Immaturity at Every Age

Dear Charlie,
I work with people who are a little younger than me. Despite the fact that I’m only a few years older than the majority of them, I feel ancient in comparison to their lifestyles. All they ever talk about is partying, getting drunk, and picking up guys or girls. It’s so immature to me. I’m just way past the phases they are going through. I want to be friendly with the people I work with, but I can’t help getting annoyed whenever they get together. I don’t want to seem like a snob, but I don’t want to be involved in their juvenile chat sessions either. What should I do?

-Feeling Older

Dear Feeling Older,
I think that when you’re in your twenties, it’s normal to find an equally blended mix of people who have it together and people who are still figuring it out. Maturity is about experiences, not age. There will always be people your age, older, or younger maturing at different paces. That’s just the way it is for every age group. Some people’s parents do everything for them and they never learn how to be responsible on their own. Some grown adults still party and act like college kids. Some people remarkably get it together very early in life, while others struggle and remain a mess throughout. Immaturity exists at every age. Dealing with irritating personality types is a challenge for everyone. The twenties are a strange and often times uncomfortable decade because it’s the time when everyone is finding themselves. You might meet someone who is 24, already married with two children and a house. On the flip side, you might meet someone 29, who is still single and partying. Depending on where you’re at in your life, how your relationships are going, what your family taught you about values, and what associations you put yourself in, everyone is on their own page. It’s all about experience. Young people in college tend to be egotistical, think they know everything, and that everyone values socializing like they do. It’s never safe to assume, but this is a young mentality that goes with the territory. That’s why colleges are so great because they confine all the young people together. Let the inexperienced hang out with the equally inexperienced. At the age when life is fresh and new, young people might think they have it all figured out, but nobody really does. There are plenty of stereotypes associated with certain age groups. A balding man in his forties is prone to mid life crisis spontaneity. A “creepy cat lady” might typically be a widowed woman with no children in her 60s. Two year olds are typically testy and prone to tantrums! A crass 20-something frat boy will typically boast about getting laid, boozing all night long, and hanging out with his “buddies”. A 20-something aspiring actress is typically naïve and desperate for attention, tries on friends like clothes, and talks a lot. While many of these stereotypes are right on the money, you can’t generalize an entire people. Everyone is own their own path. Some women in their 60s are in amazing shape, active in their communities, and highly social. Some men in their 40s are satisfied with life and raising stable families. Some two year olds are angels, some college guys don’t party at all, and some young aspiring actresses are incredibly inspirational. Not everyone keeps an open mind of the exceptions to every rule. Some people prefer to be judgmental. When it comes to colleagues, people should be more concerned with professionalism at work than recapping the highlights of last nights’ party. If you don’t have an outlet where you can be yourself, you will especially feel immaturity around you cramping your style. Your colleagues are testing your patience. When you’re at work, don’t get too comfortable. Focus on your work, yourself, the things you like to do, and the people you would like to do them with. Perhaps your colleagues also bug you because you hoped that by working with people your age, you would make friends. When your expectations were disappointed, you began feeling out of place. When you go to work, you are thrown into a circle of people you don’t mesh with. Though you may have it more together than they do, they are still people you must civilly engage with. Don’t hang out with them and DO avoid their dumb conversations. Remember, they are just people you work with. You do not have to get personally involved with them. Keep them at arm’s length, remain cordial, friendly, and even helpful, but don’t be afraid to voice yourself or be the only one who doesn’t party. “Elders” set a good example to bratty young people by being above the situation. People relate to those who are younger than them by remembering what it was like to be on their page. We need to respect our elders, but we also need to respect our youngers. When you interact with your colleagues, focus on the common grounds you have with them. Don’t hang out with them, or worry about being part of their group. Put on your “at work” attitude. You are your own person. Remember that people are individuals’ whether they want to be, realize it, or not. They are entitled to cling to their little clique party people, but you don’t have to be a part of it. That’s a good thing. You have better things to do, like finding people to talk to who you can level with. You need new associations. You don’t need an overabundance of interaction with people who get under your skin. It’s good to have balance. Having comrades to confide in outside of work would help you be able to brush them off more easily. You need to find people you can mesh with or else these people will continue to drive you nuts. Forget about them. Some of them might think of you as a goody-two-shoe, but that’s their problem. Their immature opinions don’t matter if they’re going to be obnoxious. You have no need for people like that. The people who matter are the ones who respect you, at every age. If something annoys you, show it. Stand your ground with confidence, knowing that you are further along in the process of life, and be glad you’re not in their shoes. Be proud that you’re not living your daily life in a constant state of drunken stupor. Be glad you have progressed from where they are. Be confident of whom you are and they may respect you for it. If not, who cares what they think of you? Be yourself. If you’re lucky, maybe someone equally annoyed by adolescent antics will soon get hired! Worst-case scenario; find a new job.

