perhaps your girlfriend is more comfortable separating herself, while her twin is having a hard time individualizing. From her point of view, it has been just the two of them all this time, and then you came long to disrupt the flow. She naturally feels like she is competing with you for your girlfriend’s attention and affection, because she is. It’s challenging for some twins to disconnect, because of the history of their companionship. Twins are accustomed to always having each other. From your point of view, when you began dating your girlfriend, you didn’t sign up to date her twin too. You don’t want their (annoying) bond to invade the intimacy of your love. It feels like there are three of you in the relationship. Not good. What you are witnessing is an identity crisis, and the tender process of individuation. The real issue here is that she is your girlfriend’s family. That is the bottom line. Like a nagging Mother in Law, over bearing Father in Law, or high maintenance childhood pet, the twin comes in your girlfriend’s package deal. As time goes on, twins learn to function in the world without their sister or brother by their side at all times. They will always be twins, and that is a very special gift life has given them. As irritating as it might be, I think it would be big of you to allow her sister to stay with you TEMPORARILY, as long as there is a mutual respect. This is something they have to work on out of respect for you. Her twin will always be a part of her life and you cannot and should not try to change that. However, you are now an important piece of the puzzle too, and so her twin must make room for you. Maybe you can help her find a boyfriend…

Messy Boyfriend

Dear Charlie,
I have the messiest boyfriend on Earth. Ironically, he’s a smart and well rounded guy who is established in the world of finance. Yet, he never picks up after himself. He grosses me out because he leaves wrappers and food on the counter tops all night. His clothes remain in a pile on the floor where he took them off, for days on end. I try to help him and tidy around the house, but it’s tiring to keep up with. The sink is piled full of dirty dishes every night. I don’t know what to do. I love the guy, but phew!

-The Maid Service

Dear Maid Service,
Your boyfriend sounds like a talented man, in the category of mess making at lightning speed. You may ask yourself why, if he has established himself financially, doesn’t he invest in a cleaning service? It’s amusing to watch a full grown, (handsome) man create mayhem like an adolescent. You might think of him as a Superhero with the capacity to dirty a mile high stack of dishes on a daily basis. Firstly, let’s try to see it his way. It’s plausible that your boyfriend just has other things on the forefront of his mind. Perhaps it’s not important to him to clean, like it is to you. People have different priorities. Some people actually feel most comfortable in messes. I have an artistic friend who claims she cannot function if everything in her space is in order. She needs a little chaos to feel inspired. It’s just her style. That being said, perhaps your boyfriend is comfortable in the havoc he creates. Just like messes bother some people, really orderly spaces make others feel uncomfortable. Look for a compromise regarding the difference between your cleaning habits, and you may find a happy medium. Don’t expect him to be you, but he can adjust himself in small ways to make you more comfortable. Who knows why he does it? There are many possible reasons. The most obvious would be to assume that his Mom cleaned up after him, so he never learned. That’s not necessarily the case though. She might be a very organized woman. Maybe he takes after someone he admired growing up. Or maybe he is too busy and distracted to have time to clean. Studies show that if a man is messy, he is probably not anal, which is a good thing. Chances are he doesn't ask you to clean up after him. He probably just isn't getting to the mess as quickly as you'd like him to. Maybe you are prone to compulsive tendencies (like me). The bottom line is that if you don't want to be cleaning up after him forever, you must break the cycle. A messy boyfriend can be transformed into a slightly more self sufficient one, with a little loving enforcement. Nobody is perfect and I’m sure there are things you do that annoy him too. If he is the financial bread-winner in the relationship, then perhaps you could afford to do more household chores. Besides, this relationship is a partnership. It’s not your job to clean up after him, unless you make it your job. We take on different roles in a relationship to create balance. There are women who will spend the rest of their life cleaning up after a man. It’s a full time job for some wives. That may work for them, but maybe you don’t want to be “that girl”. You are not married yet, so it’s best to establish your limits beforehand. This is part of getting to know someone (your mate). If you marry him without confronting an issue that bothers you, it sends the message that the issue is acceptable. Then if you decide to start changing him after you are married, he will assume you have become dissatisfied and changed. That’s not really fair. You must have realistic expectations and play fair. Talk to him. Focus on what you love about your boyfriend and everything he has to offer you. The relationship should be worth it, regardless of what comes along. His messiness is a simple preference variation between you. Just like you have personality preferences, this is one area where you differ. You may find it unbearable (understandably), but he’s entitled to be a person who likes messes. If it bothers you to the point where you can’t rest, then he must put forth some effort to make you more comfortable. Set some guidelines. Tell him you’re willing to help with the laundry but if it’s not in the hamper, it’s not happening. Tell him that trash goes in the garbage and not on the counter. You must be persistent and he will get it. You don’t want to sound like a nag, so be playful when you do this. He may not come out on the other side as an immaculate Mr. Clean, but I believe he will improve. Over time, you will find a flow that works for the two of you. You may even get somewhat used to his disarray. A man, who is a little messy, is really kind of cute. After all, he needs you.

