Witnessing Shady Business

Dear Charlie,
I introduced my friend to a guy I work with and they have been dating for the past 3 months. I'm friends with the guy, but only through work. I don't know much about his personal life. My friend and I have been close for a long time. The other day, I saw him meet another girl outside of our building. They were in a very heated and passionate argument. From the looks of it, it seemed like they were romantically involved. I'm sure that my friend is unaware of whoever this girl is. Should I tell her or just stay out of it?

-Getting in the Middle

Dear Getting in the Middle,
You feel conflicted for obvious reasons. At the risk of becoming a snitch on your colleague, you feel a greater responsibility to protecting the heart of your friend. In this particular situation (friends with both of them), you are obligated to be honest with him yet protective of her. Loyalty to friends and partners is important, but that’s the whole point here. He is giving you reasons to believe that he is not loyal. Whatever he's got going on appears to be cause for concern. I feel that your obligation to be the eyes and ears of your girlfriend overrules. It's never safe to assume anything, but your eyes don't lie. Based on their body language, relationship dynamics were suggestive. The possibility exists that she could have been a sister upset about family matters, an old fling who just won’t go away, or a desperate homeless woman he has been helping. Most likely, she is exactly what you perceived her to be. Ask him about it. My guess is that you saw too much. You could approach him in a "not that it's any of my business but..." kind of way, and see what he has to say. Or you might tell him that you want to be a good friend to both of them; but that you feel she has the right to know if he's seeing someone else. Depending on how close you are with this guy, he may or may not confide in you, or divulge the truth. You must do the right thing. In this case, I feel that the right thing to do would be to tell your friend. Mention it casually as though you are not making assumptions. Let her decide what to do with the information you relayed to her. Besides, you are her friend. You want what’s best for her. Right? Real friends are there for each other; rooting for each others success. Naturally, if you witness someone in the act of betrayal against your friend, you should want to stand behind her. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be informed. Some people might believe you saw your coworker’s secret rendez vous for a reason. Some people might even say that your loyalty to your friend is being tested by a higher power. Spiritual views aside, you should be proudly loyal to your friend. You may decide that giving your colleague a heads up is a good idea. If you don't want to make him uncomfortable, there are ways to go about this gently. You don't have to corner him with interrogating questions; you can approach the situation with subtlety. Shoot him an email. Lay it on smooth and easy, maybe even with a twist of cutesy humor. "You're not messing around on my girl are you? Because I might have to hurt you hehehe…" If he doesn't have a sense of humor about it, then you might just say "Look, you're such a cool guy and I’m so happy my friend is dating you, but I'm just looking out for her...Does she need to be concerned about what I saw?" He may or may not acknowledge what has transpired, or even worse, he may be guilty and in denial. Remember, you don't know what's going on. You only know what you saw. If he gets defensive, tells you it's none of your business, or calls you a nark, then he is probably shady, immature and not to be trusted. Then you can go directly to your friend and tell her what you saw. If he is a decent and respectful guy, he may be good enough to come clean with you about the situation. If he says he will tell her on his own, make sure he does by following up. Do this by going to your friend in a suggestive kind of way, and probing her for any recent relationship stints. At that point, if she is oblivious, then he didn't tell her and it's on him because you confronted him. The cards were on the table. Confess to her what you saw and how you handled the situation. Explain that you gave him the chance to tell her but he didn’t take it. Hopefully he wasn’t planning on telling her after you have this conversation. Either way, you are in the middle because he put you there, either on purpose or by accident. Don't be ashamed of your friendships. Be publicly loyal to your friends. Let people know where you stand. Any reasonable person would understand what friendship and loyalty is all about. In fact, a reasonable person should expect loyalty in this case, because it goes with the territory. Definitely don't stay quiet. Not saying something breaks the code of friendship laws. By taking a passive stance in the matter, you keep your friend in the dark and make a fool of her. She would be very hurt to find out you saw something suspicious and didn’t report it. People who are straightforward have strong character. Go for it without hesitation. Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you prefer to live in fairyland with the help of a hollow "friend"?

Denial about Naughty Boyfriend

Dear Charlie,
My friend is going through a really messy break up right now and it's all she talks about. Her boyfriend cheated on her habitually and she is aware of it but she kept taking him back. He calls her psycho yet she is still obsessed with him. Even now after they have broken up, it doesn't seem like they have really broken up because she still talks to him on a daily basis. I can't sit and listen to her sob story anymore because I think she needs to move on. I care about her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Am I doing the right thing by listening?

