Dear Charlie,
I work with people who are a little younger than me. Despite the fact that I’m only a few years older than the majority of them, I feel ancient in comparison to their lifestyles. All they ever talk about is partying, getting drunk, and picking up guys or girls. It’s so immature to me. I’m just way past the phases they are going through. I want to be friendly with the people I work with, but I can’t help getting annoyed whenever they get together. I don’t want to seem like a snob, but I don’t want to be involved in their juvenile chat sessions either. What should I do?
-Feeling Older
Dear Feeling Older,
I think that when you’re in your twenties, it’s normal to find an equally blended mix of people who have it together and people who are still figuring it out. Maturity is about experiences, not age. There will always be people your age, older, or younger maturing at different paces. That’s just the way it is for every age group. Some people’s parents do everything for them and they never learn how to be responsible on their own. Some grown adults still party and act like college kids. Some people remarkably get it together very early in life, while others struggle and remain a mess throughout. Immaturity exists at every age. Dealing with irritating personality types is a challenge for everyone. The twenties are a strange and often times uncomfortable decade because it’s the time when everyone is finding themselves. You might meet someone who is 24, already married with two children and a house. On the flip side, you might meet someone 29, who is still single and partying. Depending on where you’re at in your life, how your relationships are going, what your family taught you about values, and what associations you put yourself in, everyone is on their own page. It’s all about experience. Young people in college tend to be egotistical, think they know everything, and that everyone values socializing like they do. It’s never safe to assume, but this is a young mentality that goes with the territory. That’s why colleges are so great because they confine all the young people together. Let the inexperienced hang out with the equally inexperienced. At the age when life is fresh and new, young people might think they have it all figured out, but nobody really does. There are plenty of stereotypes associated with certain age groups. A balding man in his forties is prone to mid life crisis spontaneity. A “creepy cat lady” might typically be a widowed woman with no children in her 60s. Two year olds are typically testy and prone to tantrums! A crass 20-something frat boy will typically boast about getting laid, boozing all night long, and hanging out with his “buddies”. A 20-something aspiring actress is typically naïve and desperate for attention, tries on friends like clothes, and talks a lot. While many of these stereotypes are right on the money, you can’t generalize an entire people. Everyone is own their own path. Some women in their 60s are in amazing shape, active in their communities, and highly social. Some men in their 40s are satisfied with life and raising stable families. Some two year olds are angels, some college guys don’t party at all, and some young aspiring actresses are incredibly inspirational. Not everyone keeps an open mind of the exceptions to every rule. Some people prefer to be judgmental. When it comes to colleagues, people should be more concerned with professionalism at work than recapping the highlights of last nights’ party. If you don’t have an outlet where you can be yourself, you will especially feel immaturity around you cramping your style. Your colleagues are testing your patience. When you’re at work, don’t get too comfortable. Focus on your work, yourself, the things you like to do, and the people you would like to do them with. Perhaps your colleagues also bug you because you hoped that by working with people your age, you would make friends. When your expectations were disappointed, you began feeling out of place. When you go to work, you are thrown into a circle of people you don’t mesh with. Though you may have it more together than they do, they are still people you must civilly engage with. Don’t hang out with them and DO avoid their dumb conversations. Remember, they are just people you work with. You do not have to get personally involved with them. Keep them at arm’s length, remain cordial, friendly, and even helpful, but don’t be afraid to voice yourself or be the only one who doesn’t party. “Elders” set a good example to bratty young people by being above the situation. People relate to those who are younger than them by remembering what it was like to be on their page. We need to respect our elders, but we also need to respect our youngers. When you interact with your colleagues, focus on the common grounds you have with them. Don’t hang out with them, or worry about being part of their group. Put on your “at work” attitude. You are your own person. Remember that people are individuals’ whether they want to be, realize it, or not. They are entitled to cling to their little clique party people, but you don’t have to be a part of it. That’s a good thing. You have better things to do, like finding people to talk to who you can level with. You need new associations. You don’t need an overabundance of interaction with people who get under your skin. It’s good to have balance. Having comrades to confide in outside of work would help you be able to brush them off more easily. You need to find people you can mesh with or else these people will continue to drive you nuts. Forget about them. Some of them might think of you as a goody-two-shoe, but that’s their problem. Their immature opinions don’t matter if they’re going to be obnoxious. You have no need for people like that. The people who matter are the ones who respect you, at every age. If something annoys you, show it. Stand your ground with confidence, knowing that you are further along in the process of life, and be glad you’re not in their shoes. Be proud that you’re not living your daily life in a constant state of drunken stupor. Be glad you have progressed from where they are. Be confident of whom you are and they may respect you for it. If not, who cares what they think of you? Be yourself. If you’re lucky, maybe someone equally annoyed by adolescent antics will soon get hired! Worst-case scenario; find a new job.
