Dear Charlie,
I introduced my friend to a guy I work with and they have been dating for the past 3 months. I'm friends with the guy, but only through work. I don't know much about his personal life. My friend and I have been close for a long time. The other day, I saw him meet another girl outside of our building. They were in a very heated and passionate argument. From the looks of it, it seemed like they were romantically involved. I'm sure that my friend is unaware of whoever this girl is. Should I tell her or just stay out of it?
-Getting in the Middle
Dear Getting in the Middle,
You feel conflicted for obvious reasons. At the risk of becoming a snitch on your colleague, you feel a greater responsibility to protecting the heart of your friend. In this particular situation (friends with both of them), you are obligated to be honest with him yet protective of her. Loyalty to friends and partners is important, but that’s the whole point here. He is giving you reasons to believe that he is not loyal. Whatever he's got going on appears to be cause for concern. I feel that your obligation to be the eyes and ears of your girlfriend overrules. It's never safe to assume anything, but your eyes don't lie. Based on their body language, relationship dynamics were suggestive. The possibility exists that she could have been a sister upset about family matters, an old fling who just won’t go away, or a desperate homeless woman he has been helping. Most likely, she is exactly what you perceived her to be. Ask him about it. My guess is that you saw too much. You could approach him in a "not that it's any of my business but..." kind of way, and see what he has to say. Or you might tell him that you want to be a good friend to both of them; but that you feel she has the right to know if he's seeing someone else. Depending on how close you are with this guy, he may or may not confide in you, or divulge the truth. You must do the right thing. In this case, I feel that the right thing to do would be to tell your friend. Mention it casually as though you are not making assumptions. Let her decide what to do with the information you relayed to her. Besides, you are her friend. You want what’s best for her. Right? Real friends are there for each other; rooting for each others success. Naturally, if you witness someone in the act of betrayal against your friend, you should want to stand behind her. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be informed. Some people might believe you saw your coworker’s secret rendez vous for a reason. Some people might even say that your loyalty to your friend is being tested by a higher power. Spiritual views aside, you should be proudly loyal to your friend. You may decide that giving your colleague a heads up is a good idea. If you don't want to make him uncomfortable, there are ways to go about this gently. You don't have to corner him with interrogating questions; you can approach the situation with subtlety. Shoot him an email. Lay it on smooth and easy, maybe even with a twist of cutesy humor. "You're not messing around on my girl are you? Because I might have to hurt you hehehe…" If he doesn't have a sense of humor about it, then you might just say "Look, you're such a cool guy and I’m so happy my friend is dating you, but I'm just looking out for her...Does she need to be concerned about what I saw?" He may or may not acknowledge what has transpired, or even worse, he may be guilty and in denial. Remember, you don't know what's going on. You only know what you saw. If he gets defensive, tells you it's none of your business, or calls you a nark, then he is probably shady, immature and not to be trusted. Then you can go directly to your friend and tell her what you saw. If he is a decent and respectful guy, he may be good enough to come clean with you about the situation. If he says he will tell her on his own, make sure he does by following up. Do this by going to your friend in a suggestive kind of way, and probing her for any recent relationship stints. At that point, if she is oblivious, then he didn't tell her and it's on him because you confronted him. The cards were on the table. Confess to her what you saw and how you handled the situation. Explain that you gave him the chance to tell her but he didn’t take it. Hopefully he wasn’t planning on telling her after you have this conversation. Either way, you are in the middle because he put you there, either on purpose or by accident. Don't be ashamed of your friendships. Be publicly loyal to your friends. Let people know where you stand. Any reasonable person would understand what friendship and loyalty is all about. In fact, a reasonable person should expect loyalty in this case, because it goes with the territory. Definitely don't stay quiet. Not saying something breaks the code of friendship laws. By taking a passive stance in the matter, you keep your friend in the dark and make a fool of her. She would be very hurt to find out you saw something suspicious and didn’t report it. People who are straightforward have strong character. Go for it without hesitation. Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you prefer to live in fairyland with the help of a hollow "friend"?
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Denial about Naughty Boyfriend
Dear Charlie,
My friend is going through a really messy break up right now and it's all she talks about. Her boyfriend cheated on her habitually and she is aware of it but she kept taking him back. He calls her psycho yet she is still obsessed with him. Even now after they have broken up, it doesn't seem like they have really broken up because she still talks to him on a daily basis. I can't sit and listen to her sob story anymore because I think she needs to move on. I care about her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Am I doing the right thing by listening?
