Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend has a twin and they have always been inseparable (not literally). There is a little tension between her twin and me, because she feels threatened by me. She worries that I will come between the two of them. She is having some financial problems right now and wants to come live with us until she gets on her feet. My girlfriend hopes I will understand and approve, but I’m really not happy about it.
-No Twins Attached
Dear No Twins Attached,
How phenomenal that your girlfriend is a twin! From soul mates to rivals, twins exist in every way. Each set of twins is unique in dynamic. Some twins are opposites, while others seem to be the same exact person. They are an involuntary partnership, which may be either embraced or resented. Some say that there’s no deeper connection and understanding than that of a twin. It sounds like your girlfriend has a comfortable companionship with her twin. However, not every set of twins gets along or accepts the constant presence of the other. Not all twins are attached at the hip (emotionally), but when they are, it’s described as an incomparably deep bond. Psychologists report that twin counseling is similar to couples therapy. Twins are a complicated phenomenon psychologically, because they often establish a balance between them that affords no room for anyone else. This causes tension in adulthood when romantic partners enter the scene. Many twins appreciate the value in having each other, and don’t take it for granted. They may become territorial or over protective of their “other half”. They are often intellectual and physical counterparts. They will finish each other’s sentences, talk in their own language, or even wear the same things. They are a pair. Their relation to each other is often how they identify themselves. It’s common in many households for twins to be raised as one being. Instead of being recognized as separate people, they are referred to as “the twins”. One of the most challenging things for twins to do as adults is become individuals apart from each other. Perhaps your girlfriend is more comfortable separating herself, while her twin is having a hard time individualizing. From her point of view, it has been just the two of them all this time, and then you came long to disrupt the flow. She naturally feels like she is competing with you for your girlfriend’s attention and affection, because she is. It’s challenging for some twins to disconnect, because of the history of their companionship. Twins are accustomed to always having each other. From your point of view, when you began dating your girlfriend, you didn’t sign up to date her twin too. You don’t want their (annoying) bond to invade the intimacy of your love. It feels like there are three of you in the relationship. Not good. What you are witnessing is an identity crisis, and the tender process of individuation. The real issue here is that she is your girlfriend’s family. That is the bottom line. Like a nagging Mother in Law, over bearing Father in Law, or high maintenance childhood pet, the twin comes in your girlfriend’s package deal. As time goes on, twins learn to function in the world without their sister or brother by their side at all times. They will always be twins, and that is a very special gift life has given them. As irritating as it might be, I think it would be big of you to allow her sister to stay with you TEMPORARILY, as long as there is a mutual respect. This is something they have to work on out of respect for you. Her twin will always be a part of her life and you cannot and should not try to change that. However, you are now an important piece of the puzzle too, and so her twin must make room for you. Maybe you can help her find a boyfriend…
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sister. Show all posts
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
From Sisters to Business Competitors
Dear Charlie,
I started my own business a year ago. We are located in a high traffic, touristy part of town. I’ve been doing well, given the current economic state of the country. This was a childhood dream of mine that I have been able to bring to life. This was a huge undertaking and takes up all my time. I work very hard. My sister has always belittled my accomplishments. She is a housewife whose husband completely supports her. I am not married and provide for myself. Now she wants to open a store similar to mine in a nearby area. She has always rivaled with me, but this takes the cake. I feel that this is the most competitive thing she could do. This store is the air I breathe. I am furious.
