Dear Charlie,
I introduced my friend to a guy I work with and they have been dating for the past 3 months. I'm friends with the guy, but only through work. I don't know much about his personal life. My friend and I have been close for a long time. The other day, I saw him meet another girl outside of our building. They were in a very heated and passionate argument. From the looks of it, it seemed like they were romantically involved. I'm sure that my friend is unaware of whoever this girl is. Should I tell her or just stay out of it?
-Getting in the Middle
Dear Getting in the Middle,
You feel conflicted for obvious reasons. At the risk of becoming a snitch on your colleague, you feel a greater responsibility to protecting the heart of your friend. In this particular situation (friends with both of them), you are obligated to be honest with him yet protective of her. Loyalty to friends and partners is important, but that’s the whole point here. He is giving you reasons to believe that he is not loyal. Whatever he's got going on appears to be cause for concern. I feel that your obligation to be the eyes and ears of your girlfriend overrules. It's never safe to assume anything, but your eyes don't lie. Based on their body language, relationship dynamics were suggestive. The possibility exists that she could have been a sister upset about family matters, an old fling who just won’t go away, or a desperate homeless woman he has been helping. Most likely, she is exactly what you perceived her to be. Ask him about it. My guess is that you saw too much. You could approach him in a "not that it's any of my business but..." kind of way, and see what he has to say. Or you might tell him that you want to be a good friend to both of them; but that you feel she has the right to know if he's seeing someone else. Depending on how close you are with this guy, he may or may not confide in you, or divulge the truth. You must do the right thing. In this case, I feel that the right thing to do would be to tell your friend. Mention it casually as though you are not making assumptions. Let her decide what to do with the information you relayed to her. Besides, you are her friend. You want what’s best for her. Right? Real friends are there for each other; rooting for each others success. Naturally, if you witness someone in the act of betrayal against your friend, you should want to stand behind her. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be informed. Some people might believe you saw your coworker’s secret rendez vous for a reason. Some people might even say that your loyalty to your friend is being tested by a higher power. Spiritual views aside, you should be proudly loyal to your friend. You may decide that giving your colleague a heads up is a good idea. If you don't want to make him uncomfortable, there are ways to go about this gently. You don't have to corner him with interrogating questions; you can approach the situation with subtlety. Shoot him an email. Lay it on smooth and easy, maybe even with a twist of cutesy humor. "You're not messing around on my girl are you? Because I might have to hurt you hehehe…" If he doesn't have a sense of humor about it, then you might just say "Look, you're such a cool guy and I’m so happy my friend is dating you, but I'm just looking out for her...Does she need to be concerned about what I saw?" He may or may not acknowledge what has transpired, or even worse, he may be guilty and in denial. Remember, you don't know what's going on. You only know what you saw. If he gets defensive, tells you it's none of your business, or calls you a nark, then he is probably shady, immature and not to be trusted. Then you can go directly to your friend and tell her what you saw. If he is a decent and respectful guy, he may be good enough to come clean with you about the situation. If he says he will tell her on his own, make sure he does by following up. Do this by going to your friend in a suggestive kind of way, and probing her for any recent relationship stints. At that point, if she is oblivious, then he didn't tell her and it's on him because you confronted him. The cards were on the table. Confess to her what you saw and how you handled the situation. Explain that you gave him the chance to tell her but he didn’t take it. Hopefully he wasn’t planning on telling her after you have this conversation. Either way, you are in the middle because he put you there, either on purpose or by accident. Don't be ashamed of your friendships. Be publicly loyal to your friends. Let people know where you stand. Any reasonable person would understand what friendship and loyalty is all about. In fact, a reasonable person should expect loyalty in this case, because it goes with the territory. Definitely don't stay quiet. Not saying something breaks the code of friendship laws. By taking a passive stance in the matter, you keep your friend in the dark and make a fool of her. She would be very hurt to find out you saw something suspicious and didn’t report it. People who are straightforward have strong character. Go for it without hesitation. Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you prefer to live in fairyland with the help of a hollow "friend"?
Showing posts with label friend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friend. Show all posts
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Alcoholic Friend
Dear Charlie,
My friend has a drinking problem. I really like my friend when she’s sober, but I can’t stand her when she’s drunk. I want nothing to do with her the minute she orders a drink, because I know she will not be able to have just one. She always exceeds her limits, and it’s embarrassing. I think this is distasteful and rude. I'm not trying to lose a friend, but I don’t know how to handle her when she gets like that.