-Enough Already
Dear Enough Already,
You are a sweet, sensitive and considerate friend to her feelings. Nonetheless, you would be an even better friend if you were brutally honest with her. This honesty may be what she needs to snap out of it. Tell her the truth. She may not want to hear it, but the reality is that this sham of a relationship she is clinging onto is unhealthy for everyone involved (including you). Going in circles with someone doesn’t lead anywhere productive. It’s similar to having an unhealthy addiction. She would do herself a great injustice by giving this guy more chances; after he has proven himself to be someone she cannot trust nor rely on. She may have unrealistic or naïve expectations and hopes about him changing. If she keeps taking him back, but the results are not going to change. Her denial about him is causing you irritation because she's not being honest with herself. "First time, shame on him. Second time....." It's painful for some young women, to realize that they must start over with someone new, if they want to find a healthy and mature relationship. Some women just have a really hard time coming to terms with reality. They can't let go of someone they love who has lied to their face. They don’t understand that the person didn’t share the same values that they did, despite what was said. Talk is just talk. The way a man behaves is more important. We can try to convince people that we are what we say we are, but we only are those things when we display them. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, but you also shouldn’t live in a realm of suspicion. People need to have a healthy balance in new relationships by being wisely cautious. Trust must be earned, not automatically given. Some women feel like a failure when they are cheated on, but it’s not their fault. This is a time for your friend to find herself apart from the guy who has been a big distraction to her. It might be helpful for her to hear from someone (you) that you know how hard it is to cut ties with someone you love deeply. Guys who women get involved with sometimes claim they care about things their woman cares about. It doesn't have the same value until they exercise it, or practice what they’re preaching. I would say that you are being extremely considerate to your friend to keep listening, hoping she will figure it out on her own. However, you don't have to take this stance. You are perfectly entitled to lay down the law with her. Maybe she is stuck in denial so badly because no one is being honest with her. You can avoid the topic (or even her) until she confronts you about your distant behavior. At that point you will have no choice other than to tell her the reality of the situation. I suggest that you explain it to her up front. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy. This guy has successfully made of fool of her repeatedly, so you are done with him as her boyfriend and ready for her to find happiness. You do not support this guy in her life, disrespecting her, and you want her to find peace with someone who is a better match. In fact, she should start getting ready to be right for someone else as soon as possible. There’s no time to waste. It’s really quite exciting, but she doesn’t see it that way because she is being manipulated. If she isolates herself during this, then she’s putting herself exactly where he wants her. She needs to get out and socialize; meet other people and find support. Help her. If she keeps taking him back or even talking to him, she gives him the chance to manipulate her (and hurt her) again. This is foolish. Men will mistreat women to a point where it's royally selfish and unfair, driving them over the edge, and causing them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. I had a friend who was habitually cheated and she said "it did something to me that I really don't like. I didn't recognize myself." Men will be ridiculously unfair, and then have the audacity to call their girlfriends "psycho" when they struggle to manage life with them. Um, excuse me, no! No. She is not a psycho. She is responding to your ridiculous behavior! Guys who push their girlfriends over the edge with lies and betrayal, are a disease to the women who keep them around. I wish for every girl in this situation (caught in a web of a bastard’s shadiness) to snap out of it and move on too. Empowerment! Tell your friend that you are here for her, and that she needs to do whatever it takes to rid herself of this guy and his poison. You will be happy to help her be done with him. You understand that she cares for him, but he is not good for her. If she does not get the message or refuses to move on, then you must enforce some disciplinary tough love on her. Tell her point blank where you stand on the matter, and that you will not talk to her about him. You will not be around her if she is going to bring him up or keep seeing him because it’s unhealthy and you don’t support it. If she knows what's good for her, she will make a proactive decision to better herself by getting away from that “psycho”. Nobody can live like that. Not even you as her friend. It’s insane.
My friend is going through a really messy break up right now and it's all she talks about. Her boyfriend cheated on her habitually and she is aware of it but she kept taking him back. He calls her psycho yet she is still obsessed with him. Even now after they have broken up, it doesn't seem like they have really broken up because she still talks to him on a daily basis. I can't sit and listen to her sob story anymore because I think she needs to move on. I care about her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Am I doing the right thing by listening?
