Dear Charlie,
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love
Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Not Invited to Roommate's Wedding
Dear Charlie,
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited
Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited
Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.
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