Dear Charlie,
I have the messiest boyfriend on Earth. Ironically, he’s a smart and well rounded guy who is established in the world of finance. Yet, he never picks up after himself. He grosses me out because he leaves wrappers and food on the counter tops all night. His clothes remain in a pile on the floor where he took them off, for days on end. I try to help him and tidy around the house, but it’s tiring to keep up with. The sink is piled full of dirty dishes every night. I don’t know what to do. I love the guy, but phew!
-The Maid Service
Dear Maid Service,
Your boyfriend sounds like a talented man, in the category of mess making at lightning speed. You may ask yourself why, if he has established himself financially, doesn’t he invest in a cleaning service? It’s amusing to watch a full grown, (handsome) man create mayhem like an adolescent. You might think of him as a Superhero with the capacity to dirty a mile high stack of dishes on a daily basis. Firstly, let’s try to see it his way. It’s plausible that your boyfriend just has other things on the forefront of his mind. Perhaps it’s not important to him to clean, like it is to you. People have different priorities. Some people actually feel most comfortable in messes. I have an artistic friend who claims she cannot function if everything in her space is in order. She needs a little chaos to feel inspired. It’s just her style. That being said, perhaps your boyfriend is comfortable in the havoc he creates. Just like messes bother some people, really orderly spaces make others feel uncomfortable. Look for a compromise regarding the difference between your cleaning habits, and you may find a happy medium. Don’t expect him to be you, but he can adjust himself in small ways to make you more comfortable. Who knows why he does it? There are many possible reasons. The most obvious would be to assume that his Mom cleaned up after him, so he never learned. That’s not necessarily the case though. She might be a very organized woman. Maybe he takes after someone he admired growing up. Or maybe he is too busy and distracted to have time to clean. Studies show that if a man is messy, he is probably not anal, which is a good thing. Chances are he doesn't ask you to clean up after him. He probably just isn't getting to the mess as quickly as you'd like him to. Maybe you are prone to compulsive tendencies (like me). The bottom line is that if you don't want to be cleaning up after him forever, you must break the cycle. A messy boyfriend can be transformed into a slightly more self sufficient one, with a little loving enforcement. Nobody is perfect and I’m sure there are things you do that annoy him too. If he is the financial bread-winner in the relationship, then perhaps you could afford to do more household chores. Besides, this relationship is a partnership. It’s not your job to clean up after him, unless you make it your job. We take on different roles in a relationship to create balance. There are women who will spend the rest of their life cleaning up after a man. It’s a full time job for some wives. That may work for them, but maybe you don’t want to be “that girl”. You are not married yet, so it’s best to establish your limits beforehand. This is part of getting to know someone (your mate). If you marry him without confronting an issue that bothers you, it sends the message that the issue is acceptable. Then if you decide to start changing him after you are married, he will assume you have become dissatisfied and changed. That’s not really fair. You must have realistic expectations and play fair. Talk to him. Focus on what you love about your boyfriend and everything he has to offer you. The relationship should be worth it, regardless of what comes along. His messiness is a simple preference variation between you. Just like you have personality preferences, this is one area where you differ. You may find it unbearable (understandably), but he’s entitled to be a person who likes messes. If it bothers you to the point where you can’t rest, then he must put forth some effort to make you more comfortable. Set some guidelines. Tell him you’re willing to help with the laundry but if it’s not in the hamper, it’s not happening. Tell him that trash goes in the garbage and not on the counter. You must be persistent and he will get it. You don’t want to sound like a nag, so be playful when you do this. He may not come out on the other side as an immaculate Mr. Clean, but I believe he will improve. Over time, you will find a flow that works for the two of you. You may even get somewhat used to his disarray. A man, who is a little messy, is really kind of cute. After all, he needs you.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Dealing with a Brat-Child
Dear Charlie,
My husband was married once before me and had a son. His son lives with his X-wife who is also remarried. We sometimes get his son on the weekends, but not regularly. I'm not a big fan of his X-wife, though we are cordial with each other and can civilly visit from time to time. The issue is that their son is a complete brat. He is so spoiled by everyone in the family. Everyone spoils him from his Grandmother, to his Aunts, and even his new Step-Father. My husband spoils him too. Whenever this kid is in our house, he is running the show and dictating our lives. It’s pathetic how my husband lets him boss us around. I feel like I should have a say in how we raise him as a couple in our household, but I’m not sure where to draw the line. This child has no discipline and gets whatever he wants. I can’t imagine how he will be when he is older.