-Enough Already
Dear Enough Already,
You are a sweet, sensitive and considerate friend to her feelings. Nonetheless, you would be an even better friend if you were brutally honest with her. This honesty may be what she needs to snap out of it. Tell her the truth. She may not want to hear it, but the reality is that this sham of a relationship she is clinging onto is unhealthy for everyone involved (including you). Going in circles with someone doesn’t lead anywhere productive. It’s similar to having an unhealthy addiction. She would do herself a great injustice by giving this guy more chances; after he has proven himself to be someone she cannot trust nor rely on. She may have unrealistic or naïve expectations and hopes about him changing. If she keeps taking him back, but the results are not going to change. Her denial about him is causing you irritation because she's not being honest with herself. "First time, shame on him. Second time....." It's painful for some young women, to realize that they must start over with someone new, if they want to find a healthy and mature relationship. Some women just have a really hard time coming to terms with reality. They can't let go of someone they love who has lied to their face. They don’t understand that the person didn’t share the same values that they did, despite what was said. Talk is just talk. The way a man behaves is more important. We can try to convince people that we are what we say we are, but we only are those things when we display them. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, but you also shouldn’t live in a realm of suspicion. People need to have a healthy balance in new relationships by being wisely cautious. Trust must be earned, not automatically given. Some women feel like a failure when they are cheated on, but it’s not their fault. This is a time for your friend to find herself apart from the guy who has been a big distraction to her. It might be helpful for her to hear from someone (you) that you know how hard it is to cut ties with someone you love deeply. Guys who women get involved with sometimes claim they care about things their woman cares about. It doesn't have the same value until they exercise it, or practice what they’re preaching. I would say that you are being extremely considerate to your friend to keep listening, hoping she will figure it out on her own. However, you don't have to take this stance. You are perfectly entitled to lay down the law with her. Maybe she is stuck in denial so badly because no one is being honest with her. You can avoid the topic (or even her) until she confronts you about your distant behavior. At that point you will have no choice other than to tell her the reality of the situation. I suggest that you explain it to her up front. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy. This guy has successfully made of fool of her repeatedly, so you are done with him as her boyfriend and ready for her to find happiness. You do not support this guy in her life, disrespecting her, and you want her to find peace with someone who is a better match. In fact, she should start getting ready to be right for someone else as soon as possible. There’s no time to waste. It’s really quite exciting, but she doesn’t see it that way because she is being manipulated. If she isolates herself during this, then she’s putting herself exactly where he wants her. She needs to get out and socialize; meet other people and find support. Help her. If she keeps taking him back or even talking to him, she gives him the chance to manipulate her (and hurt her) again. This is foolish. Men will mistreat women to a point where it's royally selfish and unfair, driving them over the edge, and causing them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. I had a friend who was habitually cheated and she said "it did something to me that I really don't like. I didn't recognize myself." Men will be ridiculously unfair, and then have the audacity to call their girlfriends "psycho" when they struggle to manage life with them. Um, excuse me, no! No. She is not a psycho. She is responding to your ridiculous behavior! Guys who push their girlfriends over the edge with lies and betrayal, are a disease to the women who keep them around. I wish for every girl in this situation (caught in a web of a bastard’s shadiness) to snap out of it and move on too. Empowerment! Tell your friend that you are here for her, and that she needs to do whatever it takes to rid herself of this guy and his poison. You will be happy to help her be done with him. You understand that she cares for him, but he is not good for her. If she does not get the message or refuses to move on, then you must enforce some disciplinary tough love on her. Tell her point blank where you stand on the matter, and that you will not talk to her about him. You will not be around her if she is going to bring him up or keep seeing him because it’s unhealthy and you don’t support it. If she knows what's good for her, she will make a proactive decision to better herself by getting away from that “psycho”. Nobody can live like that. Not even you as her friend. It’s insane.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Long Distance Friends
Dear Charlie,
My best friend and I used to do everything together. We've been friends for 6 years. We used to exercise, have sleepovers, lunch dates, and I'd stay at her place when she went away. Then I met someone special and moved to another state to be with him. That’s when my best friend and I became phone buddies. It's been over a year now and my boyfriend and I are great, but my friend has stopped answering my calls. It’s like we’re not friends any more. Call me crazy, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a relationship and she’s not?!? Or if she just feels like it’s a waste of time. I’m trying to maintain our friendship but don't understand.
-Friendless
Dear Friendless,
Refer to the expression “out of sight, out of mind”, which I feel applies to your situation. Some people are impossible to keep in touch with unless you are in front of them on a daily basis. People can be surprising with how easily they fall off the face of the planet. It’s also effortless to get caught up with your own life and lose track of time or people you were once inseparable with. Life is always changing. Today we have so many options at our finger tips that make it very easy for us to stay connected. When someone you were close to don’t utilize those tools, you naturally feel hurt. What excuse do they have? I would hope that if I moved away, my friends would take advantage of options like Skype to stay in touch. If they didn’t, I would feel forgotten too. However, granted that you are in a relationship and your friend is not, I would say you have lost some common ground. You have changed. You used to be single and had a lot of time to commit to this friendship. Over time, you met someone who took priority over your friend that essentially led to your relocation, and now you are nothing more than a voice over the phone. To make matters worse, you are in a good relationship which your friend cannot currently relate to, so when you talk, it’s about that. Even if she has been in relationships before, the fact that she is not in one currently would make it hard for her to relate to you. You are on different pages. It’s possible that your friend felt abandoned by you, or became depressed after you moved away. I would say that loss affected her negatively whether she acknowledged it or not. She may be happy for you, but simply not on the same page as you anymore. It’s up to you to keep this relationship going, because it seems she has moved on. Try sending her a transcendent card, and reminding her how much you miss her and how special of a friend she really is to you. If you reach out and open the lines of communication, she will not forget you. Then one day she may realize that your friendship went deeper than just having a fun time. You have to make the effort though and try to focus on things you have in common. Keep an open mind. People stick with associations they relate to. Married couples are often friends with other married couples. It’s also important to have balance in your life, so make sure you’re not devoting everything you’ve got solely to your boyfriend. That can really sabotage a friendship. Long distance friendships are an impossible adjustment for some people to make, when they are used to regular visits. You once fulfilled a need that you no longer do. Women bond easily and it’s easy to replace friendships with food, hobbies, work, or even other friends. If you do not want to lose this friendship, then don’t give up. It’s also not likely she will stay single forever, so when she does meet someone, she may feel like she can suddenly connect with you again. Patience. Life is always shifting. She will come around again.
