Dear Charlie,
My friend lost her job about 6 months ago and has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Around the same time, her boyfriend broke up with her so she is really depressed. She hasn't found a job yet, and doesn't pay me rent. I am basically supporting her right now out of pity. When I suggest that she work at a restaurant that's hiring wait staff, she says she will be miserable working that kind of job and refuses to apply. Meanwhile, I am stuck with the burden of paying for her food and life! How can I motivate my friend to get off the couch and stop being so depressed!?
-The Crutch
Dear The Crutch,
There’s asking for help, and then there’s mooching. When someone on the receiving end stops giving back over a period of time, they are classified as a “mooch”. Mooch, mooch, mooch! Your charitable efforts to help your friend have been very kind and good hearted, however this may go on for an undetermined or even infinite amount of time. In the ambitious process of putting someone's life back together, we can only do so much. At some point the people we are trying to help, have to help themselves. Your friend has exceeded that point. They say a friend who keeps pushing the limits, is not really a friend at all. People who will continue to excuse this behavior are typically self centered and selfish. You say she has been staying there for 6 months? That is MORE than a sufficient amount of time for her to mourn the loss of a job and boyfriend. It’s time to draw the line sister. You have made it easy for her to get comfortable despite her misfortune that would land some people on the street. She is very lucky to have a friend like you who has been there for her, but you don't want your efforts to save her to land you in the poor house too. It's like when a ship is sinking; you have to put your life jacket on before you try to save others, or else the ship will drag you down with it! Your friend's current life misfortunes are dragging you down with her. It's time for her to buck up and assume responsibility over her life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. A lot of people have been forced to take unlikely jobs in this time of recession. I know a lady who was the Vice President of a major Corporation, whom is now working at a coffee shop until tough times blow over. This is just the reality of many people right now in our economy. Thanks to your kindness, your friend has been given the opportunity to "ride out the storm" in ways that most people would not. Hopefully she is grateful and appreciative of what you have done for her, but it doesn’t sound like it. You have provided for her in her time of need. As adults, we learn to adapt to situations and make the most of what life hands to us. It's time to sit down with your friend, and show her some tough love. If you don’t assert her on this, it will not change. As difficult as it is to do, you must be brutally honest with her because that is the only way she will be motivated to take action. Right now she feels there are no repercussions for her non-actions of laziness. It's easy to dwell or sulk in sorrow when life has gotten hard. When it rains it pours but it's not your job to hold someone's entire world up. A friendship is a give and take, and although she may be a long time friend going through hard times, she has to do her part. If she is unwilling, then you may discover that she is no longer a friend. You may need a support system around you to have an intervention with her. Talk to her calmly and explain the reality which is that you and she cannot go on like this. Tell her that you are suffering financially and that you have cared about her wellbeing and happiness, but she has to get a job now and somewhere to live. This was a temporary situation that has turned into a permanent one. Give her a deadline, or else she will get comfortable talking about it for several more months. Tell her that you have provided a roof, food, and a bed for her for the past 6 months. Explain that you work very hard to make money to support your lifestyle and that you can't afford to support someone else. This is not an unreasonable argument and if she doesn't understand, then that's too bad. She needs to take responsibility. She must show her strength of character now by getting her life together. You have given her all the resources, it's up to her to now to be an adult and face life. We all know the adjustment phase into assuming adult position is tough, but we all do it. Your pocket doesn't need to suffer as though it’s providing for kids you don't even have. Don’t you deserve better than this? Have a heart to heart, and be honest about how all of this makes you feel. You can't go wrong if you stick to the facts. Besides, what will she do if one of your relatives wants to visit? Where would they stay? Maybe you should have someone come to stay with you just to get her out of there. Hopefully she won’t be impossible! You need to burn that candle beneath her. She is not doing her part right now in the friendship, nor in life, and your couch will not be available for her to sleep on forever. She has become dysfunctional. We can’t control the elements around us, but we can control how we respond to them. It's beyond your capabilities to handle all of her issues. As for her depression, she will need professional help for her mental wellness. If one thing is for sure, a healthy diet paired with regular exercise is known to snap some people into a good mood. When she starts to take control over her life and display initiative, she will feel more confident and functional. Until that happens, she will remain a mess. It is NOT YOUR JOB to fix her. Got it? You are neither her life coach nor personal assistant. You are her friend, and she needs to return the favor and be your friend too, and stop leaning on you and crutching on you so much. Tell her firmly that SHE HAS TO GO by X date. PERIOD. Give her about a month or so to find a living situation (which may include a roommate), and a job. Give her a chance to change but you WILL NOT go on like this.