-Bad for Business
Dear Bad for Business,
I can imagine your frustration. Your sister probably didn’t like to share and harbors feelings of resentment. She still feels threatened by you so she tries to steal your thunder. She sounds like a real “one-upper”. Here you are slaving away over your life time ambition, only for your own sister to behave as an “I can do that too” rival. Once again, we have a case of adult sibling rivalry; the oldest feud in the book. There’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, but when it’s driven by a vengeance or jealousy, that’s when things get ugly. Families are known to make each other miserable, but you don’t have to succumb to obsessive neurotics. Look at actress sisters Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine. They were both beautiful celebrities of their time. It is written that their only continuous problem was with each other. They were often up for the same roles, and nominated for the same awards. Talk about uncomfortable. This is not an uncommon life theme. If your sister is going to be so insistent on joining you in the world of entrepreneurship, then it would make more sense for you to go into business together. Make the suggestion just to see her reaction. It’s not likely that she will buy into the idea based on her eagerness to outshine you. The fact that she would go through all the trouble to put you out, is a little on the neurotic side. You could take it as a compliment that you are an inspiration to her but perhaps no one bothers her more than you, because you are similar. She may be in denial about you, OR she may be completely aware of your worth and utterly bothered by it. Perhaps she goes through these motions, to cover up her insecurities and feelings of inadequacy around you. She rubs it in your face that she is taken care of. Let her talk all she wants, actions speak much louder. She may want to go into business, but meanwhile, you ARE in business. It is a business which you built from the ground up with no help from her. That is unique. What she would be doing, is building off of your already established idea. Since you were established first, you hopefully have had time to gain some returning customers. You’d be surprised how loyal people can be to the stores they like. If you built personal relationships with your customers, they are probably comfortable seeing a friendly and familiar face. I mean, is your sister really going to go through all the trouble? Does she have any idea how much work goes into starting a business? Is she sure she wants to do this? Maybe you can coax her out of it by negating the progress... If she does want to open a store, maybe you two are similar and should agree to sell similar but different merchandise. What about sister stores? It's like; "if she THINKS she can just...." snap her fingers and hire a designer? Pay employees to do all the work? Or how about recreate what you did with your own two hands? Then so be it. It’s a shabby stab at being a copy cat. You can always hold your head up knowing that YOU earned what you have. No one can take away what you have done and don’t allow her to. Put her in her place. Ask her if she aspires to put you out of business… because her idea is a dirty tactic that business rivals maneuver. If she brushes it off, press her to recognize it. This is not fun and games. This is your time, your income, your dream, your money, and your life’s work. I say to be up front with her, and don’t dance around the issue. If you play the game with her, it could become out of control and downright ridiculous. Don’t waste your energy. You don’t want to go there. Be honest with her. Tell her how she makes you feel. If you both end up exploding on each other, then you needed to release the tension that built up over the years. It could be very productive for your relationship. You may even find yourselves laughing when it’s over. People are just people. This is nothing so unforgivable that you can’t work through with a little confrontation. It’s uncomfortable and it’s not easy, but it can be worked out. You have the right to live just like she does, even if she came first. She needs to stop taking her feelings of inadequacy out on you. Be direct, because by not stating how she makes you feel and pretending that you’re not furious about this, will only send the message that her behavior is acceptable, which it is not. You don’t need this crap from her, you need her to be your friend and supporter, so let her know unless you don’t want it to stop. After you have been honest with her negative effect on you, compliment her on all the things she does well. Feed her confidence. This way you acknowledge that she has issues of self esteem. You do not have to apologize to her for being born. Depending on the severity of her issues, she may not find the inner strength to be what you need her to be. In that case, you may find it best for you to spend the least amount of time together as possible. if one thing is for sure, you cannot go on like this. You will feel better and rest better at night if you get it out. Sometimes an emotional eruption is necessary when your nerves have been blown up like a hot air balloon. You’re going to pop! When it’s over, you can breathe again. For comfort, I also recommend the following movies featuring adult sibling rivalry at its worst: 27 Dresses, In Her Shoes, The Other Boleyn Girl, Raising Helen, Cruel Intentions, Adaptation, and even The Godfather.
I started my own business a year ago. We are located in a high traffic, touristy part of town. I’ve been doing well, given the current economic state of the country. This was a childhood dream of mine that I have been able to bring to life. This was a huge undertaking and takes up all my time. I work very hard. My sister has always belittled my accomplishments. She is a housewife whose husband completely supports her. I am not married and provide for myself. Now she wants to open a store similar to mine in a nearby area. She has always rivaled with me, but this takes the cake. I feel that this is the most competitive thing she could do. This store is the air I breathe. I am furious.
