Dear Charlie,
My friend is going through a really messy break up right now and it's all she talks about. Her boyfriend cheated on her habitually and she is aware of it but she kept taking him back. He calls her psycho yet she is still obsessed with him. Even now after they have broken up, it doesn't seem like they have really broken up because she still talks to him on a daily basis. I can't sit and listen to her sob story anymore because I think she needs to move on. I care about her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Am I doing the right thing by listening?
-Enough Already
Dear Enough Already,
You are a sweet, sensitive and considerate friend to her feelings. Nonetheless, you would be an even better friend if you were brutally honest with her. This honesty may be what she needs to snap out of it. Tell her the truth. She may not want to hear it, but the reality is that this sham of a relationship she is clinging onto is unhealthy for everyone involved (including you). Going in circles with someone doesn’t lead anywhere productive. It’s similar to having an unhealthy addiction. She would do herself a great injustice by giving this guy more chances; after he has proven himself to be someone she cannot trust nor rely on. She may have unrealistic or naïve expectations and hopes about him changing. If she keeps taking him back, but the results are not going to change. Her denial about him is causing you irritation because she's not being honest with herself. "First time, shame on him. Second time....." It's painful for some young women, to realize that they must start over with someone new, if they want to find a healthy and mature relationship. Some women just have a really hard time coming to terms with reality. They can't let go of someone they love who has lied to their face. They don’t understand that the person didn’t share the same values that they did, despite what was said. Talk is just talk. The way a man behaves is more important. We can try to convince people that we are what we say we are, but we only are those things when we display them. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, but you also shouldn’t live in a realm of suspicion. People need to have a healthy balance in new relationships by being wisely cautious. Trust must be earned, not automatically given. Some women feel like a failure when they are cheated on, but it’s not their fault. This is a time for your friend to find herself apart from the guy who has been a big distraction to her. It might be helpful for her to hear from someone (you) that you know how hard it is to cut ties with someone you love deeply. Guys who women get involved with sometimes claim they care about things their woman cares about. It doesn't have the same value until they exercise it, or practice what they’re preaching. I would say that you are being extremely considerate to your friend to keep listening, hoping she will figure it out on her own. However, you don't have to take this stance. You are perfectly entitled to lay down the law with her. Maybe she is stuck in denial so badly because no one is being honest with her. You can avoid the topic (or even her) until she confronts you about your distant behavior. At that point you will have no choice other than to tell her the reality of the situation. I suggest that you explain it to her up front. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy. This guy has successfully made of fool of her repeatedly, so you are done with him as her boyfriend and ready for her to find happiness. You do not support this guy in her life, disrespecting her, and you want her to find peace with someone who is a better match. In fact, she should start getting ready to be right for someone else as soon as possible. There’s no time to waste. It’s really quite exciting, but she doesn’t see it that way because she is being manipulated. If she isolates herself during this, then she’s putting herself exactly where he wants her. She needs to get out and socialize; meet other people and find support. Help her. If she keeps taking him back or even talking to him, she gives him the chance to manipulate her (and hurt her) again. This is foolish. Men will mistreat women to a point where it's royally selfish and unfair, driving them over the edge, and causing them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. I had a friend who was habitually cheated and she said "it did something to me that I really don't like. I didn't recognize myself." Men will be ridiculously unfair, and then have the audacity to call their girlfriends "psycho" when they struggle to manage life with them. Um, excuse me, no! No. She is not a psycho. She is responding to your ridiculous behavior! Guys who push their girlfriends over the edge with lies and betrayal, are a disease to the women who keep them around. I wish for every girl in this situation (caught in a web of a bastard’s shadiness) to snap out of it and move on too. Empowerment! Tell your friend that you are here for her, and that she needs to do whatever it takes to rid herself of this guy and his poison. You will be happy to help her be done with him. You understand that she cares for him, but he is not good for her. If she does not get the message or refuses to move on, then you must enforce some disciplinary tough love on her. Tell her point blank where you stand on the matter, and that you will not talk to her about him. You will not be around her if she is going to bring him up or keep seeing him because it’s unhealthy and you don’t support it. If she knows what's good for her, she will make a proactive decision to better herself by getting away from that “psycho”. Nobody can live like that. Not even you as her friend. It’s insane.
Showing posts with label dysfunctional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dysfunctional. Show all posts
Friday, June 18, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Alcoholic Friend
Dear Charlie,
My friend has a drinking problem. I really like my friend when she’s sober, but I can’t stand her when she’s drunk. I want nothing to do with her the minute she orders a drink, because I know she will not be able to have just one. She always exceeds her limits, and it’s embarrassing. I think this is distasteful and rude. I'm not trying to lose a friend, but I don’t know how to handle her when she gets like that.
