Dear Charlie,
I introduced my friend to a guy I work with and they have been dating for the past 3 months. I'm friends with the guy, but only through work. I don't know much about his personal life. My friend and I have been close for a long time. The other day, I saw him meet another girl outside of our building. They were in a very heated and passionate argument. From the looks of it, it seemed like they were romantically involved. I'm sure that my friend is unaware of whoever this girl is. Should I tell her or just stay out of it?
-Getting in the Middle
Dear Getting in the Middle,
You feel conflicted for obvious reasons. At the risk of becoming a snitch on your colleague, you feel a greater responsibility to protecting the heart of your friend. In this particular situation (friends with both of them), you are obligated to be honest with him yet protective of her. Loyalty to friends and partners is important, but that’s the whole point here. He is giving you reasons to believe that he is not loyal. Whatever he's got going on appears to be cause for concern. I feel that your obligation to be the eyes and ears of your girlfriend overrules. It's never safe to assume anything, but your eyes don't lie. Based on their body language, relationship dynamics were suggestive. The possibility exists that she could have been a sister upset about family matters, an old fling who just won’t go away, or a desperate homeless woman he has been helping. Most likely, she is exactly what you perceived her to be. Ask him about it. My guess is that you saw too much. You could approach him in a "not that it's any of my business but..." kind of way, and see what he has to say. Or you might tell him that you want to be a good friend to both of them; but that you feel she has the right to know if he's seeing someone else. Depending on how close you are with this guy, he may or may not confide in you, or divulge the truth. You must do the right thing. In this case, I feel that the right thing to do would be to tell your friend. Mention it casually as though you are not making assumptions. Let her decide what to do with the information you relayed to her. Besides, you are her friend. You want what’s best for her. Right? Real friends are there for each other; rooting for each others success. Naturally, if you witness someone in the act of betrayal against your friend, you should want to stand behind her. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be informed. Some people might believe you saw your coworker’s secret rendez vous for a reason. Some people might even say that your loyalty to your friend is being tested by a higher power. Spiritual views aside, you should be proudly loyal to your friend. You may decide that giving your colleague a heads up is a good idea. If you don't want to make him uncomfortable, there are ways to go about this gently. You don't have to corner him with interrogating questions; you can approach the situation with subtlety. Shoot him an email. Lay it on smooth and easy, maybe even with a twist of cutesy humor. "You're not messing around on my girl are you? Because I might have to hurt you hehehe…" If he doesn't have a sense of humor about it, then you might just say "Look, you're such a cool guy and I’m so happy my friend is dating you, but I'm just looking out for her...Does she need to be concerned about what I saw?" He may or may not acknowledge what has transpired, or even worse, he may be guilty and in denial. Remember, you don't know what's going on. You only know what you saw. If he gets defensive, tells you it's none of your business, or calls you a nark, then he is probably shady, immature and not to be trusted. Then you can go directly to your friend and tell her what you saw. If he is a decent and respectful guy, he may be good enough to come clean with you about the situation. If he says he will tell her on his own, make sure he does by following up. Do this by going to your friend in a suggestive kind of way, and probing her for any recent relationship stints. At that point, if she is oblivious, then he didn't tell her and it's on him because you confronted him. The cards were on the table. Confess to her what you saw and how you handled the situation. Explain that you gave him the chance to tell her but he didn’t take it. Hopefully he wasn’t planning on telling her after you have this conversation. Either way, you are in the middle because he put you there, either on purpose or by accident. Don't be ashamed of your friendships. Be publicly loyal to your friends. Let people know where you stand. Any reasonable person would understand what friendship and loyalty is all about. In fact, a reasonable person should expect loyalty in this case, because it goes with the territory. Definitely don't stay quiet. Not saying something breaks the code of friendship laws. By taking a passive stance in the matter, you keep your friend in the dark and make a fool of her. She would be very hurt to find out you saw something suspicious and didn’t report it. People who are straightforward have strong character. Go for it without hesitation. Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you prefer to live in fairyland with the help of a hollow "friend"?
Showing posts with label co worker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label co worker. Show all posts
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Immaturity at Every Age
Dear Charlie,
I work with people who are a little younger than me. Despite the fact that I’m only a few years older than the majority of them, I feel ancient in comparison to their lifestyles. All they ever talk about is partying, getting drunk, and picking up guys or girls. It’s so immature to me. I’m just way past the phases they are going through. I want to be friendly with the people I work with, but I can’t help getting annoyed whenever they get together. I don’t want to seem like a snob, but I don’t want to be involved in their juvenile chat sessions either. What should I do?
