Boyfriend is Friends with his X

Dear Charlie,
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend

Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.

X-High School Lover

Dear Charlie,
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him

Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.