Dear Charlie,
I have a friend who I always party with. Every time she gets drunk, she disappears. I don’t know where she goes. We go out together and then she gets so drunk that she just disappears. Sometimes she is my ride and I have to find another way home. Sometimes she calls someone to come pick her up without telling me. I find this extremely annoying because when I get wasted, I don’t pull that crap. I only did one time, but I called her & left a message telling her I was leaving. She is a really cool girl, but it pisses me off when she disappears. How do I get her to stop?
-Always Abandoned
Dear Always Abandoned,
I’m trying to figure out what the real problem is. Is it your friend’s little disappearing act? Or is it that you guys like to get so wasted that you ditch each other? From the sound of it, it seems like this is a habitual thing for you and your party-girl partner in crime. Firstly, if you know she is like this, then don't go out with her. If you insist on hanging with this chick, then go seperately so you are not relying on her and be prepared for whatever happends later. Know what you're dealing with, because it's not really your friend that you are dealing with, but rather the poison in her system. I wouldn't go as far to say that she is not your friend, because I don't believe she is even her own friend, if you know what I mean. Let's cut to the chase... When it comes to the overuse or abuse of substances, people are losing their heads. When you drink or get high, you are not completely all there. Duh? It shouldn't surprise you that when someone gets drunk (and stops being sober), that they stop making rational and logical decisions. I recently woke up to discover a kid sleeping on my front doorstep. Granted that this is NYC (and weird sh*t happens every second of every day), he was intoxicated and passed out on my steps the night before, where he felt safe. I got him a cab home because he also lost his wallet during the course of a very rough night. Look, you are responsible for what you put into your body. Unless someone is following you around and slipping drugs into your drink behind your back, then my guess is that you are doing this to yourselves. Who are you kidding? I mean, maybe you guys are just at the peak and height of your youth and just having fun, but it sounds like you both have drinking problems. Everything in moderation, my friend. I know it seems like something that’s easy to control at your age, but it doesn’t get easier as you get older. People, who abuse alcohol in their youth and then try to stop, are also more likely to become depressed. You are setting yourselves up right now for a very difficult challenge in the future. That challenge is the path to sobriety. I’d be curios to learn what your honest definition of “party” is. How often do you do this? If it's every weekend, that's too much. Are you sure it’s only alcohol you’re into? Perhaps you are hesitant to openly admit that you’re also into cocaine, ecstasy, acid etc.? You don’t have to answer that, but at least be honest with yourself. Look, we all want to have fun, but you are setting yourself up for a lot of difficulty later. When I say difficulty, I mean life altering. You can have fun partying without sailing past your limits. I won’t assume you do anything other than drink, but I will say that generally when you par take in such extreme intoxication (or highs) regularly, you mess with overstimulation. You condition yourself to become addicted to that feeling of bliss that being drunk or high gives you. Yes, the side effects of alcohol are like poison in your system and can be extremely dangerous to your liver, heart, blood, etc. Think about your overall health. At the risk of being “uncool”, someone might refrain from being honest with you about this. The truth is that you are both in bad shape, and I don’t mean physically. To answer your question of how to get your friend to stop abandoning you… Firstly, you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. Your friend lets herself get to the point where she loses total control. The issue is the abuse of alcohol here. It doesn’t sound like something you are interested in changing or adjusting. You have asked for my advice on how to continue partying hard with your friend, and to make her stop ditching you (when she’s so obliterated she can’t even remember who she went out with). Honestly, you could both be due for some time in rehab. Parties are fun, and cool, and “f*cking rad man”, but at the end of the party, you have to come back to reality. Party on Always Abandoned? Think twice before you hang out with someone whom you know you are going to get into deep sh*t with. I think you’re asking for it, and I think you both get sh*t-faced too much. Good luck. Please refer to my letter titled “Alcoholic Friend” in the May archives for more on this.
