Dear Charlie,
My husband was married once before me and had a son. His son lives with his X-wife who is also remarried. We sometimes get his son on the weekends, but not regularly. I'm not a big fan of his X-wife, though we are cordial with each other and can civilly visit from time to time. The issue is that their son is a complete brat. He is so spoiled by everyone in the family. Everyone spoils him from his Grandmother, to his Aunts, and even his new Step-Father. My husband spoils him too. Whenever this kid is in our house, he is running the show and dictating our lives. It’s pathetic how my husband lets him boss us around. I feel like I should have a say in how we raise him as a couple in our household, but I’m not sure where to draw the line. This child has no discipline and gets whatever he wants. I can’t imagine how he will be when he is older.
-Cringing Step-Mother
Dear Cringing Step-Mother,
A rotten step child is a real doozie. It might make a drinker out of me. I am with you on this one. You're right, not only is this annoying, but it's also a problem. It’s painful to watch someone shower a greedy child with things because they will only learn to be ungrateful and demand more. When that someone is your husband, I would imagine it's even more irritating. Any quantity of attention or gifts to compensate for lack of love or being present in the child's life, seems like a poor parental tactic. It’s not that your husband doesn’t love his son; it’s that he is not very present in his life (as much as he might like to be). His harbored feelings of guilt drive him to want to overcompensate in unhealthy ways. He gives his son the driver’s seat and lets him call all the shots. Routines are very effective with children, so the child naturally accepts all he is given. Soon he is expecting it as a payment owed to him each time he returns, because your husband (and all parties involved) have made this a habit. Perhaps your husband feels that this is the only way he can win over his son’s affection. Ask him if it is working. It wouldn’t be surprising if after all his efforts; his child is still subject to tantrums, emotionally distance and ungratefulness. This is a dynamic that probably will get worse over time. It’s something that a lot of parents do after divorce. However, I feel that a passive attitude towards this behavior only condones it, and sends the message that it is acceptable. I think it’s completely reasonable that you stand your ground and voice that you do not support this behavior. He is not doing him any favors by placing an emphasis on material things or giving him the control over the household when he visits. He would be a more effective Father, even only on weekends, if he focused on strengthening their bond in productive ways by sharing quality time together. Parents should strive to teach their children to be humble and appreciate things. It’s not always easy, but you could help your husband resist his urge to indulge his son in every way. Children need love, and that comes in many forms. Children struggle with identity issues when their parents’ divorce. Children with divorced parents act out in different ways when they are coping with the loss of one or both parents. Our job as parents is to teach them, and guide them with consistency and boundaries. When they are guiding us, the process is backwards and over time they respect us less and less. I understand the difficult position you are in as a step parent and the only one not willing to carry on with it. You don’t want to be identified as the “wicked Step-Mother”. However, every child needs discipline and boundaries. It’s important to give children positive attention, but it’s also important to teach them that their ill behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise they can get away with murder. It is recommended by many child psychologists that encouragement should occur immediately. It is also recommended that punishments be brief but immediately following bad behavior. As soon as the child is naughty, they should be ignored (to show it is unacceptable) given immediate consequences. This takes patience but will result in improvement. It sounds like your Step-son has become addicted to doting attention that everyone is practicing. I think you would be wise, and set an excellent example in the long run, if you were to break the chain. You should really talk to your husband at length and explain this to him. Tell him it’s not helping their relationship or the growth of his son, and that you don’t approve of it in your house. You are a couple and need to do this together. Positive reinforcement is good, but to excess it is harmful. He is doing his son an injustice by providing with a dream world full of material things to live in. It’s not realistic. The people with the most character, experienced hardship and had to work for what they have. They understand the value of things and what it takes to earn them. Unconditional love is not paying for things or offering an endless supply of gifts. It is loving someone no matter what they do. Show him. Children are very receptive, and they learn quickly. In most cases, spoiling equals bratty behavior. The boy will not change or become a decent, intelligent, or compassionate person, until he is shown otherwise. Parents are responsible. You and your husband would change the boy's life by being good parents to him.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Monday, June 7, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Husband Flirts with Co-worker
Dear Charlie,
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
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