Dear Charlie,
My best friend and I used to do everything together. We've been friends for 6 years. We used to exercise, have sleepovers, lunch dates, and I'd stay at her place when she went away. Then I met someone special and moved to another state to be with him. That’s when my best friend and I became phone buddies. It's been over a year now and my boyfriend and I are great, but my friend has stopped answering my calls. It’s like we’re not friends any more. Call me crazy, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a relationship and she’s not?!? Or if she just feels like it’s a waste of time. I’m trying to maintain our friendship but don't understand.
-Friendless
Dear Friendless,
Refer to the expression “out of sight, out of mind”, which I feel applies to your situation. Some people are impossible to keep in touch with unless you are in front of them on a daily basis. People can be surprising with how easily they fall off the face of the planet. It’s also effortless to get caught up with your own life and lose track of time or people you were once inseparable with. Life is always changing. Today we have so many options at our finger tips that make it very easy for us to stay connected. When someone you were close to don’t utilize those tools, you naturally feel hurt. What excuse do they have? I would hope that if I moved away, my friends would take advantage of options like Skype to stay in touch. If they didn’t, I would feel forgotten too. However, granted that you are in a relationship and your friend is not, I would say you have lost some common ground. You have changed. You used to be single and had a lot of time to commit to this friendship. Over time, you met someone who took priority over your friend that essentially led to your relocation, and now you are nothing more than a voice over the phone. To make matters worse, you are in a good relationship which your friend cannot currently relate to, so when you talk, it’s about that. Even if she has been in relationships before, the fact that she is not in one currently would make it hard for her to relate to you. You are on different pages. It’s possible that your friend felt abandoned by you, or became depressed after you moved away. I would say that loss affected her negatively whether she acknowledged it or not. She may be happy for you, but simply not on the same page as you anymore. It’s up to you to keep this relationship going, because it seems she has moved on. Try sending her a transcendent card, and reminding her how much you miss her and how special of a friend she really is to you. If you reach out and open the lines of communication, she will not forget you. Then one day she may realize that your friendship went deeper than just having a fun time. You have to make the effort though and try to focus on things you have in common. Keep an open mind. People stick with associations they relate to. Married couples are often friends with other married couples. It’s also important to have balance in your life, so make sure you’re not devoting everything you’ve got solely to your boyfriend. That can really sabotage a friendship. Long distance friendships are an impossible adjustment for some people to make, when they are used to regular visits. You once fulfilled a need that you no longer do. Women bond easily and it’s easy to replace friendships with food, hobbies, work, or even other friends. If you do not want to lose this friendship, then don’t give up. It’s also not likely she will stay single forever, so when she does meet someone, she may feel like she can suddenly connect with you again. Patience. Life is always shifting. She will come around again.
Showing posts with label moving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving. Show all posts
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Moving to NYC
Dear Charlie,
I want to move to NYC but I haven’t found an apartment. I don’t mind having a roommate if I have to, but I don’t know of anyone there. Everyone always tells me how it’s expensive, so I’m preparing to pay but I don’t know where to start. Please help!
