Dear Charlie,
I work for a well known company and am pretty high in the rankings. I have to attend certain workshops and training sessions each year in order to keep my status. This means schmoozing with industry professionals, listening to long talks and lectures, and being bored out of my mind for 3 days straight. I usually skip unnecessary meetings and talks. We have a conference coming up, but now one of my colleagues is going to be sharing a room with me. He is very straight edge and no fun. I’m desperately trying to get out of going to this conference with him. Do you have any suggestions?
-Skippy the Conference Skipper
Dear Skippy,
Nothing says;”I’m lazy” like directly asking for advice on how to avoid doing your job and taking responsibility. It sounds like you’ve had your freedom to do as you please and come and go, up until now. Duuuuuuude, that sucks bro. Look Skippy, it’s been fun but the party’s over. I wouldn’t be surprised if your reputation was becoming known as a slacker, and that this colleague is being sent as supervision in disguise. I’m questioning whether you deserve your title (and salary). I’m sure there are probably plenty of people who do things like this. Although humorous, your slacker confession is insensitive to the current job issues in America right now. Many people have to compensate by working jobs they are overqualified for. Many Americans have taken a huge pay cut or been laid off. You’re asking me how to avoid standing up to the plate, being a man, and doing what everyone else in your position does in order to earn an honest income. Well Skippy, if you want my honest opinion, I don’t think you are very deserving of any of it. You are clearly unaware of how lucky you are, and therefor ungrateful. Your mentality towards your job is similar to that of a teenage delinquent who doesn’t want to go to school. It's fun to play hooky with boring adult stuff, but everyone has to grow up. It's your turn. Do the right thing and go to the conference and show this colleague that you are deserving of what you have and where you stand. While you're at it, grow up.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Unpleasant Reunion
Dear Charlie,
When I was a kid, I used to go to summer camp. I made a lot of friends that way, and have kept in touch with some of them over the years. Recently I went into a coffee shop and the guy working there looked familiar. I couldn’t place where I had seen him before until it hit me. He was one of my good childhood friends from summer camp. We had a lot of fun together and I have good memories of him. I was so surprised to see him again so I asked him if he remembered me. He did, but he was unfazed by my sentiments. In fact, he was sort of a jerk about it. He clearly didn’t want to talk to me or reminisce about the past. He wasn’t very friendly or nice about it at all. He was actually very rude. He sarcastically said "Yep, cool". He changed so much from the boy I used to know. I just don’t understand. Call me lame but it hurt my feelings.
-Forgotten Old Friend
Dear Forgotten Old Friend,
Not exactly the reaction you had expected? When something like this happens, it makes you sorry you said anything in the first place. I would regret it too. I feel the same way when I compliment someone’s cute dog or baby on the street, and they are bothered by it. It makes me want to retort something back along the lines of; “well screw you b*tch, I was just being nice.” It’s flattery for f*ck’s sake. Some people have their heads shoved so far up their own asses, that they can’t see the forest through the trees. In your case, you had a history with this guy and he was more than just a random face on the street. He used to be your friend (emphasis on the word “USED” to be). It appears that Mr. Coffee maker is too cool for school any more. Maybe he has issues, is on drugs, or is depressed. Who knows what kind of cards life has dealt him, or how he has handled them? You sure as Hell don’t. I’m painting a really dark picture of the possibilities behind his story, but a lot of time has passed and it's safe to say you don't know him anymore. He has shown you that the child version of him really has little to do with the adult version. There were probably many influences along the way which brought him to this point. Don’t let it get you down, just feel sorry for him that he doesn’t have the capacity to be civil or polite. If he wants to be victim to modern trends that say it’s cool to be selfish and not give a sh*t, then that’s his problem. I don’t know, I think people are not always the way we remember them. Hold on to the happy memories, and be sorry for him that he can't appreciate a warm greeting from an old friend. That's entirely immature. Be glad that people mean something to you. I’m sorry to say but many people don’t mature socially passed a certain age. The truth is that he is a practical stranger now and he was not very nice. That’s a damn shame. Despite the kind of time you had together as kids, leave the past in the past. Forgotten Old Friend, there is nothing lame about you wanting a friend from the past to acknowledge you and remember the precious time you spent as kids together. Some would call those the golden years. Life takes a toll on some people and even causes them to want to write the past off. The movie "Mystic River" is a good example of life changing a childhood companionship. I also refer you to the movie “The Butterfly Effect” to help me explain my point. In the movie, Amy Smart plays Ashton Kutcher’s love interest. Ashton’s character is able to visit Amy in the future, based on different outcomes of a life altering event. In one version, the life altering event was stopped from happening and so Amy develops into a very successful, sheltered, and well rounded young woman. As an adult, he finds her in a good mental state and overall healthy. Next time he visits her in the future to find a completely different girl. She has been so beaten down by life, that she is so jaded and srung out, she breaks his heart. Sometimes, the people we once knew only exist anymore in our memories. Be glad that your heart is still warm and light, and that you didn't turn out like this.
When I was a kid, I used to go to summer camp. I made a lot of friends that way, and have kept in touch with some of them over the years. Recently I went into a coffee shop and the guy working there looked familiar. I couldn’t place where I had seen him before until it hit me. He was one of my good childhood friends from summer camp. We had a lot of fun together and I have good memories of him. I was so surprised to see him again so I asked him if he remembered me. He did, but he was unfazed by my sentiments. In fact, he was sort of a jerk about it. He clearly didn’t want to talk to me or reminisce about the past. He wasn’t very friendly or nice about it at all. He was actually very rude. He sarcastically said "Yep, cool". He changed so much from the boy I used to know. I just don’t understand. Call me lame but it hurt my feelings.