-Bad for Business
Dear Bad for Business,
I can imagine your frustration. Your sister probably didn’t like to share and harbors feelings of resentment. She still feels threatened by you so she tries to steal your thunder. She sounds like a real “one-upper”. Here you are slaving away over your life time ambition, only for your own sister to behave as an “I can do that too” rival. Once again, we have a case of adult sibling rivalry; the oldest feud in the book. There’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, but when it’s driven by a vengeance or jealousy, that’s when things get ugly. Families are known to make each other miserable, but you don’t have to succumb to obsessive neurotics. Look at actress sisters Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine. They were both beautiful celebrities of their time. It is written that their only continuous problem was with each other. They were often up for the same roles, and nominated for the same awards. Talk about uncomfortable. This is not an uncommon life theme. If your sister is going to be so insistent on joining you in the world of entrepreneurship, then it would make more sense for you to go into business together. Make the suggestion just to see her reaction. It’s not likely that she will buy into the idea based on her eagerness to outshine you. The fact that she would go through all the trouble to put you out, is a little on the neurotic side. You could take it as a compliment that you are an inspiration to her but perhaps no one bothers her more than you, because you are similar. She may be in denial about you, OR she may be completely aware of your worth and utterly bothered by it. Perhaps she goes through these motions, to cover up her insecurities and feelings of inadequacy around you. She rubs it in your face that she is taken care of. Let her talk all she wants, actions speak much louder. She may want to go into business, but meanwhile, you ARE in business. It is a business which you built from the ground up with no help from her. That is unique. What she would be doing, is building off of your already established idea. Since you were established first, you hopefully have had time to gain some returning customers. You’d be surprised how loyal people can be to the stores they like. If you built personal relationships with your customers, they are probably comfortable seeing a friendly and familiar face. I mean, is your sister really going to go through all the trouble? Does she have any idea how much work goes into starting a business? Is she sure she wants to do this? Maybe you can coax her out of it by negating the progress... If she does want to open a store, maybe you two are similar and should agree to sell similar but different merchandise. What about sister stores? It's like; "if she THINKS she can just...." snap her fingers and hire a designer? Pay employees to do all the work? Or how about recreate what you did with your own two hands? Then so be it. It’s a shabby stab at being a copy cat. You can always hold your head up knowing that YOU earned what you have. No one can take away what you have done and don’t allow her to. Put her in her place. Ask her if she aspires to put you out of business… because her idea is a dirty tactic that business rivals maneuver. If she brushes it off, press her to recognize it. This is not fun and games. This is your time, your income, your dream, your money, and your life’s work. I say to be up front with her, and don’t dance around the issue. If you play the game with her, it could become out of control and downright ridiculous. Don’t waste your energy. You don’t want to go there. Be honest with her. Tell her how she makes you feel. If you both end up exploding on each other, then you needed to release the tension that built up over the years. It could be very productive for your relationship. You may even find yourselves laughing when it’s over. People are just people. This is nothing so unforgivable that you can’t work through with a little confrontation. It’s uncomfortable and it’s not easy, but it can be worked out. You have the right to live just like she does, even if she came first. She needs to stop taking her feelings of inadequacy out on you. Be direct, because by not stating how she makes you feel and pretending that you’re not furious about this, will only send the message that her behavior is acceptable, which it is not. You don’t need this crap from her, you need her to be your friend and supporter, so let her know unless you don’t want it to stop. After you have been honest with her negative effect on you, compliment her on all the things she does well. Feed her confidence. This way you acknowledge that she has issues of self esteem. You do not have to apologize to her for being born. Depending on the severity of her issues, she may not find the inner strength to be what you need her to be. In that case, you may find it best for you to spend the least amount of time together as possible. if one thing is for sure, you cannot go on like this. You will feel better and rest better at night if you get it out. Sometimes an emotional eruption is necessary when your nerves have been blown up like a hot air balloon. You’re going to pop! When it’s over, you can breathe again. For comfort, I also recommend the following movies featuring adult sibling rivalry at its worst: 27 Dresses, In Her Shoes, The Other Boleyn Girl, Raising Helen, Cruel Intentions, Adaptation, and even The Godfather.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Adult Sibling Rivalry
Dear Charlie,
My mom and I have always been close. I have 3 older sisters whom I’m not close with, but this doesn’t affect my bond with my mom. We talk all the time. Lately my mom has been pressing the issue of a family gathering. My older sisters and I have always been very different and don’t really get along. I usually excuse myself from visiting any of them because I live in a different state and my job doesn’t allow me a lot of vacation time. The problem is that my mom really wants us to all get together. I really don’t like being around my older sisters because of how they make me feel, but I want to please my mother. I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.