-Dreaming of NYC
Dear Dreaming of NYC,
What a lovely dream to have. However, I sigh at the memory of what many of my friends and I have gone through. Apartment hunting in NYC is a hefty undertaking, resulting in paying a hefty price. Websites will direct you to other websites, where you can find listings for tenant seekers, but all of them are a mystery. Agencies will charge you outrageous fees. Craigslist is becoming notorious for its large volume of freaks, creeps, and perverts. Alert the media if you find someone legitimate on there. What resources do we have any more? Beyond Facebook or a good old fashioned referral by a friend, you are best to “network” on foot and personally find something that works for you. This will be time consuming though. You must grasp that New York is sophisticated in every way possible, on a whole new level than what you may be used to. Even the insanity of New York is sophisticated. You have to be careful. The truth is that everything is done very quickly here. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “in a New York minute”, it’s not just a cute bluff. If/when you do find something, they will most likely ask you when you can move in, meaning that week. Most people are looking for someone immediately, who will pay up front. There are 25 people in line behind you ready to take your place. Some tenants will conduct a group interview and then select a few final candidates to choose from. They will insist they don't discriminate, but of course their decisions are bias based on personal compatibility. It’s like finding a job. If you can afford the luxury of living alone in Manhattan then that would probably mean you are somewhat well off. On average, a small studio apartment in a sketchy neighborhood in Manhattan (Washington Heights, Harlem, Inwood) runs at about $1000 per month. If you want a small studio in a decent neighborhood in Manhattan (Upper West Side, Upper East Side, Lower East Side), you’re looking at $1200 starting price, and that’s a deal! Now if you want to be fancy (Gramercy, Midtown, Soho, East Village, Chelsea, Tribeca, Greenwich Village), we’re talking about maybe $3000 per month and that's still a small studio. Fuggetaboutit. People talk about it because it truly is one of the most hyper expensive cities in the world. It seems like everybody wants to live here at one point or another. Think of it in terms of a population demographic alone. In 2008 the top cities were: NYC- 8,363,710, Los Angeles- 3,833,995, Chicago- 2,853,114 Houston- 2,242,193 and Phoenix- 1,567,924. Those have obviously grown over the past couple years, but as you can see there is no comparison. NYC is BY FAR the most densely populated city in the country. More people; more EVERYTHING. Not to mention that you will pay out the roof for a VERY SMALL space. People feel this is a compromise worth making in return for living in one of the greatest cities of all, with the world at your finger tips. It’s very ambitious to try and settle your roots here, without having any connections. However, most people here are from somewhere else. People do it, so it’s not impossible granted your will is strong. There are plenty of native New Yorkers scattered throughout the island, but many have set up shop in the outskirts of Manhattan. People do really well in Brooklyn and some parts of Queens, but certain neighborhoods can be just as pricey as Manhattan. Williamsburg & Park Slope, Brooklyn as well as Astoria or Sunnyside, Queens are popular picks for new comers. They are younger and more hip neighborhoods. You may have to move around a bit before you get situated. I don’t know what your plans for coming here are, but granted you plan to work; it would help if you had something lined up first. Find an organization to be a part of, like an improve troupe or cast (if you are in the arts). Otherwise, try to find a job of some sort beforehand. That way you might get direction from your future colleagues or cast mates. Be prepared to stress about money in ways you never did before, unless money is not an issue for you (which isn't for some New Yorkers). This is all part of the hard, cold, yet beautiful realities of our truly marvelous metropolis. New York is a living multicultural epicenter of the universe. You know what they say; it’s the city of dreams waiting to spit you out, or swallow you whole. You just have to find what works for you. I know people who came here on money they didn’t have and sold Broadway tickets in the streets to support themselves until they got settled. I also know people who practically had a loft apartment on Park Avenue handed to them on a silver platter fresh out of College. There are a lot resources here, and money, but there are also a lot of homeless people. It’s the extreme of everything. You have to play your cards right and be wise about it. The competition is stiff and if you like to compete you might come out on top, but there is an element of luck too. If you really want to be prepared, I would say to come and spend a sufficient amount of time here first. You can find a sublet or a hostel that allows you to pay by the week for your visit. This way you can explore, meet people, get comfortable, find work, etc. Every neighborhood has its own charm. You may feel the pressure of rushing this when you arrive, but try not to let it consume you. Everyone is on a mission. Establishing a new life in the Big Apple is not easily explained in one of my ranting paragraphs. I wish you luck. Don’t forget to breathe when you are your neck deep in the chaos. If you can make it here…
I want to move to NYC but I haven’t found an apartment. I don’t mind having a roommate if I have to, but I don’t know of anyone there. Everyone always tells me how it’s expensive, so I’m preparing to pay but I don’t know where to start. Please help!
