Dear Charlie,
My college roommate works in the entertainment industry. She recently moved to LA, and has been constantly keeping in touch with me. I am not really a phone person, but she calls me daily. I feel like the only reason she calls, is to boast about her new lavish lifestyle. We never talked this much when we lived nearby, and now she suddenly wants to share everything with me. She constantly mentions celebrities she has partied with, worked with, or seen out on the town. She even posts updates on my Facebook wall about her exciting life. I used to like her, but I don’t like talking on the phone and her conversations annoy me. I'm happy with my life and don’t need a daily report on her LA experiences.
-Midwest Girl
Dear Midwest Girl,
This is an easy one. Stop taking her call. Become suddenly busy. When people move somewhere exciting (i.e. NYC, LA, Miami, Japan etc...), they tend to automatically assume that everyone who isn’t there wants to be. You do not have to sit through her obnoxious name dropping, chest beating, and bragging phone sessions. Since she’s in the second largest US city, you would think she would be too busy working in the avid entertainment industry out there, to have time to keep you updated. Why doesn’t she get a job at TMZ, since she’s so completely star struck that she can’t contain herself from reporting star sightings? Become unavailable. Don’t answer her calls any more. As for the Facebook thing, I think there's an option to filter wall posts or block people (if you get desperate). She may have been a cool roomie once upon a time, but now she is getting on your nerves. People change. Luckily she lives far away so you don’t have to deal with her or see her on a regular basis. Then again, if you were both in LA, she wouldn’t feel so special in comparison to you in the Midwest. She is looking for attention; someone to make her feel important. Lucky you. For some people, the city they live in is a major part of their identity. People in LA don’t typically feel special to other people in LA. They have to reach out to people in other cities, if they want recognition for where they live. If she is aspiring to stardom, she’s probably being sucked into that whole LA mind frame of fame chasers. The way she sees it, you are an opportunity for her to feel special or like a star. When that phone rings, ignore it. Don’t’ sweat it. She will find someone else to spoon feed her pompousness to. If she writes to you asking about why you haven’t been around, simply explain. Tell her that you have never been much of a phone person and that your “plate” is full at the moment. Basically tell her (in a nice way) that you have a life, and she needs to get one. She will get the picture and eventually stop calling. If not, you can always change your number and neglect to give her the new one. You aren’t obligated to remain friends with her, just because you used to live together. It’s great that you had a college roommate you got along with, because some people don’t even have that. Not that you’re at all interested in delving her psychology, but she’s probably having mixed emotions. In comparison to the rest of the country, she feels exclusive (and probably a little pretentious) to be living in a place where celebrities wine, dine, mingle, and work. She values them, but the things that are important to her, aren't important to everyone. Naturally being the new kid in town, she may feel a little scared but too egotistical to admit it. Thus she clings to something familiar from her past, meanwhile putting on a face of fearlessness. She’s looking for somewhere to put all this energy and it seems she has picked you. Good for her to have materialized a lifelong dream, but it’s not easy to be the new girl in a really big city, especially Los Angeles. LA is a big deal to many people, but there is a whole world outside of it. Over time she will acclimate, find new friends (hopefully), and get used to the idea that she lives in the entertainment capital of the nation (like thousands of others). For now, politely preoccupy yourself with other things and let LA deal with her.
Showing posts with label roommate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label roommate. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Not Invited to Roommate's Wedding
Dear Charlie,
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited
Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited
Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.
Noisy Neighbor
Dear Charlie,
I just moved into a new apartment. I really like it here. I have not lived in an apartment as nice and big as this before. I chose this location because it’s quiet. I’m from the suburbs and am used to quiet nights, but I wanted to experience city life. I have just discovered that my neighbor across the hall likes to keep late hours. This means she blasts her music and it goes on til the wee hours of the morning. I am so annoyed because I find it rude. I don’t know how to handle this problem without making things weird between me and her, when I haven’t even introduced myself yet. How should I approach this?
