Dear Charlie,
My husband was married once before me and had a son. His son lives with his X-wife who is also remarried. We sometimes get his son on the weekends, but not regularly. I'm not a big fan of his X-wife, though we are cordial with each other and can civilly visit from time to time. The issue is that their son is a complete brat. He is so spoiled by everyone in the family. Everyone spoils him from his Grandmother, to his Aunts, and even his new Step-Father. My husband spoils him too. Whenever this kid is in our house, he is running the show and dictating our lives. It’s pathetic how my husband lets him boss us around. I feel like I should have a say in how we raise him as a couple in our household, but I’m not sure where to draw the line. This child has no discipline and gets whatever he wants. I can’t imagine how he will be when he is older.
-Cringing Step-Mother
Dear Cringing Step-Mother,
A rotten step child is a real doozie. It might make a drinker out of me. I am with you on this one. You're right, not only is this annoying, but it's also a problem. It’s painful to watch someone shower a greedy child with things because they will only learn to be ungrateful and demand more. When that someone is your husband, I would imagine it's even more irritating. Any quantity of attention or gifts to compensate for lack of love or being present in the child's life, seems like a poor parental tactic. It’s not that your husband doesn’t love his son; it’s that he is not very present in his life (as much as he might like to be). His harbored feelings of guilt drive him to want to overcompensate in unhealthy ways. He gives his son the driver’s seat and lets him call all the shots. Routines are very effective with children, so the child naturally accepts all he is given. Soon he is expecting it as a payment owed to him each time he returns, because your husband (and all parties involved) have made this a habit. Perhaps your husband feels that this is the only way he can win over his son’s affection. Ask him if it is working. It wouldn’t be surprising if after all his efforts; his child is still subject to tantrums, emotionally distance and ungratefulness. This is a dynamic that probably will get worse over time. It’s something that a lot of parents do after divorce. However, I feel that a passive attitude towards this behavior only condones it, and sends the message that it is acceptable. I think it’s completely reasonable that you stand your ground and voice that you do not support this behavior. He is not doing him any favors by placing an emphasis on material things or giving him the control over the household when he visits. He would be a more effective Father, even only on weekends, if he focused on strengthening their bond in productive ways by sharing quality time together. Parents should strive to teach their children to be humble and appreciate things. It’s not always easy, but you could help your husband resist his urge to indulge his son in every way. Children need love, and that comes in many forms. Children struggle with identity issues when their parents’ divorce. Children with divorced parents act out in different ways when they are coping with the loss of one or both parents. Our job as parents is to teach them, and guide them with consistency and boundaries. When they are guiding us, the process is backwards and over time they respect us less and less. I understand the difficult position you are in as a step parent and the only one not willing to carry on with it. You don’t want to be identified as the “wicked Step-Mother”. However, every child needs discipline and boundaries. It’s important to give children positive attention, but it’s also important to teach them that their ill behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise they can get away with murder. It is recommended by many child psychologists that encouragement should occur immediately. It is also recommended that punishments be brief but immediately following bad behavior. As soon as the child is naughty, they should be ignored (to show it is unacceptable) given immediate consequences. This takes patience but will result in improvement. It sounds like your Step-son has become addicted to doting attention that everyone is practicing. I think you would be wise, and set an excellent example in the long run, if you were to break the chain. You should really talk to your husband at length and explain this to him. Tell him it’s not helping their relationship or the growth of his son, and that you don’t approve of it in your house. You are a couple and need to do this together. Positive reinforcement is good, but to excess it is harmful. He is doing his son an injustice by providing with a dream world full of material things to live in. It’s not realistic. The people with the most character, experienced hardship and had to work for what they have. They understand the value of things and what it takes to earn them. Unconditional love is not paying for things or offering an endless supply of gifts. It is loving someone no matter what they do. Show him. Children are very receptive, and they learn quickly. In most cases, spoiling equals bratty behavior. The boy will not change or become a decent, intelligent, or compassionate person, until he is shown otherwise. Parents are responsible. You and your husband would change the boy's life by being good parents to him.