-Cringing Step-Mother
Dear Cringing Step-Mother,
A rotten step child is a real doozie. It might make a drinker out of me. I am with you on this one. You're right, not only is this annoying, but it's also a problem. It’s painful to watch someone shower a greedy child with things because they will only learn to be ungrateful and demand more. When that someone is your husband, I would imagine it's even more irritating. Any quantity of attention or gifts to compensate for lack of love or being present in the child's life, seems like a poor parental tactic. It’s not that your husband doesn’t love his son; it’s that he is not very present in his life (as much as he might like to be). His harbored feelings of guilt drive him to want to overcompensate in unhealthy ways. He gives his son the driver’s seat and lets him call all the shots. Routines are very effective with children, so the child naturally accepts all he is given. Soon he is expecting it as a payment owed to him each time he returns, because your husband (and all parties involved) have made this a habit. Perhaps your husband feels that this is the only way he can win over his son’s affection. Ask him if it is working. It wouldn’t be surprising if after all his efforts; his child is still subject to tantrums, emotionally distance and ungratefulness. This is a dynamic that probably will get worse over time. It’s something that a lot of parents do after divorce. However, I feel that a passive attitude towards this behavior only condones it, and sends the message that it is acceptable. I think it’s completely reasonable that you stand your ground and voice that you do not support this behavior. He is not doing him any favors by placing an emphasis on material things or giving him the control over the household when he visits. He would be a more effective Father, even only on weekends, if he focused on strengthening their bond in productive ways by sharing quality time together. Parents should strive to teach their children to be humble and appreciate things. It’s not always easy, but you could help your husband resist his urge to indulge his son in every way. Children need love, and that comes in many forms. Children struggle with identity issues when their parents’ divorce. Children with divorced parents act out in different ways when they are coping with the loss of one or both parents. Our job as parents is to teach them, and guide them with consistency and boundaries. When they are guiding us, the process is backwards and over time they respect us less and less. I understand the difficult position you are in as a step parent and the only one not willing to carry on with it. You don’t want to be identified as the “wicked Step-Mother”. However, every child needs discipline and boundaries. It’s important to give children positive attention, but it’s also important to teach them that their ill behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise they can get away with murder. It is recommended by many child psychologists that encouragement should occur immediately. It is also recommended that punishments be brief but immediately following bad behavior. As soon as the child is naughty, they should be ignored (to show it is unacceptable) given immediate consequences. This takes patience but will result in improvement. It sounds like your Step-son has become addicted to doting attention that everyone is practicing. I think you would be wise, and set an excellent example in the long run, if you were to break the chain. You should really talk to your husband at length and explain this to him. Tell him it’s not helping their relationship or the growth of his son, and that you don’t approve of it in your house. You are a couple and need to do this together. Positive reinforcement is good, but to excess it is harmful. He is doing his son an injustice by providing with a dream world full of material things to live in. It’s not realistic. The people with the most character, experienced hardship and had to work for what they have. They understand the value of things and what it takes to earn them. Unconditional love is not paying for things or offering an endless supply of gifts. It is loving someone no matter what they do. Show him. Children are very receptive, and they learn quickly. In most cases, spoiling equals bratty behavior. The boy will not change or become a decent, intelligent, or compassionate person, until he is shown otherwise. Parents are responsible. You and your husband would change the boy's life by being good parents to him.
