Dear Charlie,
I have a relative who is a serious talker. As soon as I answer her call, she proceeds to blab for 15-20 minutes without interruption. I can’t get a word in! I usually just put the phone on speaker and let her rant until it’s over. I like her because she can be very supportive and helpful, but she never stops talking! She talks about her issues and every detail of her day over and over again. She’s like this with everyone, but nobody has the heart to tell her because they pity her. She has issues. I think it’s selfish the way she doesn’t shut up, but I too feel compassion for her being alone at an age when most people are married with children. Lately I have been avoiding her because I just can’t take the chatter any more. It’s irritating and I have been listening to it for so long. How can I make her stop?
-Chatty Cathy’s Cousin
Dear Chatty Cathy’s Cousin,
From the (non-stop) sounds of it, this is d@mn n"ear" abuse. It literally sounds like your Chatty Cathy needs a lesson in the fundamentals of CONVERSATION. Conversing is a give and take form of communication. Your frustration with her is totally understandable. You must have learned that any efforts to interrupt her are useless, as she has borrowed your ear far too much. She is not having a conversation with you, but instead is giving you the privilege of listening to her talk to herself out loud. Lucky you! You must be a professional listener by now. There are many helpful tools that abundant talkers may use to communicate in a more socially graceful manner. Someone who is told they talk too much should ask themselves if it’s worth it to rant and rave, at the risk of pissing off their listener. People, who have friends (and keep them), remain aware of their social effect on others. They respect the nonverbal messages that others give them. For example, if someone sighs, yawns, or looks tired and unengaged, it’s a sign that they are no longer interested in listening for whatever reason. If someone looks away or responds with a distracted “uh huh” while you are talking to them, that would be another sign. It would then behoove you to acknowledge your listener’s non verbal messages, and respect them for future conversation. Look, everyone wants to be heard and feel respected, but having a conversation is a mutual respect of give and take. We all have things to say, but we need to share the spotlight when it comes to talking. It should never just be about us. In a conversation, we talk, listen, get feedback and give feedback. It sounds like your cousin is very lonely and missing some key elements in her life. She may have gotten comfortable clinging to you, because you have allowed her to babble on and on each time she calls. You are her rock at the moment. Your patient listening has given her the message that it’s ok to “blah blah blah”, so she will not change as long as you don’t speak up. Selfish people tend to think that if they talk enough, others will give them what they want; be it more attention, understanding etc. However, the irony is that you actually get more from being a good listener too. Chatty Cathy is a needy and relentless type when it comes to borrowing other people’s ears and time. She’s unaware of how ridiculous it is to chatter incessantly, without giving people the chance to respond or interject their thoughts and opinions. Perhaps she goes about her day in a quiet manner and then makes it a habit to vent on you. Or maybe she divulges her detailed life to everyone she comes in contact with. Some Chatty Cathys will sit down at a restaurant and within minutes, their waiter has heard their life story. My guess is that C.C. would benefit greatly from therapy. A therapist is a trained professional with years of experience and education in how to handle people’s issues. She sounds like she needs somewhere to put all of that. It’s unfortunate that she is alone, but a lot of people are. If she’s having a tough time dealing with it, I think a therapist would help direct her to reaching more productive life goals and dreams. Don’t take her calls all the time and when you do, explain that you have things to do and can’t talk long. Put boundaries on the conversation and when she starts to ramble, interrupt her and explain that you don’t have much time to talk. She will get the message. If you are willing to be blunt with her and care about her mental health, then explain to her in a heart to heart that you love her and want her to be happy, but that sometimes she tends to ramble for too long. Tell her that you recommend she talk to a professional because you are a fan of mental health professionals and feel she would benefit. Tell her proactive and empowering pros to seeking this kind of help, and ultimately helping herself. Approach the issue with sensitivity, but do approach it because otherwise, you will be going in circles on Chatty Cathy’s merry-go-round.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Mooching Friend
Dear Charlie,
My friend lost her job about 6 months ago and has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Around the same time, her boyfriend broke up with her so she is really depressed. She hasn't found a job yet, and doesn't pay me rent. I am basically supporting her right now out of pity. When I suggest that she work at a restaurant that's hiring wait staff, she says she will be miserable working that kind of job and refuses to apply. Meanwhile, I am stuck with the burden of paying for her food and life! How can I motivate my friend to get off the couch and stop being so depressed!?
