Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend has a twin and they have always been inseparable (not literally). There is a little tension between her twin and me, because she feels threatened by me. She worries that I will come between the two of them. She is having some financial problems right now and wants to come live with us until she gets on her feet. My girlfriend hopes I will understand and approve, but I’m really not happy about it.
-No Twins Attached
Dear No Twins Attached,
How phenomenal that your girlfriend is a twin! From soul mates to rivals, twins exist in every way. Each set of twins is unique in dynamic. Some twins are opposites, while others seem to be the same exact person. They are an involuntary partnership, which may be either embraced or resented. Some say that there’s no deeper connection and understanding than that of a twin. It sounds like your girlfriend has a comfortable companionship with her twin. However, not every set of twins gets along or accepts the constant presence of the other. Not all twins are attached at the hip (emotionally), but when they are, it’s described as an incomparably deep bond. Psychologists report that twin counseling is similar to couples therapy. Twins are a complicated phenomenon psychologically, because they often establish a balance between them that affords no room for anyone else. This causes tension in adulthood when romantic partners enter the scene. Many twins appreciate the value in having each other, and don’t take it for granted. They may become territorial or over protective of their “other half”. They are often intellectual and physical counterparts. They will finish each other’s sentences, talk in their own language, or even wear the same things. They are a pair. Their relation to each other is often how they identify themselves. It’s common in many households for twins to be raised as one being. Instead of being recognized as separate people, they are referred to as “the twins”. One of the most challenging things for twins to do as adults is become individuals apart from each other. Perhaps your girlfriend is more comfortable separating herself, while her twin is having a hard time individualizing. From her point of view, it has been just the two of them all this time, and then you came long to disrupt the flow. She naturally feels like she is competing with you for your girlfriend’s attention and affection, because she is. It’s challenging for some twins to disconnect, because of the history of their companionship. Twins are accustomed to always having each other. From your point of view, when you began dating your girlfriend, you didn’t sign up to date her twin too. You don’t want their (annoying) bond to invade the intimacy of your love. It feels like there are three of you in the relationship. Not good. What you are witnessing is an identity crisis, and the tender process of individuation. The real issue here is that she is your girlfriend’s family. That is the bottom line. Like a nagging Mother in Law, over bearing Father in Law, or high maintenance childhood pet, the twin comes in your girlfriend’s package deal. As time goes on, twins learn to function in the world without their sister or brother by their side at all times. They will always be twins, and that is a very special gift life has given them. As irritating as it might be, I think it would be big of you to allow her sister to stay with you TEMPORARILY, as long as there is a mutual respect. This is something they have to work on out of respect for you. Her twin will always be a part of her life and you cannot and should not try to change that. However, you are now an important piece of the puzzle too, and so her twin must make room for you. Maybe you can help her find a boyfriend…
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A Choice to Abort
Dear Charlie,
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, right when I found out I was pregnant by him. He disappeared as soon as I gave him the news by voice mail. He will not answer nor return my calls, or even acknowledge my situation. I have decided to have an abortion. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not stable at all. I’m not willing to raise a child by myself. My family is treating me like I’m a screw up, and criticizing me for letting a loser get me pregnant. My sister won’t even talk to me. I know that when I get the abortion, they will hold it against me forever. This whole thing has been a nightmare, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in my situation.