-Forgotten Old Friend
Dear Forgotten Old Friend,
Not exactly the reaction you had expected? When something like this happens, it makes you sorry you said anything in the first place. I would regret it too. I feel the same way when I compliment someone’s cute dog or baby on the street, and they are bothered by it. It makes me want to retort something back along the lines of; “well screw you b*tch, I was just being nice.” It’s flattery for f*ck’s sake. Some people have their heads shoved so far up their own asses, that they can’t see the forest through the trees. In your case, you had a history with this guy and he was more than just a random face on the street. He used to be your friend (emphasis on the word “USED” to be). It appears that Mr. Coffee maker is too cool for school any more. Maybe he has issues, is on drugs, or is depressed. Who knows what kind of cards life has dealt him, or how he has handled them? You sure as Hell don’t. I’m painting a really dark picture of the possibilities behind his story, but a lot of time has passed and it's safe to say you don't know him anymore. He has shown you that the child version of him really has little to do with the adult version. There were probably many influences along the way which brought him to this point. Don’t let it get you down, just feel sorry for him that he doesn’t have the capacity to be civil or polite. If he wants to be victim to modern trends that say it’s cool to be selfish and not give a sh*t, then that’s his problem. I don’t know, I think people are not always the way we remember them. Hold on to the happy memories, and be sorry for him that he can't appreciate a warm greeting from an old friend. That's entirely immature. Be glad that people mean something to you. I’m sorry to say but many people don’t mature socially passed a certain age. The truth is that he is a practical stranger now and he was not very nice. That’s a damn shame. Despite the kind of time you had together as kids, leave the past in the past. Forgotten Old Friend, there is nothing lame about you wanting a friend from the past to acknowledge you and remember the precious time you spent as kids together. Some would call those the golden years. Life takes a toll on some people and even causes them to want to write the past off. The movie "Mystic River" is a good example of life changing a childhood companionship. I also refer you to the movie “The Butterfly Effect” to help me explain my point. In the movie, Amy Smart plays Ashton Kutcher’s love interest. Ashton’s character is able to visit Amy in the future, based on different outcomes of a life altering event. In one version, the life altering event was stopped from happening and so Amy develops into a very successful, sheltered, and well rounded young woman. As an adult, he finds her in a good mental state and overall healthy. Next time he visits her in the future to find a completely different girl. She has been so beaten down by life, that she is so jaded and srung out, she breaks his heart. Sometimes, the people we once knew only exist anymore in our memories. Be glad that your heart is still warm and light, and that you didn't turn out like this.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Boyfriend Secretly Seeks Advice
Dear Charlie,
I love to read advice columns. I read them all the time, all different kinds. I was reading a local magazine’s advice column here in Seattle, and one of the letters sounded very familiar. A guy wrote about his live in girlfriend, whom just celebrated their 2 year anniversary. He said his girlfriend was a student and he complained about her being self centered. He said that he didn’t always get along with her. He was questioning the relationship. It was almost as though my boyfriend had written it. This describes us perfectly! Well, I hacked into his email and discovered that he did. I can’t believe it! Do you think I should break up with him over this? I can’t believe he really feels this way.
-Stressed in Seattle
Dear Stressed in Seattle,
As an advice giver myself, this is one of the most ironic things I have ever read. Listen, people write to advice columns with discrepancy and privacy. Sometimes it's an issue they are unsure of, but a lot of the time they just want to vent. Sometimes it’s impulsive or on a whim, regarding an issue they just can’t wrap their head around. A lot of people will put it out there just to get feedback. I honestly think it’s perfectly normal to be unsure. If you were to graph private human thought patterns, you would see lines going up and down all over the place. This is because thoughts are fleeting and what you might find deep inside the mind is messy or instable. There’s a saying that goes like this; “the mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone.” Don’t throw in the towel just yet. It’s also absolutely normal to have insecure thoughts and feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend just had a moment, and that moment has passed. Look at all these letters that people write. Have you ever had a fight and needed to vent anonymously? Some people will call up a friend and vent that way; your boyfriend just chose the public column route. That’s the beauty of advice columns; they are (usually) unbiased. Sometimes people know what the right thing to do is, or how they feel about something, but writing to an advice column is an outlet that justifies or validates their feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really feel that way, but only used the advice column as a form to express himself and to vent. Maybe he wants to protect you from this side of him? Can you honestly say that you’ve never felt or thought something that would hurt his feelings if he found out? Despite how human beings behave in public, what they say, or how they function in the professional world, we are really not very stable creatures. Our minds are full of imagination, emotional whims, experimental ideas, and thought patterns that come and go. I really don’t think you need to be worried, I think he was just experimenting, as most people do who write in for advice. They just want to see what a neutral party has to say about their situation. Sometimes people just want to look at an issue from a different angle. You have no idea what his motives were, and it’s not safe to assume because you don’t know what he’s thinking. What you got was a glimpse into his very private and personal thoughts. It’s unfortunate that his cover was blown but maybe he should have written to someone a little farther away. Does he know you love advice columns? What are the chances that he knew you would read it? While it may have hurt your feelings or given you cause for concern, I feel that anything festering in the mind may surface in different ways, but until it becomes an action or is stated consciously to the appropriate party, it’s just a thought. Talk to him. I wouldn’t advise confessing that you read his email, because that’s breaking a boundary of trust as well, and will not do either of you any good. Don’t get into that habit. I think you should show him the article, and ask him if he wrote it. Play it safe. If he denies it, look him in the eye and tell him that you know he wrote it. If he denies it, gets defensive, or demands to know how you came about this information, tell him "I just know". You are a woman of instinct, no? Insist that you know he wrote it. Ask him if he really feels that way about you and tell him that it hurts. If he won’t admit to it, then you’ve got another issue on your hands. He may need some time to come clean about this, but give him a chance. He may not be able to admit it, if he really doesn’t feel that way or is ashamed. After all, you saw something private that you weren’t supposed to. Go to him with open ears, and tell him that you understand how private thoughts can fester and surface in different ways. Don’t get too confrontational; be gentle because he may be very embarrassed or regret doing it in the first place. He may not feel that way at all anymore. The most important thing here is to give your relationship more time to grow and mature, and see how it goes. You need to be upfront and honest with each other, but you’re entitled to make mistakes. As a student, you are probably preoccupied with things other than your relationship. It’s hard not to be self centered when you are in school and so much is on the line. It's understandable. Maybe there are things about you that he hasn’t come to terms with yet, but that’s the case for most young relationships. If he had confessed to cheating on you, then that would be a deal breaker. This however, sounds to me like fleeting thoughts and whimsy rants, which everyone needs from time to time. Wouldn't you agree?
