Dear Charlie,
I love to read advice columns. I read them all the time, all different kinds. I was reading a local magazine’s advice column here in Seattle, and one of the letters sounded very familiar. A guy wrote about his live in girlfriend, whom just celebrated their 2 year anniversary. He said his girlfriend was a student and he complained about her being self centered. He said that he didn’t always get along with her. He was questioning the relationship. It was almost as though my boyfriend had written it. This describes us perfectly! Well, I hacked into his email and discovered that he did. I can’t believe it! Do you think I should break up with him over this? I can’t believe he really feels this way.
-Stressed in Seattle
Dear Stressed in Seattle,
As an advice giver myself, this is one of the most ironic things I have ever read. Listen, people write to advice columns with discrepancy and privacy. Sometimes it's an issue they are unsure of, but a lot of the time they just want to vent. Sometimes it’s impulsive or on a whim, regarding an issue they just can’t wrap their head around. A lot of people will put it out there just to get feedback. I honestly think it’s perfectly normal to be unsure. If you were to graph private human thought patterns, you would see lines going up and down all over the place. This is because thoughts are fleeting and what you might find deep inside the mind is messy or instable. There’s a saying that goes like this; “the mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone.” Don’t throw in the towel just yet. It’s also absolutely normal to have insecure thoughts and feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend just had a moment, and that moment has passed. Look at all these letters that people write. Have you ever had a fight and needed to vent anonymously? Some people will call up a friend and vent that way; your boyfriend just chose the public column route. That’s the beauty of advice columns; they are (usually) unbiased. Sometimes people know what the right thing to do is, or how they feel about something, but writing to an advice column is an outlet that justifies or validates their feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really feel that way, but only used the advice column as a form to express himself and to vent. Maybe he wants to protect you from this side of him? Can you honestly say that you’ve never felt or thought something that would hurt his feelings if he found out? Despite how human beings behave in public, what they say, or how they function in the professional world, we are really not very stable creatures. Our minds are full of imagination, emotional whims, experimental ideas, and thought patterns that come and go. I really don’t think you need to be worried, I think he was just experimenting, as most people do who write in for advice. They just want to see what a neutral party has to say about their situation. Sometimes people just want to look at an issue from a different angle. You have no idea what his motives were, and it’s not safe to assume because you don’t know what he’s thinking. What you got was a glimpse into his very private and personal thoughts. It’s unfortunate that his cover was blown but maybe he should have written to someone a little farther away. Does he know you love advice columns? What are the chances that he knew you would read it? While it may have hurt your feelings or given you cause for concern, I feel that anything festering in the mind may surface in different ways, but until it becomes an action or is stated consciously to the appropriate party, it’s just a thought. Talk to him. I wouldn’t advise confessing that you read his email, because that’s breaking a boundary of trust as well, and will not do either of you any good. Don’t get into that habit. I think you should show him the article, and ask him if he wrote it. Play it safe. If he denies it, look him in the eye and tell him that you know he wrote it. If he denies it, gets defensive, or demands to know how you came about this information, tell him "I just know". You are a woman of instinct, no? Insist that you know he wrote it. Ask him if he really feels that way about you and tell him that it hurts. If he won’t admit to it, then you’ve got another issue on your hands. He may need some time to come clean about this, but give him a chance. He may not be able to admit it, if he really doesn’t feel that way or is ashamed. After all, you saw something private that you weren’t supposed to. Go to him with open ears, and tell him that you understand how private thoughts can fester and surface in different ways. Don’t get too confrontational; be gentle because he may be very embarrassed or regret doing it in the first place. He may not feel that way at all anymore. The most important thing here is to give your relationship more time to grow and mature, and see how it goes. You need to be upfront and honest with each other, but you’re entitled to make mistakes. As a student, you are probably preoccupied with things other than your relationship. It’s hard not to be self centered when you are in school and so much is on the line. It's understandable. Maybe there are things about you that he hasn’t come to terms with yet, but that’s the case for most young relationships. If he had confessed to cheating on you, then that would be a deal breaker. This however, sounds to me like fleeting thoughts and whimsy rants, which everyone needs from time to time. Wouldn't you agree?
; )