-Screwed Up
Dear Screwed Up (like we all have),
It's probably better to be diplomatic on this topic (with all the ugly politics involved). However, should you want to get technical, there are PLENTY of people who would be proud to offer you their support (including doctors). Whether you’re pro-life or pro-choice, there are some basic principles here that apply to everyone. Isn’t this whole life thing about the choices we make? Isn’t it OUR choice? Doesn’t everyone make choices they regret, or do things they aren’t proud of at one point or another? That’s not a matter of belief, that’s common sense. Everyone comes from somewhere different, so how can there be a one-size-fits-all solution to anything? What happened to forgiveness? You know, in a perfect world everyone would have 2 parents and be set up for life, but in THIS world people exist on every level of stability. You never know who you’re talking to, where they’ve been, or what they’re facing. It’s neither safe nor fair to assume anything about anyone. What then, gives people the right to judge situations they have never been in!?! I find it interesting that a majority of people opposing abortion, come from families where both Mother and Father were present throughout their life. How convenient. Not everyone has the means to raise a child on their own. Granted that there are many options to consider with unplanned pregnancy. If you wanted to give your newborn up for adoption, more power to you, but it's ultimately YOUR CHOICE. A lot of women have insurmountable hardships. Those who live in sheltered realities, can’t always imagine the hardship of those who are struggling. Some people’s expectations of other people’s circumstances are completely unreasonable and irrational. You are making one of the hardest choices that women are faced with. I know that must be hard, and the isolation from your family is painful. As if that wasn’t tough enough, you can’t turn to them for support. Then add it to the list that your boyfriend turned out to be a negligent, womanizing joke who abandoned you. He wont even answer your call. Look, you may have made some mistakes, but don’t we all? You didn’t get in this situation by yourself, nor expect your partner to abandon you. This could happen to anyone who has premarital sex (which is the majority), you were just unlucky. Some people will take every opportunity to spout their anti-abortion beliefs. Ironically, most of the people beating their chests about this have never been in a position to have to make such a painful decision. Good for them. How convenient. It must be nice. It’s always interesting when people who feel entitled to protest, have no actual life experience. What makes them so sure they wouldn’t do the same thing, if they were in your shoes? Who are they to decide? They will never know because they will never be in your shoes, and that’s exactly the point. To err is human. For every anti-abortion activist, there’s a counterpart group of pro-choice advocates to match them. Some will insist that abortion is murderous, shocking, and inhuman. Take these harsh words and judgments with a grain of salt, because not everyone sees it that way. Tap into the thousands upon thousands of women who have been in your shoes, and know what it’s like. Women are sometimes so attached to their own personal plans for babies; they fail to see that not everyone feels like they do. Well you don’t need a permission slip to disagree with them. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. The financial and emotional support that it requires to raise a child has to come from somewhere. It’s a shame on your family for kicking you when you’re down, or turning their backs on you as you go through this traumatic event. You may never gain the respect, forgiveness, or understanding of your family. Hopefully their love for you will overcome. You should know that there are millions of others walking with you on the matter. If you go through with the abortion, be your own friend by standing behind your decision and forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is an internal choice. People place abortion on different levels of the mistake making hierarchy. I told my friend who also “screwed up”, that I would still be her friend no matter what mistakes she made, because I too, am "mistaking". We all are. You will be alright. The fact that you don’t pop a kid out without thinking is a responsible decision in my opinion.
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, right when I found out I was pregnant by him. He disappeared as soon as I gave him the news by voice mail. He will not answer nor return my calls, or even acknowledge my situation. I have decided to have an abortion. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not stable at all. I’m not willing to raise a child by myself. My family is treating me like I’m a screw up, and criticizing me for letting a loser get me pregnant. My sister won’t even talk to me. I know that when I get the abortion, they will hold it against me forever. This whole thing has been a nightmare, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in my situation.
-Screwed Up
Dear Screwed Up (like we all have),
It's probably better to be diplomatic on this topic (with all the ugly politics involved). However, should you want to get technical, there are PLENTY of people who would be proud to offer you their support (including doctors). Whether you’re pro-life or pro-choice, there are some basic principles here that apply to everyone. Isn’t this whole life thing about the choices we make? Isn’t it OUR choice? Doesn’t everyone make choices they regret, or do things they aren’t proud of at one point or another? That’s not a matter of belief, that’s common sense. Everyone comes from somewhere different, so how can there be a one-size-fits-all solution to anything? What happened to forgiveness? You know, in a perfect world everyone would have 2 parents and be set up for life, but in THIS world people exist on every level of stability. You never know who you’re talking to, where they’ve been, or what they’re facing. It’s neither safe nor fair to assume anything about anyone. What then, gives people the right to judge situations they have never been in!?! I find it interesting that a majority of people opposing abortion, come from families where both Mother and Father were present throughout their life. How convenient. Not everyone has the means to raise a child on their own. Granted that there are many options to consider with unplanned pregnancy. If you wanted to give your newborn up for adoption, more power to you, but it's ultimately YOUR CHOICE. A lot of women have insurmountable hardships. Those who live in sheltered realities, can’t always imagine the hardship of those who are struggling. Some people’s expectations of other people’s circumstances are completely unreasonable and irrational. You are making one of the hardest choices that women are faced with. I know that must be hard, and the isolation from your family is painful. As if that wasn’t tough enough, you can’t turn to them for support. Then add it to the list that your boyfriend turned out to be a negligent, womanizing joke who abandoned you. He wont even answer your call. Look, you may have made some mistakes, but don’t we all? You didn’t get in this situation by yourself, nor expect your