-Dreaming of NYC
Dear Dreaming of NYC,
What a lovely dream to have. However, I sigh at the memory of what many of my friends and I have gone through. Apartment hunting in NYC is a hefty undertaking, resulting in paying a hefty price. Websites will direct you to other websites, where you can find listings for tenant seekers, but all of them are a mystery. Agencies will charge you outrageous fees. Craigslist is becoming notorious for its large volume of freaks, creeps, and perverts. Alert the media if you find someone legitimate on there. What resources do we have any more? Beyond Facebook or a good old fashioned referral by a friend, you are best to “network” on foot and personally find something that works for you. This will be time consuming though. You must grasp that New York is sophisticated in every way possible, on a whole new level than what you may be used to. Even the insanity of New York is sophisticated. You have to be careful. The truth is that everything is done very quickly here. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “in a New York minute”, it’s not just a cute bluff. If/when you do find something, they will most likely ask you when you can move in, meaning that week. Most people are looking for someone immediately, who will pay up front. There are 25 people in line behind you ready to take your place. Some tenants will conduct a group interview and then select a few final candidates to choose from. They will insist they don't discriminate, but of course their decisions are bias based on personal compatibility. It’s like finding a job. If you can afford the luxury of living alone in Manhattan then that would probably mean you are somewhat well off. On average, a small studio apartment in a sketchy neighborhood in Manhattan (Washington Heights, Harlem, Inwood) runs at about $1000 per month. If you want a small studio in a decent neighborhood in Manhattan (Upper West Side, Upper East Side, Lower East Side), you’re looking at $1200 starting price, and that’s a deal! Now if you want to be fancy (Gramercy, Midtown, Soho, East Village, Chelsea, Tribeca, Greenwich Village), we’re talking about maybe $3000 per month and that's still a small studio. Fuggetaboutit. People talk about it because it truly is one of the most hyper expensive cities in the world. It seems like everybody wants to live here at one point or another. Think of it in terms of a population demographic alone. In 2008 the top cities were: NYC- 8,363,710, Los Angeles- 3,833,995, Chicago- 2,853,114 Houston- 2,242,193 and Phoenix- 1,567,924. Those have obviously grown over the past couple years, but as you can see there is no comparison. NYC is BY FAR the most densely populated city in the country. More people; more EVERYTHING. Not to mention that you will pay out the roof for a VERY SMALL space. People feel this is a compromise worth making in return for living in one of the greatest cities of all, with the world at your finger tips. It’s very ambitious to try and settle your roots here, without having any connections. However, most people here are from somewhere else. People do it, so it’s not impossible granted your will is strong. There are plenty of native New Yorkers scattered throughout the island, but many have set up shop in the outskirts of Manhattan. People do really well in Brooklyn and some parts of Queens, but certain neighborhoods can be just as pricey as Manhattan. Williamsburg & Park Slope, Brooklyn as well as Astoria or Sunnyside, Queens are popular picks for new comers. They are younger and more hip neighborhoods. You may have to move around a bit before you get situated. I don’t know what your plans for coming here are, but granted you plan to work; it would help if you had something lined up first. Find an organization to be a part of, like an improve troupe or cast (if you are in the arts). Otherwise, try to find a job of some sort beforehand. That way you might get direction from your future colleagues or cast mates. Be prepared to stress about money in ways you never did before, unless money is not an issue for you (which isn't for some New Yorkers). This is all part of the hard, cold, yet beautiful realities of our truly marvelous metropolis. New York is a living multicultural epicenter of the universe. You know what they say; it’s the city of dreams waiting to spit you out, or swallow you whole. You just have to find what works for you. I know people who came here on money they didn’t have and sold Broadway tickets in the streets to support themselves until they got settled. I also know people who practically had a loft apartment on Park Avenue handed to them on a silver platter fresh out of College. There are a lot resources here, and money, but there are also a lot of homeless people. It’s the extreme of everything. You have to play your cards right and be wise about it. The competition is stiff and if you like to compete you might come out on top, but there is an element of luck too. If you really want to be prepared, I would say to come and spend a sufficient amount of time here first. You can find a sublet or a hostel that allows you to pay by the week for your visit. This way you can explore, meet people, get comfortable, find work, etc. Every neighborhood has its own charm. You may feel the pressure of rushing this when you arrive, but try not to let it consume you. Everyone is on a mission. Establishing a new life in the Big Apple is not easily explained in one of my ranting paragraphs. I wish you luck. Don’t forget to breathe when you are your neck deep in the chaos. If you can make it here…
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Noisy Neighbor
Dear Charlie,
I just moved into a new apartment. I really like it here. I have not lived in an apartment as nice and big as this before. I chose this location because it’s quiet. I’m from the suburbs and am used to quiet nights, but I wanted to experience city life. I have just discovered that my neighbor across the hall likes to keep late hours. This means she blasts her music and it goes on til the wee hours of the morning. I am so annoyed because I find it rude. I don’t know how to handle this problem without making things weird between me and her, when I haven’t even introduced myself yet. How should I approach this?
