"I'm in Love with my Friend"

Dear Charlie,
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love

Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )

Boyfriend's Paris Hilton Crush

Dear Charlie,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met in college. He makes me happy and we love each other. I have had no complaints, until a couple days ago when he said something that I can’t stop thinking about. To my friends it’s not a big deal, but something about it really bothers me. We were playing a game and I asked him what female celebrity he found most attractive. His celebrity crush was Paris Hilton. I know my boyfriend to be a deep and substantial guy, and I would hope that’s why he’s attracted to me. Now I’m wondering if I’m with the wrong person, or if I even know him at all? Paris is everything I don’t want to be associated with. The fact that he said this is a big deal to me. It’s making me question our relationship altogether. Am I over reacting?
-No Love for Paris

Dear No Love for Paris,
Did you tell him "wrong answer"? I think your reaction is natural. As an intelligent and inquisitive young woman, you neither appreciate nor respect his answer. Not to mock your situation because I completely understand, but this is hilarious because I actually know a lot of women who would also find it irking. I think if we were to take an anonymous poll across the nation, there would be an abundant female response in your favor. I don’t think the mass majority of women want to hear this fall from their lover’s lips, any more than men want to hear sexy pool boy references. It’s annoying. Your boyfriend has expressed approval of someone you loath. Paris is like a corporation that sells sex appeal, which your boyfriend has apparently bought into. How dare he!? You are so much smarter than him and would never fall prey to such cheap ploys. This got under your skin and now you are unable to shake it off. I believe this was a relationship pivotal moment for you. Furthermore, you feel this might be a deal breaker in your book. If you really feel like this is one of those issues that change everything, then maybe it is. I hear you loud and clear, and feel you have a valid concern. However, there are some things to consider. Paris is mostly popular among men for a reason. Paris is “sexy” and that is her talent. Unfortunately sexiness is considered a talent in some lands, including America. What one person thinks is sexy, another person frowns on. You are not on the same page with your opinions of this particular person. Different strokes for different folks, but some women have values that are extremely important to them, in which they are hoping will be compatible with a mate. Paris is not respectable to you so you are not eye to eye on this, just like you wouldn’t be eye to eye on what store to go clothes shopping in. This is called battle of the sexes. Men tend to be very visual creatures and I don’t believe he meant he is attracted to her personality, I think he simply responded on looks. He doesn’t know the “real” Paris Hilton. Very few people do. At some point we realize that no one is perfect, and if we were to be this demanding and hard on every prospect that comes our way, we will probably remain single for eternity. You should ask him to elaborate. What does he see when he looks at her? What does he like about her besides her looks? There are many questions to follow the one you asked. If he doesn’t have anything to say beyond commenting on her looks, then it’s safe to say he was just thinking about looks. If he were to sit down and try to have a conversation with her, he would probably find himself unengaged. However, if you suddenly make the discovery that he doesn’t care about conversation and only values a woman’s looks, then he is contradicting himself and has been very lucky to find someone like you (who is the complete package). Consider yourself beautiful and smart. If he becomes turned off by the conversation and doesn’t want to talk about it, then you are best to drop it and pick it up again later in another way. Get creative with that. You are on a quest for information. Maybe ask him over dinner what he values most in a woman, so you can be sure he appreciates you, but he probably does. I understand that you feel personally insulted by this, but I wouldn’t take his dumb statement too much to heart. You feel like “how can he like me if he likes her?” You are so different from her, but she has a beauty in her own way that is different from yours. I’m sure other men notice you too. It’s natural for people to be attracted to something attractive. Maybe you do not find her attractive, but it’s most likely you are annoyed by the act she puts on. Look, you can like a Salvador Dali painting, as well as a Gustave Courbet, even though they are nothing alike. One is surrealist, and the other is realist. Some people just like a variety. Some people are versatile. That’s not a bad trait. I know you want to feel special to your boyfriend, rather than just being in the category of beautiful women in general, so it will be his job to now celebrate you personally. You don’t feel special so he needs to win you back over, but I’m not sure he’s even aware of that. Tell him? No one is going to fit our exact mold. Most people have secret thoughts and qualms they are better off keeping to themselves, because we would not appreciate or support them. This is an issue of which you are just not on the same page. You thought of your boyfriend as substantial and deep, and now you are worried that it’s all an act or something. You must know that he is these things or he wouldn’t be with you. The fact that he is dating you and loves you, proves that he is substantial or else he wouldn’t be able to connect with you or appreciate you the way he does. I don’t think your boyfriend honestly thought about what he was saying before he said it, but now he’s in the hot pot unawares. Here’s a question; what is more important to you? Is it more important that you find a man who is unfazed by the prowess of female sexuality? Or is it more important that you are with someone you really love, who might carry the flaw of being attracted to the opposite sex? I understand that you might feel his saying this as an attack on your character in some way. Maybe this is the beginning of a deeper problem that will unfold over time, but you have to get to know him better. Honestly, Paris is a symbol of expensive-cheap sex. Her publicized sexuality is so appealing to the general public, that she is recognized for it universally. That being said, your boyfriend is not weird or unusual for noticing her like everyone else, since she has splashed herself all over the media. Yes, it is completely annoying that he would buy into someone so lacking in intellectual sophistication. He should have known that this was not the answer his girlfriend wanted to hear, whether it was true for him or not. His bone head answer resulted in your disgusted “just shoot me” retraction. It’s unlikely he will ever meet her or have the chance to have an affair with her. If he does get that chance though (like so many others), then hopefully he will practice loyalty to you. If you happen to wake up one day to find that your boyfriend has become one of many to run off with Miss Hilton, than you can kiss his shallow caboose good bye and live to tell the outrageous story. I don’t think you have anything to worry about though. What he said was dumb and annoying to most girls (save for those who also aspire to be living Barbies), but you are free to be attracted to as many living Ken dolls as you want too. Take that! If you’re feeling sassy, maybe you can buy him a poster with her on it and hang it in his room. Or better yet, buy yourself a poster featuring the ripped abs of someone you know will bug him. Tee hee hee