partner to abandon you. This could happen to anyone who has premarital sex (which is the majority), you were just unlucky. Some people will take every opportunity to spout their anti-abortion beliefs. Ironically, most of the people beating their chests about this have never been in a position to have to make such a painful decision. Good for them. How convenient. It must be nice. It’s always interesting when people who feel entitled to protest, have no actual life experience. What makes them so sure they wouldn’t do the same thing, if they were in your shoes? Who are they to decide? They will never know because they will never be in your shoes, and that’s exactly the point. To err is human. For every anti-abortion activist, there’s a counterpart group of pro-choice advocates to match them. Some will insist that abortion is murderous, shocking, and inhuman. Take these harsh words and judgments with a grain of salt, because not everyone sees it that way. Tap into the thousands upon thousands of women who have been in your shoes, and know what it’s like. Women are sometimes so attached to their own personal plans for babies; they fail to see that not everyone feels like they do. Well you don’t need a permission slip to disagree with them. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. The financial and emotional support that it requires to raise a child has to come from somewhere. It’s a shame on your family for kicking you when you’re down, or turning their backs on you as you go through this traumatic event. You may never gain the respect, forgiveness, or understanding of your family. Hopefully their love for you will overcome. You should know that there are millions of others walking with you on the matter. If you go through with the abortion, be your own friend by standing behind your decision and forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is an internal choice. People place abortion on different levels of the mistake making hierarchy. I told my friend who also “screwed up”, that I would still be her friend no matter what mistakes she made, because I too, am "mistaking". We all are. You will be alright. The fact that you don’t pop a kid out without thinking is a responsible decision in my opinion.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Adult Sibling Rivalry
Dear Charlie,
My mom and I have always been close. I have 3 older sisters whom I’m not close with, but this doesn’t affect my bond with my mom. We talk all the time. Lately my mom has been pressing the issue of a family gathering. My older sisters and I have always been very different and don’t really get along. I usually excuse myself from visiting any of them because I live in a different state and my job doesn’t allow me a lot of vacation time. The problem is that my mom really wants us to all get together. I really don’t like being around my older sisters because of how they make me feel, but I want to please my mother. I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.
-Momma’s Girl
Dear Momma’s Girl,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you should allow yourself to keep avoiding them and bypassing all family events.
B) Maybe you were thinking “why couldn’t I have brothers”?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that it’s your right to talk to your family about how they make you feel.
D) I don’t think you are in denial about anything here… except that your sisters don’t respect you.
E) Maybe you weren’t aware that as an adult, you’re entitled to voice yourself to your sisters if they’re treating you poorly, because you deserve respect whether they like it or not.
It’s sweet of you be so considerate of their feelings, but ask yourself why? They apparently don’t worry about how they make you feel. Adult sibling rivalry is a drag. Sometimes the baby in the family has it easy because they tend to get special treatment and the older siblings take on a protective role, but not in your case. It would be big of you to put your feelings aside for your mom’s sake, because eventually there will be a wedding or baby shower (if there hasn’t been already), or God forbid a funeral. You will inevitably be stuck in the same room together at some point. When we are around family, we tend to regress because of our childhood history. The fact that you and your mom are so close perhaps makes them feel jealous that you are the favorite. This is a common issue that exists on different levels. An abundance of estrogen can be a good or bad thing in families. Not everyone is like Little Women. That’s not to say the dynamics would be any different if you had brothers instead. Perhaps there are some blame games and competition going on among them. You should accept that you can’t turn to your sisters for support, because you are most not likely going to get any. Come to terms with this fact and look for support elsewhere. Not everyone has a supportive family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, doing more damage than good, which is unfortunate. You have to work with what you have, but only to an extent. What you DON’T have to do, is keep taking people’s abusive treatment. Don’t allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Stop them by asserting yourself when it happens, and flat out explaining why you avoid family gatherings. You have every right to tell them why you’ve chosen not to see them regularly. They will either accept it, or pile on the hill of stones they are ready to throw at you. You are all adults now, so they are responsible for behaving as such. Some people want to use their younger sibling as a whipping post for the rest of eternity, but that’s not your job. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Throw the “blood is thicker than water” reasoning right out the window because it doesn’t always apply. Blood is thicker in many cases, but in some cases water is a cleaner option. Some families are horrible to each other. Try to work with it in an adult fashion, without taking their comments too personally. Based on how bad you have it, I would say to weigh out the situation as something workable or unhealthy. You may find them ridiculous and unable to break old habits, in which case you must practice some empowerment and cut the cord. It doesn’t sound like something you want to do, but some people have to demand respect in their families or walk away. You don’t have to answer to them. This could be a healthy option for you if you fell they are very emotionally abusive. You don’t need to carry that kind of weight around in your life. A major study done in the 90s, showed that 1/3 of the adult population described their sibling relations as distant rivalry. Your family is supposed to support you, not hurt you. Some siblings are just frozen in old habits and sometimes it’s just a loss cause. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but it is what it is. We are all just people in a crazy world any ways. Life is hard enough. I say voice yourself and be heard loud and clear. If you are disappointed by their response, move on from their burden. I also think you have valid excuses however to be missing these events, which adults should understand. Yes, family should be made a priority, but perhaps THEY are in denial about the reality of this sh!tty situation, and how little they respect you. One day you can build your own family.