-The Crutch
Dear The Crutch,
There’s asking for help, and then there’s mooching. When someone on the receiving end stops giving back over a period of time, they are classified as a “mooch”. Mooch, mooch, mooch! Your charitable efforts to help your friend have been very kind and good hearted, however this may go on for an undetermined or even infinite amount of time. In the ambitious process of putting someone's life back together, we can only do so much. At some point the people we are trying to help, have to help themselves. Your friend has exceeded that point. They say a friend who keeps pushing the limits, is not really a friend at all. People who will continue to excuse this behavior are typically self centered and selfish. You say she has been staying there for 6 months? That is MORE than a sufficient amount of time for her to mourn the loss of a job and boyfriend. It’s time to draw the line sister. You have made it easy for her to get comfortable despite her misfortune that would land some people on the street. She is very lucky to have a friend like you who has been there for her, but you don't want your efforts to save her to land you in the poor house too. It's like when a ship is sinking; you have to put your life jacket on before you try to save others, or else the ship will drag you down with it! Your friend's current life misfortunes are dragging you down with her. It's time for her to buck up and assume responsibility over her life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. A lot of people have been forced to take unlikely jobs in this time of recession. I know a lady who was the Vice President of a major Corporation, whom is now working at a coffee shop until tough times blow over. This is just the reality of many people right now in our economy. Thanks to your kindness, your friend has been given the opportunity to "ride out the storm" in ways that most people would not. Hopefully she is grateful and appreciative of what you have done for her, but it doesn’t sound like it. You have provided for her in her time of need. As adults, we learn to adapt to situations and make the most of what life hands to us. It's time to sit down with your friend, and show her some tough love. If you don’t assert her on this, it will not change. As difficult as it is to do, you must be brutally honest with her because that is the only way she will be motivated to take action. Right now she feels there are no repercussions for her non-actions of laziness. It's easy to dwell or sulk in sorrow when life has gotten hard. When it rains it pours but it's not your job to hold someone's entire world up. A friendship is a give and take, and although she may be a long time friend going through hard times, she has to do her part. If she is unwilling, then you may discover that she is no longer a friend. You may need a support system around you to have an intervention with her. Talk to her calmly and explain the reality which is that you and she cannot go on like this. Tell her that you are suffering financially and that you have cared about her wellbeing and happiness, but she has to get a job now and somewhere to live. This was a temporary situation that has turned into a permanent one. Give her a deadline, or else she will get comfortable talking about it for several more months. Tell her that you have provided a roof, food, and a bed for her for the past 6 months. Explain that you work very hard to make money to support your lifestyle and that you can't afford to support someone else. This is not an unreasonable argument and if she doesn't understand, then that's too bad. She needs to take responsibility. She must show her strength of character now by getting her life together. You have given her all the resources, it's up to her to now to be an adult and face life. We all know the adjustment phase into assuming adult position is tough, but we all do it. Your pocket doesn't need to suffer as though it’s providing for kids you don't even have. Don’t you deserve better than this? Have a heart to heart, and be honest about how all of this makes you feel. You can't go wrong if you stick to the facts. Besides, what will she do if one of your relatives wants to visit? Where would they stay? Maybe you should have someone come to stay with you just to get her out of there. Hopefully she won’t be impossible! You need to burn that candle beneath her. She is not doing her part right now in the friendship, nor in life, and your couch will not be available for her to sleep on forever. She has become dysfunctional. We can’t control the elements around us, but we can control how we respond to them. It's beyond your capabilities to handle all of her issues. As for her depression, she will need professional help for her mental wellness. If one thing is for sure, a healthy diet paired with regular exercise is known to snap some people into a good mood. When she starts to take control over her life and display initiative, she will feel more confident and functional. Until that happens, she will remain a mess. It is NOT YOUR JOB to fix her. Got it? You are neither her life coach nor personal assistant. You are her friend, and she needs to return the favor and be your friend too, and stop leaning on you and crutching on you so much. Tell her firmly that SHE HAS TO GO by X date. PERIOD. Give her about a month or so to find a living situation (which may include a roommate), and a job. Give her a chance to change but you WILL NOT go on like this.
My friend lost her job about 6 months ago and has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Around the same time, her boyfriend broke up with her so she is really depressed. She hasn't found a job yet, and doesn't pay me rent. I am basically supporting her right now out of pity. When I suggest that she work at a restaurant that's hiring wait staff, she says she will be miserable working that kind of job and refuses to apply. Meanwhile, I am stuck with the burden of paying for her food and life! How can I motivate my friend to get off the couch and stop being so depressed!?
-The Crutch
Dear The Crutch,
There’s asking for help, and then there’s mooching. When someone on the receiving end stops giving back over a period of time, they are classified as a “mooch”. Mooch, mooch, mooch! Your charitable efforts to help your friend have been very kind and good hearted, however this may go on for an undetermined or even infinite amount of time. In the ambitious process of putting someone's life back together, we can only do so much. At some point the people we are trying to help, have to help themselves. Your friend has exceeded that point. They say a friend who keeps pushing the limits, is not really a friend at all. People who will continue to excuse this behavior are typically self centered and selfish. You say she has been staying there for 6 months? That is MORE than a sufficient amount of time for her to mourn the loss of a job and boyfriend. It’s time to draw the line sister. You have made it easy for her to get comfortable despite her misfortune that would land some people on the street. She is very lucky to have a friend like you who has been there for her, but you don't want your efforts to save her to land you in the poor house too. It's like when a ship is sinking; you have to put your life jacket on before you try to save others, or else the ship will drag you down with it! Your friend's current life misfortunes are dragging you down with her. It's time for her to buck up and assume responsibility over her life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. A lot of people have been forced to take unlikely jobs in this time of recession. I know a lady who was the Vice President of a major Corporation, whom is now working at a coffee shop until tough times blow over. This is just the reality of many people right now in our economy. Thanks to your kindness, your friend has been given the opportunity to "ride out the storm" in ways that most people would not. Hopefully she is grateful and appreciative of what you have done for her, but it doesn’t sound like it. You have provided for her in her time of need. As adults, we learn to adapt to situations and make the most of what life hands to us. It's time to sit down with your friend, and show her some tough love. If you don’t assert her on this, it will not change. As difficult as it is to do, you must be brutally honest with her because that is the only way she will be motivated to take action. Right now she feels there are no repercussions for her non-actions of laziness. It's easy to dwell or sulk in sorrow when life has gotten hard. When it rains it pours but it's not your job to hold someone's entire world up. A friendship is a give and take, and although she may be a long time friend going through hard times, she has to do her part. If she is unwilling, then you may discover that she is no longer a friend. You may need a support system around you to have an intervention with her. Talk to her calmly and explain the reality which is that you and she cannot go on like this. Tell her that you are suffering financially and that you have cared about her wellbeing and happiness, but she has to get a job now and somewhere to live. This was a temporary situation that has turned into a permanent one. Give her a deadline, or else she will get comfortable talking about it for several more months. Tell her that you have provided a roof, food, and a bed for her for the past 6 months. Explain that you work very hard to make money to support your lifestyle and that you can't afford to support someone else. This is not an unreasonable argument and if she doesn't understand, then that's too bad. She needs to take responsibility. She must show her strength of character now by getting her life together. You have given her all the resources, it's up to her to now to be an adult and face life. We all know the adjustment phase into assuming adult position is tough, but we all do it. Your pocket doesn't need to suffer as though it’s providing for kids you don't even have. Don’t you deserve better than this? Have a heart to heart, and be honest about how all of this makes you feel. You can't go wrong if you stick to the facts. Besides, what will she do if one of your relatives wants to visit? Where would they stay? Maybe you should have someone come to stay with you just to get her out of there. Hopefully she won’t be impossible! You need to burn that candle beneath her. She is not doing her part right now in the friendship, nor in life, and your couch will not be available for her to sleep on forever. She has become dysfunctional. We can’t control the elements around us, but we can control how we respond to them. It's beyond your capabilities to handle all of her issues. As for her depression, she will need professional help for her mental wellness. If one thing is for sure, a healthy diet paired with regular exercise is known to snap some people into a good mood. When she starts to take control over her life and display initiative, she will feel more confident and functional. Until that happens, she will remain a mess. It is NOT YOUR JOB to fix her. Got it? You are neither her life coach nor personal assistant. You are her friend, and she needs to return the favor and be your friend too, and stop leaning on you and crutching on you so much. Tell her firmly that SHE HAS TO GO by X date. PERIOD. Give her about a month or so to find a living situation (which may include a roommate), and a job. Give her a chance to change but you WILL NOT go on like this.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Rude Parents
Dear Charlie,
I don’t have any children, but my fiancé and I plan to one day. What bothers me is a rude mom. Yesterday we were in an ice cream parlor, and a woman came in with her daughter and husband. Her daughter appeared to be around age 6 or so. They were a young and well dressed family, but they got on our sh*t list really quick. When the little girl ran up to the counter and cut in front of several people, her mother did not correct her. In fact, she praised her and acted as though she was more important than everyone else. Now their whole family had cut the line too, and was standing directly behind us. Then, clearly seeing that we had not yet ordered, the mom proceeded to order from behind us, as though we weren’t even there! Isn’t that annoying?! What should I have done?
