Dear Charlie,
I love to bake and eat dessert. I am particularly good at it. I appreciate desserts in ways that most people don’t. I love to have something sweet after a good meal. I almost always have dessert. My boyfriend used to love this about me. Lately when I’ve been having sweets, my boyfriend has not been in support of it. He will make comments like “are you sure you need that right now?” I feel that these comments are becoming increasingly regular, and it’s starting to make me feel self conscious about my body. I can’t help that I love desserts, but he never had a problem with it before. Do you think my boyfriend is being rude? Or do you think he has the right to be saying these things?
-Sweet Tooth
Dear Sweet Tooth,
I would like to start by saying that you sound like a talented baker! If I were around you, I would probably develop a sugar addiction too. Some people just have a way with sugar, and are one with its properties. There’s a great book out there called Win the Sugar War by Holly McCord. I read it when I was going through a phase of wanting to eat anything and everything sweet that crossed my path. As it turns out, sugar can be as addicting as cocaine. It also causes an abundance of negative side effects on your body, mental functioning, energy level, mood, teeth, complexion, and weight. There’s no easier way to get bit by the ugly bug, than to overindulge on sweets. Sugar alone can cause diabetes. Did you know that too much sugar can actually act like poison in your body? Anything in excess is not good for you. I don’t entirely blame anyone in America for being overweight or having this problem, due to our culture of culinary commercialism and unrealistically high caloric portions. Perhaps what your boyfriend is concerned about, has nothing to do with your body image, but your overall health in general. Perhaps you feel insecure about your body, due to your unhealthy diet? I don’t know what or how much you eat, but sugar heightens cravings for more sugary foods. You don't to cut it out entirely, just have limits. People with sugar addiction often have portion control issues as well and are prone to over eating. I’m not trying to knock your passion for desserts, but there is a good reason as to why people practice moderation. If your boyfriend were looking you up and down while saying these things, then feel free to be offended and slap him across the face. Just kidding (about the slapping part). However, I feel that he might be just looking out for you. You can tell him how it makes you feel when he says that. Explain that you appreciate his encouragement, but his comments feel like criticism and naturally you want his support and approval. As your lover, you are hurt when he comments on what you’re eating. Say that you could handle this constructive criticism better, if it weren’t coming from someone whom you are romantically intimate with. If you recognize that your habits are unhealthy, then you can simply tell your boyfriend that you know you have a problem, and that you are working on it. Go ahead and be direct. Ask him why he is bothered by you having dessert. He will probably have an honest answer. The thing here is that if you don’t think you have a problem, then you most likely are not going to be adjusting your dietary course any time soon. If you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and say you're not addicted to sugar and that your diet is balanced, then you are not going to fix a problem (that you don't feel you have). In turn, your boyfriend is probably going to continue disapproving, whether he expresses it out loud or keeps it to himself. Yet, if somewhere deep down inside you feel convicted for indulging in every craving on a whim, then perhaps his comments are somewhat justified. It's not easy to hear, but if someone were abusing alcohol, would you tell them? Or would you watch them do that to themself? Sometimes intervening like this can be a form of support. His comment feeds your insecurity about your body, but perhaps he just cares about you? A lot of people will say that they have a legitimate complaint if there lover or spouse was a certain size when they met, but have changed over time. In my opinion, part of being a couple is growing together through thick and thin (literally). Therefore I don’t think it’s really relevant whether your physique has changed or not since you met, because someone who really loves you will not be fixated or focused on how you look. If you’re worried that your boyfriend isn’t attracted to you any more, that's a different issue. I won't say it’s impossible that after getting to know you, he may have deemed this unhealthy habit as something he doesn’t like. He is expressing disapproval of this side of you. I don’t think it’s going to get any better at the rate you're going. The reality is that unless you achnowledge your issue with food, and have the desire to put your sweet tooth in check, it’s likely that your boyfriend will drift farther and farther away from you. I knew a man who complained to his wife about her bad eating habits so much, that she started hoarding candy behind his back. Inevitably she became even bigger and more unhealthy than before. It was not good for her or their relationship. If sweets are a big side of who you are, and you don’t plan to change, then I’m sorry to say but you are more committed to your sweet tooth than a healthy life or relationship. This is not a very good sign for your future with him. I personally think that you would be showing great commitment to your relationship, by working on this and practicing some self control. If you can find no good reason to do it for yourself, then do it out of respect to your relationship. I understand your feelings on the matter, but I do think people should beware the dangers of giving into to indulgence too much. Selfishness leads to loneliness. Desserts will tempt you in every direction of life all day long if you let them, with their decadent presentations and convenient availability. Don't be fooled because they are like the devil in disguise! Ha ha! You could live every moment of my life waiting for your next sweet bite if you wanted. Don’t get caught up in that web. It’s not worth it. At the end of the day, you’ll just be laying around in bed with it on your hips, thighs, stomach and butt, feeling bad about yourself. If you're having a hard time accepting this, begin by subconsciously avoiding sugar. If you neglect or don't acknowledge your cravings, they will start to go away. Surround yourself with healthy things and healthy minded people/activities, and they will rub off on you. Once in a while it’s a real treat, but all the time is on the abusive side to your mind, body, and soul. On the flip side, I must acknowledge that relationships become dysfunctional when the respect is lost along the way. Hopefully your boyfriend still respects you, will see and appreciate your efforts (granted that you make them), and love you any ways. If not, then this is not the guy for you. If your boyfriend has had a change of heart, that that's another issue. I think you need to do some soul searching and that you guys need to talk. Good luck!