-Momma’s Girl
Dear Momma’s Girl,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you should allow yourself to keep avoiding them and bypassing all family events.
B) Maybe you were thinking “why couldn’t I have brothers”?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that it’s your right to talk to your family about how they make you feel.
D) I don’t think you are in denial about anything here… except that your sisters don’t respect you.
E) Maybe you weren’t aware that as an adult, you’re entitled to voice yourself to your sisters if they’re treating you poorly, because you deserve respect whether they like it or not.
It’s sweet of you be so considerate of their feelings, but ask yourself why? They apparently don’t worry about how they make you feel. Adult sibling rivalry is a drag. Sometimes the baby in the family has it easy because they tend to get special treatment and the older siblings take on a protective role, but not in your case. It would be big of you to put your feelings aside for your mom’s sake, because eventually there will be a wedding or baby shower (if there hasn’t been already), or God forbid a funeral. You will inevitably be stuck in the same room together at some point. When we are around family, we tend to regress because of our childhood history. The fact that you and your mom are so close perhaps makes them feel jealous that you are the favorite. This is a common issue that exists on different levels. An abundance of estrogen can be a good or bad thing in families. Not everyone is like Little Women. That’s not to say the dynamics would be any different if you had brothers instead. Perhaps there are some blame games and competition going on among them. You should accept that you can’t turn to your sisters for support, because you are most not likely going to get any. Come to terms with this fact and look for support elsewhere. Not everyone has a supportive family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, doing more damage than good, which is unfortunate. You have to work with what you have, but only to an extent. What you DON’T have to do, is keep taking people’s abusive treatment. Don’t allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Stop them by asserting yourself when it happens, and flat out explaining why you avoid family gatherings. You have every right to tell them why you’ve chosen not to see them regularly. They will either accept it, or pile on the hill of stones they are ready to throw at you. You are all adults now, so they are responsible for behaving as such. Some people want to use their younger sibling as a whipping post for the rest of eternity, but that’s not your job. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Throw the “blood is thicker than water” reasoning right out the window because it doesn’t always apply. Blood is thicker in many cases, but in some cases water is a cleaner option. Some families are horrible to each other. Try to work with it in an adult fashion, without taking their comments too personally. Based on how bad you have it, I would say to weigh out the situation as something workable or unhealthy. You may find them ridiculous and unable to break old habits, in which case you must practice some empowerment and cut the cord. It doesn’t sound like something you want to do, but some people have to demand respect in their families or walk away. You don’t have to answer to them. This could be a healthy option for you if you fell they are very emotionally abusive. You don’t need to carry that kind of weight around in your life. A major study done in the 90s, showed that 1/3 of the adult population described their sibling relations as distant rivalry. Your family is supposed to support you, not hurt you. Some siblings are just frozen in old habits and sometimes it’s just a loss cause. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but it is what it is. We are all just people in a crazy world any ways. Life is hard enough. I say voice yourself and be heard loud and clear. If you are disappointed by their response, move on from their burden. I also think you have valid excuses however to be missing these events, which adults should understand. Yes, family should be made a priority, but perhaps THEY are in denial about the reality of this sh!tty situation, and how little they respect you. One day you can build your own family.