-Feeling Older
Dear Feeling Older,
I think that when you’re in your twenties, it’s normal to find an equally blended mix of people who have it together and people who are still figuring it out. Maturity is about experiences, not age. There will always be people your age, older, or younger maturing at different paces. That’s just the way it is for every age group. Some people’s parents do everything for them and they never learn how to be responsible on their own. Some grown adults still party and act like college kids. Some people remarkably get it together very early in life, while others struggle and remain a mess throughout. Immaturity exists at every age. Dealing with irritating personality types is a challenge for everyone. The twenties are a strange and often times uncomfortable decade because it’s the time when everyone is finding themselves. You might meet someone who is 24, already married with two children and a house. On the flip side, you might meet someone 29, who is still single and partying. Depending on where you’re at in your life, how your relationships are going, what your family taught you about values, and what associations you put yourself in, everyone is on their own page. It’s all about experience. Young people in college tend to be egotistical, think they know everything, and that everyone values socializing like they do. It’s never safe to assume, but this is a young mentality that goes with the territory. That’s why colleges are so great because they confine all the young people together. Let the inexperienced hang out with the equally inexperienced. At the age when life is fresh and new, young people might think they have it all figured out, but nobody really does. There are plenty of stereotypes associated with certain age groups. A balding man in his forties is prone to mid life crisis spontaneity. A “creepy cat lady” might typically be a widowed woman with no children in her 60s. Two year olds are typically testy and prone to tantrums! A crass 20-something frat boy will typically boast about getting laid, boozing all night long, and hanging out with his “buddies”. A 20-something aspiring actress is typically naïve and desperate for attention, tries on friends like clothes, and talks a lot. While many of these stereotypes are right on the money, you can’t generalize an entire people. Everyone is own their own path. Some women in their 60s are in amazing shape, active in their communities, and highly social. Some men in their 40s are satisfied with life and raising stable families. Some two year olds are angels, some college guys don’t party at all, and some young aspiring actresses are incredibly inspirational. Not everyone keeps an open mind of the exceptions to every rule. Some people prefer to be judgmental. When it comes to colleagues, people should be more concerned with professionalism at work than recapping the highlights of last nights’ party. If you don’t have an outlet where you can be yourself, you will especially feel immaturity around you cramping your style. Your colleagues are testing your patience. When you’re at work, don’t get too comfortable. Focus on your work, yourself, the things you like to do, and the people you would like to do them with. Perhaps your colleagues also bug you because you hoped that by working with people your age, you would make friends. When your expectations were disappointed, you began feeling out of place. When you go to work, you are thrown into a circle of people you don’t mesh with. Though you may have it more together than they do, they are still people you must civilly engage with. Don’t hang out with them and DO avoid their dumb conversations. Remember, they are just people you work with. You do not have to get personally involved with them. Keep them at arm’s length, remain cordial, friendly, and even helpful, but don’t be afraid to voice yourself or be the only one who doesn’t party. “Elders” set a good example to bratty young people by being above the situation. People relate to those who are younger than them by remembering what it was like to be on their page. We need to respect our elders, but we also need to respect our youngers. When you interact with your colleagues, focus on the common grounds you have with them. Don’t hang out with them, or worry about being part of their group. Put on your “at work” attitude. You are your own person. Remember that people are individuals’ whether they want to be, realize it, or not. They are entitled to cling to their little clique party people, but you don’t have to be a part of it. That’s a good thing. You have better things to do, like finding people to talk to who you can level with. You need new associations. You don’t need an overabundance of interaction with people who get under your skin. It’s good to have balance. Having comrades to confide in outside of work would help you be able to brush them off more easily. You need to find people you can mesh with or else these people will continue to drive you nuts. Forget about them. Some of them might think of you as a goody-two-shoe, but that’s their problem. Their immature opinions don’t matter if they’re going to be obnoxious. You have no need for people like that. The people who matter are the ones who respect you, at every age. If something annoys you, show it. Stand your ground with confidence, knowing that you are further along in the process of life, and be glad you’re not in their shoes. Be proud that you’re not living your daily life in a constant state of drunken stupor. Be glad you have progressed from where they are. Be confident of whom you are and they may respect you for it. If not, who cares what they think of you? Be yourself. If you’re lucky, maybe someone equally annoyed by adolescent antics will soon get hired! Worst-case scenario; find a new job.
I work with people who are a little younger than me. Despite the fact that I’m only a few years older than the majority of them, I feel ancient in comparison to their lifestyles. All they ever talk about is partying, getting drunk, and picking up guys or girls. It’s so immature to me. I’m just way past the phases they are going through. I want to be friendly with the people I work with, but I can’t help getting annoyed whenever they get together. I don’t want to seem like a snob, but I don’t want to be involved in their juvenile chat sessions either. What should I do?