A Choice to Abort

Dear Charlie,
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, right when I found out I was pregnant by him. He disappeared as soon as I gave him the news by voice mail. He will not answer nor return my calls, or even acknowledge my situation. I have decided to have an abortion. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not stable at all. I’m not willing to raise a child by myself. My family is treating me like I’m a screw up, and criticizing me for letting a loser get me pregnant. My sister won’t even talk to me. I know that when I get the abortion, they will hold it against me forever. This whole thing has been a nightmare, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in my situation.
-Screwed Up

Dear Screwed Up (like we all have),
It's probably better to be diplomatic on this topic (with all the ugly politics involved). However, should you want to get technical, there are PLENTY of people who would be proud to offer you their support (including doctors). Whether you’re pro-life or pro-choice, there are some basic principles here that apply to everyone. Isn’t this whole life thing about the choices we make? Isn’t it OUR choice? Doesn’t everyone make choices they regret, or do things they aren’t proud of at one point or another? That’s not a matter of belief, that’s common sense. Everyone comes from somewhere different, so how can there be a one-size-fits-all solution to anything? What happened to forgiveness? You know, in a perfect world everyone would have 2 parents and be set up for life, but in THIS world people exist on every level of stability. You never know who you’re talking to, where they’ve been, or what they’re facing. It’s neither safe nor fair to assume anything about anyone. What then, gives people the right to judge situations they have never been in!?! I find it interesting that a majority of people opposing abortion, come from families where both Mother and Father were present throughout their life. How convenient. Not everyone has the means to raise a child on their own. Granted that there are many options to consider with unplanned pregnancy. If you wanted to give your newborn up for adoption, more power to you, but it's ultimately YOUR CHOICE. A lot of women have insurmountable hardships. Those who live in sheltered realities, can’t always imagine the hardship of those who are struggling. Some people’s expectations of other people’s circumstances are completely unreasonable and irrational. You are making one of the hardest choices that women are faced with. I know that must be hard, and the isolation from your family is painful. As if that wasn’t tough enough, you can’t turn to them for support. Then add it to the list that your boyfriend turned out to be a negligent, womanizing joke who abandoned you. He wont even answer your call. Look, you may have made some mistakes, but don’t we all? You didn’t get in this situation by yourself, nor expect your partner to abandon you. This could happen to anyone who has premarital sex (which is the majority), you were just unlucky. Some people will take every opportunity to spout their anti-abortion beliefs. Ironically, most of the people beating their chests about this have never been in a position to have to make such a painful decision. Good for them. How convenient. It must be nice. It’s always interesting when people who feel entitled to protest, have no actual life experience. What makes them so sure they wouldn’t do the same thing, if they were in your shoes? Who are they to decide? They will never know because they will never be in your shoes, and that’s exactly the point. To err is human. For every anti-abortion activist, there’s a counterpart group of pro-choice advocates to match them. Some will insist that abortion is murderous, shocking, and inhuman. Take these harsh words and judgments with a grain of salt, because not everyone sees it that way. Tap into the thousands upon thousands of women who have been in your shoes, and know what it’s like. Women are sometimes so attached to their own personal plans for babies; they fail to see that not everyone feels like they do. Well you don’t need a permission slip to disagree with them. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. The financial and emotional support that it requires to raise a child has to come from somewhere. It’s a shame on your family for kicking you when you’re down, or turning their backs on you as you go through this traumatic event. You may never gain the respect, forgiveness, or understanding of your family. Hopefully their love for you will overcome. You should know that there are millions of others walking with you on the matter. If you go through with the abortion, be your own friend by standing behind your decision and forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is an internal choice. People place abortion on different levels of the mistake making hierarchy. I told my friend who also “screwed up”, that I would still be her friend no matter what mistakes she made, because I too, am "mistaking". We all are. You will be alright. The fact that you don’t pop a kid out without thinking is a responsible decision in my opinion.