My best friend and I used to do everything together. We've been friends for 6 years. We used to exercise, have sleepovers, lunch dates, and I'd stay at her place when she went away. Then I met someone special and moved to another state to be with him. That’s when my best friend and I became phone buddies. It's been over a year now and my boyfriend and I are great, but my friend has stopped answering my calls. It’s like we’re not friends any more. Call me crazy, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a relationship and she’s not?!? Or if she just feels like it’s a waste of time. I’m trying to maintain our friendship but don't understand.
-Friendless
Dear Friendless,
Refer to the expression “out of sight, out of mind”, which I feel applies to your situation. Some people are impossible to keep in touch with unless you are in front of them on a daily basis. People can be surprising with how easily they fall off the face of the planet. It’s also effortless to get caught up with your own life and lose track of time or people you were once inseparable with. Life is always changing. Today we have so many options at our finger tips that make it very easy for us to stay connected. When someone you were close to don’t utilize those tools, you naturally feel hurt. What excuse do they have? I would hope that if I moved away, my friends would take advantage of options like Skype to stay in touch. If they didn’t, I would feel forgotten too. However, granted that you are in a relationship and your friend is not, I would say you have lost some common ground. You have changed. You used to be single and had a lot of time to commit to this friendship. Over time, you met someone who took priority over your friend that essentially led to your relocation, and now you are nothing more than a voice over the phone. To make matters worse, you are in a good relationship which your friend cannot currently relate to, so when you talk, it’s about that. Even if she has been in relationships before, the fact that she is not in one currently would make it hard for her to relate to you. You are on different pages. It’s possible that your friend felt abandoned by you, or became depressed after you moved away. I would say that loss affected her negatively whether she acknowledged it or not. She may be happy for you, but simply not on the same page as you anymore. It’s up to you to keep this relationship going, because it seems she has moved on. Try sending her a transcendent card, and reminding her how much you miss her and how special of a friend she really is to you. If you reach out and open the lines of communication, she will not forget you. Then one day she may realize that your friendship went deeper than just having a fun time. You have to make the effort though and try to focus on things you have in common. Keep an open mind. People stick with associations they relate to. Married couples are often friends with other married couples. It’s also important to have balance in your life, so make sure you’re not devoting everything you’ve got solely to your boyfriend. That can really sabotage a friendship. Long distance friendships are an impossible adjustment for some people to make, when they are used to regular visits. You once fulfilled a need that you no longer do. Women bond easily and it’s easy to replace friendships with food, hobbies, work, or even other friends. If you do not want to lose this friendship, then don’t give up. It’s also not likely she will stay single forever, so when she does meet someone, she may feel like she can suddenly connect with you again. Patience. Life is always shifting. She will come around again.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Boyfriend is Friends with his X
Dear Charlie,
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Not Invited to Roommate's Wedding
Dear Charlie,
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited
Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited
Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Charlie is here!
I offer honest advice on friends, love, relationships, family, work, etc. I live in Manhattan and work in the media. I'm very social. I know "people". I articulate relationship dynamics in a way you may find helpful, comforting or entertaining. Reading about other people going through things we can relate to is therapeutic, so browse the archives when you're feeling blue. You are not alone. It's hard to see a situation clearly when we are deeply involved in it. Emotions can cloud perception. Human beings are hard wired to connect to each other so we learn greatly from observing (& needing) each other. Allow my perception to help you by writing to me about an issue you are dealing with that needs help. I will listen and take time to assess your situation. You will always remain anonymous so feel free to be honest. Honesty is healthy, and it's my policy. I will tell you A) what you want to hear B) what you were already thinking C) what you don't want to hear D) what you may be in denial about E) what you suspect or F) what you haven't considered or weren't aware of... write to:
DearCharliegirl@yahoo.com
and don't forget to pray on it too.
DearCharliegirl@yahoo.com
and don't forget to pray on it too.
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