Dear Charlie,
My wife and I are about to give birth to our second child. Since I named the first one, we agreed that my wife would name the second. The problem is that my wife is set on a particular name for the baby, which also happens to be the name of her X-boyfriend. Prior to our marriage, my wife was in a serious relationship with a guy from college whom she almost married. I am very bothered that she wants to name our child after him. She insists that she has always loved that name even before knowing him. I can’t help but feel there is some sort of sentimental attachment with the name connected to her X. Am I being unfair by asking her to pick another name?
-Soon to be Father
Dear Soon to be Father,
Firstly, congratulations on a second baby! This is an exciting time for everyone in your family, and a time for adjustment to change. Not to mention that your first born will now have to share mom and dad with a sibling. “What’s in a name, that which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet…?” Even though you both agreed to let your wife name your second child, the fact is that marriage is a team effort. You may have thought of the name the first time, but your wife agreed to it. Therefore, I think it's only fair that you permit her to suggest names this time (as you did the first time), but that you AGREE on one. Let her to come up with the options, but you have to agree. After all, it takes two to make a baby (in most cases). Marriage is a partnership in every direction, so no; I do not think it's unfair of you to ask her to pick another name, granted you feel the way you do about it. Here's a story to consider though... A friend of mine had a family member whom had done time in prison. Let’s call him “Lou”. She couldn’t stand Lou nor want anything to do with him. When she began dating, she would often meet men named Lou, and take that as a sign that they were wrong for her because she loathed her relative so much. However, one of her colleagues was named Lou, and she was unable to run away from him because she had to see him on a daily basis. He turned out to be one of the nicest and most decent men she knew. Today, they are dating. To think that her boyfriend shares the same name as a person she spent her life loathing is remarkable. There are different ways to look at it. Perhaps she would have preferred to shun that tainted name from her lips for all eternity? Or maybe she was willing to give the name a chance to take on a new meaning? In her case, one Lou replaced another. I assure you that if you do decide to go with the name your wife insists on, and when your son is born, he will become an individual apart from your wife’s X-boyfriend. He will be his own person, giving new life to a name you once disliked for personal reasons. Remember the fact that your wife picked you, not her X. You are her Romeo. I would push the idea of compromising on a similar but different name (if she likes it so much). Definitely explain to your wife how her decision makes you feel, if you haven’t already. Like you always hear; communication is key. She should listen with open ears and respect your feelings about it. I don’t know the details of her history with her X, but is it possible that these feelings are stemming from a current trust issue? It sounds like you are concerned that your wife still harbors feelings for her X. If so, you need to address that and work on it particularly. This could have something to do with the faith you have in your wife, or be feeding an insecurity you have with her past. In the aftermath, whoever your baby will be, he will be a new person all his own!