Rude Friends

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are very different, but we’re in love. He’s in finance, and I’m a student who waits tables. The problem is that I just don’t fit in with his friends at all. Any time I’m invited to hang out with them, I don’t enjoy myself. They are mainly successful business men, and I have nothing in common with any of them. They make me feel silly and unwanted. One of them is always rude. He will interrupt me when I talk like it's not important, or just plain ignore me. I feel he’s cocky and condescending, but my boyfriend gets along with him famously. My boyfriend says his friend is a “nice guy” and never wants to talk about it. Ugh!
-Awkward Girlfriend

Dear Awkward Girlfriend,
I think that differences can complement each other beautifully, and be healthy for a relationship. Social differences are OK too, as long as they’re respectful. It sounds like his friends have respect issues. This is the stuff that comedic movies are made of. If you’re struggling to fit into your boyfriends’ circle of arrogant friends, then I’d say to stop trying. You go to his social events out of respect for him. His friends come with the package, but you don’t have to put up with them if they're going to be jerks. You need friends of your own. If your boyfriend respects you, he should listen and care how his arrogant friends are making you feel… unless he wants to snuggle up to them at night. You can explain to him that they treat you differently than they treat him. You are not one of the guys. Some of his friends may be selfish and want him all to themselves. Friends, who have known each other for a long time, naturally regress when they get together. Sometimes they are territorial. This is immature, and they should get a life. Do they not have girlfriends of their own? They definitely make you appreciate your own friends, all the more. You are not obligated to mesh with them. Set some guidelines for yourself: make an appearance only when absolutely necessary, smile, wave, be polite and courteous... then roll your eyes and promptly down a glass of champagne. Just kidding! (I have used this tactic before) Whether it’s that they personally dislike you, or just don’t want girlfriends around, boys will be boys. Men on the other hand, take charge and make their lady feel special and like she is a priority. His friends may feel threatened by you because you are the new woman in his life. Well that’s too bad for them. A huge part of growing up is becoming independent. People who never break away from immature associations, don’t really grow. If you can’t be in his social circle without getting upset or offended, then don’t be. It’s that simple. Stop going. Let him have his guy time, while you do other things. Your world doesn’t evolve around him and it definitely doesn’t have to encompass jerks. You have better things to do than hang out with his cocky pals, especially if they act like they don’t want you there. Do you think you’re silly? Don’t let them belittle you or make you feel insignificant. You are special to your boyfriend, and that’s whose opinion matters. Imagine they are like coworkers you have to interact with, but not necessarily like. Be above the situation by letting it roll off your shoulders. If they are being rude or obnoxious, then feel free to give them back what they dish out, or suddenly have somewhere to be. Your boyfriend will get the point. Sometimes this is more effective than being direct, when your boyfriend is in denial that his friends are assholes. You may find they respect you more if you’re not around as much, but you don’t have to win their approval. Take an assertive stance. Some guys like to see how far they can push your buttons. You didn’t join a fraternity when you started dating your boyfriend. You are not subject to an initiation process of his friends’ approval. I used to not get along with one of my husband’s friends, but I eventually won him over by not giving a d@mn. If you and your boyfriend are going to be serious about each other, then that (should) change. Your life together will become more and more about the two of you, and less and less about him and his friends. This may take some time to develop, but in a good relationship, a couple shares respect each other. You should be just as much into your own friends and hobbies as he is. If someone is being rude to you, that should be unacceptable to your boyfriend. Imagine if these guys were in his family! Say his brother was one of these rude friends; then they’d be even harder to avoid. Many people can’t stand their husbands families. Be glad you are not in that position. Thank goodness these are just guys who your boyfriend shares common interests with. That could always change (like life often does). Sure, he can keep his friends around in his back pocket, but you don’t have to be a part of it. If you sense that he answers to them, then that’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Keep your time with these people to a minimum. It’s really their insecurities causing them to treat you the way they do.

Long Distance Friends

Dear Charlie,
My best friend and I used to do everything together. We've been friends for 6 years. We used to exercise, have sleepovers, lunch dates, and I'd stay at her place when she went away. Then I met someone special and moved to another state to be with him. That’s when my best friend and I became phone buddies. It's been over a year now and my boyfriend and I are great, but my friend has stopped answering my calls. It’s like we’re not friends any more. Call me crazy, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a relationship and she’s not?!? Or if she just feels like it’s a waste of time. I’m trying to maintain our friendship but don't understand.