-Not a Mom
Dear Not a Mom,
Yes, that is annoying. It is also rude, selfish, obnoxious, and poor mannered. I’m giddy that you have written to me to validate your irritation, which is so completely and undeniably legitimate. I wish you had called her out. I understand your apprehension, but you could have politely said “excuse me, we were in front of you and you’ll have to wait your turn”. That would be completely acceptable of you to say, even in front of a child. The parenting skills you witnessed are an exact example of what you should strive NOT to be, when you someday take on the great challenge of parenting. She should have showed her daughter how to respect others, but instead she set a bad example. What happened to teaching our children the message that everyone in the world matters? It’s such a tacky (and ugly) trait when a mother only shows concern for her own child’s comfort and well being, and disregards everyone else. The mother you witnessed sounds like she has a superiority complex. I love how she enforced her little brat’s behavior by continued to rudely ignore the fact that there was a line of equally valuable people who were there before her. These are the moms who are so stuck in their own little world of parenting that nobody else matters outside of their family circle. They walk around with the attitude that “I only care about the people I am related to and whom I bore”. They seem to view all other people as a distraction or interruption to their daily life. They make every exception in the world for their child’s bad behavior, and are very demanding on other people. Everyone is aware of their rudeness and lack of regard. However they use it to their advantage that no one wants to cause a scene or call them out in front of their child. This is how they get away with it. They pass on their superior mentality to their children. Then they condone their child’s poor manners by feeding into their every whim; permitting them to behave badly without explanation. They are teaching their children the wrong messages. Nothing spells S-P-O-I-L-E-D like a daunting Mother or Father who only has eyes for their own offspring. There’s loving, there’s doting, and then there’s just plain spoiling. I mean really, how selfish can some parents be? To answer that question, the sky is the limit. I have seen parents be so completely self centered and unaware of themselves that it’s despicable. Doting parents need to ask themselves: is your child really the only person who matters on the planet? If you have answered; “Well they must be, since they came from me”, then you are in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. In other words, get over yourself. Parents like this are on my “sh*t list” too. Self centered parents assume they are entitled to take precedence over everyone else. They seem to think that no one else in the world could possibly be as valuable as they are. Due to the fact that you are aware of yourself, your surroundings, and the feelings of others, you will not be a Mom like this. Be thankful that you have such lovely traits to be able to call this crappy attitude out, and next time speak up. Even if you don’t get the response you were hoping for, you will feel better. Someone needs to set an example to the younger generations of how to be respectful in public. We learn from women like this, not to repeat their mistakes. I’d say assess the situation next time this happens, but be prepared (and be proud) to assert yourself and correct a rude parent in public. You can be the bigger person by politely showing them that this behavior is not publically acceptable and won’t be tolerated (at least in your presence). Remember, a passive attitude sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. The only way to correct it is to say something. Some parents are no better or more mature than their children.
I don’t have any children, but my fiancé and I plan to one day. What bothers me is a rude mom. Yesterday we were in an ice cream parlor, and a woman came in with her daughter and husband. Her daughter appeared to be around age 6 or so. They were a young and well dressed family, but they got on our sh*t list really quick. When the little girl ran up to the counter and cut in front of several people, her mother did not correct her. In fact, she praised her and acted as though she was more important than everyone else. Now their whole family had cut the line too, and was standing directly behind us. Then, clearly seeing that we had not yet ordered, the mom proceeded to order from behind us, as though we weren’t even there! Isn’t that annoying?! What should I have done?
