Dear Charlie,
I signed up on an internet site that automatically sent invitations to everyone on my contact list to join my network. I didn’t know it did this, until I started getting responses from contacts I didn’t know I had. One response was from this guy whom I could have only corresponded with once or twice via email, several years ago. I never dated him. We were just friends in the same line of work. I barely know this guy and haven’t kept in touch with him. He replied with a super long email ranting about what he has been up to, and asking me all kinds of questions. I gave him a very short reply to get him off my back by saying; “It’s nice to hear from you,” but he answered with another super long email and then asked to meet me for coffee! I don’t know how to respond to this. The message he got from “me” was automatic and from the site! How do I explain that to him?
-Open Invitation
Dear Open Invitation,
This guy took an automated networking site message as a personal invitation to come back into your life. How do you respond to someone whom you didn’t write to? Ha! This guy is obviously lonely and desperate for a connection. His eagerness to talk to you was rather premature, since you didn’t actually contact him. He has assumed all too much, and jumped the gun. Maybe this guy is a writer just taking every chance he gets to display his talent, but that’s unlikely. My guess is that he has been thinking about you for some time. It happens. You don’t feel the same way that he does and that’s OK. The fact that your curt reply; “it’s nice to hear from you” was (once again) misconstrued by him as an attempt to reach out, is almost humorous. It's not as though you were leading him on. Someone could have hacked into your account for all her knows. It happends all the time. Let’s see here, how do you politely say “sorry buddy, but I didn’t email you and I don’t want to talk to you”? Well, you could be brutally honest; “the site I signed up on sent automatic invitations out to everyone on my contact list. Take care.” Leave it at that? He would probably get the point. I understand your sensitivity to his feelings in the matter, since he has divulged so much. However, you have to toughen your skin because he has to know that he was taking a risk by putting himself out there so much. You have the option not to reciprocate. You don’t need to explain anything to him. You might be afraid to stop responding at the risk of hurting his feelings, but that's not your problem unless you make it your problem. Sometimes people need you to be more than you can be for them. Some people need a brick to fall on their head in order to get a message. Some people are very lonely and starving for a connection. Sometimes people are in denial about reality because it hurts them too much. Needless to say, you are not on the same page. Whatever is going on with this guy, whoever he is or however you knew him, it’s just email. Emails get deleted, emails don’t get delivered, and ultimately, emails are not personal, despite what some people think. The reason being is that email is a closed form of communication, because you have no way of knowing if it was received, how the person initially responded, or if it went to the appropriate party. This works in your favor. Unless you want to get involved with this guy, I highly recommend that you don’t put anything else out there. It’s his problem at this point. You are not responsible for making him feel better about his lonely life, unless you want to be his girlfriend. You could have cleverly sent another automated response like this; “this is an automated response. I am out of the office and will get back to my emails soon,” and then never reply. He was probably looking for an opportunity to talk to you again, and “you” delivered that chance to him. That site should have given you the option to decline sending personalized invitations to everyone on your contact list. Perhaps there was an option but you didn’t see it? I hope so, because nobody needs this and it’s obnoxious. I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to these awkward situations. Sensitive people get wrapped up in guilt or responsibility to the feelings of others. They are afraid of offending or hurting someone so they continue to be "nice". Sometimes kindness leads desperate people further down the path of false hope. None of this is your fault. What some people consider to be flirting is just a friendly expression to others. Play it safe. Let this guys emails get lost in your inbox. Then don’t worry about it and let it go. After all, it's just email.