My husband was married once before me and had a son. His son lives with his X-wife who is also remarried. We sometimes get his son on the weekends, but not regularly. I'm not a big fan of his X-wife, though we are cordial with each other and can civilly visit from time to time. The issue is that their son is a complete brat. He is so spoiled by everyone in the family. Everyone spoils him from his Grandmother, to his Aunts, and even his new Step-Father. My husband spoils him too. Whenever this kid is in our house, he is running the show and dictating our lives. It’s pathetic how my husband lets him boss us around. I feel like I should have a say in how we raise him as a couple in our household, but I’m not sure where to draw the line. This child has no discipline and gets whatever he wants. I can’t imagine how he will be when he is older.
-Cringing Step-Mother
Dear Cringing Step-Mother,
A rotten step child is a real doozie. It might make a drinker out of me. I am with you on this one. You're right, not only is this annoying, but it's also a problem. It’s painful to watch someone shower a greedy child with things because they will only learn to be ungrateful and demand more. When that someone is your husband, I would imagine it's even more irritating. Any quantity of attention or gifts to compensate for lack of love or being present in the child's life, seems like a poor parental tactic. It’s not that your husband doesn’t love his son; it’s that he is not very present in his life (as much as he might like to be). His harbored feelings of guilt drive him to want to overcompensate in unhealthy ways. He gives his son the driver’s seat and lets him call all the shots. Routines are very effective with children, so the child naturally accepts all he is given. Soon he is expecting it as a payment owed to him each time he returns, because your husband (and all parties involved) have made this a habit. Perhaps your husband feels that this is the only way he can win over his son’s affection. Ask him if it is working. It wouldn’t be surprising if after all his efforts; his child is still subject to tantrums, emotionally distance and ungratefulness. This is a dynamic that probably will get worse over time. It’s something that a lot of parents do after divorce. However, I feel that a passive attitude towards this behavior only condones it, and sends the message that it is acceptable. I think it’s completely reasonable that you stand your ground and voice that you do not support this behavior. He is not doing him any favors by placing an emphasis on material things or giving him the control over the household when he visits. He would be a more effective Father, even only on weekends, if he focused on strengthening their bond in productive ways by sharing quality time together. Parents should strive to teach their children to be humble and appreciate things. It’s not always easy, but you could help your husband resist his urge to indulge his son in every way. Children need love, and that comes in many forms. Children struggle with identity issues when their parents’ divorce. Children with divorced parents act out in different ways when they are coping with the loss of one or both parents. Our job as parents is to teach them, and guide them with consistency and boundaries. When they are guiding us, the process is backwards and over time they respect us less and less. I understand the difficult position you are in as a step parent and the only one not willing to carry on with it. You don’t want to be identified as the “wicked Step-Mother”. However, every child needs discipline and boundaries. It’s important to give children positive attention, but it’s also important to teach them that their ill behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise they can get away with murder. It is recommended by many child psychologists that encouragement should occur immediately. It is also recommended that punishments be brief but immediately following bad behavior. As soon as the child is naughty, they should be ignored (to show it is unacceptable) given immediate consequences. This takes patience but will result in improvement. It sounds like your Step-son has become addicted to doting attention that everyone is practicing. I think you would be wise, and set an excellent example in the long run, if you were to break the chain. You should really talk to your husband at length and explain this to him. Tell him it’s not helping their relationship or the growth of his son, and that you don’t approve of it in your house. You are a couple and need to do this together. Positive reinforcement is good, but to excess it is harmful. He is doing his son an injustice by providing with a dream world full of material things to live in. It’s not realistic. The people with the most character, experienced hardship and had to work for what they have. They understand the value of things and what it takes to earn them. Unconditional love is not paying for things or offering an endless supply of gifts. It is loving someone no matter what they do. Show him. Children are very receptive, and they learn quickly. In most cases, spoiling equals bratty behavior. The boy will not change or become a decent, intelligent, or compassionate person, until he is shown otherwise. Parents are responsible. You and your husband would change the boy's life by being good parents to him.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Learning to Cook
Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. I’m very excited about the idea of spending my life with him, but I have some anxiety. I’m concerned that I won’t be able to satisfy him with what he needs. The reason is because I’m a terrible cook and he loves homemade food. His mom ruined it for me because she is an amazing cook. She cooked everything from scratch when he was a kid, and still does. Who has time for that? I don’t even know how to make chicken. It’s not something I enjoy either. I told my boyfriend that it’s just not me. I know he will not expect me to be the best, but I feel bad.