-Not a Mom
Dear Not a Mom,
Yes, that is annoying. It is also rude, selfish, obnoxious, and poor mannered. I’m giddy that you have written to me to validate your irritation, which is so completely and undeniably legitimate. I wish you had called her out. I understand your apprehension, but you could have politely said “excuse me, we were in front of you and you’ll have to wait your turn”. That would be completely acceptable of you to say, even in front of a child. The parenting skills you witnessed are an exact example of what you should strive NOT to be, when you someday take on the great challenge of parenting. She should have showed her daughter how to respect others, but instead she set a bad example. What happened to teaching our children the message that everyone in the world matters? It’s such a tacky (and ugly) trait when a mother only shows concern for her own child’s comfort and well being, and disregards everyone else. The mother you witnessed sounds like she has a superiority complex. I love how she enforced her little brat’s behavior by continued to rudely ignore the fact that there was a line of equally valuable people who were there before her. These are the moms who are so stuck in their own little world of parenting that nobody else matters outside of their family circle. They walk around with the attitude that “I only care about the people I am related to and whom I bore”. They seem to view all other people as a distraction or interruption to their daily life. They make every exception in the world for their child’s bad behavior, and are very demanding on other people. Everyone is aware of their rudeness and lack of regard. However they use it to their advantage that no one wants to cause a scene or call them out in front of their child. This is how they get away with it. They pass on their superior mentality to their children. Then they condone their child’s poor manners by feeding into their every whim; permitting them to behave badly without explanation. They are teaching their children the wrong messages. Nothing spells S-P-O-I-L-E-D like a daunting Mother or Father who only has eyes for their own offspring. There’s loving, there’s doting, and then there’s just plain spoiling. I mean really, how selfish can some parents be? To answer that question, the sky is the limit. I have seen parents be so completely self centered and unaware of themselves that it’s despicable. Doting parents need to ask themselves: is your child really the only person who matters on the planet? If you have answered; “Well they must be, since they came from me”, then you are in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. In other words, get over yourself. Parents like this are on my “sh*t list” too. Self centered parents assume they are entitled to take precedence over everyone else. They seem to think that no one else in the world could possibly be as valuable as they are. Due to the fact that you are aware of yourself, your surroundings, and the feelings of others, you will not be a Mom like this. Be thankful that you have such lovely traits to be able to call this crappy attitude out, and next time speak up. Even if you don’t get the response you were hoping for, you will feel better. Someone needs to set an example to the younger generations of how to be respectful in public. We learn from women like this, not to repeat their mistakes. I’d say assess the situation next time this happens, but be prepared (and be proud) to assert yourself and correct a rude parent in public. You can be the bigger person by politely showing them that this behavior is not publically acceptable and won’t be tolerated (at least in your presence). Remember, a passive attitude sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. The only way to correct it is to say something. Some parents are no better or more mature than their children.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A Girlfriend's Insecurities
Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend is so insecure it's driving me crazy. When we first started dating, I was still hanging out with my ex girlfriend. When she found out, she demanded that I stop talking to her. Now I no longer speak to my ex, but my girlfriend can't let it go. I love her and we have been together for 1 and 1/2 years, but she's always jealous of any female who interacts with me. I just can't deal with her when she gets like that. I am a nice guy, and I don't deserve this jealousy.
-Nice Guy
Dear Nice Guy,
I believe what you say is true; your girlfriend cannot let go of what happened. On the other hand, you displayed a behavior early on which gave her cause for concern. Since it was the beginning of your relationship when the foundation of trust is built, your relationship has sort of progressed prematurely. It's like entering into a dark room without a flashlight. You're going to bump into things for a while until your eyes adjust, as opposed to seeing clearly from the point of entry. A relationship needs a solid foundation in order to evolve in a healthy and productive way. Some people don't realize how the beginning sets a tone for the course of trust. While it is true that the beginning of the process is about growing together, learning to understand each other and getting to know each other, it is also an imperative time to the evolution of you as a couple. You showed your girlfriend that you are capable of being involved with (or maybe even having feelings for) more than one girl at a time. That would make me nervous about my relationship too. it sounds like her worrying has escalated into paranoia. I don't know the extent of what the terms for "hanging out" mean to you (in regards to your ex), but it's definately playing with fire to keep old lovers around. That being said, I feel your girlfriends feelings are valid, but that it has created a dysfuction between the two of you. It's time to step back. Successful relationships involve meeting each others needs. She does need to forgive you for the past, but you also need to show her that you are truly sorry and ready to move forward with her. Perhaps you are not giving her enough to hold onto. Some women are very naturally emotionally needy, but sometimes there's a good reason for why they are not feeling fulfilled. When someone we are dating doesn't give us anything to hold onto, it's easy to let go or remain suspicious about their intentions. It also doesn't help that you hid hanging out with your ex from her, and thus she discovered it on her own. This unpleasant surprise can make or break you. She chose to keep you around (obviously), but maybe she was never really certain of what you are capable of? Relationships are challenging enough without trust foundation issues getting in the way. Sometimes we stay in a relationship after it has been damaged, like swallowing a pill without being sure of how it will effect us. I'm not sure you two are a good fit if you aren't willing to take responsibility for having fed into her insecurities. An apology is appreciated and effective, but you have to understand that these are the repurcussions for your actions. Your relationship slate is not entirely clean. Perhaps you need to start over, take a step back, and get to knnow each other all over again. You say you are a nice guy, which may be true, but you have to understand trust; how it is built, how it develops, and how it crumbles. You are both standing on an unsolid foundation right now. If you are basing your relationship on the will power of emotional whims, that is not going to withstand the test of time. A long term, mature, life time companionship consists of solid foundations, mutual respect and understanding. People grow and mature over time, but a lot of relationships become too damaged to function after they are dragged through the process of trial and err. You made a mistake, she needs to forgive you, but you both need to work on the trust here, especially you (whom is responsible). Words sound great, but you have to SHOW her that you are serious about her. The fact that you are writing to me, means that you care and want to work on this. That is great! I think her personality responds this way to that kind of behavior. It is a result of your previous actions. Your relationship is still very young and new despite what you may think. It's hard for people to understand each other sometimes, but really try to put yourself in her shoes. If you can't fathom why she might worry about your intentions with other women after what transpired, then perhaps you both have more growing to do. Let's just hope you don't become too hurt by each other to carry on by the time you reach a higher level of emotional maturity. That would be the goal.
My girlfriend is so insecure it's driving me crazy. When we first started dating, I was still hanging out with my ex girlfriend. When she found out, she demanded that I stop talking to her. Now I no longer speak to my ex, but my girlfriend can't let it go. I love her and we have been together for 1 and 1/2 years, but she's always jealous of any female who interacts with me. I just can't deal with her when she gets like that. I am a nice guy, and I don't deserve this jealousy.
