Dear Charlie,
I have a relative who is a serious talker. As soon as I answer her call, she proceeds to blab for 15-20 minutes without interruption. I can’t get a word in! I usually just put the phone on speaker and let her rant until it’s over. I like her because she can be very supportive and helpful, but she never stops talking! She talks about her issues and every detail of her day over and over again. She’s like this with everyone, but nobody has the heart to tell her because they pity her. She has issues. I think it’s selfish the way she doesn’t shut up, but I too feel compassion for her being alone at an age when most people are married with children. Lately I have been avoiding her because I just can’t take the chatter any more. It’s irritating and I have been listening to it for so long. How can I make her stop?
-Chatty Cathy’s Cousin
Dear Chatty Cathy’s Cousin,
From the (non-stop) sounds of it, this is d@mn n"ear" abuse. It literally sounds like your Chatty Cathy needs a lesson in the fundamentals of CONVERSATION. Conversing is a give and take form of communication. Your frustration with her is totally understandable. You must have learned that any efforts to interrupt her are useless, as she has borrowed your ear far too much. She is not having a conversation with you, but instead is giving you the privilege of listening to her talk to herself out loud. Lucky you! You must be a professional listener by now. There are many helpful tools that abundant talkers may use to communicate in a more socially graceful manner. Someone who is told they talk too much should ask themselves if it’s worth it to rant and rave, at the risk of pissing off their listener. People, who have friends (and keep them), remain aware of their social effect on others. They respect the nonverbal messages that others give them. For example, if someone sighs, yawns, or looks tired and unengaged, it’s a sign that they are no longer interested in listening for whatever reason. If someone looks away or responds with a distracted “uh huh” while you are talking to them, that would be another sign. It would then behoove you to acknowledge your listener’s non verbal messages, and respect them for future conversation. Look, everyone wants to be heard and feel respected, but having a conversation is a mutual respect of give and take. We all have things to say, but we need to share the spotlight when it comes to talking. It should never just be about us. In a conversation, we talk, listen, get feedback and give feedback. It sounds like your cousin is very lonely and missing some key elements in her life. She may have gotten comfortable clinging to you, because you have allowed her to babble on and on each time she calls. You are her rock at the moment. Your patient listening has given her the message that it’s ok to “blah blah blah”, so she will not change as long as you don’t speak up. Selfish people tend to think that if they talk enough, others will give them what they want; be it more attention, understanding etc. However, the irony is that you actually get more from being a good listener too. Chatty Cathy is a needy and relentless type when it comes to borrowing other people’s ears and time. She’s unaware of how ridiculous it is to chatter incessantly, without giving people the chance to respond or interject their thoughts and opinions. Perhaps she goes about her day in a quiet manner and then makes it a habit to vent on you. Or maybe she divulges her detailed life to everyone she comes in contact with. Some Chatty Cathys will sit down at a restaurant and within minutes, their waiter has heard their life story. My guess is that C.C. would benefit greatly from therapy. A therapist is a trained professional with years of experience and education in how to handle people’s issues. She sounds like she needs somewhere to put all of that. It’s unfortunate that she is alone, but a lot of people are. If she’s having a tough time dealing with it, I think a therapist would help direct her to reaching more productive life goals and dreams. Don’t take her calls all the time and when you do, explain that you have things to do and can’t talk long. Put boundaries on the conversation and when she starts to ramble, interrupt her and explain that you don’t have much time to talk. She will get the message. If you are willing to be blunt with her and care about her mental health, then explain to her in a heart to heart that you love her and want her to be happy, but that sometimes she tends to ramble for too long. Tell her that you recommend she talk to a professional because you are a fan of mental health professionals and feel she would benefit. Tell her proactive and empowering pros to seeking this kind of help, and ultimately helping herself. Approach the issue with sensitivity, but do approach it because otherwise, you will be going in circles on Chatty Cathy’s merry-go-round.