Showing posts with label age. Show all posts
Showing posts with label age. Show all posts
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Letting the Grays Grow
Dear Charlie,
I’m an older woman who has always colored her hair. I like to keep up with current style trends. I do not have a mate, but I would like to find one. Lately my kids have been encouraging me to let my natural hair color grow in. It would be brave since my hair is gray now and I have never revealed it to anyone. Do you think I should keep coloring my hair to attract a boyfriend? Or let myself be natural for once?
-Hiding the Grays
Dear Hiding the Grays,
Human beings are visual creatures and first impressions really do last. We assume things about people when we look at them, whether we intend to or not. If a girl wears a short skirt and low cut top, we assume certain things about her character. The same goes for hair. You understand how style makes an impression. That being said, when I see older women donning a head of naturally aged hair, I am neither turned off nor disgusted. I find myself rather enchanted and curios about her. It's inspirational. I think it’s natural to fight the gray at first. I also think that gray hair sends the message “I’m not afraid of my age, and I have lived a full life”. It makes me want to know more about that person. I think a mature man would find this kind of confidence attractive too. You don't want a guy who is just looking for arm candy, do you? You are too good for that. I don’t know what kind of life you have lived, but I would find you more approachable if you appeared comfortable with it. Aging is a natural part of life, and it’s a shame when you feel you have to run away from it or cover it up. It’s no small wonder why anyone would feel like that. That’s what society has done to us. That's what's wrong with all of us. I would like you to know that you are completely acceptable and glorious to be the age that you are. There is room for everyone in this world. In fact, we need you. There’s too much youth and cosmetically altered “beauty” running ramped on the streets. Its polluting minds and making highly valuable people feel inadequate and unappreciated. Gray adds a lot of character and appeal to a mature woman. I think women who aren’t afraid to show their age in this society of youthful worship, appear strong and independent. An older woman with natural hair has an interesting appeal. She seems more like she doesn’t have regrets, and isn’t trying to undo the past, more than a woman with color. Dyes start to all look the same after a while. The natural color makes a person seem rather satisfied with the life they have lived, and unashamed. That’s a woman I would like to talk with. I admire it greatly. I think a lot of people feel that way, they just lack fortitude to admit it. If the people around us are making us feel inhibited about age, then we're in the wrong crowd. Gray hair is something obtained over time. You earned it and it’s your right to shine. There are those cases when someone young is experiencing premature gray growth, but that can be unique too. Society places a horrifying amount of emphasis on women to remain 20-something in body and mind. This pressure is ridiculous and unrealistic, and anyone buying into it is a fool. Youthful beauty is promoted for sales. Companies want to be rich so they create things you "need" and use manipulation for sales. What matters is who you are inside, not the clothes or the hair. You can project the inside out. Don't worry about pleasing everyone else. What about pleasing yourself? I have no need for people who want to reduce themselves to standards that disgrace the evolution and natural growth process of human beings. It’s silly. I understand being a stylish woman or having a passion for fashion, but gray hair can be quite sophisticated and fashionable. Grays and whites add a punch of color to a room full of brunettes and blonds. Chemically enhanced hair is a dime a dozen. How else would hair stylists stay employed? When you see a woman with gray roots, I think it sends the message that she is not comfortable with aging. I say embrace your age, and find a man who is on the same page, who will appreciate you for who and what you are. What better way to be yourself than to look your age? I know some men who feel that hair color is false advertising. Ha! If you are of a certain age where your hair is no longer the texture or color it once was, I don’t think that’s a loss. I think that’s an inheritance. You have inherited an appeal which shows you have lived and seen many things. Be free. If you want to keep maintaining a youthful appearance by coloring it, then that is your choice. There’s nothing wrong with being artistic or wanting to enhance the color of something. I colored my hair for 2 decades. You can also enhance your gray or brighten your white with a toner, without altering the color too much. What this world needs are more people who are willing to set a good, solid example to us young fools by being themselves. We need heroes. Anyone who confidently struts their natural hair color is a hero in my book. We need people to remind us that it’s acceptable to be what you are. The more the better! There’s room for every age and type in this world. We need older people to make us feel that life is a gift, and that aging is a wonderful part of that. Quite frankly, sometimes I can’t wait to be older so that I don’t have to deal with harsh modern day pressures. I guess I think that aging gives the green light to cast your cares to the wind. I really think society needs older and wiser folks to come out of hiding. What are we so afraid of anyways? That the girl in the magazine ad will be more beautiful than us? Big deal. Where is the depth and maturity? Where is the soul? Where is the beautiful older woman with her natural hair, showing me that I am acceptable at any age? I have seen many attractive older ladies, with beautiful long locks of silver, gray or snow white. They are a breath of fresh air every time. Thus, I am rooting for the grays. Your children love you and have a wonderful idea…
I’m an older woman who has always colored her hair. I like to keep up with current style trends. I do not have a mate, but I would like to find one. Lately my kids have been encouraging me to let my natural hair color grow in. It would be brave since my hair is gray now and I have never revealed it to anyone. Do you think I should keep coloring my hair to attract a boyfriend? Or let myself be natural for once?