-Noisy Nights
Dear Noisy Nights,
Ah the good old selfish prick neighbor. Welcome to city life. This is a classic case of which most people can relate. There is strength in numbers here but it’s best to shop all your options. I’d say if you’re down right dirty, feel free to call the cops on her without warning and laugh as she gets busted. However, if you live in a really big city, they may not ever show up because they have way more serious priorities to tend to over a mere noise complaint. This tactic could also backfire on you regarding how many neighbors you have, because she may figure out who is responsible for ratting her out. You don't want this to turn into an ongoing vengeful battle reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men. Who knows who you are dealing with?! She could have a substance abuse problem for all you know, which isn't entirely unlikely. If you live in a big building, who cares if you have to tell her to shutup because you have to sleep, and that may be more important to you than making friends or seeking neighborly approval, which she can obviously relate to. Sometimes it’s best to nip this one in the butt. If you live in a smaller building, that could make things uncomfortable, but you may not run into her often and you don't owe her anything just because you live nearby. Look, she's not being "nice" by worrying about your feelings, so why should you waste your time worrying about hers? Don’t be afraid to confront her head-on, because if you don't take action, you're the one who is going to suffer. Meanwhile she is having a grand old time at your expense, doing whatever it is she can't refrain from doing during hours when most human beings function. Everyone likes to cut loose once in a while, but people who cling to it on a nightly basis tend to be unbalanced individuals. You don’t have time for this and she should know better. She might pretend she didn't realize how loud it was, and play the victim, but that's when you will know the extent of her character. Use it to your advantage. Like I said, you never know who you are dealing with. In an extreme case, she could end up being completely disrespectful and slam the door on your face, in which case, you will adjust your decision. But... she could just be a fun girl who often makes foolish mistakes (like the rest of us), in which case, you just made a new friend. Keep in mind that you are not obligated to be friends just because you inhabit the same building and this is ultimately an invasion of your privacy. Maybe you could rally with the others and share your frustration, and collectively assert her on the matter in some way. A letter in the lobby? Under her door? On her mailbox? Or a group visit! Ha! You do not have to get involved with her just because you complained about her noisiness. You may want to put in a call to your landlord but who knows how much they will care either. In NYC, the apartment vacancy turn-over rate is so high, most people keep to themselves and don’t even bother to get involved with neighbors unless they are really grounded and settled. Many people avoid neighboring inhabitants. If you don’t mind being assertive, go to her damn door, knock on it in your pajamas (making sure to look extra frazzled and disrupted) so she can clearly see you are trying to sleep, and ask her politely to turn it down. If you play the sympathy card, she may respond positively; "I always wished I was cool enough to be a nocturnal person, but it's not for me". If this is not a continuous habit of hers however, and only seems to occur on weekends, then maybe you can invest in some comfortable ear plugs and accept the fact that big cities are noisy and you have no control over it. If you’re feeling a little saucy, I might be tempted to write a note on her door asking her to let you know when she plans to actually sleep or have “quiet time” so that you can make sure to blast your music then. You might want to mention that you go to a Club when you want to feel the gyration of music, not to your home. However, if you are a courteous person who prefers more reasonable and tasteful tactics, you might want to simply tell her via note (since you never know when you’re going to run into this person), that you would appreciate her keeping her music down because your job requires you to be an early riser. A reasonable person will understand, be willing to work with you, and adjust themselves. If she ignores your efforts to "make nice", then you can't work with her and refer to nastier options above... or just tell that b*tch to check herself! Just kidding. Don't jump to conclusions though if you don't get a response. If you're lucky, she might just feel stupid. It would be ideal if we could all cohabit Earth peacefully, but that's not reality. Not every living situation is ideal but just be grateful you don’t have her as a roommate. It could always be a lot worse. Reading up on other people's roommate horror stories can be comforting too. There are plenty out there. Delight in the fact that once you shut your door, your space is yours and yours alone. That’s a luxury many people can’t even afford so you might want to focus on that. Either way, whatever you decide to do, it's probably just to make yourself feel better because a person who bumps their music late night like that, is usually aware of it and just being selfish or cocky. Good luck and don’t forget that two can play that game...
I just moved into a new apartment. I really like it here. I have not lived in an apartment as nice and big as this before. I chose this location because it’s quiet. I’m from the suburbs and am used to quiet nights, but I wanted to experience city life. I have just discovered that my neighbor across the hall likes to keep late hours. This means she blasts her music and it goes on til the wee hours of the morning. I am so annoyed because I find it rude. I don’t know how to handle this problem without making things weird between me and her, when I haven’t even introduced myself yet. How should I approach this?