-Doomed in the Kitchen
Dear Doomed in the Kitchen,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m chuckling to myself because of how much I know this feeling. Let’s just say that “Cookistan” was a country I did not want to visit. Ha! When I met my husband, his mother was a royal nightmare. Not because she was hard to deal with or anything. Oh no, she was as sweet as pie and I had a great deal of admiration and respect for her. She was a nightmare because she was an astonishing chef! I felt the doom you feel in the worst way. She had a natural talent with food. She would make these really elaborate, exotic meals. She was concocting all kinds of crazy things, with spices I have never even heard of. Meanwhile, here I was trying to boil pasta without over cooking it. I thought “I will never be able to match this”. How did she do it?! Her culinary skills were so advanced, that I thought I might be better off forfeiting our relationship before I disgraced myself. I hated messing with food and I became a nervous wreck any time I stepped in the kitchen. I assure you that nothing was more intimidating to me than cooking. When you have minimal to no cooking skills, it’s overwhelming to experience the sophistication that other women have achieved. I had never been much use in the kitchen and my Mother’s dishes were very basic. Now I was an adult with no experience or know how, holding hands with a man with a refined palate. I wanted nothing to do with cooking. I had better things to do. It’s like you said: “who has time for that!?” Some women don’t cook throughout their whole marriage, and their husbands deal with it. That would be your choice. It’s hard to go domestic when you’re used to being career minded. However, I honestly feel that the old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” has some truth. Your boyfriend may not demand you to serve him daily, yet you feel the pressure because he’s used to good food. I have news for you: you are not doomed. In fact there is a lot of hope! I can tell you from experience that this is something you can hone over time. With consistency, trial and error, you too can become a decent home chef. The trick is to start small. I would often pick advanced recipes that were far beyond my capabilities. When they resulted in catastrophe, I wouldn't want to cook again for a month. Don't start with enchiladas or "baked basmati with currant stuffed trout", start with vegetables and rice! Don’t overwhelm yourself, or else you will become discouraged from trying again. It’s like anything else you do in life. There are many levels, but you can become more accomplished by starting small and working up. Your boyfriend’s mom wasn’t born with immaculate recipes programmed into her head. She had to learn it from somewhere. Imagine how proud your boyfriend would be of you, if he saw you putting in the effort? Explain to him that you have a lot of anxiety about cooking, but that you want to try. He will be grateful. If you want to nurture him and his happiness, it would be good for you to give it a try. Out of respect to the relationship, his childhood, and the love you share. I would watch the Food Network and make note of tips that looked easy to me. People on the Food Network really are helpful! I started to put things together. I ruined many, many dinners, but I kept on trying. I started to think positively about cooking. It’s ok to mess up, because you won’t mess up forever. Not if you try. I promise that if I can do it, ANYONE can. You may go through cycles. Sometimes you will hate it, or resent the time and effort you put into it if it’s a disaster. Other times you will enjoy it, think it's fun, or even love it when it’s a success. It’s very exciting when it starts to click. You become less nervous, and more anxious to create a tasty meal. Maybe the idea of spending time in the kitchen sweating over a 3 course meal, is not what you had in mind for your future? I’m not saying you should quit your job and stay home doing laundry and dishes too. It’s good to round yourself out. You don’t want to be all about one thing. You need balance. You can still be a career woman and make time to cook. The transition from girlfriend to wife is a maturity not just in your relationship, but also as a woman. When you are married, you become responsible for each other. Everything is shared, including meal planning. It’s something you could do together. It’s great when cooking is a shared responsibility. My husband is a wonderful cook (thanks to his mom). You don’t have to do it all single handed. Sometimes you may not have time, but once in a while would be a nice start. Maybe you can cook on the weekends at