-Nice Guy
Dear Nice Guy,
I believe what you say is true; your girlfriend cannot let go of what happened. On the other hand, you displayed a behavior early on which gave her cause for concern. Since it was the beginning of your relationship when the foundation of trust is built, your relationship has sort of progressed prematurely. It's like entering into a dark room without a flashlight. You're going to bump into things for a while until your eyes adjust, as opposed to seeing clearly from the point of entry. A relationship needs a solid foundation in order to evolve in a healthy and productive way. Some people don't realize how the beginning sets a tone for the course of trust. While it is true that the beginning of the process is about growing together, learning to understand each other and getting to know each other, it is also an imperative time to the evolution of you as a couple. You showed your girlfriend that you are capable of being involved with (or maybe even having feelings for) more than one girl at a time. That would make me nervous about my relationship too. it sounds like her worrying has escalated into paranoia. I don't know the extent of what the terms for "hanging out" mean to you (in regards to your ex), but it's definately playing with fire to keep old lovers around. That being said, I feel your girlfriends feelings are valid, but that it has created a dysfuction between the two of you. It's time to step back. Successful relationships involve meeting each others needs. She does need to forgive you for the past, but you also need to show her that you are truly sorry and ready to move forward with her. Perhaps you are not giving her enough to hold onto. Some women are very naturally emotionally needy, but sometimes there's a good reason for why they are not feeling fulfilled. When someone we are dating doesn't give us anything to hold onto, it's easy to let go or remain suspicious about their intentions. It also doesn't help that you hid hanging out with your ex from her, and thus she discovered it on her own. This unpleasant surprise can make or break you. She chose to keep you around (obviously), but maybe she was never really certain of what you are capable of? Relationships are challenging enough without trust foundation issues getting in the way. Sometimes we stay in a relationship after it has been damaged, like swallowing a pill without being sure of how it will effect us. I'm not sure you two are a good fit if you aren't willing to take responsibility for having fed into her insecurities. An apology is appreciated and effective, but you have to understand that these are the repurcussions for your actions. Your relationship slate is not entirely clean. Perhaps you need to start over, take a step back, and get to knnow each other all over again. You say you are a nice guy, which may be true, but you have to understand trust; how it is built, how it develops, and how it crumbles. You are both standing on an unsolid foundation right now. If you are basing your relationship on the will power of emotional whims, that is not going to withstand the test of time. A long term, mature, life time companionship consists of solid foundations, mutual respect and understanding. People grow and mature over time, but a lot of relationships become too damaged to function after they are dragged through the process of trial and err. You made a mistake, she needs to forgive you, but you both need to work on the trust here, especially you (whom is responsible). Words sound great, but you have to SHOW her that you are serious about her. The fact that you are writing to me, means that you care and want to work on this. That is great! I think her personality responds this way to that kind of behavior. It is a result of your previous actions. Your relationship is still very young and new despite what you may think. It's hard for people to understand each other sometimes, but really try to put yourself in her shoes. If you can't fathom why she might worry about your intentions with other women after what transpired, then perhaps you both have more growing to do. Let's just hope you don't become too hurt by each other to carry on by the time you reach a higher level of emotional maturity. That would be the goal.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Ridiculous Baby Names
Dear Charlie,
My husband’s family has been known for ridiculous baby names. His sister’s names are Rain and Venus, and their children are named Victory and Lotus. You don’t even want to know what my boyfriend’s name is! Despite their hippy names, these people are not as weird as they sound. My issue is that I’m pregnant with our first child. They are already suggesting silly names like Zolt or Helmut for a guy, and Ocean Blue or Prairie Flower for a girl. How can I protect my child’s identity from becoming another weirdo name in the family?
-Properly Named
Dear Properly Named,
Talk about offbeat. On that note, why don’t we just name our children after the My Little Ponies? Those names are almost as bad as celebrity kids “Moon Unit”, “Pilot Inspektor”, and “Audio Science”. Some people never shed their childhood fantasies and carry these name preferences over into adulthood. In our nation boasting of “liberty and freedom”, it is your right as a parent to name your child anything you want. You could essentially name your child Boob and that would be legal. Thus a baby is at the mercy of parental sanity and rationale. Granted that the support systems remains intact, children are likely to be influenced by their parents and adopt similar personality traits. This explains your husbands family. A supportive family may pass down generations of quirky names for years and years to come. Eccentric names add spice to a common list, but beyond what looks good (to some) on paper, they can just sound loony in the world of David, John, Michael, Jennifer, Sarah, Samantha, and Ashley. People often hope that if they name their kid something really unusual, they will turn out to be an equally unique individual. There may be some truth behind this theory in the journey of establishing one’s identity, but in many cases the child undergoes traumatizing teasing amongst peers. With the ambition that a child will become a world renowned artist of sorts, the chance that a girl named “Camera” will follow a career into law or real estate also exists. Then again, how many attorneys do you know who bear names like “Poppyseed”, “Heaven”, or “Rocket”? I’m pretty sure Dr. Bubbles McHenry PhD could only exist in a fictional children’s book. Thus, the name game is an extension of our parent’s reality and sometimes even their personal fantasy. People will live vicariously through their children, or name them accordingly to their long lost dream of becoming a celebrity. They think; “if I were famous, I would change my name to “Velvet ”. They think that they are doing their child a favor by naming them that, but their child could become someone totally different from them and resent their name. It's true that some parents are thinking of themselves when they name their babies. Meanwhile, some of us want our children to establish their own identities without imposing on their journey by giving them a wacky title (that sounds cool at the moment). It's hard to fit in when your name is "Lightening", but then again, the strength of a person's character is measured by how well we adapt to life experiences. Maybe Lightening will become as strong as a lightening bolt by rising above the name calling? It’s human nature to nurture oneself and find value in your name regardless of others take on it. Different strokes for different folks. Your child's name is your call as the Mother, and you will have the final say (with your husband's approval). They can name their children anything they want, but YOU have all the right in the world to name YOUR child whatever YOU want. Your husband and you should decide together on a name, and compromise. If he only likes these kinds of names, then suggest some names that have a quirky flare without being so far-fetched. Maybe you can compromise on a more main stream first name and a quirky middle name. This way you give the child the freedom to go by their first or middle name depending on their personality. Ultimately, it’s your decision. Let his family make all the suggestions they want, and simply smile and nod. If they push you to pick a name, simply firmly tell them “WE haven’t decided yet.” When it comes time to have the baby, you will decide on your own and present it to them after its official and they have no say in the matter. Don’t sweat their silly suggestions, and proudly stand your ground on your own suggestions. You are allowed to have your own taste apart from them. You are in their family, but you were an individual before you knew them and you are entitled to have differences. You can respectfully agree to disagree. Marriage is a partnership and so is everything that comes with it. It’s not their place to decide what your child’s name will be. That’s between you and your husband, of which you must come to a shared agreement.
