Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. I’m very excited about the idea of spending my life with him, but I have some anxiety. I’m concerned that I won’t be able to satisfy him with what he needs. The reason is because I’m a terrible cook and he loves homemade food. His mom ruined it for me because she is an amazing cook. She cooked everything from scratch when he was a kid, and still does. Who has time for that? I don’t even know how to make chicken. It’s not something I enjoy either. I told my boyfriend that it’s just not me. I know he will not expect me to be the best, but I feel bad.
-Doomed in the Kitchen
Dear Doomed in the Kitchen,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m chuckling to myself because of how much I know this feeling. Let’s just say that “Cookistan” was a country I did not want to visit. Ha! When I met my husband, his mother was a royal nightmare. Not because she was hard to deal with or anything. Oh no, she was as sweet as pie and I had a great deal of admiration and respect for her. She was a nightmare because she was an astonishing chef! I felt the doom you feel in the worst way. She had a natural talent with food. She would make these really elaborate, exotic meals. She was concocting all kinds of crazy things, with spices I have never even heard of. Meanwhile, here I was trying to boil pasta without over cooking it. I thought “I will never be able to match this”. How did she do it?! Her culinary skills were so advanced, that I thought I might be better off forfeiting our relationship before I disgraced myself. I hated messing with food and I became a nervous wreck any time I stepped in the kitchen. I assure you that nothing was more intimidating to me than cooking. When you have minimal to no cooking skills, it’s overwhelming to experience the sophistication that other women have achieved. I had never been much use in the kitchen and my Mother’s dishes were very basic. Now I was an adult with no experience or know how, holding hands with a man with a refined palate. I wanted nothing to do with cooking. I had better things to do. It’s like you said: “who has time for that!?” Some women don’t cook throughout their whole marriage, and their husbands deal with it. That would be your choice. It’s hard to go domestic when you’re used to being career minded. However, I honestly feel that the old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” has some truth. Your boyfriend may not demand you to serve him daily, yet you feel the pressure because he’s used to good food. I have news for you: you are not doomed. In fact there is a lot of hope! I can tell you from experience that this is something you can hone over time. With consistency, trial and error, you too can become a decent home chef. The trick is to start small. I would often pick advanced recipes that were far beyond my capabilities. When they resulted in catastrophe, I wouldn't want to cook again for a month. Don't start with enchiladas or "baked basmati with currant stuffed trout", start with vegetables and rice! Don’t overwhelm yourself, or else you will become discouraged from trying again. It’s like anything else you do in life. There are many levels, but you can become more accomplished by starting small and working up. Your boyfriend’s mom wasn’t born with immaculate recipes programmed into her head. She had to learn it from somewhere. Imagine how proud your boyfriend would be of you, if he saw you putting in the effort? Explain to him that you have a lot of anxiety about cooking, but that you want to try. He will be grateful. If you want to nurture him and his happiness, it would be good for you to give it a try. Out of respect to the relationship, his childhood, and the love you share. I would watch the Food Network and make note of tips that looked easy to me. People on the Food Network really are helpful! I started to put things together. I ruined many, many dinners, but I kept on trying. I started to think positively about cooking. It’s ok to mess up, because you won’t mess up forever. Not if you try. I promise that if I can do it, ANYONE can. You may go through cycles. Sometimes you will hate it, or resent the time and effort you put into it if it’s a disaster. Other times you will enjoy it, think it's fun, or even love it when it’s a success. It’s very exciting when it starts to click. You become less nervous, and more anxious to create a tasty meal. Maybe the idea of spending time in the kitchen sweating over a 3 course meal, is not what you had in mind for your future? I’m not saying you should quit your job and stay home doing laundry and dishes too. It’s good to round yourself out. You don’t want to be all about one thing. You need balance. You can still be a career woman and make time to cook. The transition from girlfriend to wife is a maturity not just in your relationship, but also as a woman. When you are married, you become responsible for each other. Everything is shared, including meal planning. It’s something you could do together. It’s great when cooking is a shared responsibility. My husband is a wonderful cook (thanks to his mom). You don’t have to do it all single handed. Sometimes you may not have time, but once in a while would be a nice start. Maybe you can cook on the weekends at the beginning, and then advance into a couple times a week. Before you know it, you will be making dinner every other day. You have more potential than you think you do, you just don’t know where to start. The reason you dread it, is because it's new to you. It becomes enjoyable the more you learn. Pretty soon you’re cooking Boeuf Bourguignon! Let me know how it comes out because I’m not even that far along yet! It will also surprise you how many foods with an elegant appeal, are simple to make. Did you know beets are easy to boil? When presented on a plate, they add an interesting splash of color. Tilapia fillets are healthy and light. You throw them in a pan lightly oiled, and cook them for 6-7 minutes on each side. Salads sound boring, but can become very exciting with the addition of almond slices, broccoli, sun dried tomatoes, avocado, and shaved cheese. See? Presentation can be fun too! It’s such a creative art medium. They don’t call it the culinary ARTS for nothing. I believe in you, so don’t give up on yourself. It is a feat that you too can concur. Don’t be afraid, dare to venture into the mysterious world of food preparation and make it out alive.
