Dear Charlie,
My friend has a drinking problem. I really like my friend when she’s sober, but I can’t stand her when she’s drunk. I want nothing to do with her the minute she orders a drink, because I know she will not be able to have just one. She always exceeds her limits, and it’s embarrassing. I think this is distasteful and rude. I'm not trying to lose a friend, but I don’t know how to handle her when she gets like that.
-The Sober One
Dear Sober One,
Is this a recent habit of your friend? Or has she always been a drinker? Maybe it’s just a phase she’s going through, or maybe she’s got some deep issues she hasn’t worked out. Perhaps your friend’s drinking habits were tolerable before, but now they’re reaching new heights. If she is going through a hard time, then this is a really bad way of coping with it. She may need to talk to someone, but you are not obligated to be her therapist. Out of concern as her friend, it would be acceptable for you to tell her she has a problem. Confront your friend in a way that you are comfortable. Suggest making plans anywhere BUT a bar or restaurant where alcohol is accessible. Explain that excessive drinking is terribly unhealthy, and that you are worried about her well being. If she doesn’t appreciate your concern, then that’s too bad. She is putting you in a bad position with her intolerable conduct. You’re right; it’s distasteful, rude, and unfair to you, as well as herself. She needs to have more respect for herself, as well as you. Some people cannot have a drink without killing the entire bottle. If one drink immediately exceeds another, and soon your friend is inebriated, then stop hanging out with her. If that’s all she wants to do, then she is free to carry on without you. This is not a past time that you wish to par take in. If she is going to behave that way, then you are not obligated to keep her company. It’s good to take some responsibility for the people you care about, but at some point they have to help themselves. You can try to help, but if she doesn’t do the foot work, then your case is closed. Your friend has the same problem that many dysfunctional people have. Let me remind you that alcoholism is classified as a clinical disease. Many alcoholics will shut themselves off from their support systems, because they don’t want to be told that what they’re doing is unacceptable. This isolation combined with drinking associations, sets them up for disaster. Passivity towards this behavior sends the message that it is acceptable. Your friend needs an intervention, but ultimately no one can make her change if she insists on not taking care of herself. She has to want to change. Maybe you can try reaching out to her family and letting them know what she has been up to… If you confront her about her problem and she doesn’t take action to fix it, then the problem is out of your hands. It’s very hard to overcome this harmful addiction without professional help. It starts with a realization of the problem, followed by an acknowledgment that you have it, and a desire to change. It is not your job to become her personally life coach. You are her friend, and in being that you must bring it to her attention. You do not support her killing her liver and drowning her life in a bottle of booze(among other things). Tell her what she is doing to herself, her reputation, her body, her life, and how it makes you feel. Some people just choose to throw their lives away, but you don’t have to continue to associate with people who make poor decisions. Once you have tried to help, it is up to her. You don’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation she causes with her irresponsibility. Sometimes a friendship is better off frozen in time as a memory. People change for better, and sometimes for worse, but you can’t hold someone’s entire world up. They have to take action or else it becomes unhealthy for you. This is a dark path she has chosen to go down, and that is her choice. When a ship is sinking, it may drag you down with it...