; )
I love to read advice columns. I read them all the time, all different kinds. I was reading a local magazine’s advice column here in Seattle, and one of the letters sounded very familiar. A guy wrote about his live in girlfriend, whom just celebrated their 2 year anniversary. He said his girlfriend was a student and he complained about her being self centered. He said that he didn’t always get along with her. He was questioning the relationship. It was almost as though my boyfriend had written it. This describes us perfectly! Well, I hacked into his email and discovered that he did. I can’t believe it! Do you think I should break up with him over this? I can’t believe he really feels this way.
-Stressed in Seattle
Dear Stressed in Seattle,
As an advice giver myself, this is one of the most ironic things I have ever read. Listen, people write to advice columns with discrepancy and privacy. Sometimes it's an issue they are unsure of, but a lot of the time they just want to vent. Sometimes it’s impulsive or on a whim, regarding an issue they just can’t wrap their head around. A lot of people will put it out there just to get feedback. I honestly think it’s perfectly normal to be unsure. If you were to graph private human thought patterns, you would see lines going up and down all over the place. This is because thoughts are fleeting and what you might find deep inside the mind is messy or instable. There’s a saying that goes like this; “the mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone.” Don’t throw in the towel just yet. It’s also absolutely normal to have insecure thoughts and feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend just had a moment, and that moment has passed. Look at all these letters that people write. Have you ever had a fight and needed to vent anonymously? Some people will call up a friend and vent that way; your boyfriend just chose the public column route. That’s the beauty of advice columns; they are (usually) unbiased. Sometimes people know what the right thing to do is, or how they feel about something, but writing to an advice column is an outlet that justifies or validates their feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really feel that way, but only used the advice column as a form to express himself and to vent. Maybe he wants to protect you from this side of him? Can you honestly say that you’ve never felt or thought something that would hurt his feelings if he found out? Despite how human beings behave in public, what they say, or how they function in the professional world, we are really not very stable creatures. Our minds are full of imagination, emotional whims, experimental ideas, and thought patterns that come and go. I really don’t think you need to be worried, I think he was just experimenting, as most people do who write in for advice. They just want to see what a neutral party has to say about their situation. Sometimes people just want to look at an issue from a different angle. You have no idea what his motives were, and it’s not safe to assume because you don’t know what he’s thinking. What you got was a glimpse into his very private and personal thoughts. It’s unfortunate that his cover was blown but maybe he should have written to someone a little farther away. Does he know you love advice columns? What are the chances that he knew you would read it? While it may have hurt your feelings or given you cause for concern, I feel that anything festering in the mind may surface in different ways, but until it becomes an action or is stated consciously to the appropriate party, it’s just a thought. Talk to him. I wouldn’t advise confessing that you read his email, because that’s breaking a boundary of trust as well, and will not do either of you any good. Don’t get into that habit. I think you should show him the article, and ask him if he wrote it. Play it safe. If he denies it, look him in the eye and tell him that you know he wrote it. If he denies it, gets defensive, or demands to know how you came about this information, tell him "I just know". You are a woman of instinct, no? Insist that you know he wrote it. Ask him if he really feels that way about you and tell him that it hurts. If he won’t admit to it, then you’ve got another issue on your hands. He may need some time to come clean about this, but give him a chance. He may not be able to admit it, if he really doesn’t feel that way or is ashamed. After all, you saw something private that you weren’t supposed to. Go to him with open ears, and tell him that you understand how private thoughts can fester and surface in different ways. Don’t get too confrontational; be gentle because he may be very embarrassed or regret doing it in the first place. He may not feel that way at all anymore. The most important thing here is to give your relationship more time to grow and mature, and see how it goes. You need to be upfront and honest with each other, but you’re entitled to make mistakes. As a student, you are probably preoccupied with things other than your relationship. It’s hard not to be self centered when you are in school and so much is on the line. It's understandable. Maybe there are things about you that he hasn’t come to terms with yet, but that’s the case for most young relationships. If he had confessed to cheating on you, then that would be a deal breaker. This however, sounds to me like fleeting thoughts and whimsy rants, which everyone needs from time to time. Wouldn't you agree?
; )
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Employer with Bad Reviews
Dear Charlie,
I’m a 32 year old guy. I’ve been applying for jobs like crazy and have had a couple interviews. I haven’t been too impressed with anyone so far. I got called to interview with a company tomorrow that I was very excited about… until I read their reviews. This company has nothing but bad reviews, and there are a lot of them. I am no longer excited about this job opportunity. Should I cancel my interview?
