Dear Charlie,
I’m an older woman who has always colored her hair. I like to keep up with current style trends. I do not have a mate, but I would like to find one. Lately my kids have been encouraging me to let my natural hair color grow in. It would be brave since my hair is gray now and I have never revealed it to anyone. Do you think I should keep coloring my hair to attract a boyfriend? Or let myself be natural for once?
-Hiding the Grays
Dear Hiding the Grays,
Human beings are visual creatures and first impressions really do last. We assume things about people when we look at them, whether we intend to or not. If a girl wears a short skirt and low cut top, we assume certain things about her character. The same goes for hair. You understand how style makes an impression. That being said, when I see older women donning a head of naturally aged hair, I am neither turned off nor disgusted. I find myself rather enchanted and curios about her. It's inspirational. I think it’s natural to fight the gray at first. I also think that gray hair sends the message “I’m not afraid of my age, and I have lived a full life”. It makes me want to know more about that person. I think a mature man would find this kind of confidence attractive too. You don't want a guy who is just looking for arm candy, do you? You are too good for that. I don’t know what kind of life you have lived, but I would find you more approachable if you appeared comfortable with it. Aging is a natural part of life, and it’s a shame when you feel you have to run away from it or cover it up. It’s no small wonder why anyone would feel like that. That’s what society has done to us. That's what's wrong with all of us. I would like you to know that you are completely acceptable and glorious to be the age that you are. There is room for everyone in this world. In fact, we need you. There’s too much youth and cosmetically altered “beauty” running ramped on the streets. Its polluting minds and making highly valuable people feel inadequate and unappreciated. Gray adds a lot of character and appeal to a mature woman. I think women who aren’t afraid to show their age in this society of youthful worship, appear strong and independent. An older woman with natural hair has an interesting appeal. She seems more like she doesn’t have regrets, and isn’t trying to undo the past, more than a woman with color. Dyes start to all look the same after a while. The natural color makes a person seem rather satisfied with the life they have lived, and unashamed. That’s a woman I would like to talk with. I admire it greatly. I think a lot of people feel that way, they just lack fortitude to admit it. If the people around us are making us feel inhibited about age, then we're in the wrong crowd. Gray hair is something obtained over time. You earned it and it’s your right to shine. There are those cases when someone young is experiencing premature gray growth, but that can be unique too. Society places a horrifying amount of emphasis on women to remain 20-something in body and mind. This pressure is ridiculous and unrealistic, and anyone buying into it is a fool. Youthful beauty is promoted for sales. Companies want to be rich so they create things you "need" and use manipulation for sales. What matters is who you are inside, not the clothes or the hair. You can project the inside out. Don't worry about pleasing everyone else. What about pleasing yourself? I have no need for people who want to reduce themselves to standards that disgrace the evolution and natural growth process of human beings. It’s silly. I understand being a stylish woman or having a passion for fashion, but gray hair can be quite sophisticated and fashionable. Grays and whites add a punch of color to a room full of brunettes and blonds. Chemically enhanced hair is a dime a dozen. How else would hair stylists stay employed? When you see a woman with gray roots, I think it sends the message that she is not comfortable with aging. I say embrace your age, and find a man who is on the same page, who will appreciate you for who and what you are. What better way to be yourself than to look your age? I know some men who feel that hair color is false advertising. Ha! If you are of a certain age where your hair is no longer the texture or color it once was, I don’t think that’s a loss. I think that’s an inheritance. You have inherited an appeal which shows you have lived and seen many things. Be free. If you want to keep maintaining a youthful appearance by coloring it, then that is your choice. There’s nothing wrong with being artistic or wanting to enhance the color of something. I colored my hair for 2 decades. You can also enhance your gray or brighten your white with a toner, without altering the color too much. What this world needs are more people who are willing to set a good, solid example to us young fools by being themselves. We need heroes. Anyone who confidently struts their natural hair color is a hero in my book. We need people to remind us that it’s acceptable to be what you are. The more the better! There’s room for every age and type in this world. We need older people to make us feel that life is a gift, and that aging is a wonderful part of that. Quite frankly, sometimes I can’t wait to be older so that I don’t have to deal with harsh modern day pressures. I guess I think that aging gives the green light to cast your cares to the wind. I really think society needs older and wiser folks to come out of hiding. What are we so afraid of anyways? That the girl in the magazine ad will be more beautiful than us? Big deal. Where is the depth and maturity? Where is the soul? Where is the beautiful older woman with her natural hair, showing me that I am acceptable at any age? I have seen many attractive older ladies, with beautiful long locks of silver, gray or snow white. They are a breath of fresh air every time. Thus, I am rooting for the grays. Your children love you and have a wonderful idea…
Showing posts with label maturity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label maturity. Show all posts
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Rude Friends
Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are very different, but we’re in love. He’s in finance, and I’m a student who waits tables. The problem is that I just don’t fit in with his friends at all. Any time I’m invited to hang out with them, I don’t enjoy myself. They are mainly successful business men, and I have nothing in common with any of them. They make me feel silly and unwanted. One of them is always rude. He will interrupt me when I talk like it's not important, or just plain ignore me. I feel he’s cocky and condescending, but my boyfriend gets along with him famously. My boyfriend says his friend is a “nice guy” and never wants to talk about it. Ugh!