-Friendless

Dear Friendless,
Refer to the expression “out of sight, out of mind”, which I feel applies to your situation. Some people are impossible to keep in touch with unless you are in front of them on a daily basis. People can be surprising with how easily they fall off the face of the planet. It’s also effortless to get caught up with your own life and lose track of time or people you were once inseparable with. Life is always changing. Today we have so many options at our finger tips that make it very easy for us to stay connected. When someone you were close to don’t utilize those tools, you naturally feel hurt. What excuse do they have? I would hope that if I moved away, my friends would take advantage of options like Skype to stay in touch. If they didn’t, I would feel forgotten too. However, granted that you are in a relationship and your friend is not, I would say you have lost some common ground. You have changed. You used to be single and had a lot of time to commit to this friendship. Over time, you met someone who took priority over your friend that essentially led to your relocation, and now you are nothing more than a voice over the phone. To make matters worse, you are in a good relationship which your friend cannot currently relate to, so when you talk, it’s about that. Even if she has been in relationships before, the fact that she is not in one currently would make it hard for her to relate to you. You are on different pages. It’s possible that your friend felt abandoned by you, or became depressed after you moved away. I would say that loss affected her negatively whether she acknowledged it or not. She may be happy for you, but simply not on the same page as you anymore. It’s up to you to keep this relationship going, because it seems she has moved on. Try sending her a transcendent card, and reminding her how much you miss her and how special of a friend she really is to you. If you reach out and open the lines of communication, she will not forget you. Then one day she may realize that your friendship went deeper than just having a fun time. You have to make the effort though and try to focus on things you have in common. Keep an open mind. People stick with associations they relate to. Married couples are often friends with other married couples. It’s also important to have balance in your life, so make sure you’re not devoting everything you’ve got solely to your boyfriend. That can really sabotage a friendship. Long distance friendships are an impossible adjustment for some people to make, when they are used to regular visits. You once fulfilled a need that you no longer do. Women bond easily and it’s easy to replace friendships with food, hobbies, work, or even other friends. If you do not want to lose this friendship, then don’t give up. It’s also not likely she will stay single forever, so when she does meet someone, she may feel like she can suddenly connect with you again. Patience. Life is always shifting. She will come around again.

Cat Person

Dear Charlie,

My girlfriend and I have been together for quite some time now. In the beginning of our relationship I pushed us to adopt a kitten. At the adoption agency, we fell in love with an adorable little kitten. As we were about to leave, another bigger kitten caught her eye and we decided to adopt the pair. The little one is by far more dominant, despite his size. Often times he torments the bigger one by wrestling with him or biting his tail. We do our best to defend him, but we can't be there all the time. Recently, to my horror, my girlfriend suggested we ship the bigger one off to some little old lady that better suits his sleepy eyed personality. Instead of disciplining the bad one or separating the two for a "time out", she preferred to just get ride of the poor lad. I was shocked to discover that she would abandon the very kitten she had picked out just because his world wasn't perfect. Well, that is just unbelievable to me - I love them both and I have a responsibility to keep them healthy and happy. I am so torn. PLEASE HELP!!!!