-Cautious Job Seeker
Dear Cautious,
Having the luxury of picking and choosing between numerous job offers is hard to come by these days. You are very lucky to be in such a position. However, I can understand that you are none too eager to meet with companies that have a bad rap. I would say to go into the interview open minded, and give them a chance. Now that you’ve seen these reviews, you know not to get your hopes up. You have realistic expectations, so anything good that happens will be a surprise. Look at this interview as more of an exercise, rather than a potential job candidate meeting. Feel them out and go with your instincts. If you find that everything you read is right, then at least you know it’s not just you. If, by chance, you are comfortable and pleased with your interview, don’t be afraid to try them out. I admit it’s unlikely that a competitor was attempting to sabotage their reputation by writing all of those reviews. Every reviewer had their reason for giving them negative feedback, but to each, his own. Maybe you are just the guy they need to turn things around. You might hit it off with the owner/manager and find your niche. You don’t want to burn your bridges in the professional world, or jump to conclusions too soon. I don’t know what line of work you are in, but this is a universal concept. You never know who these people are connected to. Canceling an interview sends the message that you’re no longer looking for work. People talk. You don’t want word like that to spread unless it's true. Who knows, this little interview could lead you in the direction of something better. Do you believe everything is for a reason? If so, maybe you will meet someone important to your career (or personal life) at the interview. I think the right thing to do here is take this opportunity to practice. If you don’t feel like you need practice, then you must be the cream of the crop. However, I think everybody could use some ongoing practice, even long time professionals. It keeps you fresh. Here’s a question: do you have something better to do? Another interview lined up? Depending on how bad you need a job right now, you either have a sense of urgency to find work or you don’t. Most people in this economy do, and don’t want to pass anything up. If we always followed what the crowd did or said, nothing extraordinary would ever happen. Go and see for yourself. If you’re disappointed, then you can’t say you weren’t warned. Then again, it would be hard to be disappointed by a company whom you have low expectations of. Maybe you will learn things about yourself during this interview that you can apply to the next one. It’s good to give people a chance. If you honestly feel that this interview will be a waste of your time from start to finish, then by all means cancel. Tell them you are no longer interested in employment with their company via email. Keep it short and curt. Maybe you are in high demand and everyone is calling you off the hook. I still think that it’s productive to go, but it’s your call. I hope you find the right fit, but for now, give them the benefit of the doubt. You just never know.
I’m a 32 year old guy. I’ve been applying for jobs like crazy and have had a couple interviews. I haven’t been too impressed with anyone so far. I got called to interview with a company tomorrow that I was very excited about… until I read their reviews. This company has nothing but bad reviews, and there are a lot of them. I am no longer excited about this job opportunity. Should I cancel my interview?
-Cautious Job Seeker
Dear Cautious,
Having the luxury of picking and choosing between numerous job offers is hard to come by these days. You are very lucky to be in such a position. However, I can understand that you are none too eager to meet with companies that have a bad rap. I would say to go into the interview open minded, and give them a chance. Now that you’ve seen these reviews, you know not to get your hopes up. You have realistic expectations, so anything good that happens will be a surprise. Look at this interview as more of an exercise, rather than a potential job candidate meeting. Feel them out and go with your instincts. If you find that everything you read is right, then at least you know it’s not just you. If, by chance, you are comfortable and pleased with your interview, don’t be afraid to try them out. I admit it’s unlikely that a competitor was attempting to sabotage their reputation by writing all of those reviews. Every reviewer had their reason for giving them negative feedback, but to each, his own. Maybe you are just the guy they need to turn things around. You might hit it off with the owner/manager and find your niche. You don’t want to burn your bridges in the professional world, or jump to conclusions too soon. I don’t know what line of work you are in, but this is a universal concept. You never know who these people are connected to. Canceling an interview sends the message that you’re no longer looking for work. People talk. You don’t want word like that to spread unless it's true. Who knows, this little interview could lead you in the direction of something better. Do you believe everything is for a reason? If so, maybe you will meet someone important to your career (or personal life) at the interview. I think the right thing to do here is take this opportunity to practice. If you don’t feel like you need practice, then you must be the cream of the crop. However, I think everybody could use some ongoing practice, even long time professionals. It keeps you fresh. Here’s a question: do you have something better to do? Another interview lined up? Depending on how bad you need a job right now, you either have a sense of urgency to find work or you don’t. Most people in this economy do, and don’t want to pass anything up. If we always followed what the crowd did or said, nothing extraordinary would ever happen. Go and see for yourself. If you’re disappointed, then you can’t say you weren’t warned. Then again, it would be hard to be disappointed by a company whom you have low expectations of. Maybe you will learn things about yourself during this interview that you can apply to the next one. It’s good to give people a chance. If you honestly feel that this interview will be a waste of your time from start to finish, then by all means cancel. Tell them you are no longer interested in employment with their company via email. Keep it short and curt. Maybe you are in high demand and everyone is calling you off the hook. I still think that it’s productive to go, but it’s your call. I hope you find the right fit, but for now, give them the benefit of the doubt. You just never know.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Unwanted Emails
Dear Charlie,
I signed up on an internet site that automatically sent invitations to everyone on my contact list to join my network. I didn’t know it did this, until I started getting responses from contacts I didn’t know I had. One response was from this guy whom I could have only corresponded with once or twice via email, several years ago. I never dated him. We were just friends in the same line of work. I barely know this guy and haven’t kept in touch with him. He replied with a super long email ranting about what he has been up to, and asking me all kinds of questions. I gave him a very short reply to get him off my back by saying; “It’s nice to hear from you,” but he answered with another super long email and then asked to meet me for coffee! I don’t know how to respond to this. The message he got from “me” was automatic and from the site! How do I explain that to him?
