Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend works with a fun group of people his age. We are often invited to events with them. Everyone gets along well, but one of the girls in the group flirts shamelessly with my boyfriend right in front of me. She has a boyfriend, but he doesn’t seem to mind. When I talk to my boyfriend about it, he says she’s like that with everyone, but I beg to differ. Having hung out with her several times, it’s obvious to me that she is only like this with him. I feel that he encourages her flirting and in fact, they have incredible chemistry! This really bothers me, but he won’t admit it. I don’t trust this girl at all. Do I need to be concerned that they are spending so much time together, even if it’s at work?
-Worried Girlfriend
Dear Worried Girlfriend,
My answer is yes, but don’t blow a gasket just yet because that’s not the actual issue here. When it comes to work environments, playful flirting among colleagues often becomes part of the regime balance. While seemingly harmless advances are reciprocated, their playfulness is playing with fire. Most people flirt at some point or another, whether in front of their mate or not. In mild cases, it simply shows a healthy sexual appetite. However, many affairs are spawned out of the workplace too. The real problem here is that your needs are not being met, and the trust between you two is not solid. You are entitled to not be perfect in either of those categories, because no one is. For the happiness and longevity of your relationship, you need to always be working on areas that you are lacking in. In your situation, you have a need to feel appreciated and special to your boyfriend. Yea? On the contrary, your boyfriend has a need to be himself freely in both work and social atmospheres. If it makes you nervous that he has a charming nature (which will spill over into his workplace), then you need to work on trust with him. Think about what you liked about him when you were first attracted to him. Was it that he was a charmer? This may be part of his personality. The question is if it works for you as a couple. In an ideal situation, the two of you would be able to compromise on needs when they clash. When your needs are not meeting at eye level with his, the result is that you feel hurt. Your boyfriend should try to be sensitive to your needs, while you try to understand his. I’m unable to make a good judgment as to how serious this flirting is (with the information given). Whether or not he is just being himself, or allowing something to go on between himself and his colleague, is unclear. If I were you, I would pay attention to the dialogue being exchanged between him and her. You have the right of way to butt right into their conversation, and put her in her place if needed. Take the assertive route with this girl. Is your boyfriend really crossing the line? Or is it just his response to her? Perhaps he is just being polite? I hope so, for your sake. Is this "chemistry" you talk of, possibly in your head? I'm not saying that you are crazy, I'm just hoping that you have nothing to worry about. Some people will tell you that these are your insecurities or that you are jealous, but it’s not always black and white. Some people's concerns are validated completely. It sounds like you and your boyfriend still need to have some key conversations. These would be the conversations involving intentions and needs. Is he behaving the same way he would, if this flirty girl were you? That would naturally make me feel threatened. You shouldn’t expect your boyfriend to stop being a charming guy, if he has always been one naturally, but you should expect him to honor you. Flirty-pants girl is clearly disrespecting you, but do you really feel that he is? Have you been hurt in past relationships by any chance? That would indicate that most likely you have just learned to keep your eyes open. I would advise you to stay on your toes around this girl. Keep your interaction with her brief and remain politely guarded. Maybe she is threatened by you as a person, and does it intentionally? After attempting to be friends with her and learning that you can’t trust her, she is coming across as one of those girls who gets a rise out of flirting with another woman's man. Some of us do not conduct ourselves in this way because we respect other women. Over time, you may become comfortable with your boyfriend’s social skills, or learn that he responds politely to aggressive advances. Hopefully he is a decent and moral person. It will take time to get to know him better. Perhaps your boyfriend makes this girl feel good about herself, so she uses being around him as an opportunity to hone on her flirting skills? It may have nothing to do with her feelings towards him, but more to do with his personality. An important question to ask is: do other women typically flirt with your boyfriend? That would be a sign that it's him. Perhaps he just has that effect on women naturally? Perhaps he is encouraging her, but not intentionally? She’s most likely just a really selfish person who is accustomed to being the center of attention. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and the men who appreciate them are boneheads. She would rub most women the wrong way. Perhaps your boyfriend is happy at work and not trying to cause problems. I would say to ignore her, but stay abreast on the issue. It will probably fade out, but then again, all women are a threat to women whose men aren't faithful. Chew on that for a while.