-The Sober One
Dear Sober One,
Is this a recent habit of your friend? Or has she always been a drinker? Maybe it’s just a phase she’s going through, or maybe she’s got some deep issues she hasn’t worked out. Perhaps your friend’s drinking habits were tolerable before, but now they’re reaching new heights. If she is going through a hard time, then this is a really bad way of coping with it. She may need to talk to someone, but you are not obligated to be her therapist. Out of concern as her friend, it would be acceptable for you to tell her she has a problem. Confront your friend in a way that you are comfortable. Suggest making plans anywhere BUT a bar or restaurant where alcohol is accessible. Explain that excessive drinking is terribly unhealthy, and that you are worried about her well being. If she doesn’t appreciate your concern, then that’s too bad. She is putting you in a bad position with her intolerable conduct. You’re right; it’s distasteful, rude, and unfair to you, as well as herself. She needs to have more respect for herself, as well as you. Some people cannot have a drink without killing the entire bottle. If one drink immediately exceeds another, and soon your friend is inebriated, then stop hanging out with her. If that’s all she wants to do, then she is free to carry on without you. This is not a past time that you wish to par take in. If she is going to behave that way, then you are not obligated to keep her company. It’s good to take some responsibility for the people you care about, but at some point they have to help themselves. You can try to help, but if she doesn’t do the foot work, then your case is closed. Your friend has the same problem that many dysfunctional people have. Let me remind you that alcoholism is classified as a clinical disease. Many alcoholics will shut themselves off from their support systems, because they don’t want to be told that what they’re doing is unacceptable. This isolation combined with drinking associations, sets them up for disaster. Passivity towards this behavior sends the message that it is acceptable. Your friend needs an intervention, but ultimately no one can make her change if she insists on not taking care of herself. She has to want to change. Maybe you can try reaching out to her family and letting them know what she has been up to… If you confront her about her problem and she doesn’t take action to fix it, then the problem is out of your hands. It’s very hard to overcome this harmful addiction without professional help. It starts with a realization of the problem, followed by an acknowledgment that you have it, and a desire to change. It is not your job to become her personally life coach. You are her friend, and in being that you must bring it to her attention. You do not support her killing her liver and drowning her life in a bottle of booze(among other things). Tell her what she is doing to herself, her reputation, her body, her life, and how it makes you feel. Some people just choose to throw their lives away, but you don’t have to continue to associate with people who make poor decisions. Once you have tried to help, it is up to her. You don’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation she causes with her irresponsibility. Sometimes a friendship is better off frozen in time as a memory. People change for better, and sometimes for worse, but you can’t hold someone’s entire world up. They have to take action or else it becomes unhealthy for you. This is a dark path she has chosen to go down, and that is her choice. When a ship is sinking, it may drag you down with it...
My friend has a drinking problem. I really like my friend when she’s sober, but I can’t stand her when she’s drunk. I want nothing to do with her the minute she orders a drink, because I know she will not be able to have just one. She always exceeds her limits, and it’s embarrassing. I think this is distasteful and rude. I'm not trying to lose a friend, but I don’t know how to handle her when she gets like that.
-The Sober One
Dear Sober One,
Is this a recent habit of your friend? Or has she always been a drinker? Maybe it’s just a phase she’s going through, or maybe she’s got some deep issues she hasn’t worked out. Perhaps your friend’s drinking habits were tolerable before, but now they’re reaching new heights. If she is going through a hard time, then this is a really bad way of coping with it. She may need to talk to someone, but you are not obligated to be her therapist. Out of concern as her friend, it would be acceptable for you to tell her she has a problem. Confront your friend in a way that you are comfortable. Suggest making plans anywhere BUT a bar or restaurant where alcohol is accessible. Explain that excessive drinking is terribly unhealthy, and that you are worried about her well being. If she doesn’t appreciate your concern, then that’s too bad. She is putting you in a bad position with her intolerable conduct. You’re right; it’s distasteful, rude, and unfair to you, as well as herself. She needs to have more respect for herself, as well as you. Some people cannot have a drink without killing the entire bottle. If one drink immediately exceeds another, and soon your friend is inebriated, then stop hanging out with her. If that’s all she wants to do, then she is free to carry on without you. This is not a past time that you wish to par take in. If she is going to behave that way, then you are not obligated to keep her company. It’s good to take some responsibility for the people you care about, but at some point they have to help themselves. You can try to help, but if she doesn’t do the foot work, then your case is closed. Your friend has the same problem that many dysfunctional people have. Let me remind you that alcoholism is classified as a clinical disease. Many alcoholics will shut themselves off from their support systems, because they don’t want to be told that what they’re doing is unacceptable. This isolation combined with drinking associations, sets them up for disaster. Passivity towards this behavior sends the message that it is acceptable. Your friend needs an intervention, but ultimately no one can make her change if she insists on not taking care of herself. She has to want to change. Maybe you can try reaching out to her family and letting them know what she has been up to… If you confront her about her problem and she doesn’t take action to fix it, then the problem is out of your hands. It’s very hard to overcome this harmful addiction without professional help. It starts with a realization of the problem, followed by an acknowledgment that you have it, and a desire to change. It is not your job to become her personally life coach. You are her friend, and in being that you must bring it to her attention. You do not support her killing her liver and drowning her life in a bottle of booze(among other things). Tell her what she is doing to herself, her reputation, her body, her life, and how it makes you feel. Some people just choose to throw their lives away, but you don’t have to continue to associate with people who make poor decisions. Once you have tried to help, it is up to her. You don’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation she causes with her irresponsibility. Sometimes a friendship is better off frozen in time as a memory. People change for better, and sometimes for worse, but you can’t hold someone’s entire world up. They have to take action or else it becomes unhealthy for you. This is a dark path she has chosen to go down, and that is her choice. When a ship is sinking, it may drag you down with it...
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