-Open Invitation
Dear Open Invitation,
This guy took an automated networking site message as a personal invitation to come back into your life. How do you respond to someone whom you didn’t write to? Ha! This guy is obviously lonely and desperate for a connection. His eagerness to talk to you was rather premature, since you didn’t actually contact him. He has assumed all too much, and jumped the gun. Maybe this guy is a writer just taking every chance he gets to display his talent, but that’s unlikely. My guess is that he has been thinking about you for some time. It happens. You don’t feel the same way that he does and that’s OK. The fact that your curt reply; “it’s nice to hear from you” was (once again) misconstrued by him as an attempt to reach out, is almost humorous. It's not as though you were leading him on. Someone could have hacked into your account for all her knows. It happends all the time. Let’s see here, how do you politely say “sorry buddy, but I didn’t email you and I don’t want to talk to you”? Well, you could be brutally honest; “the site I signed up on sent automatic invitations out to everyone on my contact list. Take care.” Leave it at that? He would probably get the point. I understand your sensitivity to his feelings in the matter, since he has divulged so much. However, you have to toughen your skin because he has to know that he was taking a risk by putting himself out there so much. You have the option not to reciprocate. You don’t need to explain anything to him. You might be afraid to stop responding at the risk of hurting his feelings, but that's not your problem unless you make it your problem. Sometimes people need you to be more than you can be for them. Some people need a brick to fall on their head in order to get a message. Some people are very lonely and starving for a connection. Sometimes people are in denial about reality because it hurts them too much. Needless to say, you are not on the same page. Whatever is going on with this guy, whoever he is or however you knew him, it’s just email. Emails get deleted, emails don’t get delivered, and ultimately, emails are not personal, despite what some people think. The reason being is that email is a closed form of communication, because you have no way of knowing if it was received, how the person initially responded, or if it went to the appropriate party. This works in your favor. Unless you want to get involved with this guy, I highly recommend that you don’t put anything else out there. It’s his problem at this point. You are not responsible for making him feel better about his lonely life, unless you want to be his girlfriend. You could have cleverly sent another automated response like this; “this is an automated response. I am out of the office and will get back to my emails soon,” and then never reply. He was probably looking for an opportunity to talk to you again, and “you” delivered that chance to him. That site should have given you the option to decline sending personalized invitations to everyone on your contact list. Perhaps there was an option but you didn’t see it? I hope so, because nobody needs this and it’s obnoxious. I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to these awkward situations. Sensitive people get wrapped up in guilt or responsibility to the feelings of others. They are afraid of offending or hurting someone so they continue to be "nice". Sometimes kindness leads desperate people further down the path of false hope. None of this is your fault. What some people consider to be flirting is just a friendly expression to others. Play it safe. Let this guys emails get lost in your inbox. Then don’t worry about it and let it go. After all, it's just email.
I signed up on an internet site that automatically sent invitations to everyone on my contact list to join my network. I didn’t know it did this, until I started getting responses from contacts I didn’t know I had. One response was from this guy whom I could have only corresponded with once or twice via email, several years ago. I never dated him. We were just friends in the same line of work. I barely know this guy and haven’t kept in touch with him. He replied with a super long email ranting about what he has been up to, and asking me all kinds of questions. I gave him a very short reply to get him off my back by saying; “It’s nice to hear from you,” but he answered with another super long email and then asked to meet me for coffee! I don’t know how to respond to this. The message he got from “me” was automatic and from the site! How do I explain that to him?
-Open Invitation
Dear Open Invitation,
This guy took an automated networking site message as a personal invitation to come back into your life. How do you respond to someone whom you didn’t write to? Ha! This guy is obviously lonely and desperate for a connection. His eagerness to talk to you was rather premature, since you didn’t actually contact him. He has assumed all too much, and jumped the gun. Maybe this guy is a writer just taking every chance he gets to display his talent, but that’s unlikely. My guess is that he has been thinking about you for some time. It happens. You don’t feel the same way that he does and that’s OK. The fact that your curt reply; “it’s nice to hear from you” was (once again) misconstrued by him as an attempt to reach out, is almost humorous. It's not as though you were leading him on. Someone could have hacked into your account for all her knows. It happends all the time. Let’s see here, how do you politely say “sorry buddy, but I didn’t email you and I don’t want to talk to you”? Well, you could be brutally honest; “the site I signed up on sent automatic invitations out to everyone on my contact list. Take care.” Leave it at that? He would probably get the point. I understand your sensitivity to his feelings in the matter, since he has divulged so much. However, you have to toughen your skin because he has to know that he was taking a risk by putting himself out there so much. You have the option not to reciprocate. You don’t need to explain anything to him. You might be afraid to stop responding at the risk of hurting his feelings, but that's not your problem unless you make it your problem. Sometimes people need you to be more than you can be for them. Some people need a brick to fall on their head in order to get a message. Some people are very lonely and starving for a connection. Sometimes people are in denial about reality because it hurts them too much. Needless to say, you are not on the same page. Whatever is going on with this guy, whoever he is or however you knew him, it’s just email. Emails get deleted, emails don’t get delivered, and ultimately, emails are not personal, despite what some people think. The reason being is that email is a closed form of communication, because you have no way of knowing if it was received, how the person initially responded, or if it went to the appropriate party. This works in your favor. Unless you want to get involved with this guy, I highly recommend that you don’t put anything else out there. It’s his problem at this point. You are not responsible for making him feel better about his lonely life, unless you want to be his girlfriend. You could have cleverly sent another automated response like this; “this is an automated response. I am out of the office and will get back to my emails soon,” and then never reply. He was probably looking for an opportunity to talk to you again, and “you” delivered that chance to him. That site should have given you the option to decline sending personalized invitations to everyone on your contact list. Perhaps there was an option but you didn’t see it? I hope so, because nobody needs this and it’s obnoxious. I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to these awkward situations. Sensitive people get wrapped up in guilt or responsibility to the feelings of others. They are afraid of offending or hurting someone so they continue to be "nice". Sometimes kindness leads desperate people further down the path of false hope. None of this is your fault. What some people consider to be flirting is just a friendly expression to others. Play it safe. Let this guys emails get lost in your inbox. Then don’t worry about it and let it go. After all, it's just email.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friend's Boyfriend Came to the Rescue
Dear Charlie,
I drove downtown to hang out with one my friends last night. On my way home, I got a flat tire in a sketchy area. I was alone and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I kept calling my friend to come help me, but she didn't answer my call. I couldn’t decide whether to call her boyfriend or not, whom lived nearby. I decided to call him when I became desperate. He was able to come and fix it for me. I admit that he was flirting with me. After he fixed the flat, he invited me over to hang out. I didn’t go because it was so late, but he said he wanted to hang out again. Now his girlfriend is mad at me because she thinks I want her boyfriend. She doesn’t even know that he wants me to call him again! Should I tell her? Do you think she is right to be mad? He told me she was the jealous type. Do you think I should call him?