-Hiding the Grays
Dear Hiding the Grays,
Human beings are visual creatures and first impressions really do last. We assume things about people when we look at them, whether we intend to or not. If a girl wears a short skirt and low cut top, we assume certain things about her character. The same goes for hair. You understand how style makes an impression. That being said, when I see older women donning a head of naturally aged hair, I am neither turned off nor disgusted. I find myself rather enchanted and curios about her. It's inspirational. I think it’s natural to fight the gray at first. I also think that gray hair sends the message “I’m not afraid of my age, and I have lived a full life”. It makes me want to know more about that person. I think a mature man would find this kind of confidence attractive too. You don't want a guy who is just looking for arm candy, do you? You are too good for that. I don’t know what kind of life you have lived, but I would find you more approachable if you appeared comfortable with it. Aging is a natural part of life, and it’s a shame when you feel you have to run away from it or cover it up. It’s no small wonder why anyone would feel like that. That’s what society has done to us. That's what's wrong with all of us. I would like you to know that you are completely acceptable and glorious to be the age that you are. There is room for everyone in this world. In fact, we need you. There’s too much youth and cosmetically altered “beauty” running ramped on the streets. Its polluting minds and making highly valuable people feel inadequate and unappreciated. Gray adds a lot of character and appeal to a mature woman. I think women who aren’t afraid to show their age in this society of youthful worship, appear strong and independent. An older woman with natural hair has an interesting appeal. She seems more like she doesn’t have regrets, and isn’t trying to undo the past, more than a woman with color. Dyes start to all look the same after a while. The natural color makes a person seem rather satisfied with the life they have lived, and unashamed. That’s a woman I would like to talk with. I admire it greatly. I think a lot of people feel that way, they just lack fortitude to admit it. If the people around us are making us feel inhibited about age, then we're in the wrong crowd. Gray hair is something obtained over time. You earned it and it’s your right to shine. There are those cases when someone young is experiencing premature gray growth, but that can be unique too. Society places a horrifying amount of emphasis on women to remain 20-something in body and mind. This pressure is ridiculous and unrealistic, and anyone buying into it is a fool. Youthful beauty is promoted for sales. Companies want to be rich so they create things you "need" and use manipulation for sales. What matters is who you are inside, not the clothes or the hair. You can project the inside out. Don't worry about pleasing everyone else. What about pleasing yourself? I have no need for people who want to reduce themselves to standards that disgrace the evolution and natural growth process of human beings. It’s silly. I understand being a stylish woman or having a passion for fashion, but gray hair can be quite sophisticated and fashionable. Grays and whites add a punch of color to a room full of brunettes and blonds. Chemically enhanced hair is a dime a dozen. How else would hair stylists stay employed? When you see a woman with gray roots, I think it sends the message that she is not comfortable with aging. I say embrace your age, and find a man who is on the same page, who will appreciate you for who and what you are. What better way to be yourself than to look your age? I know some men who feel that hair color is false advertising. Ha! If you are of a certain age where your hair is no longer the texture or color it once was, I don’t think that’s a loss. I think that’s an inheritance. You have inherited an appeal which shows you have lived and seen many things. Be free. If you want to keep maintaining a youthful appearance by coloring it, then that is your choice. There’s nothing wrong with being artistic or wanting to enhance the color of something. I colored my hair for 2 decades. You can also enhance your gray or brighten your white with a toner, without altering the color too much. What this world needs are more people who are willing to set a good, solid example to us young fools by being themselves. We need heroes. Anyone who confidently struts their natural hair color is a hero in my book. We need people to remind us that it’s acceptable to be what you are. The more the better! There’s room for every age and type in this world. We need older people to make us feel that life is a gift, and that aging is a wonderful part of that. Quite frankly, sometimes I can’t wait to be older so that I don’t have to deal with harsh modern day pressures. I guess I think that aging gives the green light to cast your cares to the wind. I really think society needs older and wiser folks to come out of hiding. What are we so afraid of anyways? That the girl in the magazine ad will be more beautiful than us? Big deal. Where is the depth and maturity? Where is the soul? Where is the beautiful older woman with her natural hair, showing me that I am acceptable at any age? I have seen many attractive older ladies, with beautiful long locks of silver, gray or snow white. They are a breath of fresh air every time. Thus, I am rooting for the grays. Your children love you and have a wonderful idea…
Sunday, May 16, 2010
X-High School Lover
Dear Charlie,
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him
Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him
Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.
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