Rude Friends

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are very different, but we’re in love. He’s in finance, and I’m a student who waits tables. The problem is that I just don’t fit in with his friends at all. Any time I’m invited to hang out with them, I don’t enjoy myself. They are mainly successful business men, and I have nothing in common with any of them. They make me feel silly and unwanted. One of them is always rude. He will interrupt me when I talk like it's not important, or just plain ignore me. I feel he’s cocky and condescending, but my boyfriend gets along with him famously. My boyfriend says his friend is a “nice guy” and never wants to talk about it. Ugh!
-Awkward Girlfriend

Dear Awkward Girlfriend,
I think that differences can complement each other beautifully, and be healthy for a relationship. Social differences are OK too, as long as they’re respectful. It sounds like his friends have respect issues. This is the stuff that comedic movies are made of. If you’re struggling to fit into your boyfriends’ circle of arrogant friends, then I’d say to stop trying. You go to his social events out of respect for him. His friends come with the package, but you don’t have to put up with them if they're going to be jerks. You need friends of your own. If your boyfriend respects you, he should listen and care how his arrogant friends are making you feel… unless he wants to snuggle up to them at night. You can explain to him that they treat you differently than they treat him. You are not one of the guys. Some of his friends may be selfish and want him all to themselves. Friends, who have known each other for a long time, naturally regress when they get together. Sometimes they are territorial. This is immature, and they should get a life. Do they not have girlfriends of their own? They definitely make you appreciate your own friends, all the more. You are not obligated to mesh with them. Set some guidelines for yourself: make an appearance only when absolutely necessary, smile, wave, be polite and courteous... then roll your eyes and promptly down a glass of champagne. Just kidding! (I have used this tactic before) Whether it’s that they personally dislike you, or just don’t want girlfriends around, boys will be boys. Men on the other hand, take charge and make their lady feel special and like she is a priority. His friends may feel threatened by you because you are the new woman in his life. Well that’s too bad for them. A huge part of growing up is becoming independent. People who never break away from immature associations, don’t really grow. If you can’t be in his social circle without getting upset or offended, then don’t be. It’s that simple. Stop going. Let him have his guy time, while you do other things. Your world doesn’t evolve around him and it definitely doesn’t have to encompass jerks. You have better things to do than hang out with his cocky pals, especially if they act like they don’t want you there. Do you think you’re silly? Don’t let them belittle you or make you feel insignificant. You are special to your boyfriend, and that’s whose opinion matters. Imagine they are like coworkers you have to interact with, but not necessarily like. Be above the situation by letting it roll off your shoulders. If they are being rude or obnoxious, then feel free to give them back what they dish out, or suddenly have somewhere to be. Your boyfriend will get the point. Sometimes this is more effective than being direct, when your boyfriend is in denial that his friends are assholes. You may find they respect you more if you’re not around as much, but you don’t have to win their approval. Take an assertive stance. Some guys like to see how far they can push your buttons. You didn’t join a fraternity when you started dating your boyfriend. You are not subject to an initiation process of his friends’ approval. I used to not get along with one of my husband’s friends, but I eventually won him over by not giving a d@mn. If you and your boyfriend are going to be serious about each other, then that (should) change. Your life together will become more and more about the two of you, and less and less about him and his friends. This may take some time to develop, but in a good relationship, a couple shares respect each other. You should be just as much into your own friends and hobbies as he is. If someone is being rude to you, that should be unacceptable to your boyfriend. Imagine if these guys were in his family! Say his brother was one of these rude friends; then they’d be even harder to avoid. Many people can’t stand their husbands families. Be glad you are not in that position. Thank goodness these are just guys who your boyfriend shares common interests with. That could always change (like life often does). Sure, he can keep his friends around in his back pocket, but you don’t have to be a part of it. If you sense that he answers to them, then that’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Keep your time with these people to a minimum. It’s really their insecurities causing them to treat you the way they do.