-Feeling Older
Dear Feeling Older,
I think that when you’re in your twenties, it’s normal to find an equally blended mix of people who have it together and people who are still figuring it out. Maturity is about experiences, not age. There will always be people your age, older, or younger maturing at different paces. That’s just the way it is for every age group. Some people’s parents do everything for them and they never learn how to be responsible on their own. Some grown adults still party and act like college kids. Some people remarkably get it together very early in life, while others struggle and remain a mess throughout. Immaturity exists at every age. Dealing with irritating personality types is a challenge for everyone. The twenties are a strange and often times uncomfortable decade because it’s the time when everyone is finding themselves. You might meet someone who is 24, already married with two children and a house. On the flip side, you might meet someone 29, who is still single and partying. Depending on where you’re at in your life, how your relationships are going, what your family taught you about values, and what associations you put yourself in, everyone is on their own page. It’s all about experience. Young people in college tend to be egotistical, think they know everything, and that everyone values socializing like they do. It’s never safe to assume, but this is a young mentality that goes with the territory. That’s why colleges are so great because they confine all the young people together. Let the inexperienced hang out with the equally inexperienced. At the age when life is fresh and new, young people might think they have it all figured out, but nobody really does. There are plenty of stereotypes associated with certain age groups. A balding man in his forties is prone to mid life crisis spontaneity. A “creepy cat lady” might typically be a widowed woman with no children in her 60s. Two year olds are typically testy and prone to tantrums! A crass 20-something frat boy will typically boast about getting laid, boozing all night long, and hanging out with his “buddies”. A 20-something aspiring actress is typically naïve and desperate for attention, tries on friends like clothes, and talks a lot. While many of these stereotypes are right on the money, you can’t generalize an entire people. Everyone is own their own path. Some women in their 60s are in amazing shape, active in their communities, and highly social. Some men in their 40s are satisfied with life and raising stable families. Some two year olds are angels, some college guys don’t party at all, and some young aspiring actresses are incredibly inspirational. Not everyone keeps an open mind of the exceptions to every rule. Some people prefer to be judgmental. When it comes to colleagues, people should be more concerned with professionalism at work than recapping the highlights of last nights’ party. If you don’t have an outlet where you can be yourself, you will especially feel immaturity around you cramping your style. Your colleagues are testing your patience. When you’re at work, don’t get too comfortable. Focus on your work, yourself, the things you like to do, and the people you would like to do them with. Perhaps your colleagues also bug you because you hoped that by working with people your age, you would make friends. When your expectations were disappointed, you began feeling out of place. When you go to work, you are thrown into a circle of people you don’t mesh with. Though you may have it more together than they do, they are still people you must civilly engage with. Don’t hang out with them and DO avoid their dumb conversations. Remember, they are just people you work with. You do not have to get personally involved with them. Keep them at arm’s length, remain cordial, friendly, and even helpful, but don’t be afraid to voice yourself or be the only one who doesn’t party. “Elders” set a good example to bratty young people by being above the situation. People relate to those who are younger than them by remembering what it was like to be on their page. We need to respect our elders, but we also need to respect our youngers. When you interact with your colleagues, focus on the common grounds you have with them. Don’t hang out with them, or worry about being part of their group. Put on your “at work” attitude. You are your own person. Remember that people are individuals’ whether they want to be, realize it, or not. They are entitled to cling to their little clique party people, but you don’t have to be a part of it. That’s a good thing. You have better things to do, like finding people to talk to who you can level with. You need new associations. You don’t need an overabundance of interaction with people who get under your skin. It’s good to have balance. Having comrades to confide in outside of work would help you be able to brush them off more easily. You need to find people you can mesh with or else these people will continue to drive you nuts. Forget about them. Some of them might think of you as a goody-two-shoe, but that’s their problem. Their immature opinions don’t matter if they’re going to be obnoxious. You have no need for people like that. The people who matter are the ones who respect you, at every age. If something annoys you, show it. Stand your ground with confidence, knowing that you are further along in the process of life, and be glad you’re not in their shoes. Be proud that you’re not living your daily life in a constant state of drunken stupor. Be glad you have progressed from where they are. Be confident of whom you are and they may respect you for it. If not, who cares what they think of you? Be yourself. If you’re lucky, maybe someone equally annoyed by adolescent antics will soon get hired! Worst-case scenario; find a new job.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Husband Flirts with Co-worker
Dear Charlie,
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
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