-Noisy Nights
Dear Noisy Nights,
Ah the good old selfish prick neighbor. Welcome to city life. This is a classic case of which most people can relate. There is strength in numbers here but it’s best to shop all your options. I’d say if you’re down right dirty, feel free to call the cops on her without warning and laugh as she gets busted. However, if you live in a really big city, they may not ever show up because they have way more serious priorities to tend to over a mere noise complaint. This tactic could also backfire on you regarding how many neighbors you have, because she may figure out who is responsible for ratting her out. You don't want this to turn into an ongoing vengeful battle reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men. Who knows who you are dealing with?! She could have a substance abuse problem for all you know, which isn't entirely unlikely. If you live in a big building, who cares if you have to tell her to shutup because you have to sleep, and that may be more important to you than making friends or seeking neighborly approval, which she can obviously relate to. Sometimes it’s best to nip this one in the butt. If you live in a smaller building, that could make things uncomfortable, but you may not run into her often and you don't owe her anything just because you live nearby. Look, she's not being "nice" by worrying about your feelings, so why should you waste your time worrying about hers? Don’t be afraid to confront her head-on, because if you don't take action, you're the one who is going to suffer. Meanwhile she is having a grand old time at your expense, doing whatever it is she can't refrain from doing during hours when most human beings function. Everyone likes to cut loose once in a while, but people who cling to it on a nightly basis tend to be unbalanced individuals. You don’t have time for this and she should know better. She might pretend she didn't realize how loud it was, and play the victim, but that's when you will know the extent of her character. Use it to your advantage. Like I said, you never know who you are dealing with. In an extreme case, she could end up being completely disrespectful and slam the door on your face, in which case, you will adjust your decision. But... she could just be a fun girl who often makes foolish mistakes (like the rest of us), in which case, you just made a new friend. Keep in mind that you are not obligated to be friends just because you inhabit the same building and this is ultimately an invasion of your privacy. Maybe you could rally with the others and share your frustration, and collectively assert her on the matter in some way. A letter in the lobby? Under her door? On her mailbox? Or a group visit! Ha! You do not have to get involved with her just because you complained about her noisiness. You may want to put in a call to your landlord but who knows how much they will care either. In NYC, the apartment vacancy turn-over rate is so high, most people keep to themselves and don’t even bother to get involved with neighbors unless they are really grounded and settled. Many people avoid neighboring inhabitants. If you don’t mind being assertive, go to her damn door, knock on it in your pajamas (making sure to look extra frazzled and disrupted) so she can clearly see you are trying to sleep, and ask her politely to turn it down. If you play the sympathy card, she may respond positively; "I always wished I was cool enough to be a nocturnal person, but it's not for me". If this is not a continuous habit of hers however, and only seems to occur on weekends, then maybe you can invest in some comfortable ear plugs and accept the fact that big cities are noisy and you have no control over it. If you’re feeling a little saucy, I might be tempted to write a note on her door asking her to let you know when she plans to actually sleep or have “quiet time” so that you can make sure to blast your music then. You might want to mention that you go to a Club when you want to feel the gyration of music, not to your home. However, if you are a courteous person who prefers more reasonable and tasteful tactics, you might want to simply tell her via note (since you never know when you’re going to run into this person), that you would appreciate her keeping her music down because your job requires you to be an early riser. A reasonable person will understand, be willing to work with you, and adjust themselves. If she ignores your efforts to "make nice", then you can't work with her and refer to nastier options above... or just tell that b*tch to check herself! Just kidding. Don't jump to conclusions though if you don't get a response. If you're lucky, she might just feel stupid. It would be ideal if we could all cohabit Earth peacefully, but that's not reality. Not every living situation is ideal but just be grateful you don’t have her as a roommate. It could always be a lot worse. Reading up on other people's roommate horror stories can be comforting too. There are plenty out there. Delight in the fact that once you shut your door, your space is yours and yours alone. That’s a luxury many people can’t even afford so you might want to focus on that. Either way, whatever you decide to do, it's probably just to make yourself feel better because a person who bumps their music late night like that, is usually aware of it and just being selfish or cocky. Good luck and don’t forget that two can play that game...
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