My mom and I have always been close. I have 3 older sisters whom I’m not close with, but this doesn’t affect my bond with my mom. We talk all the time. Lately my mom has been pressing the issue of a family gathering. My older sisters and I have always been very different and don’t really get along. I usually excuse myself from visiting any of them because I live in a different state and my job doesn’t allow me a lot of vacation time. The problem is that my mom really wants us to all get together. I really don’t like being around my older sisters because of how they make me feel, but I want to please my mother. I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.
-Momma’s Girl
Dear Momma’s Girl,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you should allow yourself to keep avoiding them and bypassing all family events.
B) Maybe you were thinking “why couldn’t I have brothers”?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that it’s your right to talk to your family about how they make you feel.
D) I don’t think you are in denial about anything here… except that your sisters don’t respect you.
E) Maybe you weren’t aware that as an adult, you’re entitled to voice yourself to your sisters if they’re treating you poorly, because you deserve respect whether they like it or not.
It’s sweet of you be so considerate of their feelings, but ask yourself why? They apparently don’t worry about how they make you feel. Adult sibling rivalry is a drag. Sometimes the baby in the family has it easy because they tend to get special treatment and the older siblings take on a protective role, but not in your case. It would be big of you to put your feelings aside for your mom’s sake, because eventually there will be a wedding or baby shower (if there hasn’t been already), or God forbid a funeral. You will inevitably be stuck in the same room together at some point. When we are around family, we tend to regress because of our childhood history. The fact that you and your mom are so close perhaps makes them feel jealous that you are the favorite. This is a common issue that exists on different levels. An abundance of estrogen can be a good or bad thing in families. Not everyone is like Little Women. That’s not to say the dynamics would be any different if you had brothers instead. Perhaps there are some blame games and competition going on among them. You should accept that you can’t turn to your sisters for support, because you are most not likely going to get any. Come to terms with this fact and look for support elsewhere. Not everyone has a supportive family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, doing more damage than good, which is unfortunate. You have to work with what you have, but only to an extent. What you DON’T have to do, is keep taking people’s abusive treatment. Don’t allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Stop them by asserting yourself when it happens, and flat out explaining why you avoid family gatherings. You have every right to tell them why you’ve chosen not to see them regularly. They will either accept it, or pile on the hill of stones they are ready to throw at you. You are all adults now, so they are responsible for behaving as such. Some people want to use their younger sibling as a whipping post for the rest of eternity, but that’s not your job. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Throw the “blood is thicker than water” reasoning right out the window because it doesn’t always apply. Blood is thicker in many cases, but in some cases water is a cleaner option. Some families are horrible to each other. Try to work with it in an adult fashion, without taking their comments too personally. Based on how bad you have it, I would say to weigh out the situation as something workable or unhealthy. You may find them ridiculous and unable to break old habits, in which case you must practice some empowerment and cut the cord. It doesn’t sound like something you want to do, but some people have to demand respect in their families or walk away. You don’t have to answer to them. This could be a healthy option for you if you fell they are very emotionally abusive. You don’t need to carry that kind of weight around in your life. A major study done in the 90s, showed that 1/3 of the adult population described their sibling relations as distant rivalry. Your family is supposed to support you, not hurt you. Some siblings are just frozen in old habits and sometimes it’s just a loss cause. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but it is what it is. We are all just people in a crazy world any ways. Life is hard enough. I say voice yourself and be heard loud and clear. If you are disappointed by their response, move on from their burden. I also think you have valid excuses however to be missing these events, which adults should understand. Yes, family should be made a priority, but perhaps THEY are in denial about the reality of this sh!tty situation, and how little they respect you. One day you can build your own family.
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