Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 month and a half. When we talk about being serious with each other, he says he's ready for this and not a flirt. Well, I accidentally read his email today and discovered that he initiated several really inappropriate conversations with other girls. I'm so shocked because this is not the guy I know. We have been spending so much time together, and I don't know how he could have room for anyone else, let alone several different girls. His naughty emails have really thrown me off guard, in terms of who he is and who he pretends to be. Is it over?
-Unpleasantly Surprised
Dear Unpleasantly Surprised,
I don't know, is it? Your relationship is over when either you, him, or both of you decide to end it. I'm pretty sure he is happy with things the way they are, so the question is: do you want to end it? If you want to know if your concerns are valid, I will tell you... Guys will talk and talk and talk until there's no tomorrow, proclaiming themselves to be gallant, brave, and trusted companions. They will look us straight in the eye and say they are the man of our dreams. They may verbally charm us into believing they are whoever they say they are, but like DMX says; "talk is cheap". Some men are skilled little actors, who try on different personalities to impress us (or get us where they want us). I think that you almost have to enter into a relationship deaf in the beginning. Pay attention to what he does, and take what he says lightly. When your new guy is busy boasting about how great of a boyfriend he is, just think to yourself "that would be nice..." (if he were these things), but more importantly, he must prove that he is. Do you buy a car just by the salesman's description of it? Or do you test it out to see how it runs first? Welcome to the world of dating. It's an egotistical game to some people, but for others, it's a process of finding someone special to spend their life with. Part of getting to know someone, is synchronizing what they say with what they do. When those two things contradict, you've got a problem on your hands. While your boyfriend maintains that he is "ready for this", what he is showing you is that he is not. In fact, he is still playing around and not serious at all. He's expressing interest in other women which proceeds taking action with them. That's not how someone who is ready for a serious and committed relationship behaves. No?
Sometimes women have a hard time accepting the truth about their guy, even when it's right in front of their face in black and white. They prefer to live in La-La Land because it's easy to stay in denial. When you've been listening to your man talk for so long, you may buy into false perceptions about him. It's success on his part, but brainwashing on yours. It's no easy task weeding out romantic frauds. Your boyfriend may want to be "ready for this and not a flirt", but hasn't achieved that level of emotional sophistication (yet). Maybe he will one day, or maybe he wont. I think that men who talk too much about these sorts of things, are waving a red flag. Someone who is genuine with others, doesn't need to announce their qualities in such a fashion, because they know they are and what they are not. Someone who is real with themselves, is also sure of themselves. They know that over time, people either will or wont see them for what they are. A good, decent guy sees no sense in pretending. You don't want a guy with an "eye on the prize" mentality, who talks himself up as though he's trying to sell you an ideal. You want a guy who focuses on the longevity of companionship, and appreciates how rare it is to find that special someone. Don't be fooled. Men can be just as insecure as women, if not more.
People who like to play games when it comes to questions, are usually playing games in all areas of their life. It's a simple concept. I think straightforward questions are productive. Ask him what his intentions are with you. If he had email dialogue with just one girl, I would say you could work that out. Granted that the flirting was only borderline and that he had a history with that particular person. Guys (and girls) are entitled to some elbow room for old relationships to dwindle out, when they are entering into knew ones. However, since your guy is chatting up several girls at once, all of which are new prospects, then that's entirely different. He is showing signs of being a serial flirt, and that's cause for concern. You don't want to invade your boyfriend's privacy on a regular basis. It can become addictive and set you into a whirlwind of paranoia. If you do read an email or two by accident (or chance), he can't hide behind the privacy invasion defense forever. He must acknowledge how he has disrespected and disgraced you, let alone hurt your feelings and made you question his intentions. You have the right to confront him with disappointing email discoveries. Be clear with him as to what you are OK with and what you are not. Communicate. Apologize for delving into his personal affairs, and explain that you couldn't help yourself because they were suspicious. Leave no room for excuses. Unfortunately, a guy who gets defensive is usually guilty or hiding something. Some guys (especially actors) are just very flirtatious by nature, and the women who date them must be OK with it. If this is a characteristic that doesn't work for you, then you have to move on from him in order to be happy. Can you live with his wandering eye? Does that work for you? Or is he feeding your insecurities by his lack of loyalty? You must ask yourself these honest questions, no matter how hard they are to answer. Life gets so much easier when we keep it real. Let's face it; if you can't take what he says for face value, then you have no trust. Since relationships are built on the foundation of trust, I would say that yours is crumbling. Unless he takes a serious 180 degree turn right away, you may become very unhappy and unfulfilled by him. Your trust in him has been totally shaken. His fault, not yours. Perhaps he intends to protect you from this side of him, but you have a right to know. Who wants to live in someone's lie? Maybe you felt something inside of you die or end when you read those emails, in which your heart is trying to tell you something. Any reasonable person would feel betrayed over this. Is it over? That's your call. Perhaps it's the beginning of the end. Rebuilding trust after this will take a lot of effort on his behalf. I hope he's up for the job.
P.S.
If you decide it's over, don't think you are hopeless. Listen to sad music and purge your sorrow immediately, so that you can be ready to meet someone better. You should never accept anything less than what the last guy gave you. Raise that bar girl, RAISE IT. With this recipe in mind, the next guy will be everything the last one was and much, much more.
