Dear Charlie,
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, right when I found out I was pregnant by him. He disappeared as soon as I gave him the news by voice mail. He will not answer nor return my calls, or even acknowledge my situation. I have decided to have an abortion. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not stable at all. I’m not willing to raise a child by myself. My family is treating me like I’m a screw up, and criticizing me for letting a loser get me pregnant. My sister won’t even talk to me. I know that when I get the abortion, they will hold it against me forever. This whole thing has been a nightmare, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in my situation.
-Screwed Up
Dear Screwed Up (like we all have),
It's probably better to be diplomatic on this topic (with all the ugly politics involved). However, should you want to get technical, there are PLENTY of people who would be proud to offer you their support (including doctors). Whether you’re pro-life or pro-choice, there are some basic principles here that apply to everyone. Isn’t this whole life thing about the choices we make? Isn’t it OUR choice? Doesn’t everyone make choices they regret, or do things they aren’t proud of at one point or another? That’s not a matter of belief, that’s common sense. Everyone comes from somewhere different, so how can there be a one-size-fits-all solution to anything? What happened to forgiveness? You know, in a perfect world everyone would have 2 parents and be set up for life, but in THIS world people exist on every level of stability. You never know who you’re talking to, where they’ve been, or what they’re facing. It’s neither safe nor fair to assume anything about anyone. What then, gives people the right to judge situations they have never been in!?! I find it interesting that a majority of people opposing abortion, come from families where both Mother and Father were present throughout their life. How convenient. Not everyone has the means to raise a child on their own. Granted that there are many options to consider with unplanned pregnancy. If you wanted to give your newborn up for adoption, more power to you, but it's ultimately YOUR CHOICE. A lot of women have insurmountable hardships. Those who live in sheltered realities, can’t always imagine the hardship of those who are struggling. Some people’s expectations of other people’s circumstances are completely unreasonable and irrational. You are making one of the hardest choices that women are faced with. I know that must be hard, and the isolation from your family is painful. As if that wasn’t tough enough, you can’t turn to them for support. Then add it to the list that your boyfriend turned out to be a negligent, womanizing joke who abandoned you. He wont even answer your call. Look, you may have made some mistakes, but don’t we all? You didn’t get in this situation by yourself, nor expect your partner to abandon you. This could happen to anyone who has premarital sex (which is the majority), you were just unlucky. Some people will take every opportunity to spout their anti-abortion beliefs. Ironically, most of the people beating their chests about this have never been in a position to have to make such a painful decision. Good for them. How convenient. It must be nice. It’s always interesting when people who feel entitled to protest, have no actual life experience. What makes them so sure they wouldn’t do the same thing, if they were in your shoes? Who are they to decide? They will never know because they will never be in your shoes, and that’s exactly the point. To err is human. For every anti-abortion activist, there’s a counterpart group of pro-choice advocates to match them. Some will insist that abortion is murderous, shocking, and inhuman. Take these harsh words and judgments with a grain of salt, because not everyone sees it that way. Tap into the thousands upon thousands of women who have been in your shoes, and know what it’s like. Women are sometimes so attached to their own personal plans for babies; they fail to see that not everyone feels like they do. Well you don’t need a permission slip to disagree with them. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. The financial and emotional support that it requires to raise a child has to come from somewhere. It’s a shame on your family for kicking you when you’re down, or turning their backs on you as you go through this traumatic event. You may never gain the respect, forgiveness, or understanding of your family. Hopefully their love for you will overcome. You should know that there are millions of others walking with you on the matter. If you go through with the abortion, be your own friend by standing behind your decision and forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is an internal choice. People place abortion on different levels of the mistake making hierarchy. I told my friend who also “screwed up”, that I would still be her friend no matter what mistakes she made, because I too, am "mistaking". We all are. You will be alright. The fact that you don’t pop a kid out without thinking is a responsible decision in my opinion.
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Traveling Boyfriend
Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Husband Flirts with Co-worker
Dear Charlie,
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
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