Dear Charlie,
I met this guy through mutual friends. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I didn’t flirt nor expressed interest in this guy. He invited me to a concert that he said he was going to with some people, and he had an extra ticket. Since I really liked the band, I decided it would be fun to go and meet more people. When I got there, it was just him and I. He claimed that his friends were coming late and that our seats were not together. As the concert went on, he kept waving at whom he claimed were his friends, but we never actually met them or hung out with them there. I tried to be polite since he brought me there, but it felt more and more awkward throughout the night. Then he put his arm around me and it was very uncomfortable. I tried a little dance move to get his arm off of me without being too rude. I tried to be friendly and have fun without being flirtatious, but I think he thinks we’re dating now. How do I let him down easy?
-Tricked into Dating
Dear Tricked,
This is hysterical. While you may be partially responsible for giving him the wrong idea based on your definition of flirting (versus his) , the fact is that he lured you into an exclusive date night. That was sneaky of him! I would also put money on the possibility that he made that whole thing up about going with “some people”, and that they don’t actually exist. Since it’s not fair to assume anything, we have to stick to the facts here. The fact is that you don’t want to be his girlfriend. Whether or not you would like to remain friends with him, is entirely up to you. For now, you are clearly not interested in him romantically, and you don’t want him to get the wrong idea. He, on the other hand, is expressing interest in you (although his approach is indirect). Instead of asking you on a date, he used the allure of a group hangout to get you there. Then when he got you where he wanted you, he moved in for the kill. In turn you, surprised and unaware of how you got yourself into this situation, responded equally indirect by avoiding confrontation and trying to move away from him. Your little dance, I’m sure, was understood by him. He may be in denial yet his tactics seem somewhat relentless. He was determined to be alone with you, and he got his wish. I think the best thing to do here is to be straightforward. “Dancing” around the issue just gives leeway to more game playing. If it makes you too uncomfortable to tell him that you just want to be friends and nothing more, then you are free to avoid him at all cost. However, be warned that if you go this route and see him out at a party or something, you will find yourself feeling awkward once again. Do you still want to be friends with him? Do you think he can handle that? Do you think you can handle? These questions remain unanswered until answered by you. Asserting yourself will nip this puppy in the butt, and put an end to any further awkward or uncomfortable scenarios. You could level with him next time he calls, texts, or emails you. Face it by saying; “Look, I’m not looking for a romantic relationship right now. I’m just looking for friendship”. Tell him it’s nothing personal. You don’t owe him any further explanation than that, considering that what he did was a little ridiculous. I know it’s not easy for everyone to be so honest, but he was asking for it by putting you in this position. He took a risk by trying to pursue you, not knowing what the outcome would be. You should be flattered by his interest, but the truth is that you don’t really know this guy or what he is capable of. If you still want to be friends with him, then tell him that. From the sounds of it, he may or may not respect your wishes. If you explain that you only want to be friends, and he tries to get fresh again, tell him “no funny business”. If he continues to make a move on you after you have been firm about this, then you cannot be his friend because he doesn’t respect you. Sorry. If you try to be friends with him, good luck and hopefully he will respect your boundaries. If you get to a point where you are creped out by him and don’t want his friendship any more, then go your separate way. Don’t respond to his texts or calls. Be distant and curt if (or when) you run into him. At that point, he deserves what he gets. You sound like a real considerate and friendly kind of girl, who is sensitive to other people’s feelings. That is a very attractive quality. I don’t blame him for being interested in you! Who doesn’t want to hang with a girl who likes to have fun? Just learn how to establish boundaries. My guess is that if you don’t have a boyfriend right now, it probably won’t be long until you get one. By then, your boyfriend will be there to defend your honor. I understand the need to hang out and meet new people. We are creatures who thrive off of social networking. Be aware that what you consider to be “flirting” might be misinterpreted by someone else’s standards. Sometimes we don’t mean to get involved in ways that others intend to. A passive attitude only sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. It’s ok to put your foot down and establish boundaries, before the lines are blurred.