the beginning, and then advance into a couple times a week. Before you know it, you will be making dinner every other day. You have more potential than you think you do, you just don’t know where to start. The reason you dread it, is because it's new to you. It becomes enjoyable the more you learn. Pretty soon you’re cooking Boeuf Bourguignon! Let me know how it comes out because I’m not even that far along yet! It will also surprise you how many foods with an elegant appeal, are simple to make. Did you know beets are easy to boil? When presented on a plate, they add an interesting splash of color. Tilapia fillets are healthy and light. You throw them in a pan lightly oiled, and cook them for 6-7 minutes on each side. Salads sound boring, but can become very exciting with the addition of almond slices, broccoli, sun dried tomatoes, avocado, and shaved cheese. See? Presentation can be fun too! It’s such a creative art medium. They don’t call it the culinary ARTS for nothing. I believe in you, so don’t give up on yourself. It is a feat that you too can concur. Don’t be afraid, dare to venture into the mysterious world of food preparation and make it out alive.
My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. I’m very excited about the idea of spending my life with him, but I have some anxiety. I’m concerned that I won’t be able to satisfy him with what he needs. The reason is because I’m a terrible cook and he loves homemade food. His mom ruined it for me because she is an amazing cook. She cooked everything from scratch when he was a kid, and still does. Who has time for that? I don’t even know how to make chicken. It’s not something I enjoy either. I told my boyfriend that it’s just not me. I know he will not expect me to be the best, but I feel bad.
-Doomed in the Kitchen
Dear Doomed in the Kitchen,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m chuckling to myself because of how much I know this feeling. Let’s just say that “Cookistan” was a country I did not want to visit. Ha! When I met my husband, his mother was a royal nightmare. Not because she was hard to deal with or anything. Oh no, she was as sweet as pie and I had a great deal of admiration and respect for her. She was a nightmare because she was an astonishing chef! I felt the doom you feel in the worst way. She had a natural talent with food. She would make these really elaborate, exotic meals. She was concocting all kinds of crazy things, with spices I have never even heard of. Meanwhile, here I was trying to boil pasta without over cooking it. I thought “I will never be able to match this”. How did she do it?! Her culinary skills were so advanced, that I thought I might be better off forfeiting our relationship before I disgraced myself. I hated messing with food and I became a nervous wreck any time I stepped in the kitchen. I assure you that nothing was more intimidating to me than cooking. When you have minimal to no cooking skills, it’s overwhelming to experience the sophistication that other women have achieved. I had never been much use in the kitchen and my Mother’s dishes were very basic. Now I was an adult with no experience or know how, holding hands with a man with a refined palate. I wanted nothing to do with cooking. I had better things to do. It’s like you said: “who has time for that!?” Some women don’t cook throughout their whole marriage, and their husbands deal with it. That would be your choice. It’s hard to go domestic when you’re used to being career minded. However, I honestly feel that the old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” has some truth. Your boyfriend may not demand you to serve him daily, yet you feel the pressure because he’s used to good food. I have news for you: you are not doomed. In fact there is a lot of hope! I can tell you from experience that this is something you can hone over time. With consistency, trial and error, you too can become a decent home chef. The trick is to start small. I would often pick advanced recipes that were far beyond my capabilities. When they resulted in catastrophe, I wouldn't want to cook again for a month. Don't start with enchiladas or "baked basmati with currant stuffed trout", start with vegetables and rice! Don’t overwhelm yourself, or else you will become discouraged from trying again. It’s like anything else you do in life. There are many levels, but you can become more accomplished by starting small and working up. Your boyfriend’s mom wasn’t born with immaculate recipes programmed into her head. She had to learn it from somewhere. Imagine how proud your boyfriend would be of you, if he saw you putting in the effort? Explain to him that you have a