-The Sober One
Dear Sober One,
Is this a recent habit of your friend? Or has she always been a drinker? Maybe it’s just a phase she’s going through, or maybe she’s got some deep issues she hasn’t worked out. Perhaps your friend’s drinking habits were tolerable before, but now they’re reaching new heights. If she is going through a hard time, then this is a really bad way of coping with it. She may need to talk to someone, but you are not obligated to be her therapist. Out of concern as her friend, it would be acceptable for you to tell her she has a problem. Confront your friend in a way that you are comfortable. Suggest making plans anywhere BUT a bar or restaurant where alcohol is accessible. Explain that excessive drinking is terribly unhealthy, and that you are worried about her well being. If she doesn’t appreciate your concern, then that’s too bad. She is putting you in a bad position with her intolerable conduct. You’re right; it’s distasteful, rude, and unfair to you, as well as herself. She needs to have more respect for herself, as well as you. Some people cannot have a drink without killing the entire bottle. If one drink immediately exceeds another, and soon your friend is inebriated, then stop hanging out with her. If that’s all she wants to do, then she is free to carry on without you. This is not a past time that you wish to par take in. If she is going to behave that way, then you are not obligated to keep her company. It’s good to take some responsibility for the people you care about, but at some point they have to help themselves. You can try to help, but if she doesn’t do the foot work, then your case is closed. Your friend has the same problem that many dysfunctional people have. Let me remind you that alcoholism is classified as a clinical disease. Many alcoholics will shut themselves off from their support systems, because they don’t want to be told that what they’re doing is unacceptable. This isolation combined with drinking associations, sets them up for disaster. Passivity towards this behavior sends the message that it is acceptable. Your friend needs an intervention, but ultimately no one can make her change if she insists on not taking care of herself. She has to want to change. Maybe you can try reaching out to her family and letting them know what she has been up to… If you confront her about her problem and she doesn’t take action to fix it, then the problem is out of your hands. It’s very hard to overcome this harmful addiction without professional help. It starts with a realization of the problem, followed by an acknowledgment that you have it, and a desire to change. It is not your job to become her personally life coach. You are her friend, and in being that you must bring it to her attention. You do not support her killing her liver and drowning her life in a bottle of booze(among other things). Tell her what she is doing to herself, her reputation, her body, her life, and how it makes you feel. Some people just choose to throw their lives away, but you don’t have to continue to associate with people who make poor decisions. Once you have tried to help, it is up to her. You don’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation she causes with her irresponsibility. Sometimes a friendship is better off frozen in time as a memory. People change for better, and sometimes for worse, but you can’t hold someone’s entire world up. They have to take action or else it becomes unhealthy for you. This is a dark path she has chosen to go down, and that is her choice. When a ship is sinking, it may drag you down with it...
My friend has a drinking problem. I really like my friend when she’s sober, but I can’t stand her when she’s drunk. I want nothing to do with her the minute she orders a drink, because I know she will not be able to have just one. She always exceeds her limits, and it’s embarrassing. I think this is distasteful and rude. I'm not trying to lose a friend, but I don’t know how to handle her when she gets like that.
-The Sober One
Dear Sober One,
Is this a recent habit of your friend? Or has she always been a drinker? Maybe it’s just a phase she’s going through, or maybe she’s got some deep issues she hasn’t worked out. Perhaps your friend’s drinking habits were tolerable before, but now they’re reaching new heights. If she is going through a hard time, then this is a really bad way of coping with it. She may need to talk to someone, but you are not obligated to be her therapist. Out of concern as her friend, it would be acceptable for you to tell her she has a problem. Confront your friend in a way that you are comfortable. Suggest making plans anywhere BUT a bar or restaurant where alcohol is accessible. Explain that excessive drinking is terribly unhealthy, and that you are worried about her well being. If she doesn’t appreciate your concern, then that’s too bad. She is putting you in a bad position with her intolerable conduct. You’re right; it’s distasteful, rude, and unfair to you, as well as herself. She needs to have more respect for herself, as well as you. Some people cannot have a drink without killing the entire bottle. If one drink immediately exceeds another, and soon your friend is inebriated, then stop hanging out with her. If that’s all she wants to do, then she is free to carry on without you. This is not a past time that you wish to par take in. If she is going to behave that way, then you are not obligated to keep her company. It’s good to take some responsibility for the people you care about, but at some point they have to help themselves. You can try to help, but if she doesn’t do the foot work, then your case is closed. Your friend has the same problem that many dysfunctional people have. Let me remind you that alcoholism is classified as a clinical disease. Many alcoholics will shut themselves off from their support systems, because they don’t want to be told that what they’re doing is unacceptable. This isolation combined with drinking associations, sets them up for disaster. Passivity towards this behavior sends the message that it is acceptable. Your friend needs an intervention, but ultimately no one can make her change if she insists on not taking care of herself. She has to want to change. Maybe you can try reaching out to her family and letting them know what she has been up to… If you confront her about her problem and she doesn’t take action to fix it, then the problem is out of your hands. It’s very hard to overcome this harmful addiction without professional help. It starts with a realization of the problem, followed by an acknowledgment that you have it, and a desire to change. It is not your job to become her personally life coach. You are her friend, and in being that you must bring it to her attention. You do not support her killing her liver and drowning her life in a bottle of booze(among other things). Tell her what she is doing to herself, her reputation, her body, her life, and how it makes you feel. Some people just choose to throw their lives away, but you don’t have to continue to associate with people who make poor decisions. Once you have tried to help, it is up to her. You don’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation she causes with her irresponsibility. Sometimes a friendship is better off frozen in time as a memory. People change for better, and sometimes for worse, but you can’t hold someone’s entire world up. They have to take action or else it becomes unhealthy for you. This is a dark path she has chosen to go down, and that is her choice. When a ship is sinking, it may drag you down with it...
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
"I'm in Love with my Friend"
Dear Charlie,
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love
Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love
Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Boyfriend is Friends with his X
Dear Charlie,
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
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