-Awkward Girlfriend
Dear Awkward Girlfriend,
I think that differences can complement each other beautifully, and be healthy for a relationship. Social differences are OK too, as long as they’re respectful. It sounds like his friends have respect issues. This is the stuff that comedic movies are made of. If you’re struggling to fit into your boyfriends’ circle of arrogant friends, then I’d say to stop trying. You go to his social events out of respect for him. His friends come with the package, but you don’t have to put up with them if they're going to be jerks. You need friends of your own. If your boyfriend respects you, he should listen and care how his arrogant friends are making you feel… unless he wants to snuggle up to them at night. You can explain to him that they treat you differently than they treat him. You are not one of the guys. Some of his friends may be selfish and want him all to themselves. Friends, who have known each other for a long time, naturally regress when they get together. Sometimes they are territorial. This is immature, and they should get a life. Do they not have girlfriends of their own? They definitely make you appreciate your own friends, all the more. You are not obligated to mesh with them. Set some guidelines for yourself: make an appearance only when absolutely necessary, smile, wave, be polite and courteous... then roll your eyes and promptly down a glass of champagne. Just kidding! (I have used this tactic before) Whether it’s that they personally dislike you, or just don’t want girlfriends around, boys will be boys. Men on the other hand, take charge and make their lady feel special and like she is a priority. His friends may feel threatened by you because you are the new woman in his life. Well that’s too bad for them. A huge part of growing up is becoming independent. People who never break away from immature associations, don’t really grow. If you can’t be in his social circle without getting upset or offended, then don’t be. It’s that simple. Stop going. Let him have his guy time, while you do other things. Your world doesn’t evolve around him and it definitely doesn’t have to encompass jerks. You have better things to do than hang out with his cocky pals, especially if they act like they don’t want you there. Do you think you’re silly? Don’t let them belittle you or make you feel insignificant. You are special to your boyfriend, and that’s whose opinion matters. Imagine they are like coworkers you have to interact with, but not necessarily like. Be above the situation by letting it roll off your shoulders. If they are being rude or obnoxious, then feel free to give them back what they dish out, or suddenly have somewhere to be. Your boyfriend will get the point. Sometimes this is more effective than being direct, when your boyfriend is in denial that his friends are assholes. You may find they respect you more if you’re not around as much, but you don’t have to win their approval. Take an assertive stance. Some guys like to see how far they can push your buttons. You didn’t join a fraternity when you started dating your boyfriend. You are not subject to an initiation process of his friends’ approval. I used to not get along with one of my husband’s friends, but I eventually won him over by not giving a d@mn. If you and your boyfriend are going to be serious about each other, then that (should) change. Your life together will become more and more about the two of you, and less and less about him and his friends. This may take some time to develop, but in a good relationship, a couple shares respect each other. You should be just as much into your own friends and hobbies as he is. If someone is being rude to you, that should be unacceptable to your boyfriend. Imagine if these guys were in his family! Say his brother was one of these rude friends; then they’d be even harder to avoid. Many people can’t stand their husbands families. Be glad you are not in that position. Thank goodness these are just guys who your boyfriend shares common interests with. That could always change (like life often does). Sure, he can keep his friends around in his back pocket, but you don’t have to be a part of it. If you sense that he answers to them, then that’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Keep your time with these people to a minimum. It’s really their insecurities causing them to treat you the way they do.