-Enough Already

Dear Enough Already,
You are a sweet, sensitive and considerate friend to her feelings. Nonetheless, you would be an even better friend if you were brutally honest with her. This honesty may be what she needs to snap out of it. Tell her the truth. She may not want to hear it, but the reality is that this sham of a relationship she is clinging onto is unhealthy for everyone involved (including you). Going in circles with someone doesn’t lead anywhere productive. It’s similar to having an unhealthy addiction. She would do herself a great injustice by giving this guy more chances; after he has proven himself to be someone she cannot trust nor rely on. She may have unrealistic or naïve expectations and hopes about him changing. If she keeps taking him back, but the results are not going to change. Her denial about him is causing you irritation because she's not being honest with herself. "First time, shame on him. Second time....." It's painful for some young women, to realize that they must start over with someone new, if they want to find a healthy and mature relationship. Some women just have a really hard time coming to terms with reality. They can't let go of someone they love who has lied to their face. They don’t understand that the person didn’t share the same values that they did, despite what was said. Talk is just talk. The way a man behaves is more important. We can try to convince people that we are what we say we are, but we only are those things when we display them. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, but you also shouldn’t live in a realm of suspicion. People need to have a healthy balance in new relationships by being wisely cautious. Trust must be earned, not automatically given. Some women feel like a failure when they are cheated on, but it’s not their fault. This is a time for your friend to find herself apart from the guy who has been a big distraction to her. It might be helpful for her to hear from someone (you) that you know how hard it is to cut ties with someone you love deeply. Guys who women get involved with sometimes claim they care about things their woman cares about. It doesn't have the same value until they exercise it, or practice what they’re preaching. I would say that you are being extremely considerate to your friend to keep listening, hoping she will figure it out on her own. However, you don't have to take this stance. You are perfectly entitled to lay down the law with her. Maybe she is stuck in denial so badly because no one is being honest with her. You can avoid the topic (or even her) until she confronts you about your distant behavior. At that point you will have no choice other than to tell her the reality of the situation. I suggest that you explain it to her up front. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy. This guy has successfully made of fool of her repeatedly, so you are done with him as her boyfriend and ready for her to find happiness. You do not support this guy in her life, disrespecting her, and you want her to find peace with someone who is a better match. In fact, she should start getting ready to be right for someone else as soon as possible. There’s no time to waste. It’s really quite exciting, but she doesn’t see it that way because she is being manipulated. If she isolates herself during this, then she’s putting herself exactly where he wants her. She needs to get out and socialize; meet other people and find support. Help her. If she keeps taking him back or even talking to him, she gives him the chance to manipulate her (and hurt her) again. This is foolish. Men will mistreat women to a point where it's royally selfish and unfair, driving them over the edge, and causing them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. I had a friend who was habitually cheated and she said "it did something to me that I really don't like. I didn't recognize myself." Men will be ridiculously unfair, and then have the audacity to call their girlfriends "psycho" when they struggle to manage life with them. Um, excuse me, no! No. She is not a psycho. She is responding to your ridiculous behavior! Guys who push their girlfriends over the edge with lies and betrayal, are a disease to the women who keep them around. I wish for every girl in this situation (caught in a web of a bastard’s shadiness) to snap out of it and move on too. Empowerment! Tell your friend that you are here for her, and that she needs to do whatever it takes to rid herself of this guy and his poison. You will be happy to help her be done with him. You understand that she cares for him, but he is not good for her. If she does not get the message or refuses to move on, then you must enforce some disciplinary tough love on her. Tell her point blank where you stand on the matter, and that you will not talk to her about him. You will not be around her if she is going to bring him up or keep seeing him because it’s unhealthy and you don’t support it. If she knows what's good for her, she will make a proactive decision to better herself by getting away from that “psycho”. Nobody can live like that. Not even you as her friend. It’s insane.