-Damsel in Distress
Dear Damsel in Distress,
Some men love to take on the role of Knight in Shining Armor. Do I think your friend is right to be mad at you? Nope. You did what you had to do. First of all, if this girl is really your friend then she should understand the situation that you were in, and be happy that her boyfriend was there to help. The fact that her boyfriend talked about her (to her friend) behind her back, gives me reason to question his motives. I believe he was being nice, but also taking advantage of the situation. “Jealous” girlfriends are usually reacting to the behavior of their naughty boyfriends. Flirtatious or philandering boyfriends will rid themselves of any guilt or responsibility for causing the insecurities of their girlfriends to fester, by slapping the “jealous” label on them. Don’t get me wrong, some girls are irrationally jealous, but others are being made to feel insecure by their boyfriends. I feel that your friend’s discomfort in the scenario stems from the real issue that she can’t trust her boyfriend. Who knows the root of her overly possessive attitude? She is probably aware of his flirtatious ways, but may be in denial. On the other hand, he may be a harmless flirter who wants out of the relationship. Who knows!?! While he was nice and helpful to come to your rescue, an opportunity presented itself. It was party time for your hero of the night. There’s no denying that his invitation was inappropriate. Some men are opportunists who feed off of gratitude. They see it as a game of trading favors. They look for helpless damsels in distress to lure into their lair. Was he nice to help you? Sure… but his intentions were not entirely innocent when all was said and done. Here’s a question: where was his girlfriend? Furthermore, why didn’t she answer your call? If she had, none of this would have ever happened, so she has herself to thank for that. She isn’t being honest with herself. I don’t know this girl, but I suspect that if you told her what he said, she would direct her anger towards you (rather than at the appropriate party). I also don’t know this guy at all, so I can’t tell you if he is worth a call. You have to use your instincts and better judgment to decide. From what you have told me, it sounds like a terrible idea. Are you interested in stealing your friend’s boyfriend? Do you want to get that involved in all of this? I mean really, are you actually considering calling him again? Are you even really friends with his girlfriend? You sound more like frenemies. There may be a reason for her behavior, and there may be a reason for his behavior too, but nobody is being honest. Since you guys are all young, you’re free to do whatever you want and f*ck up, but this relationship is not serious and this guy sounds like trouble. He is clearly not committed, and she has reason to be concerned. If she can’t see the forest through the trees and realize what’s up with her man, then she has whatever she’s got coming to her. Maybe he lies to her? I don't know. He will inevitably cheat on her. Whether it’s with you or someone else is up to you. He is probably looking for a way out. Unless you are absolutely head over heels secretly in love with this guy, which it doesn’t sound like you are, I would leave his offer at the scene of the heroic act. If you need to ask me if you should call him or not, then my advice is don’t get involved. STAY AWAY. This could easily turn into a messy situation. Friends tend to date within the same pools, but it’s just drama, drama, drama. Find someone else to call your own. He is not displaying trustworthy behavior or a solid track record. Sorry sister. If you tell her that he wants you to call him again, be prepared for an irrational response. She is not thinking clearly, but that shouldn't be your problem. Feel free to simply ignore his offer and forget about it.
P.S. You need new friends.
I drove downtown to hang out with one my friends last night. On my way home, I got a flat tire in a sketchy area. I was alone and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I kept calling my friend to come help me, but she didn't answer my call. I couldn’t decide whether to call her boyfriend or not, whom lived nearby. I decided to call him when I became desperate. He was able to come and fix it for me. I admit that he was flirting with me. After he fixed the flat, he invited me over to hang out. I didn’t go because it was so late, but he said he wanted to hang out again. Now his girlfriend is mad at me because she thinks I want her boyfriend. She doesn’t even know that he wants me to call him again! Should I tell her? Do you think she is right to be mad? He told me she was the jealous type. Do you think I should call him?
-Damsel in Distress
Dear Damsel in Distress,
Some men love to take on the role of Knight in Shining Armor. Do I think your friend is right to be mad at you? Nope. You did what you had to do. First of all, if this girl is really your friend then she should understand the situation that you were in, and be happy that her boyfriend was there to help. The fact that her boyfriend talked about her (to her friend) behind her back, gives me reason to question his motives. I believe he was being nice, but also taking advantage of the situation. “Jealous” girlfriends are usually reacting to the behavior of their naughty boyfriends. Flirtatious or philandering boyfriends will rid themselves of any guilt or responsibility for causing the insecurities of their girlfriends to fester, by slapping the “jealous” label on them. Don’t get me wrong, some girls are irrationally jealous, but others are being made to feel insecure by their boyfriends. I feel that your friend’s discomfort in the scenario stems from the real issue that she can’t trust her boyfriend. Who knows the root of her overly possessive attitude? She is probably aware of his flirtatious ways, but may be in denial. On the other hand, he may be a harmless flirter who wants out of the relationship. Who knows!?! While he was nice and helpful to come to your rescue, an opportunity presented itself. It was party time for your hero of the night. There’s no denying that his invitation was inappropriate. Some men are opportunists who feed off of gratitude. They see it as a game of trading favors. They look for helpless damsels in distress to lure into their lair. Was he nice to help you? Sure… but his intentions were not entirely innocent when all was said and done. Here’s a question: where was his girlfriend? Furthermore, why didn’t she answer your call? If she had, none of this would have ever happened, so she has herself to thank for that. She isn’t being honest with herself. I don’t know this girl, but I suspect that if you told her what he said, she would direct her anger towards you (rather than at the appropriate party). I also don’t know this guy at all, so I can’t tell you if he is worth a call. You have to use your instincts and better judgment to decide. From what you have told me, it sounds like a terrible idea. Are you interested in stealing your friend’s boyfriend? Do you want to get that involved in all of this? I mean really, are you actually considering calling him again? Are you even really friends with his girlfriend? You sound more like frenemies. There may be a reason for her behavior, and there may be a reason for his behavior too, but nobody is being honest. Since you guys are all young, you’re free to do whatever you want and f*ck up, but this relationship is not serious and this guy sounds like trouble. He is clearly not committed, and she has reason to be concerned. If she can’t see the forest through the trees and realize what’s up with her man, then she has whatever she’s got coming to her. Maybe he lies to her? I don't know. He will inevitably cheat on her. Whether it’s with you or someone else is up to you. He is probably looking for a way out. Unless you are absolutely head over heels secretly in love with this guy, which it doesn’t sound like you are, I would leave his offer at the scene of the heroic act. If you need to ask me if you should call him or not, then my advice is don’t get involved. STAY AWAY. This could easily turn into a messy situation. Friends tend to date within the same pools, but it’s just drama, drama, drama. Find someone else to call your own. He is not displaying trustworthy behavior or a solid track record. Sorry sister. If you tell her that he wants you to call him again, be prepared for an irrational response. She is not thinking clearly, but that shouldn't be your problem. Feel free to simply ignore his offer and forget about it.
