Dear Charlie,
My mom and I have always been close. I have 3 older sisters whom I’m not close with, but this doesn’t affect my bond with my mom. We talk all the time. Lately my mom has been pressing the issue of a family gathering. My older sisters and I have always been very different and don’t really get along. I usually excuse myself from visiting any of them because I live in a different state and my job doesn’t allow me a lot of vacation time. The problem is that my mom really wants us to all get together. I really don’t like being around my older sisters because of how they make me feel, but I want to please my mother. I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.
-Momma’s Girl
Dear Momma’s Girl,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you should allow yourself to keep avoiding them and bypassing all family events.
B) Maybe you were thinking “why couldn’t I have brothers”?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that it’s your right to talk to your family about how they make you feel.
D) I don’t think you are in denial about anything here… except that your sisters don’t respect you.
E) Maybe you weren’t aware that as an adult, you’re entitled to voice yourself to your sisters if they’re treating you poorly, because you deserve respect whether they like it or not.
It’s sweet of you be so considerate of their feelings, but ask yourself why? They apparently don’t worry about how they make you feel. Adult sibling rivalry is a drag. Sometimes the baby in the family has it easy because they tend to get special treatment and the older siblings take on a protective role, but not in your case. It would be big of you to put your feelings aside for your mom’s sake, because eventually there will be a wedding or baby shower (if there hasn’t been already), or God forbid a funeral. You will inevitably be stuck in the same room together at some point. When we are around family, we tend to regress because of our childhood history. The fact that you and your mom are so close perhaps makes them feel jealous that you are the favorite. This is a common issue that exists on different levels. An abundance of estrogen can be a good or bad thing in families. Not everyone is like Little Women. That’s not to say the dynamics would be any different if you had brothers instead. Perhaps there are some blame games and competition going on among them. You should accept that you can’t turn to your sisters for support, because you are most not likely going to get any. Come to terms with this fact and look for support elsewhere. Not everyone has a supportive family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, doing more damage than good, which is unfortunate. You have to work with what you have, but only to an extent. What you DON’T have to do, is keep taking people’s abusive treatment. Don’t allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Stop them by asserting yourself when it happens, and flat out explaining why you avoid family gatherings. You have every right to tell them why you’ve chosen not to see them regularly. They will either accept it, or pile on the hill of stones they are ready to throw at you. You are all adults now, so they are responsible for behaving as such. Some people want to use their younger sibling as a whipping post for the rest of eternity, but that’s not your job. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Throw the “blood is thicker than water” reasoning right out the window because it doesn’t always apply. Blood is thicker in many cases, but in some cases water is a cleaner option. Some families are horrible to each other. Try to work with it in an adult fashion, without taking their comments too personally. Based on how bad you have it, I would say to weigh out the situation as something workable or unhealthy. You may find them ridiculous and unable to break old habits, in which case you must practice some empowerment and cut the cord. It doesn’t sound like something you want to do, but some people have to demand respect in their families or walk away. You don’t have to answer to them. This could be a healthy option for you if you fell they are very emotionally abusive. You don’t need to carry that kind of weight around in your life. A major study done in the 90s, showed that 1/3 of the adult population described their sibling relations as distant rivalry. Your family is supposed to support you, not hurt you. Some siblings are just frozen in old habits and sometimes it’s just a loss cause. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but it is what it is. We are all just people in a crazy world any ways. Life is hard enough. I say voice yourself and be heard loud and clear. If you are disappointed by their response, move on from their burden. I also think you have valid excuses however to be missing these events, which adults should understand. Yes, family should be made a priority, but perhaps THEY are in denial about the reality of this sh!tty situation, and how little they respect you. One day you can build your own family.