lot of anxiety about cooking, but that you want to try. He will be grateful. If you want to nurture him and his happiness, it would be good for you to give it a try. Out of respect to the relationship, his childhood, and the love you share. I would watch the Food Network and make note of tips that looked easy to me. People on the Food Network really are helpful! I started to put things together. I ruined many, many dinners, but I kept on trying. I started to think positively about cooking. It’s ok to mess up, because you won’t mess up forever. Not if you try. I promise that if I can do it, ANYONE can. You may go through cycles. Sometimes you will hate it, or resent the time and effort you put into it if it’s a disaster. Other times you will enjoy it, think it's fun, or even love it when it’s a success. It’s very exciting when it starts to click. You become less nervous, and more anxious to create a tasty meal. Maybe the idea of spending time in the kitchen sweating over a 3 course meal, is not what you had in mind for your future? I’m not saying you should quit your job and stay home doing laundry and dishes too. It’s good to round yourself out. You don’t want to be all about one thing. You need balance. You can still be a career woman and make time to cook. The transition from girlfriend to wife is a maturity not just in your relationship, but also as a woman. When you are married, you become responsible for each other. Everything is shared, including meal planning. It’s something you could do together. It’s great when cooking is a shared responsibility. My husband is a wonderful cook (thanks to his mom). You don’t have to do it all single handed. Sometimes you may not have time, but once in a while would be a nice start. Maybe you can cook on the weekends at the beginning, and then advance into a couple times a week. Before you know it, you will be making dinner every other day. You have more potential than you think you do, you just don’t know where to start. The reason you dread it, is because it's new to you. It becomes enjoyable the more you learn. Pretty soon you’re cooking Boeuf Bourguignon! Let me know how it comes out because I’m not even that far along yet! It will also surprise you how many foods with an elegant appeal, are simple to make. Did you know beets are easy to boil? When presented on a plate, they add an interesting splash of color. Tilapia fillets are healthy and light. You throw them in a pan lightly oiled, and cook them for 6-7 minutes on each side. Salads sound boring, but can become very exciting with the addition of almond slices, broccoli, sun dried tomatoes, avocado, and shaved cheese. See? Presentation can be fun too! It’s such a creative art medium. They don’t call it the culinary ARTS for nothing. I believe in you, so don’t give up on yourself. It is a feat that you too can concur. Don’t be afraid, dare to venture into the mysterious world of food preparation and make it out alive.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Traveling Boyfriend
Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
"I'm in Love with my Friend"
Dear Charlie,
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love
Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love
Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )
Monday, May 17, 2010
Husband Flirts with Co-worker
Dear Charlie,
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Charlie is here!
I offer honest advice on friends, love, relationships, family, work, etc. I live in Manhattan and work in the media. I'm very social. I know "people". I articulate relationship dynamics in a way you may find helpful, comforting or entertaining. Reading about other people going through things we can relate to is therapeutic, so browse the archives when you're feeling blue. You are not alone. It's hard to see a situation clearly when we are deeply involved in it. Emotions can cloud perception. Human beings are hard wired to connect to each other so we learn greatly from observing (& needing) each other. Allow my perception to help you by writing to me about an issue you are dealing with that needs help. I will listen and take time to assess your situation. You will always remain anonymous so feel free to be honest. Honesty is healthy, and it's my policy. I will tell you A) what you want to hear B) what you were already thinking C) what you don't want to hear D) what you may be in denial about E) what you suspect or F) what you haven't considered or weren't aware of... write to:
DearCharliegirl@yahoo.com
and don't forget to pray on it too.
DearCharliegirl@yahoo.com
and don't forget to pray on it too.
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