Dear Charlie,
I introduced my friend to a guy I work with and they have been dating for the past 3 months. I'm friends with the guy, but only through work. I don't know much about his personal life. My friend and I have been close for a long time. The other day, I saw him meet another girl outside of our building. They were in a very heated and passionate argument. From the looks of it, it seemed like they were romantically involved. I'm sure that my friend is unaware of whoever this girl is. Should I tell her or just stay out of it?
-Getting in the Middle
Dear Getting in the Middle,
You feel conflicted for obvious reasons. At the risk of becoming a snitch on your colleague, you feel a greater responsibility to protecting the heart of your friend. In this particular situation (friends with both of them), you are obligated to be honest with him yet protective of her. Loyalty to friends and partners is important, but that’s the whole point here. He is giving you reasons to believe that he is not loyal. Whatever he's got going on appears to be cause for concern. I feel that your obligation to be the eyes and ears of your girlfriend overrules. It's never safe to assume anything, but your eyes don't lie. Based on their body language, relationship dynamics were suggestive. The possibility exists that she could have been a sister upset about family matters, an old fling who just won’t go away, or a desperate homeless woman he has been helping. Most likely, she is exactly what you perceived her to be. Ask him about it. My guess is that you saw too much. You could approach him in a "not that it's any of my business but..." kind of way, and see what he has to say. Or you might tell him that you want to be a good friend to both of them; but that you feel she has the right to know if he's seeing someone else. Depending on how close you are with this guy, he may or may not confide in you, or divulge the truth. You must do the right thing. In this case, I feel that the right thing to do would be to tell your friend. Mention it casually as though you are not making assumptions. Let her decide what to do with the information you relayed to her. Besides, you are her friend. You want what’s best for her. Right? Real friends are there for each other; rooting for each others success. Naturally, if you witness someone in the act of betrayal against your friend, you should want to stand behind her. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be informed. Some people might believe you saw your coworker’s secret rendez vous for a reason. Some people might even say that your loyalty to your friend is being tested by a higher power. Spiritual views aside, you should be proudly loyal to your friend. You may decide that giving your colleague a heads up is a good idea. If you don't want to make him uncomfortable, there are ways to go about this gently. You don't have to corner him with interrogating questions; you can approach the situation with subtlety. Shoot him an email. Lay it on smooth and easy, maybe even with a twist of cutesy humor. "You're not messing around on my girl are you? Because I might have to hurt you hehehe…" If he doesn't have a sense of humor about it, then you might just say "Look, you're such a cool guy and I’m so happy my friend is dating you, but I'm just looking out for her...Does she need to be concerned about what I saw?" He may or may not acknowledge what has transpired, or even worse, he may be guilty and in denial. Remember, you don't know what's going on. You only know what you saw. If he gets defensive, tells you it's none of your business, or calls you a nark, then he is probably shady, immature and not to be trusted. Then you can go directly to your friend and tell her what you saw. If he is a decent and respectful guy, he may be good enough to come clean with you about the situation. If he says he will tell her on his own, make sure he does by following up. Do this by going to your friend in a suggestive kind of way, and probing her for any recent relationship stints. At that point, if she is oblivious, then he didn't tell her and it's on him because you confronted him. The cards were on the table. Confess to her what you saw and how you handled the situation. Explain that you gave him the chance to tell her but he didn’t take it. Hopefully he wasn’t planning on telling her after you have this conversation. Either way, you are in the middle because he put you there, either on purpose or by accident. Don't be ashamed of your friendships. Be publicly loyal to your friends. Let people know where you stand. Any reasonable person would understand what friendship and loyalty is all about. In fact, a reasonable person should expect loyalty in this case, because it goes with the territory. Definitely don't stay quiet. Not saying something breaks the code of friendship laws. By taking a passive stance in the matter, you keep your friend in the dark and make a fool of her. She would be very hurt to find out you saw something suspicious and didn’t report it. People who are straightforward have strong character. Go for it without hesitation. Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you prefer to live in fairyland with the help of a hollow "friend"?