My mom and I have always been close. I have 3 older sisters whom I’m not close with, but this doesn’t affect my bond with my mom. We talk all the time. Lately my mom has been pressing the issue of a family gathering. My older sisters and I have always been very different and don’t really get along. I usually excuse myself from visiting any of them because I live in a different state and my job doesn’t allow me a lot of vacation time. The problem is that my mom really wants us to all get together. I really don’t like being around my older sisters because of how they make me feel, but I want to please my mother. I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.
-Momma’s Girl
Dear Momma’s Girl,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you should allow yourself to keep avoiding them and bypassing all family events.
B) Maybe you were thinking “why couldn’t I have brothers”?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that it’s your right to talk to your family about how they make you feel.
D) I don’t think you are in denial about anything here… except that your sisters don’t respect you.
E) Maybe you weren’t aware that as an adult, you’re entitled to voice yourself to your sisters if they’re treating you poorly, because you deserve respect whether they like it or not.
It’s sweet of you be so considerate of their feelings, but ask yourself why? They apparently don’t worry about how they make you feel. Adult sibling rivalry is a drag. Sometimes the baby in the family has it easy because they tend to get special treatment and the older siblings take on a protective role, but not in your case. It would be big of you to put your feelings aside for your mom’s sake, because eventually there will be a wedding or baby shower (if there hasn’t been already), or God forbid a funeral. You will inevitably be stuck in the same room together at some point. When we are around family, we tend to regress because of our childhood history. The fact that you and your mom are so close perhaps makes them feel jealous that you are the favorite. This is a common issue that exists on different levels. An abundance of estrogen can be a good or bad thing in families. Not everyone is like Little Women. That’s not to say the dynamics would be any different if you had brothers instead. Perhaps there are some blame games and competition going on among them. You should accept that you can’t turn to your sisters for support, because you are most not likely going to get any. Come to terms with this fact and look for support elsewhere. Not everyone has a supportive family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, doing more damage than good, which is unfortunate. You have to work with what you have, but only to an extent. What you DON’T have to do, is keep taking people’s abusive treatment. Don’t allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Stop them by asserting yourself when it happens, and flat out explaining why you avoid family gatherings. You have every right to tell them why you’ve chosen not to see them regularly. They will either accept it, or pile on the hill of stones they are ready to throw at you. You are all adults now, so they are responsible for behaving as such. Some people want to use their younger sibling as a whipping post for the rest of eternity, but that’s not your job. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Throw the “blood is thicker than water” reasoning right out the window because it doesn’t always apply. Blood is thicker in many cases, but in some cases water is a cleaner option. Some families are horrible to each other. Try to work with it in an adult fashion, without taking their comments too personally. Based on how bad you have it, I would say to weigh out the situation as something workable or unhealthy. You may find them ridiculous and unable to break old habits, in which case you must practice some empowerment and cut the cord. It doesn’t sound like something you want to do, but some people have to demand respect in their families or walk away. You don’t have to answer to them. This could be a healthy option for you if you fell they are very emotionally abusive. You don’t need to carry that kind of weight around in your life. A major study done in the 90s, showed that 1/3 of the adult population described their sibling relations as distant rivalry. Your family is supposed to support you, not hurt you. Some siblings are just frozen in old habits and sometimes it’s just a loss cause. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but it is what it is. We are all just people in a crazy world any ways. Life is hard enough. I say voice yourself and be heard loud and clear. If you are disappointed by their response, move on from their burden. I also think you have valid excuses however to be missing these events, which adults should understand. Yes, family should be made a priority, but perhaps THEY are in denial about the reality of this sh!tty situation, and how little they respect you. One day you can build your own family.
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