Dear Charlie,
I have the messiest boyfriend on Earth. Ironically, he’s a smart and well rounded guy who is established in the world of finance. Yet, he never picks up after himself. He grosses me out because he leaves wrappers and food on the counter tops all night. His clothes remain in a pile on the floor where he took them off, for days on end. I try to help him and tidy around the house, but it’s tiring to keep up with. The sink is piled full of dirty dishes every night. I don’t know what to do. I love the guy, but phew!
-The Maid Service
Dear Maid Service,
Your boyfriend sounds like a talented man, in the category of mess making at lightning speed. You may ask yourself why, if he has established himself financially, doesn’t he invest in a cleaning service? It’s amusing to watch a full grown, (handsome) man create mayhem like an adolescent. You might think of him as a Superhero with the capacity to dirty a mile high stack of dishes on a daily basis. Firstly, let’s try to see it his way. It’s plausible that your boyfriend just has other things on the forefront of his mind. Perhaps it’s not important to him to clean, like it is to you. People have different priorities. Some people actually feel most comfortable in messes. I have an artistic friend who claims she cannot function if everything in her space is in order. She needs a little chaos to feel inspired. It’s just her style. That being said, perhaps your boyfriend is comfortable in the havoc he creates. Just like messes bother some people, really orderly spaces make others feel uncomfortable. Look for a compromise regarding the difference between your cleaning habits, and you may find a happy medium. Don’t expect him to be you, but he can adjust himself in small ways to make you more comfortable. Who knows why he does it? There are many possible reasons. The most obvious would be to assume that his Mom cleaned up after him, so he never learned. That’s not necessarily the case though. She might be a very organized woman. Maybe he takes after someone he admired growing up. Or maybe he is too busy and distracted to have time to clean. Studies show that if a man is messy, he is probably not anal, which is a good thing. Chances are he doesn't ask you to clean up after him. He probably just isn't getting to the mess as quickly as you'd like him to. Maybe you are prone to compulsive tendencies (like me). The bottom line is that if you don't want to be cleaning up after him forever, you must break the cycle. A messy boyfriend can be transformed into a slightly more self sufficient one, with a little loving enforcement. Nobody is perfect and I’m sure there are things you do that annoy him too. If he is the financial bread-winner in the relationship, then perhaps you could afford to do more household chores. Besides, this relationship is a partnership. It’s not your job to clean up after him, unless you make it your job. We take on different roles in a relationship to create balance. There are women who will spend the rest of their life cleaning up after a man. It’s a full time job for some wives. That may work for them, but maybe you don’t want to be “that girl”. You are not married yet, so it’s best to establish your limits beforehand. This is part of getting to know someone (your mate). If you marry him without confronting an issue that bothers you, it sends the message that the issue is acceptable. Then if you decide to start changing him after you are married, he will assume you have become dissatisfied and changed. That’s not really fair. You must have realistic expectations and play fair. Talk to him. Focus on what you love about your boyfriend and everything he has to offer you. The relationship should be worth it, regardless of what comes along. His messiness is a simple preference variation between you. Just like you have personality preferences, this is one area where you differ. You may find it unbearable (understandably), but he’s entitled to be a person who likes messes. If it bothers you to the point where you can’t rest, then he must put forth some effort to make you more comfortable. Set some guidelines. Tell him you’re willing to help with the laundry but if it’s not in the hamper, it’s not happening. Tell him that trash goes in the garbage and not on the counter. You must be persistent and he will get it. You don’t want to sound like a nag, so be playful when you do this. He may not come out on the other side as an immaculate Mr. Clean, but I believe he will improve. Over time, you will find a flow that works for the two of you. You may even get somewhat used to his disarray. A man, who is a little messy, is really kind of cute. After all, he needs you.