My husband’s family has been known for ridiculous baby names. His sister’s names are Rain and Venus, and their children are named Victory and Lotus. You don’t even want to know what my boyfriend’s name is! Despite their hippy names, these people are not as weird as they sound. My issue is that I’m pregnant with our first child. They are already suggesting silly names like Zolt or Helmut for a guy, and Ocean Blue or Prairie Flower for a girl. How can I protect my child’s identity from becoming another weirdo name in the family?
-Properly Named
Dear Properly Named,
Talk about offbeat. On that note, why don’t we just name our children after the My Little Ponies? Those names are almost as bad as celebrity kids “Moon Unit”, “Pilot Inspektor”, and “Audio Science”. Some people never shed their childhood fantasies and carry these name preferences over into adulthood. In our nation boasting of “liberty and freedom”, it is your right as a parent to name your child anything you want. You could essentially name your child Boob and that would be legal. Thus a baby is at the mercy of parental sanity and rationale. Granted that the support systems remains intact, children are likely to be influenced by their parents and adopt similar personality traits. This explains your husbands family. A supportive family may pass down generations of quirky names for years and years to come. Eccentric names add spice to a common list, but beyond what looks good (to some) on paper, they can just sound loony in the world of David, John, Michael, Jennifer, Sarah, Samantha, and Ashley. People often hope that if they name their kid something really unusual, they will turn out to be an equally unique individual. There may be some truth behind this theory in the journey of establishing one’s identity, but in many cases the child undergoes traumatizing teasing amongst peers. With the ambition that a child will become a world renowned artist of sorts, the chance that a girl named “Camera” will follow a career into law or real estate also exists. Then again, how many attorneys do you know who bear names like “Poppyseed”, “Heaven”, or “Rocket”? I’m pretty sure Dr. Bubbles McHenry PhD could only exist in a fictional children’s book. Thus, the name game is an extension of our parent’s reality and sometimes even their personal fantasy. People will live vicariously through their children, or name them accordingly to their long lost dream of becoming a celebrity. They think; “if I were famous, I would change my name to “Velvet ”. They think that they are doing their child a favor by naming them that, but their child could become someone totally different from them and resent their name. It's true that some parents are thinking of themselves when they name their babies. Meanwhile, some of us want our children to establish their own identities without imposing on their journey by giving them a wacky title (that sounds cool at the moment). It's hard to fit in when your name is "Lightening", but then again, the strength of a person's character is measured by how well we adapt to life experiences. Maybe Lightening will become as strong as a lightening bolt by rising above the name calling? It’s human nature to nurture oneself and find value in your name regardless of others take on it. Different strokes for different folks. Your child's name is your call as the Mother, and you will have the final say (with your husband's approval). They can name their children anything they want, but YOU have all the right in the world to name YOUR child whatever YOU want. Your husband and you should decide together on a name, and compromise. If he only likes these kinds of names, then suggest some names that have a quirky flare without being so far-fetched. Maybe you can compromise on a more main stream first name and a quirky middle name. This way you give the child the freedom to go by their first or middle name depending on their personality. Ultimately, it’s your decision. Let his family make all the suggestions they want, and simply smile and nod. If they push you to pick a name, simply firmly tell them “WE haven’t decided yet.” When it comes time to have the baby, you will decide on your own and present it to them after its official and they have no say in the matter. Don’t sweat their silly suggestions, and proudly stand your ground on your own suggestions. You are allowed to have your own taste apart from them. You are in their family, but you were an individual before you knew them and you are entitled to have differences. You can respectfully agree to disagree. Marriage is a partnership and so is everything that comes with it. It’s not their place to decide what your child’s name will be. That’s between you and your husband, of which you must come to a shared agreement.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Nudist Mom
Dear Charlie,
When I was a kid, my mother taught us to be comfortable with our bodies. We often saw her naked as she would change with the door open or go to the bathroom in front of us. Nobody made a big deal out of it then, but as I got older I realized that it was not common in other households. That’s when I started to voice my discomfort. Yet still my Mother would continue to "forget" to wear underwear or sleep naked with the door open. Now I am married and when my Mother comes to visit, she is still very carefree with her body. To this day she walks around naked, goes to the bathroom with the door open, and doesn’t wear underwear. It’s embarrassing and upsets me because I have asked her to cover up and do these things behind closed doors. She insists that it’s normal in other countries, that she likes to be naked, and that I shouldn’t make it an issue. I want her to cover up because I don’t want my husband to walk in and find her in the buff. It would be humiliating. Please help me with this.
