Dear Charlie,
I have worked hard to get where I am today. I have an amazing job that takes me all over the world. I get to meet fascinating people throughout my travels, and I plan to write a book about these adventures. One of my sisters recently contacted me online. I have not talked to her in ages, and she asked me what company I work for. She also wanted to know how I got the job. I’m extremely hesitant to give her this information, because I didn’t have anything handed to me in life. I found my own success. I have shared the spotlight with my siblings my whole life, and this is one thing that I did on my own. How can I politely tell her that it’s confidential information that I don’t want to share?
-My Own Person
Dear My Own Person,
It’s ultimately your prerogative if you don’t want to share. However, don’t you think you would be demonstrating good character and maturity by offering her the information? It's just information. Let’s face it; the company you work for is no secret to most people. It’s interesting that you haven’t talked to your own sister in ages. I’m curious about your family relationships. Depending on your true feelings toward your sister, it sounds like you harbor some serious resentment (correct me if I’m wrong). It sounds like you have let it consume you to the point where you don’t even want to “help a sister out”. You feel threatened by the idea that she might have a chance at doing what you have done. Your pride is getting in the way here (to say the least). I think it’s helpful to understand the long term effects of sibling rivalry here, and how it can still be alive and well in adulthood. I appreciate your desire to establish yourself apart from your family. Everyone is striving for individuality in one way or another. Many people establish themselves through their choice of spouse or career, but alot of family members share the same talents and interests. It sounds like your job is your rock. Through hard work you have come to find this unique life path, and no one can take that away from you. Your sister is asking for basic information. There’s nothing unreasonable about that. It was humble of her to come to you in the first place. Asking someone that kind of question is not always easy. Then there’s the possibility that maybe she just genuinely wants to know out of curiosity. You don’t know what her intentions are. Perhaps she wants to refer someone else there. Giving her this basic information doesn’t impose on your character, life style, or anything about you. No one can take away who you are or what you have done. My guess is that your family has some issues, which you have not dealt with yet. You don’t seem concerned about your reputation in your family, which explains why you don’t care to help. I would be insulted if someone in my family didn’t care enough to help me in times of need. Then again, I keep in touch with my family regularly. If they didn’t want to answer simple questions like these, I would think they were selfish and immature. You feel that your sister doesn’t deserve to be given a chance at the kind of happiness you have found. This is a judgment on your behalf, in which you feel entitled to have obtained this job, above her. You have concluded that by telling her who you work for, you would be handing life to her. However, that is not the reality because (like you admitted) you had to work hard to get there. Let’s look at the worst possible thing that could happen if you were to tell her what she wants to know... Let’s say you told her who you work for, and maybe even who to contact for a job there. Let’s say she then took that information and materialized her ambition into an actual job with them. Now she does what you do, and you no longer feel special. However, the reality would then still be that you got her the job. If it weren’t for you, she never would have had a chance. Therefore, if you’re looking for something to be prideful about, that’s it right there. If you were to direct her to the appropriate party within the company you work for, she would still have to prove herself and get the job. Maybe in the pit of your fear about giving her the “precious” information, you are afraid that she will somehow take away what you have done. What you could do, is contact your company and inform them of your sister’s interest in working there. DO this after she has actually expressed interest in working there (because she hasn't). You could tell them that you have no idea how she operates in the professional world, but that you wanted to help her by at least pointing her in the right direction. That makes you look good to your company. Who knows; maybe you could obtain a promotion of some sort. I don’t think you have to worry about it. Be a dear and tell your sister who you work for, because that’s only half the battle. After that, she has to actually get the job. I’d say that the chances of her getting hired there (in this economy) are not so good. I think you will regret it in the future when you look back one day and realize how selfish you were being. It feels good to help other people. I think you should work on building the relationships in your family to be stronger and healthier. If the relationships are too damaged to function, then that’s a much deeper issue and perhaps you need to cut them out entirely. Though it sounds like you sort of do. Family dysfunction is sometimes better off left behind, but answering her question could only make you look good.
A lot of people identify themselves by what they do. Distinguishing our sense of self in the world can be difficult when coming from a big family. I know very few families who don’t have issues. Everyone does. It’s part of being alive. Only through compromise can we learn to work together. Otherwise, we may become like a selfish little island of wants and needs.
