Dear Charlie,
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
Showing posts with label inappropriate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inappropriate. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Husband Flirts with Co-worker
Dear Charlie,
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
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