-Indecent Exposure
Dear Indecent Exposure,
You should send your mother a brochure to a nudist colony since she would fit right in. Your discomfort seeing your Mother naked seems natural to me. When you were kids, it was OK because children are attached to their Mother’s hip. It would be virtually impossible for an infant or child to not see their Mother naked at one point or another. A lot of moms will be naked in front of their babies and children. It’s not anything sexual or weird, Mothers are just too busy raising a family to care. Being a mom is a selfless position. You give your life to your child, so covering up is not always a priority. It sounds like your mother got comfortable in her Birthday suit, and simply never wanted to take it off. Perhaps there comes a time when modesty is a necessary lesson to teach to a growing and developing child. Certainly as adults, it’s proper to cover up our bodily “private parts”. The age when a child is beginning to explore their sexuality, is an exceptionally good cut off point. Have you told your husband about your Mother’s habits? Explain to him what she does and how it bothers you. This will let him know where you stand, and give him fair warning for her future nudist escapades (which he may find amusing). Despite your Mother’s comfort being naked, not everyone feels the way she does and she should respect people's boundaries. Has she noticed when she’s out on the street that everyone is clothed? There’s a reason for that. Your home is not a nudist zone, and you simply don’t welcome that behavior. It’s not too much to ask that she refrain from nudity in front of you. You don’t have to be rude as; “I don’t want to see that!” Just tell your mother that if she cannot respect your wishes for modesty as an adult in your home, then she can’t come over. She is free to do as she pleases in her own home, but you are not comfortable with it in yours. Despite what she may consider commonplace in other countries, here in America it is not normal for two adults (who aren’t romantically involved) to expose themselves in front of each other. Sometimes my friends and I change in front of each other, but even that is done with respectful conscious awareness of nudist opinions. Although there may be more nudist resorts in other countries, nudity is pretty much viewed the same on a world-wide scale. Some people are liberal and want to exercise their freedom, but most people agree that this kind of nudity is inappropriate, including the law. Therefore if your Mother can’t cover up out of respect for your boundaries, then she must do it out of respect for the boundaries of the law since. The fact that it’s illegal to be naked in public areas and will result in arrest, helps your case. Chances are that your Mother is completely aware of all of this, but simply wants it to be acceptable in her inner circle and family. You have every right to want your Mother to be respectful of you if this makes you uncomfortable. Just like she has her reasons for wanting to be naked, you have your reasons for wanting to be clothed. If she can find no basis for understanding the philosophy behind why people cover themselves up, then simply demand that she respect your personal feelings on the matter. Maybe one day when you are a mother, you will better understand how she got to that point. Then again, perhaps her parents were the same way and passed this trait down to her. Some people are just very natural and would prefer to live in a community where others accept their carefree comfort zones. However, in modern society, we wear clothes. Some say this is a case of “to each his own”, but I do think it’s a sensitive subject. Some people feel shocked or traumatized by seeing others naked, let alone their parents. Society has been conditioned to think about nudity in a certain way. The bottom line is that you feel this habit is improper and humiliating, and you don’t appreciate her lack of regard to your feelings. Your feelings should be respected, so go put the smack down on indecent exposure in your house.
P.S.
Maybe you can make a sign for your door that says “Clothing Required for Entry”, or “No Clothes, No Entry”. Ha ha!
When I was a kid, my mother taught us to be comfortable with our bodies. We often saw her naked as she would change with the door open or go to the bathroom in front of us. Nobody made a big deal out of it then, but as I got older I realized that it was not common in other households. That’s when I started to voice my discomfort. Yet still my Mother would continue to "forget" to wear underwear or sleep naked with the door open. Now I am married and when my Mother comes to visit, she is still very carefree with her body. To this day she walks around naked, goes to the bathroom with the door open, and doesn’t wear underwear. It’s embarrassing and upsets me because I have asked her to cover up and do these things behind closed doors. She insists that it’s normal in other countries, that she likes to be naked, and that I shouldn’t make it an issue. I want her to cover up because I don’t want my husband to walk in and find her in the buff. It would be humiliating. Please help me with this.
-Indecent Exposure
Dear Indecent Exposure,
You should send your mother a brochure to a nudist colony since she would fit right in. Your discomfort seeing your Mother naked seems natural to me. When you were kids, it was OK because children are attached to their Mother’s hip. It would be virtually impossible for an infant or child to not see their Mother naked at one point or another. A lot of moms will be naked in front of their babies and children. It’s not anything sexual or weird, Mothers are just too busy raising a family to care. Being a mom is a selfless position. You give your life to your child, so covering up is not always a priority. It sounds like your mother got comfortable in her Birthday suit, and simply never wanted to take it off. Perhaps there comes a time when modesty is a necessary lesson to teach to a growing and developing child. Certainly as adults, it’s proper to cover up our bodily “private parts”. The age when a child is beginning to explore their sexuality, is an exceptionally good cut off point. Have you told your husband about your Mother’s habits? Explain to him what she does and how it bothers you. This will let him know where you stand, and give him fair warning for her future nudist escapades (which he may find amusing). Despite your Mother’s comfort being naked, not everyone feels the way she does and she should respect people's boundaries. Has she noticed when she’s out on the street that everyone is clothed? There’s a reason for that. Your home is not a nudist zone, and you simply don’t welcome that behavior. It’s not too much to ask that she refrain from nudity in front of you. You don’t have to be rude as; “I don’t want to see that!” Just tell your mother that if she cannot respect your wishes for modesty as an adult in your home, then she can’t come over. She is free to do as she pleases in her own home, but you are not comfortable with it in yours. Despite what she may consider commonplace in other countries, here in America it is not normal for two adults (who aren’t romantically involved) to expose themselves in front of each other. Sometimes my friends and I change in front of each other, but even that is done with respectful conscious awareness of nudist opinions. Although there may be more nudist resorts in other countries, nudity is pretty much viewed the same on a world-wide scale. Some people are liberal and want to exercise their freedom, but most people agree that this kind of nudity is inappropriate, including the law. Therefore if your Mother can’t cover up out of respect for your boundaries, then she must do it out of respect for the boundaries of the law since. The fact that it’s illegal to be naked in public areas and will result in arrest, helps your case. Chances are that your Mother is completely aware of all of this, but simply wants it to be acceptable in her inner circle and family. You have every right to want your Mother to be respectful of you if this makes you uncomfortable. Just like she has her reasons for wanting to be naked, you have your reasons for wanting to be clothed. If she can find no basis for understanding the philosophy behind why people cover themselves up, then simply demand that she respect your personal feelings on the matter. Maybe one day when you are a mother, you will better understand how she got to that point. Then again, perhaps her parents were the same way and passed this trait down to her. Some people are just very natural and would prefer to live in a community where others accept their carefree comfort zones. However, in modern society, we wear clothes. Some say this is a case of “to each his own”, but I do think it’s a sensitive subject. Some people feel shocked or traumatized by seeing others naked, let alone their parents. Society has been conditioned to think about nudity in a certain way. The bottom line is that you feel this habit is improper and humiliating, and you don’t appreciate her lack of regard to your feelings. Your feelings should be respected, so go put the smack down on indecent exposure in your house.
