Dear Charlie,
My best friend and I used to do everything together. We've been friends for 6 years. We used to exercise, have sleepovers, lunch dates, and I'd stay at her place when she went away. Then I met someone special and moved to another state to be with him. That’s when my best friend and I became phone buddies. It's been over a year now and my boyfriend and I are great, but my friend has stopped answering my calls. It’s like we’re not friends any more. Call me crazy, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a relationship and she’s not?!? Or if she just feels like it’s a waste of time. I’m trying to maintain our friendship but don't understand.
-Friendless
Dear Friendless,
Refer to the expression “out of sight, out of mind”, which I feel applies to your situation. Some people are impossible to keep in touch with unless you are in front of them on a daily basis. People can be surprising with how easily they fall off the face of the planet. It’s also effortless to get caught up with your own life and lose track of time or people you were once inseparable with. Life is always changing. Today we have so many options at our finger tips that make it very easy for us to stay connected. When someone you were close to don’t utilize those tools, you naturally feel hurt. What excuse do they have? I would hope that if I moved away, my friends would take advantage of options like Skype to stay in touch. If they didn’t, I would feel forgotten too. However, granted that you are in a relationship and your friend is not, I would say you have lost some common ground. You have changed. You used to be single and had a lot of time to commit to this friendship. Over time, you met someone who took priority over your friend that essentially led to your relocation, and now you are nothing more than a voice over the phone. To make matters worse, you are in a good relationship which your friend cannot currently relate to, so when you talk, it’s about that. Even if she has been in relationships before, the fact that she is not in one currently would make it hard for her to relate to you. You are on different pages. It’s possible that your friend felt abandoned by you, or became depressed after you moved away. I would say that loss affected her negatively whether she acknowledged it or not. She may be happy for you, but simply not on the same page as you anymore. It’s up to you to keep this relationship going, because it seems she has moved on. Try sending her a transcendent card, and reminding her how much you miss her and how special of a friend she really is to you. If you reach out and open the lines of communication, she will not forget you. Then one day she may realize that your friendship went deeper than just having a fun time. You have to make the effort though and try to focus on things you have in common. Keep an open mind. People stick with associations they relate to. Married couples are often friends with other married couples. It’s also important to have balance in your life, so make sure you’re not devoting everything you’ve got solely to your boyfriend. That can really sabotage a friendship. Long distance friendships are an impossible adjustment for some people to make, when they are used to regular visits. You once fulfilled a need that you no longer do. Women bond easily and it’s easy to replace friendships with food, hobbies, work, or even other friends. If you do not want to lose this friendship, then don’t give up. It’s also not likely she will stay single forever, so when she does meet someone, she may feel like she can suddenly connect with you again. Patience. Life is always shifting. She will come around again.
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Traveling Boyfriend
Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Boyfriend is Friends with his X
Dear Charlie,
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
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