My boyfriend and I are very different, but we’re in love. He’s in finance, and I’m a student who waits tables. The problem is that I just don’t fit in with his friends at all. Any time I’m invited to hang out with them, I don’t enjoy myself. They are mainly successful business men, and I have nothing in common with any of them. They make me feel silly and unwanted. One of them is always rude. He will interrupt me when I talk like it's not important, or just plain ignore me. I feel he’s cocky and condescending, but my boyfriend gets along with him famously. My boyfriend says his friend is a “nice guy” and never wants to talk about it. Ugh!
-Awkward Girlfriend
Dear Awkward Girlfriend,
I think that differences can complement each other beautifully, and be healthy for a relationship. Social differences are OK too, as long as they’re respectful. It sounds like his friends have respect issues. This is the stuff that comedic movies are made of. If you’re struggling to fit into your boyfriends’ circle of arrogant friends, then I’d say to stop trying. You go to his social events out of respect for him. His friends come with the package, but you don’t have to put up with them if they're going to be jerks. You need friends of your own. If your boyfriend respects you, he should listen and care how his arrogant friends are making you feel… unless he wants to snuggle up to them at night. You can explain to him that they treat you differently than they treat him. You are not one of the guys. Some of his friends may be selfish and want him all to themselves. Friends, who have known each other for a long time, naturally regress when they get together. Sometimes they are territorial. This is immature, and they should get a life. Do they not have girlfriends of their own? They definitely make you appreciate your own friends, all the more. You are not obligated to mesh with them. Set some guidelines for yourself: make an appearance only when absolutely necessary, smile, wave, be polite and courteous... then roll your eyes and promptly down a glass of champagne. Just kidding! (I have used this tactic before) Whether it’s that they personally dislike you, or just don’t want girlfriends around, boys will be boys. Men on the other hand, take charge and make their lady feel special and like she is a priority. His friends may feel threatened by you because you are the new woman in his life. Well that’s too bad for them. A huge part of growing up is becoming independent. People who never break away from immature associations, don’t really grow. If you can’t be in his social circle without getting upset or offended, then don’t be. It’s that simple. Stop going. Let him have his guy time, while you do other things. Your world doesn’t evolve around him and it definitely doesn’t have to encompass jerks. You have better things to do than hang out with his cocky pals, especially if they act like they don’t want you there. Do you think you’re silly? Don’t let them belittle you or make you feel insignificant. You are special to your boyfriend, and that’s whose opinion matters. Imagine they are like coworkers you have to interact with, but not necessarily like. Be above the situation by letting it roll off your shoulders. If they are being rude or obnoxious, then feel free to give them back what they dish out, or suddenly have somewhere to be. Your boyfriend will get the point. Sometimes this is more effective than being direct, when your boyfriend is in denial that his friends are assholes. You may find they respect you more if you’re not around as much, but you don’t have to win their approval. Take an assertive stance. Some guys like to see how far they can push your buttons. You didn’t join a fraternity when you started dating your boyfriend. You are not subject to an initiation process of his friends’ approval. I used to not get along with one of my husband’s friends, but I eventually won him over by not giving a d@mn. If you and your boyfriend are going to be serious about each other, then that (should) change. Your life together will become more and more about the two of you, and less and less about him and his friends. This may take some time to develop, but in a good relationship, a couple shares respect each other. You should be just as much into your own friends and hobbies as he is. If someone is being rude to you, that should be unacceptable to your boyfriend. Imagine if these guys were in his family! Say his brother was one of these rude friends; then they’d be even harder to avoid. Many people can’t stand their husbands families. Be glad you are not in that position. Thank goodness these are just guys who your boyfriend shares common interests with. That could always change (like life often does). Sure, he can keep his friends around in his back pocket, but you don’t have to be a part of it. If you sense that he answers to them, then that’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Keep your time with these people to a minimum. It’s really their insecurities causing them to treat you the way they do.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
X-High School Lover
Dear Charlie,
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him
Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him
Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.
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