P.S. You need new friends.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Power Tripping Boss
Dear Charlie,
I just started a new job as an assistant to the head honcho of a corporation. When I interviewed for the position, my new boss seemed like someone I wanted to work for. After getting acquainted, she has turned out to be a total control freak. I even bought new, comfortable shoes for this position and they are already worn down after 2 weeks of running around for her. She goes beyond monitoring everything I do. She reams me for every little thing I do. She is very demanding, nags me constantly, and the way she talks to me is condescending. I have never felt so low. I know I should be grateful that I have a job, but this is a nightmare. I want to quit. What should I do?
-Unhappy New Assistant
Dear Unhappy New Assistant,
As if going to work wasn’t a challenge in itself, then you have to deal with a psycho when you get there. That’s too bad. I’d say it rather sucks. They say first impressions are everything, but that’s not necessarily true. People are good at hiding their true colors during brief introductory encounters. You think you got a good feel for her during an interview, but as you got to know her, she brought her skeletons out of the closet. It must have been an unpleasant surprise when you discovered that not all of your duties were listed in the job description. Duties such as withstanding verbal abuse, aiding to neurotic needs, and being belittled throughout your shift, have put you in a position to take it lying down from this lady. Hooray (note sarcasm). Are you feeling like her dog on a leash, or a pawn in the game of life? Some people just love to be LARGE and IN CHARGE, and some bosses look for more than an assistant. The world would be so much easier if employers were honest with potential candidates. It would seem more appropriate to call a spade a spade during the hiring process. Why they don’t just come out and say; “I’m looking for someone to be my whipping post”? Well, the answer to that is no mystery because let’s face it; nobody wants to be a whipping post. In some cases, it just comes with the territory. It seems you have crossed that border. Have you seen the show Ugly Betty? I think that show does a decent job making fun of the cheesy antics in work environments. The fashion industry is an extreme example, but the hierarchy within corporations is political despite the front of professionalism. Power brings out the ugly in people. The dynamic between a Queen Bee boss and her little b*tch sidekick assistant is a common one. Some people are more willing to assume that role than others. You must have done a very good job selling yourself at the interview. Perhaps you seemed to fit the bill for what she was looking for at the time. Unfortunately, she underestimated you. Just like some acting roles are wrongfully cast, jobs are often inappropriately filled. It doesn't sound like you are the proper fit for this woman's assistant (to say the least). You are not a compatible pair as these "shoes" are not your size. She may be feeling it too, or she may be like this with everyone. Working as an assistant for her requires someone whoo posseses traits such as a sense of urgency to satisfy her, a desperate desire for her approval, or a relentless hunger for success at all cost. I think you have no choice other than to make the most of it for now, until you find another job. Given today’s job market, you may have to pace yourself here for a while. You should actively start looking for a new job, as soon as possible. It won’t be easy but it’s not impossible. Oh, and prayers don’t hurt either. There’s the possibility that just like in the movie “The Devil Wears Prada”, you could learn to adjust to her impossible demeanor, but let’s just hope you don’t sabotage or ruin your personal life in the process. For many people, a job is basic life support and a means to provide for family. It’s all about what you want out of life. Some bosses like to act as dictators. Be careful because you don’t want to get fired. Then you will have a negative referral on your employment history. There is a way to politely and gracefully not take people’s crap, despite their power over you. Assert yourself. Remember: she is your boss, but she is also human. Everyone has their weaknesses and vulnerable spots. You could be equally manipulative by finding her Achilles heel. She may be a miserable person on the inside, with a dysfunctional family. Maybe you need to show her that you can handle the job, but that you’re not going to take her too seriously. Feel free to chuckle or giggle a little when she is rude. If she asks you why you are snickering, or if something is funny, reply diplomatically and tell her “no reason”. Since she is a game player, she should understand the subtle language that means "you're ridiculous". Don’t kill yourself over this job, and if she gets really out of line, then feel free to walk away and tell her it’s just not working out. Don't sweat it. Let it roll right off you. Jobs like this are character builders that thicken your skin. It’s all about values and what is important to you. Some people will do anything to get ahead. If working for this woman is really not worth it to you, then stand your ground, demand respect, and don’t back down. There is a fine line between being professional and getting too personal that some employers try to cross. Display good judgment and approach. Establish boundaries by being politely firm. She is the boss of your work, not the boss of your life, despite her intentions. Sometimes people need to be put in their place no matter their title in the professional world. If you guys are go head to head too much, then you could tell her that you don’t think you are a good fit for this position, and write a formal letter of resignation. However, be prepared to work at a coffee shop or something on the other end, when you can’t find a job replacement right away. It may be a pay cut, but a fair emotional trade considering how she makes you feel. Desperate times call for desperate measures, but nobody is owner of anyone else. Slavery was abolished in 1865. If you need to vent, you could get one of your friends to pretend to be your boss. Then you could re-enact a situation from the work day and vent all the things you want to say to her, that have been bottling up inside of you : ) Michael Urie plays Marc St. James on the show Ugly Betty. His character is a personal assistant, who uses a life size doll replica of his boss to vent on her. Support is helpful, but be careful who you confide in at your new job, because you don't know who's trying to get in good with her.
