Dear Charlie,
I started my own business a year ago. We are located in a high traffic, touristy part of town. I’ve been doing well, given the current economic state of the country. This was a childhood dream of mine that I have been able to bring to life. This was a huge undertaking and takes up all my time. I work very hard. My sister has always belittled my accomplishments. She is a housewife whose husband completely supports her. I am not married and provide for myself. Now she wants to open a store similar to mine in a nearby area. She has always rivaled with me, but this takes the cake. I feel that this is the most competitive thing she could do. This store is the air I breathe. I am furious.
-Bad for Business
Dear Bad for Business,
I can imagine your frustration. Your sister probably didn’t like to share and harbors feelings of resentment. She still feels threatened by you so she tries to steal your thunder. She sounds like a real “one-upper”. Here you are slaving away over your life time ambition, only for your own sister to behave as an “I can do that too” rival. Once again, we have a case of adult sibling rivalry; the oldest feud in the book. There’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, but when it’s driven by a vengeance or jealousy, that’s when things get ugly. Families are known to make each other miserable, but you don’t have to succumb to obsessive neurotics. Look at actress sisters Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine. They were both beautiful celebrities of their time. It is written that their only continuous problem was with each other. They were often up for the same roles, and nominated for the same awards. Talk about uncomfortable. This is not an uncommon life theme. If your sister is going to be so insistent on joining you in the world of entrepreneurship, then it would make more sense for you to go into business together. Make the suggestion just to see her reaction. It’s not likely that she will buy into the idea based on her eagerness to outshine you. The fact that she would go through all the trouble to put you out, is a little on the neurotic side. You could take it as a compliment that you are an inspiration to her but perhaps no one bothers her more than you, because you are similar. She may be in denial about you, OR she may be completely aware of your worth and utterly bothered by it. Perhaps she goes through these motions, to cover up her insecurities and feelings of inadequacy around you. She rubs it in your face that she is taken care of. Let her talk all she wants, actions speak much louder. She may want to go into business, but meanwhile, you ARE in business. It is a business which you built from the ground up with no help from her. That is unique. What she would be doing, is building off of your already established idea. Since you were established first, you hopefully have had time to gain some returning customers. You’d be surprised how loyal people can be to the stores they like. If you built personal relationships with your customers, they are probably comfortable seeing a friendly and familiar face. I mean, is your sister really going to go through all the trouble? Does she have any idea how much work goes into starting a business? Is she sure she wants to do this? Maybe you can coax her out of it by negating the progress... If she does want to open a store, maybe you two are similar and should agree to sell similar but different merchandise. What about sister stores? It's like; "if she THINKS she can just...." snap her fingers and hire a designer? Pay employees to do all the work? Or how about recreate what you did with your own two hands? Then so be it. It’s a shabby stab at being a copy cat. You can always hold your head up knowing that YOU earned what you have. No one can take away what you have done and don’t allow her to. Put her in her place. Ask her if she aspires to put you out of business… because her idea is a dirty tactic that business rivals maneuver. If she brushes it off, press her to recognize it. This is not fun and games. This is your time, your income, your dream, your money, and your life’s work. I say to be up front with her, and don’t dance around the issue. If you play the game with her, it could become out of control and downright ridiculous. Don’t waste your energy. You don’t want to go there. Be honest with her. Tell her how she makes you feel. If you both end up exploding on each other, then you needed to release the tension that built up over the years. It could be very productive for your relationship. You may even find yourselves laughing when it’s over. People are just people. This is nothing so unforgivable that you can’t work through with a little confrontation. It’s uncomfortable and it’s not easy, but it can be worked out. You have the right to live just like she does, even if she came first. She needs to stop taking her feelings of inadequacy out on you. Be direct, because by not stating how she makes you feel and pretending that you’re not furious about this, will only send the message that her behavior is acceptable, which it is not. You don’t need this crap from her, you need her to be your friend and supporter, so let her know unless you don’t want it to stop. After you have been honest with her negative effect on you, compliment her on all the things she does well. Feed her confidence. This way you acknowledge that she has issues of self esteem. You do not have to apologize to her for being born. Depending on the severity of her issues, she may not find the inner strength to be what you need her to be. In that case, you may find it best for you to spend the least amount of time together as possible. if one thing is for sure, you cannot go on like this. You will feel better and rest better at night if you get it out. Sometimes an emotional eruption is necessary when your nerves have been blown up like a hot air balloon. You’re going to pop! When it’s over, you can breathe again. For comfort, I also recommend the following movies featuring adult sibling rivalry at its worst: 27 Dresses, In Her Shoes, The Other Boleyn Girl, Raising Helen, Cruel Intentions, Adaptation, and even The Godfather.