P.S.
Maybe you can make a sign for your door that says “Clothing Required for Entry”, or “No Clothes, No Entry”. Ha ha!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Copy Cat Friend
Dear Charlie,
I have a friend whom I have spent a lot of time with. She has always been a little on the clingy side. We often go shopping together and she will buy the same thing as me. I recently had a major makeover. I cut and colored my hair drastically. Only a week later, my friend surprised me by getting the same exact hair style. Now I am avoiding her because I find it creepy. I feel like she wants to be me. Am I overreacting? Or is this legitimately weird?
-An INDIVIDUAL
Dear Individual,
Sounds like a case of the copy cat friend. You must have great taste! Your friend admires you greatly, which is a compliment. However it’s also possible that your friend idolizes you, which is flattering, but some people would find it hard to level with someone who places them on a pedestal. Just like celebrities don’t typically befriend their fans on a personal level, you may naturally feel uncomfortable and annoyed with her monkey-see monkey-do antics. This is not abnormal behavior between friends. There are many reasons as to why someone might be prone to mimicking a friend’s every move. Perhaps she is just very needy and still trying to find herself, trying on your exciting looks in the process. It’s like when little girls try on their mother’s shoes. Perhaps she is easily influenced and is identifying herself with you? Perhaps she imitates you so that she can learn how to be like you? She probably looks up to you. Then again, maybe she feels she has to compete with you, and so she tries to one up your style by doing it too? Or maybe she genuinely loves your style and can’t help herself from following suite, trusting that you will understand? Then there’s the possibility that you are just a very inspirational and creative person to others? People respond differently to being idolized. Some people live for being worshiped and take it as an opportunity to style or shape those around them. Some people love the limelight and being highly influential, while others are more put off by so much attention and want nothing to do with it. I’d say that for your personality type, this friendship is no longer working for you since you want to sever your ties over it. I would take that as a sign that you are not as close as maybe you once were. If there are other things that bother you about her, then perhaps her copy cat attitude is the last straw. Just remember that if you decide to let her go, she will probably be hurt since she is so attached to you. If you find one day that you regret your decision to cut her out entirely and want to reconnect, you may not be welcomed with open arms. Be prepared for whatever she may have waiting for you if you do try to return to this friendship. People go through phases and transitions and sometimes a friendship that once served a great purpose, becomes stale or no longer productive. I’d say f you’re going to be done with her, then look at it as a life pivotal moment and walk away without looking back. Friends come into our lives for different durations. Some serve a life-long purpose, while others are more situational. There are plenty of ways you can become "busy". People change.
P.S.
If you want to conduct a little experiment for your own entertainment to see how far she is willing to go, then maybe you could try something even more outrageous. See if she still mimics you when you dye your hair bright pink (the cheap color that washes right out). If you have gone as far as shaving your head and she's still copying you, then I give up! At that point you will know that you have a 100% pure unadulterated wannabe clone on your hands, and I would sleep with one eye open!
I have a friend whom I have spent a lot of time with. She has always been a little on the clingy side. We often go shopping together and she will buy the same thing as me. I recently had a major makeover. I cut and colored my hair drastically. Only a week later, my friend surprised me by getting the same exact hair style. Now I am avoiding her because I find it creepy. I feel like she wants to be me. Am I overreacting? Or is this legitimately weird?
-An INDIVIDUAL
Dear Individual,
Sounds like a case of the copy cat friend. You must have great taste! Your friend admires you greatly, which is a compliment. However it’s also possible that your friend idolizes you, which is flattering, but some people would find it hard to level with someone who places them on a pedestal. Just like celebrities don’t typically befriend their fans on a personal level, you may naturally feel uncomfortable and annoyed with her monkey-see monkey-do antics. This is not abnormal behavior between friends. There are many reasons as to why someone might be prone to mimicking a friend’s every move. Perhaps she is just very needy and still trying to find herself, trying on your exciting looks in the process. It’s like when little girls try on their mother’s shoes. Perhaps she is easily influenced and is identifying herself with you? Perhaps she imitates you so that she can learn how to be like you? She probably looks up to you. Then again, maybe she feels she has to compete with you, and so she tries to one up your style by doing it too? Or maybe she genuinely loves your style and can’t help herself from following suite, trusting that you will understand? Then there’s the possibility that you are just a very inspirational and creative person to others? People respond differently to being idolized. Some people live for being worshiped and take it as an opportunity to style or shape those around them. Some people love the limelight and being highly influential, while others are more put off by so much attention and want nothing to do with it. I’d say that for your personality type, this friendship is no longer working for you since you want to sever your ties over it. I would take that as a sign that you are not as close as maybe you once were. If there are other things that bother you about her, then perhaps her copy cat attitude is the last straw. Just remember that if you decide to let her go, she will probably be hurt since she is so attached to you. If you find one day that you regret your decision to cut her out entirely and want to reconnect, you may not be welcomed with open arms. Be prepared for whatever she may have waiting for you if you do try to return to this friendship. People go through phases and transitions and sometimes a friendship that once served a great purpose, becomes stale or no longer productive. I’d say f you’re going to be done with her, then look at it as a life pivotal moment and walk away without looking back. Friends come into our lives for different durations. Some serve a life-long purpose, while others are more situational. There are plenty of ways you can become "busy". People change.
P.S.
If you want to conduct a little experiment for your own entertainment to see how far she is willing to go, then maybe you could try something even more outrageous. See if she still mimics you when you dye your hair bright pink (the cheap color that washes right out). If you have gone as far as shaving your head and she's still copying you, then I give up! At that point you will know that you have a 100% pure unadulterated wannabe clone on your hands, and I would sleep with one eye open!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)