-Cat Lover

Dear Cat Lover,

I would like to start by telling you to forget your girlfriend, and date me instead. Just kidding. Instead, I will say that I’m so impressed with how sweet and caring you are. I am tickled by your concern. Your integrity and devotion is astonishing. You are incredibly responsible too! My assumption is that you are sensitive to others and care very deeply about those around you. Loyalty is a truly golden quality that every woman dreams of finding in a man, but very few do. I’d say your girlfriend struck gold with you. The question is how? Did she come by it naturally? Was it an accidental discovery? Or was she DIGGING for it? There are all kinds of women out there. Let’s hope your girlfriend is appreciative and deserving of what she has. As for your feline dilemma, it sounds like both you and your girlfriend are “cat people”. Some people are not, and don't give a hoot about the animals. If you and your mate are however, it’s a wonderful compatibility. I can personally relate to your situation, because I have to monitor my cats all the time. One of my cats is a menace and knows when he is being naughty. He will wait until I’m not looking to pester my other, more docile cat. In fact, my troublemaker cat is patronizing my passive cat (while he’s trying to nap) as we speak. They mature and calm down as they get older, but they are like children. Their personalities develop over time. There are many possibilities and things to consider which may help explain what lead to your girlfriends bothersome suggestion. Assuming you live together, one person might provide financially, while the other does more of the footwork. I would just suggest to acknowledge that this is a team effort, granted that it is. Here's an eterntaining thought: do you happen to play favorites? If so, is this could cause many repercussions. For instance, is this particular cat you are concerned about “the favorite” for you? This could be a case of favoritism rivalry. Perhaps your girlfriend is jealous of this cat and wants to be the favorite again? Then there’s the possibility that the other cat is jealous that you favor this one, and has charmed (brainwashed or manipulated) your girlfriend to have him removed!?! Sometimes we are working for our cats and don’t even know it... those clever little devils. Realistically, you should take it into consideration that your girlfriend was simply trying to come up with a solution for the better interest of the cat. She probably didn’t intend to “abandon” him, but was just thinking out loud. This was her impromptu expression for concern about his discomfort. I don’t think you should take it so seriously. I think his well being is important to both of you, but your girlfriends’ suggestion is bothersome because you feel she is abandoning him. Even without knowing your girlfriend, I don’t think that’s the case despite how it sounded. Your girlfriend probably does not want to abandon the cat, but rather make him happy. This is sweet. Perhaps she thought for a moment that this was like sending him to college, now that he is grown (and seems unhappy). Maybe she wants him to have a better life? You know, you can still be a “cat person” even if you are allergic to them. I have a friend who insist on having a cat, despite her allergies. Is your girlfriend allergic to cats by any chance? If so, this would make it easier for her to detach herself from said creature. Pet allergies can become absolutely debilitating and unbearable for the daily functioning of some people. Perhaps she was just thinking of everyone's health mentally and physically, but didn't really mean it? You are very sweet, but don’t forget your priorities. If your girlfriend and 2 cats were all drowning, who would you save? If you answer: ”I would probably die trying to save them all”, then you’ve got a problem. A cat is a wonderful and irreplaceable companion, but it is an ANIMAL and is incomparable to human companionship. Maybe your girlfriend is feeling underappreciated lately? Some people go a little nutty over their pets. I know a girl whom was told to sleep on the couch because her boyfriend's dog was more comfortable on the bed! That was the end of that relationship. Also, if you happen to walk on the bathroom rug when it has been freshly cleaned, that might also cause your girlfriend to lash out on the cat. You may want to stop that. Just kidding. Finally, is it possible that your girlfriend has a history with feline pets? People often become so attached to their pets, that they form a bond similar to that of parents and children. This emotional connection is devastated with the passing of a pet, and a person may feel apprehensive to get close again to another animal, for fear of that same devastation. You will most likely outlive your pets, and that is a loss unlike any other (if you don’t have children). You sound like you would make an excellent Father. Maybe you should get married and have children? Unless of course, you feel your girlfriend does not deserve you, or you don’t want to marry her, in which case you should break it off as soon as possible. If there is an issue of your girlfriend being unable to reproduce, there is always adoption. Just like you adopted your cats, you would bond and feel even stronger for a little person. Imagine the possibilities…

Traveling Boyfriend

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind

Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.

Boyfriend's Paris Hilton Crush

Dear Charlie,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met in college. He makes me happy and we love each other. I have had no complaints, until a couple days ago when he said something that I can’t stop thinking about. To my friends it’s not a big deal, but something about it really bothers me. We were playing a game and I asked him what female celebrity he found most attractive. His celebrity crush was Paris Hilton. I know my boyfriend to be a deep and substantial guy, and I would hope that’s why he’s attracted to me. Now I’m wondering if I’m with the wrong person, or if I even know him at all? Paris is everything I don’t want to be associated with. The fact that he said this is a big deal to me. It’s making me question our relationship altogether. Am I over reacting?
-No Love for Paris