-Noisy Nights
Dear Noisy Nights,
Ah the good old selfish prick neighbor. Welcome to city life. This is a classic case of which most people can relate. There is strength in numbers here but it’s best to shop all your options. I’d say if you’re down right dirty, feel free to call the cops on her without warning and laugh as she gets busted. However, if you live in a really big city, they may not ever show up because they have way more serious priorities to tend to over a mere noise complaint. This tactic could also backfire on you regarding how many neighbors you have, because she may figure out who is responsible for ratting her out. You don't want this to turn into an ongoing vengeful battle reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men. Who knows who you are dealing with?! She could have a substance abuse problem for all you know, which isn't entirely unlikely. If you live in a big building, who cares if you have to tell her to shutup because you have to sleep, and that may be more important to you than making friends or seeking neighborly approval, which she can obviously relate to. Sometimes it’s best to nip this one in the butt. If you live in a smaller building, that could make things uncomfortable, but you may not run into her often and you don't owe her anything just because you live nearby. Look, she's not being "nice" by worrying about your feelings, so why should you waste your time worrying about hers? Don’t be afraid to confront her head-on, because if you don't take action, you're the one who is going to suffer. Meanwhile she is having a grand old time at your expense, doing whatever it is she can't refrain from doing during hours when most human beings function. Everyone likes to cut loose once in a while, but people who cling to it on a nightly basis tend to be unbalanced individuals. You don’t have time for this and she should know better. She might pretend she didn't realize how loud it was, and play the victim, but that's when you will know the extent of her character. Use it to your advantage. Like I said, you never know who you are dealing with. In an extreme case, she could end up being completely disrespectful and slam the door on your face, in which case, you will adjust your decision. But... she could just be a fun girl who often makes foolish mistakes (like the rest of us), in which case, you just made a new friend. Keep in mind that you are not obligated to be friends just because you inhabit the same building and this is ultimately an invasion of your privacy. Maybe you could rally with the others and share your frustration, and collectively assert her on the matter in some way. A letter in the lobby? Under her door? On her mailbox? Or a group visit! Ha! You do not have to get involved with her just because you complained about her noisiness. You may want to put in a call to your landlord but who knows how much they will care either. In NYC, the apartment vacancy turn-over rate is so high, most people keep to themselves and don’t even bother to get involved with neighbors unless they are really grounded and settled. Many people avoid neighboring inhabitants. If you don’t mind being assertive, go to her damn door, knock on it in your pajamas (making sure to look extra frazzled and disrupted) so she can clearly see you are trying to sleep, and ask her politely to turn it down. If you play the sympathy card, she may respond positively; "I always wished I was cool enough to be a nocturnal person, but it's not for me". If this is not a continuous habit of hers however, and only seems to occur on weekends, then maybe you can invest in some comfortable ear plugs and accept the fact that big cities are noisy and you have no control over it. If you’re feeling a little saucy, I might be tempted to write a note on her door asking her to let you know when she plans to actually sleep or have “quiet time” so that you can make sure to blast your music then. You might want to mention that you go to a Club when you want to feel the gyration of music, not to your home. However, if you are a courteous person who prefers more reasonable and tasteful tactics, you might want to simply tell her via note (since you never know when you’re going to run into this person), that you would appreciate her keeping her music down because your job requires you to be an early riser. A reasonable person will understand, be willing to work with you, and adjust themselves. If she ignores your efforts to "make nice", then you can't work with her and refer to nastier options above... or just tell that b*tch to check herself! Just kidding. Don't jump to conclusions though if you don't get a response. If you're lucky, she might just feel stupid. It would be ideal if we could all cohabit Earth peacefully, but that's not reality. Not every living situation is ideal but just be grateful you don’t have her as a roommate. It could always be a lot worse. Reading up on other people's roommate horror stories can be comforting too. There are plenty out there. Delight in the fact that once you shut your door, your space is yours and yours alone. That’s a luxury many people can’t even afford so you might want to focus on that. Either way, whatever you decide to do, it's probably just to make yourself feel better because a person who bumps their music late night like that, is usually aware of it and just being selfish or cocky. Good luck and don’t forget that two can play that game...
I just moved into a new apartment. I really like it here. I have not lived in an apartment as nice and big as this before. I chose this location because it’s quiet. I’m from the suburbs and am used to quiet nights, but I wanted to experience city life. I have just discovered that my neighbor across the hall likes to keep late hours. This means she blasts her music and it goes on til the wee hours of the morning. I am so annoyed because I find it rude. I don’t know how to handle this problem without making things weird between me and her, when I haven’t even introduced myself yet. How should I approach this?