A Choice to Abort

Dear Charlie,
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, right when I found out I was pregnant by him. He disappeared as soon as I gave him the news by voice mail. He will not answer nor return my calls, or even acknowledge my situation. I have decided to have an abortion. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not stable at all. I’m not willing to raise a child by myself. My family is treating me like I’m a screw up, and criticizing me for letting a loser get me pregnant. My sister won’t even talk to me. I know that when I get the abortion, they will hold it against me forever. This whole thing has been a nightmare, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in my situation.
-Screwed Up

Dear Screwed Up (like we all have),
It's probably better to be diplomatic on this topic (with all the ugly politics involved). However, should you want to get technical, there are PLENTY of people who would be proud to offer you their support (including doctors). Whether you’re pro-life or pro-choice, there are some basic principles here that apply to everyone. Isn’t this whole life thing about the choices we make? Isn’t it OUR choice? Doesn’t everyone make choices they regret, or do things they aren’t proud of at one point or another? That’s not a matter of belief, that’s common sense. Everyone comes from somewhere different, so how can there be a one-size-fits-all solution to anything? What happened to forgiveness? You know, in a perfect world everyone would have 2 parents and be set up for life, but in THIS world people exist on every level of stability. You never know who you’re talking to, where they’ve been, or what they’re facing. It’s neither safe nor fair to assume anything about anyone. What then, gives people the right to judge situations they have never been in!?! I find it interesting that a majority of people opposing abortion, come from families where both Mother and Father were present throughout their life. How convenient. Not everyone has the means to raise a child on their own. Granted that there are many options to consider with unplanned pregnancy. If you wanted to give your newborn up for adoption, more power to you, but it's ultimately YOUR CHOICE. A lot of women have insurmountable hardships. Those who live in sheltered realities, can’t always imagine the hardship of those who are struggling. Some people’s expectations of other people’s circumstances are completely unreasonable and irrational. You are making one of the hardest choices that women are faced with. I know that must be hard, and the isolation from your family is painful. As if that wasn’t tough enough, you can’t turn to them for support. Then add it to the list that your boyfriend turned out to be a negligent, womanizing joke who abandoned you. He wont even answer your call. Look, you may have made some mistakes, but don’t we all? You didn’t get in this situation by yourself, nor expect your partner to abandon you. This could happen to anyone who has premarital sex (which is the majority), you were just unlucky. Some people will take every opportunity to spout their anti-abortion beliefs. Ironically, most of the people beating their chests about this have never been in a position to have to make such a painful decision. Good for them. How convenient. It must be nice. It’s always interesting when people who feel entitled to protest, have no actual life experience. What makes them so sure they wouldn’t do the same thing, if they were in your shoes? Who are they to decide? They will never know because they will never be in your shoes, and that’s exactly the point. To err is human. For every anti-abortion activist, there’s a counterpart group of pro-choice advocates to match them. Some will insist that abortion is murderous, shocking, and inhuman. Take these harsh words and judgments with a grain of salt, because not everyone sees it that way. Tap into the thousands upon thousands of women who have been in your shoes, and know what it’s like. Women are sometimes so attached to their own personal plans for babies; they fail to see that not everyone feels like they do. Well you don’t need a permission slip to disagree with them. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. The financial and emotional support that it requires to raise a child has to come from somewhere. It’s a shame on your family for kicking you when you’re down, or turning their backs on you as you go through this traumatic event. You may never gain the respect, forgiveness, or understanding of your family. Hopefully their love for you will overcome. You should know that there are millions of others walking with you on the matter. If you go through with the abortion, be your own friend by standing behind your decision and forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is an internal choice. People place abortion on different levels of the mistake making hierarchy. I told my friend who also “screwed up”, that I would still be her friend no matter what mistakes she made, because I too, am "mistaking". We all are. You will be alright. The fact that you don’t pop a kid out without thinking is a responsible decision in my opinion.

Not Invited to Roommate's Wedding

Dear Charlie,
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited

Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.

Charlie is here!

I offer honest advice on friends, love, relationships, family, work, etc. I live in Manhattan and work in the media. I'm very social. I know "people". I articulate relationship dynamics in a way you may find helpful, comforting or entertaining. Reading about other people going through things we can relate to is therapeutic, so browse the archives when you're feeling blue. You are not alone. It's hard to see a situation clearly when we are deeply involved in it. Emotions can cloud perception. Human beings are hard wired to connect to each other so we learn greatly from observing (& needing) each other. Allow my perception to help you by writing to me about an issue you are dealing with that needs help. I will listen and take time to assess your situation. You will always remain anonymous so feel free to be honest. Honesty is healthy, and it's my policy. I will tell you A) what you want to hear B) what you were already thinking C) what you don't want to hear D) what you may be in denial about E) what you suspect or F) what you haven't considered or weren't aware of... write to:

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