Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend is so insecure it's driving me crazy. When we first started dating, I was still hanging out with my ex girlfriend. When she found out, she demanded that I stop talking to her. Now I no longer speak to my ex, but my girlfriend can't let it go. I love her and we have been together for 1 and 1/2 years, but she's always jealous of any female who interacts with me. I just can't deal with her when she gets like that. I am a nice guy, and I don't deserve this jealousy.
-Nice Guy
Dear Nice Guy,
I believe what you say is true; your girlfriend cannot let go of what happened. On the other hand, you displayed a behavior early on which gave her cause for concern. Since it was the beginning of your relationship when the foundation of trust is built, your relationship has sort of progressed prematurely. It's like entering into a dark room without a flashlight. You're going to bump into things for a while until your eyes adjust, as opposed to seeing clearly from the point of entry. A relationship needs a solid foundation in order to evolve in a healthy and productive way. Some people don't realize how the beginning sets a tone for the course of trust. While it is true that the beginning of the process is about growing together, learning to understand each other and getting to know each other, it is also an imperative time to the evolution of you as a couple. You showed your girlfriend that you are capable of being involved with (or maybe even having feelings for) more than one girl at a time. That would make me nervous about my relationship too. it sounds like her worrying has escalated into paranoia. I don't know the extent of what the terms for "hanging out" mean to you (in regards to your ex), but it's definately playing with fire to keep old lovers around. That being said, I feel your girlfriends feelings are valid, but that it has created a dysfuction between the two of you. It's time to step back. Successful relationships involve meeting each others needs. She does need to forgive you for the past, but you also need to show her that you are truly sorry and ready to move forward with her. Perhaps you are not giving her enough to hold onto. Some women are very naturally emotionally needy, but sometimes there's a good reason for why they are not feeling fulfilled. When someone we are dating doesn't give us anything to hold onto, it's easy to let go or remain suspicious about their intentions. It also doesn't help that you hid hanging out with your ex from her, and thus she discovered it on her own. This unpleasant surprise can make or break you. She chose to keep you around (obviously), but maybe she was never really certain of what you are capable of? Relationships are challenging enough without trust foundation issues getting in the way. Sometimes we stay in a relationship after it has been damaged, like swallowing a pill without being sure of how it will effect us. I'm not sure you two are a good fit if you aren't willing to take responsibility for having fed into her insecurities. An apology is appreciated and effective, but you have to understand that these are the repurcussions for your actions. Your relationship slate is not entirely clean. Perhaps you need to start over, take a step back, and get to knnow each other all over again. You say you are a nice guy, which may be true, but you have to understand trust; how it is built, how it develops, and how it crumbles. You are both standing on an unsolid foundation right now. If you are basing your relationship on the will power of emotional whims, that is not going to withstand the test of time. A long term, mature, life time companionship consists of solid foundations, mutual respect and understanding. People grow and mature over time, but a lot of relationships become too damaged to function after they are dragged through the process of trial and err. You made a mistake, she needs to forgive you, but you both need to work on the trust here, especially you (whom is responsible). Words sound great, but you have to SHOW her that you are serious about her. The fact that you are writing to me, means that you care and want to work on this. That is great! I think her personality responds this way to that kind of behavior. It is a result of your previous actions. Your relationship is still very young and new despite what you may think. It's hard for people to understand each other sometimes, but really try to put yourself in her shoes. If you can't fathom why she might worry about your intentions with other women after what transpired, then perhaps you both have more growing to do. Let's just hope you don't become too hurt by each other to carry on by the time you reach a higher level of emotional maturity. That would be the goal.
