A Choice to Abort

Dear Charlie,
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, right when I found out I was pregnant by him. He disappeared as soon as I gave him the news by voice mail. He will not answer nor return my calls, or even acknowledge my situation. I have decided to have an abortion. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not stable at all. I’m not willing to raise a child by myself. My family is treating me like I’m a screw up, and criticizing me for letting a loser get me pregnant. My sister won’t even talk to me. I know that when I get the abortion, they will hold it against me forever. This whole thing has been a nightmare, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in my situation.
-Screwed Up

Dear Screwed Up (like we all have),
It's probably better to be diplomatic on this topic (with all the ugly politics involved). However, should you want to get technical, there are PLENTY of people who would be proud to offer you their support (including doctors). Whether you’re pro-life or pro-choice, there are some basic principles here that apply to everyone. Isn’t this whole life thing about the choices we make? Isn’t it OUR choice? Doesn’t everyone make choices they regret, or do things they aren’t proud of at one point or another? That’s not a matter of belief, that’s common sense. Everyone comes from somewhere different, so how can there be a one-size-fits-all solution to anything? What happened to forgiveness? You know, in a perfect world everyone would have 2 parents and be set up for life, but in THIS world people exist on every level of stability. You never know who you’re talking to, where they’ve been, or what they’re facing. It’s neither safe nor fair to assume anything about anyone. What then, gives people the right to judge situations they have never been in!?! I find it interesting that a majority of people opposing abortion, come from families where both Mother and Father were present throughout their life. How convenient. Not everyone has the means to raise a child on their own. Granted that there are many options to consider with unplanned pregnancy. If you wanted to give your newborn up for adoption, more power to you, but it's ultimately YOUR CHOICE. A lot of women have insurmountable hardships. Those who live in sheltered realities, can’t always imagine the hardship of those who are struggling. Some people’s expectations of other people’s circumstances are completely unreasonable and irrational. You are making one of the hardest choices that women are faced with. I know that must be hard, and the isolation from your family is painful. As if that wasn’t tough enough, you can’t turn to them for support. Then add it to the list that your boyfriend turned out to be a negligent, womanizing joke who abandoned you. He wont even answer your call. Look, you may have made some mistakes, but don’t we all? You didn’t get in this situation by yourself, nor expect your partner to abandon you. This could happen to anyone who has premarital sex (which is the majority), you were just unlucky. Some people will take every opportunity to spout their anti-abortion beliefs. Ironically, most of the people beating their chests about this have never been in a position to have to make such a painful decision. Good for them. How convenient. It must be nice. It’s always interesting when people who feel entitled to protest, have no actual life experience. What makes them so sure they wouldn’t do the same thing, if they were in your shoes? Who are they to decide? They will never know because they will never be in your shoes, and that’s exactly the point. To err is human. For every anti-abortion activist, there’s a counterpart group of pro-choice advocates to match them. Some will insist that abortion is murderous, shocking, and inhuman. Take these harsh words and judgments with a grain of salt, because not everyone sees it that way. Tap into the thousands upon thousands of women who have been in your shoes, and know what it’s like. Women are sometimes so attached to their own personal plans for babies; they fail to see that not everyone feels like they do. Well you don’t need a permission slip to disagree with them. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. The financial and emotional support that it requires to raise a child has to come from somewhere. It’s a shame on your family for kicking you when you’re down, or turning their backs on you as you go through this traumatic event. You may never gain the respect, forgiveness, or understanding of your family. Hopefully their love for you will overcome. You should know that there are millions of others walking with you on the matter. If you go through with the abortion, be your own friend by standing behind your decision and forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is an internal choice. People place abortion on different levels of the mistake making hierarchy. I told my friend who also “screwed up”, that I would still be her friend no matter what mistakes she made, because I too, am "mistaking". We all are. You will be alright. The fact that you don’t pop a kid out without thinking is a responsible decision in my opinion.

Naming the Baby

Dear Charlie,
My wife and I are about to give birth to our second child. Since I named the first one, we agreed that my wife would name the second. The problem is that my wife is set on a particular name for the baby, which also happens to be the name of her X-boyfriend. Prior to our marriage, my wife was in a serious relationship with a guy from college whom she almost married. I am very bothered that she wants to name our child after him. She insists that she has always loved that name even before knowing him. I can’t help but feel there is some sort of sentimental attachment with the name connected to her X. Am I being unfair by asking her to pick another name?
-Soon to be Father

Dear Soon to be Father,
Firstly, congratulations on a second baby! This is an exciting time for everyone in your family, and a time for adjustment to change. Not to mention that your first born will now have to share mom and dad with a sibling. “What’s in a name, that which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet…?” Even though you both agreed to let your wife name your second child, the fact is that marriage is a team effort. You may have thought of the name the first time, but your wife agreed to it. Therefore, I think it's only fair that you permit her to suggest names this time (as you did the first time), but that you AGREE on one. Let her to come up with the options, but you have to agree. After all, it takes two to make a baby (in most cases). Marriage is a partnership in every direction, so no; I do not think it's unfair of you to ask her to pick another name, granted you feel the way you do about it. Here's a story to consider though... A friend of mine had a family member whom had done time in prison. Let’s call him “Lou”. She couldn’t stand Lou nor want anything to do with him. When she began dating, she would often meet men named Lou, and take that as a sign that they were wrong for her because she loathed her relative so much. However, one of her colleagues was named Lou, and she was unable to run away from him because she had to see him on a daily basis. He turned out to be one of the nicest and most decent men she knew. Today, they are dating. To think that her boyfriend shares the same name as a person she spent her life loathing is remarkable. There are different ways to look at it. Perhaps she would have preferred to shun that tainted name from her lips for all eternity? Or maybe she was willing to give the name a chance to take on a new meaning? In her case, one Lou replaced another. I assure you that if you do decide to go with the name your wife insists on, and when your son is born, he will become an individual apart from your wife’s X-boyfriend. He will be his own person, giving new life to a name you once disliked for personal reasons. Remember the fact that your wife picked you, not her X. You are her Romeo. I would push the idea of compromising on a similar but different name (if she likes it so much). Definitely explain to your wife how her decision makes you feel, if you haven’t already. Like you always hear; communication is key. She should listen with open ears and respect your feelings about it. I don’t know the details of her history with her X, but is it possible that these feelings are stemming from a current trust issue? It sounds like you are concerned that your wife still harbors feelings for her X. If so, you need to address that and work on it particularly. This could have something to do with the faith you have in your wife, or be feeding an insecurity you have with her past. In the aftermath, whoever your baby will be, he will be a new person all his own!