I just started a new job as an assistant to the head honcho of a corporation. When I interviewed for the position, my new boss seemed like someone I wanted to work for. After getting acquainted, she has turned out to be a total control freak. I even bought new, comfortable shoes for this position and they are already worn down after 2 weeks of running around for her. She goes beyond monitoring everything I do. She reams me for every little thing I do. She is very demanding, nags me constantly, and the way she talks to me is condescending. I have never felt so low. I know I should be grateful that I have a job, but this is a nightmare. I want to quit. What should I do?
-Unhappy New Assistant
Dear Unhappy New Assistant,
As if going to work wasn’t a challenge in itself, then you have to deal with a psycho when you get there. That’s too bad. I’d say it rather sucks. They say first impressions are everything, but that’s not necessarily true. People are good at hiding their true colors during brief introductory encounters. You think you got a good feel for her during an interview, but as you got to know her, she brought her skeletons out of the closet. It must have been an unpleasant surprise when you discovered that not all of your duties were listed in the job description. Duties such as withstanding verbal abuse, aiding to neurotic needs, and being belittled throughout your shift, have put you in a position to take it lying down from this lady. Hooray (note sarcasm). Are you feeling like her dog on a leash, or a pawn in the game of life? Some people just love to be LARGE and IN CHARGE, and some bosses look for more than an assistant. The world would be so much easier if employers were honest with potential candidates. It would seem more appropriate to call a spade a spade during the hiring process. Why they don’t just come out and say; “I’m looking for someone to be my whipping post”? Well, the answer to that is no mystery because let’s face it; nobody wants to be a whipping post. In some cases, it just comes with the territory. It seems you have crossed that border. Have you seen the show Ugly Betty? I think that show does a decent job making fun of the cheesy antics in work environments. The fashion industry is an extreme example, but the hierarchy within corporations is political despite the front of professionalism. Power brings out the ugly in people. The dynamic between a Queen Bee boss and her little b*tch sidekick assistant is a common one. Some people are more willing to assume that role than others. You must have done a very good job selling yourself at the interview. Perhaps you seemed to fit the bill for what she was looking for at the time. Unfortunately, she underestimated you. Just like some acting roles are wrongfully cast, jobs are often inappropriately filled. It doesn't sound like you are the proper fit for this woman's assistant (to say the least). You are not a compatible pair as these "shoes" are not your size. She may be feeling it too, or she may be like this with everyone. Working as an assistant for her requires someone whoo posseses traits such as a sense of urgency to satisfy her, a desperate desire for her approval, or a relentless hunger for success at all cost. I think you have no choice other than to make the most of it for now, until you find another job. Given today’s job market, you may have to pace yourself here for a while. You should actively start looking for a new job, as soon as possible. It won’t be easy but it’s not impossible. Oh, and prayers don’t hurt either. There’s the possibility that just like in the movie “The Devil Wears Prada”, you could learn to adjust to her impossible demeanor, but let’s just hope you don’t sabotage or ruin your personal life in the process. For many people, a job is basic life support and a means to provide for family. It’s all about what you want out of life. Some bosses like to act as dictators. Be careful because you don’t want to get fired. Then you will have a negative referral on your employment history. There is a way to politely and gracefully not take people’s crap, despite their power over you. Assert yourself. Remember: she is your boss, but she is also human. Everyone has their weaknesses and vulnerable spots. You could be equally manipulative by finding her Achilles heel. She may be a miserable person on the inside, with a dysfunctional family. Maybe you need to show her that you can handle the job, but that you’re not going to take her too seriously. Feel free to chuckle or giggle a little when she is rude. If she asks you why you are snickering, or if something is funny, reply diplomatically and tell her “no reason”. Since she is a game player, she should understand the subtle language that means "you're ridiculous". Don’t kill yourself over this job, and if she gets really out of line, then feel free to walk away and tell her it’s just not working out. Don't sweat it. Let it roll right off you. Jobs like this are character builders that thicken your skin. It’s all about values and what is important to you. Some people will do anything to get ahead. If working for this woman is really not worth it to you, then stand your ground, demand respect, and don’t back down. There is a fine line between being professional and getting too personal that some employers try to cross. Display good judgment and approach. Establish boundaries by being politely firm. She is the boss of your work, not the boss of your life, despite her intentions. Sometimes people need to be put in their place no matter their title in the professional world. If you guys are go head to head too much, then you could tell her that you don’t think you are a good fit for this position, and write a formal letter of resignation. However, be prepared to work at a coffee shop or something on the other end, when you can’t find a job replacement right away. It may be a pay cut, but a fair emotional trade considering how she makes you feel. Desperate times call for desperate measures, but nobody is owner of anyone else. Slavery was abolished in 1865. If you need to vent, you could get one of your friends to pretend to be your boss. Then you could re-enact a situation from the work day and vent all the things you want to say to her, that have been bottling up inside of you : ) Michael Urie plays Marc St. James on the show Ugly Betty. His character is a personal assistant, who uses a life size doll replica of his boss to vent on her. Support is helpful, but be careful who you confide in at your new job, because you don't know who's trying to get in good with her.
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