Dear No Love for Paris,
Did you tell him "wrong answer"? I think your reaction is natural. As an intelligent and inquisitive young woman, you neither appreciate nor respect his answer. Not to mock your situation because I completely understand, but this is hilarious because I actually know a lot of women who would also find it irking. I think if we were to take an anonymous poll across the nation, there would be an abundant female response in your favor. I don’t think the mass majority of women want to hear this fall from their lover’s lips, any more than men want to hear sexy pool boy references. It’s annoying. Your boyfriend has expressed approval of someone you loath. Paris is like a corporation that sells sex appeal, which your boyfriend has apparently bought into. How dare he!? You are so much smarter than him and would never fall prey to such cheap ploys. This got under your skin and now you are unable to shake it off. I believe this was a relationship pivotal moment for you. Furthermore, you feel this might be a deal breaker in your book. If you really feel like this is one of those issues that change everything, then maybe it is. I hear you loud and clear, and feel you have a valid concern. However, there are some things to consider. Paris is mostly popular among men for a reason. Paris is “sexy” and that is her talent. Unfortunately sexiness is considered a talent in some lands, including America. What one person thinks is sexy, another person frowns on. You are not on the same page with your opinions of this particular person. Different strokes for different folks, but some women have values that are extremely important to them, in which they are hoping will be compatible with a mate. Paris is not respectable to you so you are not eye to eye on this, just like you wouldn’t be eye to eye on what store to go clothes shopping in. This is called battle of the sexes. Men tend to be very visual creatures and I don’t believe he meant he is attracted to her personality, I think he simply responded on looks. He doesn’t know the “real” Paris Hilton. Very few people do. At some point we realize that no one is perfect, and if we were to be this demanding and hard on every prospect that comes our way, we will probably remain single for eternity. You should ask him to elaborate. What does he see when he looks at her? What does he like about her besides her looks? There are many questions to follow the one you asked. If he doesn’t have anything to say beyond commenting on her looks, then it’s safe to say he was just thinking about looks. If he were to sit down and try to have a conversation with her, he would probably find himself unengaged. However, if you suddenly make the discovery that he doesn’t care about conversation and only values a woman’s looks, then he is contradicting himself and has been very lucky to find someone like you (who is the complete package). Consider yourself beautiful and smart. If he becomes turned off by the conversation and doesn’t want to talk about it, then you are best to drop it and pick it up again later in another way. Get creative with that. You are on a quest for information. Maybe ask him over dinner what he values most in a woman, so you can be sure he appreciates you, but he probably does. I understand that you feel personally insulted by this, but I wouldn’t take his dumb statement too much to heart. You feel like “how can he like me if he likes her?” You are so different from her, but she has a beauty in her own way that is different from yours. I’m sure other men notice you too. It’s natural for people to be attracted to something attractive. Maybe you do not find her attractive, but it’s most likely you are annoyed by the act she puts on. Look, you can like a Salvador Dali painting, as well as a Gustave Courbet, even though they are nothing alike. One is surrealist, and the other is realist. Some people just like a variety. Some people are versatile. That’s not a bad trait. I know you want to feel special to your boyfriend, rather than just being in the category of beautiful women in general, so it will be his job to now celebrate you personally. You don’t feel special so he needs to win you back over, but I’m not sure he’s even aware of that. Tell him? No one is going to fit our exact mold. Most people have secret thoughts and qualms they are better off keeping to themselves, because we would not appreciate or support them. This is an issue of which you are just not on the same page. You thought of your boyfriend as substantial and deep, and now you are worried that it’s all an act or something. You must know that he is these things or he wouldn’t be with you. The fact that he is dating you and loves you, proves that he is substantial or else he wouldn’t be able to connect with you or appreciate you the way he does. I don’t think your boyfriend honestly thought about what he was saying before he said it, but now he’s in the hot pot unawares. Here’s a question; what is more important to you? Is it more important that you find a man who is unfazed by the prowess of female sexuality? Or is it more important that you are with someone you really love, who might carry the flaw of being attracted to the opposite sex? I understand that you might feel his saying this as an attack on your character in some way. Maybe this is the beginning of a deeper problem that will unfold over time, but you have to get to know him better. Honestly, Paris is a symbol of expensive-cheap sex. Her publicized sexuality is so appealing to the general public, that she is recognized for it universally. That being said, your boyfriend is not weird or unusual for noticing her like everyone else, since she has splashed herself all over the media. Yes, it is completely annoying that he would buy into someone so lacking in intellectual sophistication. He should have known that this was not the answer his girlfriend wanted to hear, whether it was true for him or not. His bone head answer resulted in your disgusted “just shoot me” retraction. It’s unlikely he will ever meet her or have the chance to have an affair with her. If he does get that chance though (like so many others), then hopefully he will practice loyalty to you. If you happen to wake up one day to find that your boyfriend has become one of many to run off with Miss Hilton, than you can kiss his shallow caboose good bye and live to tell the outrageous story. I don’t think you have anything to worry about though. What he said was dumb and annoying to most girls (save for those who also aspire to be living Barbies), but you are free to be attracted to as many living Ken dolls as you want too. Take that! If you’re feeling sassy, maybe you can buy him a poster with her on it and hang it in his room. Or better yet, buy yourself a poster featuring the ripped abs of someone you know will bug him. Tee hee hee

Boyfriend is Friends with his X

Dear Charlie,
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend

Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.

X-High School Lover

Dear Charlie,
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him

Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.