-Noisy Nights
Dear Noisy Nights,
Ah the good old selfish prick neighbor. Welcome to city life. This is a classic case of which most people can relate. There is strength in numbers here but it’s best to shop all your options. I’d say if you’re down right dirty, feel free to call the cops on her without warning and laugh as she gets busted. However, if you live in a really big city, they may not ever show up because they have way more serious priorities to tend to over a mere noise complaint. This tactic could also backfire on you regarding how many neighbors you have, because she may figure out who is responsible for ratting her out. You don't want this to turn into an ongoing vengeful battle reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men. Who knows who you are dealing with?! She could have a substance abuse problem for all you know, which isn't entirely unlikely. If you live in a big building, who cares if you have to tell her to shutup because you have to sleep, and that may be more important to you than making friends or seeking neighborly approval, which she can obviously relate to. Sometimes it’s best to nip this one in the butt. If you live in a smaller building, that could make things uncomfortable, but you may not run into her often and you don't owe her anything just because you live nearby. Look, she's not being "nice" by worrying about your feelings, so why should you waste your time worrying about hers? Don’t be afraid to confront her head-on, because if you don't take action, you're the one who is going to suffer. Meanwhile she is having a grand old time at your expense, doing whatever it is she can't refrain from doing during hours when most human beings function. Everyone likes to cut loose once in a while, but people who cling to it on a nightly basis tend to be unbalanced individuals. You don’t have time for this and she should know better. She might pretend she didn't realize how loud it was, and play the victim, but that's when you will know the extent of her character. Use it to your advantage. Like I said, you never know who you are dealing with. In an extreme case, she could end up being completely disrespectful and slam the door on your face, in which case, you will adjust your decision. But... she could just be a fun girl who often makes foolish mistakes (like the rest of us), in which case, you just made a new friend. Keep in mind that you are not obligated to be friends just because you inhabit the same building and this is ultimately an invasion of your privacy. Maybe you could rally with the others and share your frustration, and collectively assert her on the matter in some way. A letter in the lobby? Under her door? On her mailbox? Or a group visit! Ha! You do not have to get involved with her just because you complained about her noisiness. You may want to put in a call to your landlord but who knows how much they will care either. In NYC, the apartment vacancy turn-over rate is so high, most people keep to themselves and don’t even bother to get involved with neighbors unless they are really grounded and settled. Many people avoid neighboring inhabitants. If you don’t mind being assertive, go to her damn door, knock on it in your pajamas (making sure to look extra frazzled and disrupted) so she can clearly see you are trying to sleep, and ask her politely to turn it down. If you play the sympathy card, she may respond positively; "I always wished I was cool enough to be a nocturnal person, but it's not for me". If this is not a continuous habit of hers however, and only seems to occur on weekends, then maybe you can invest in some comfortable ear plugs and accept the fact that big cities are noisy and you have no control over it. If you’re feeling a little saucy, I might be tempted to write a note on her door asking her to let you know when she plans to actually sleep or have “quiet time” so that you can make sure to blast your music then. You might want to mention that you go to a Club when you want to feel the gyration of music, not to your home. However, if you are a courteous person who prefers more reasonable and tasteful tactics, you might want to simply tell her via note (since you never know when you’re going to run into this person), that you would appreciate her keeping her music down because your job requires you to be an early riser. A reasonable person will understand, be willing to work with you, and adjust themselves. If she ignores your efforts to "make nice", then you can't work with her and refer to nastier options above... or just tell that b*tch to check herself! Just kidding. Don't jump to conclusions though if you don't get a response. If you're lucky, she might just feel stupid. It would be ideal if we could all cohabit Earth peacefully, but that's not reality. Not every living situation is ideal but just be grateful you don’t have her as a roommate. It could always be a lot worse. Reading up on other people's roommate horror stories can be comforting too. There are plenty out there. Delight in the fact that once you shut your door, your space is yours and yours alone. That’s a luxury many people can’t even afford so you might want to focus on that. Either way, whatever you decide to do, it's probably just to make yourself feel better because a person who bumps their music late night like that, is usually aware of it and just being selfish or cocky. Good luck and don’t forget that two can play that game...
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