Dear Charlie,
I recently overheard some friends of mine talking about me. They didn’t know I could hear them, and what they said was very hurtful. They were making fun of me. They called me “spacey” and said I had bad taste in clothes. I had no idea they felt that way about me, and now that I know, I’m not sure they were ever my friends. I have always been sort of an introvert who dresses casually. I’m not going to be friends with people who feel this way about me. How do I tell them that I overheard them and that it really hurt? I don’t think we can be friends any more.
-Wall with Ears
Dear Wall with Ears,
How to explain to your so called “friends” that you’ve had a change of heart, after listening to them talk about you behind your back? I believe they dug their own graves here. Their irresponsible chattering has done them in and it is exactly as you say; they are not your friends at all. They are phony. People, who delight in ganging up on others, or only find a means to connect with people via a shared derogatory opinion of mutual “friends”, are negative and toxic. Life is too short for the presence of these kinds of people. Their behavior was rude, disgraceful, phony, disrespectful, and just plain tacky. Their judgment of you was hurtful, but what’s even worse is that they proved themselves to be backstabbers, which is a hideous characteristic to possess. Furthermore, the bad habit of irresponsible gossiping is contagious to those who are influenced by other people’s opinions. You don’t do that, and won’t associate with people who do. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders to me. You really don’t need to explain anything to your “friends”, because friends they are not! You’re free to go about your business (and life) without any explanation owed to them. If they approach you in some way, or insist on remaining “friends”, and you want to give them a reason (as to why you don’t comply), then do. Simply tell them that you don’t consider people who think of you as “spacey” or having bad taste, to be friends. Furthermore, you may go on to say that you heard them talking about you and that it was an eye opener. Explain that they showed you their true colors, and that they don’t match yours. Since they already think you have bad taste, they should understand how awful it is to miss-match colors. Friendships are about trust, honesty, and support. It’s unfortunate that you had to witness hurtful and shocking banter between people you trusted. Surprises like this are not pleasant, but such is life. You are disappointed, but they are who they are. Everyone is capable of disappointing you at some point or another, you just have to decide what is acceptable and worth it, and what is better off leaving behind. Crappy people just make the good ones shine brighter. The reality is not always pretty, but at least you can hold your head up and maintain your dignity despite the poor behavior of others. Friends come and go. It can take a long time to get to know people. You have a lot to be thankful for here. Be glad that you don’t gossip about the people you hang out with. Be glad that you are honest and trustworthy. Be glad that you are genuine. That is a wonderful quality that far too many people lack. Be glad that when someone is your friend, it is because you honestly care about them and that you sincerely mean what you say. You have more dignity and grace than people like these phony “friends” you were hanging out with. They are entitled to their opinion, be it mean or nasty. This was a rude awakening, but now it’s time to find some new friends who do like your style and appreciate your introverted personality. They taught us in elementary school that it takes 3 warm fuzzies (compliments) to make up for 1 cold prickly (insult). Well, that message still applies to adulthood, so get to work on rebuilding your mood as soon as possible. Don’t let their opinion make you feel too bad. They just don’t get you. Trust me when I say that for every jerk who doesn’t get you, there are 3 people out there in the world who do!
