Dear Charlie,
When I was younger, I partied a lot. I used to drink and experiment with drugs, but I wouldn’t say I was an addict or anything. Let’s just say I knew how to have a good time. Now I’m much more responsible. I graduated from Law School and am currently living with my fiancé. I have a friend from High School whom I used to get into a lot of trouble with. He lives far away so we don’t see each other much, but we talk from time to time. I want to go back to visit him and my hometown, but the problem is that he hasn’t changed a bit. He’s still into parties, drugs, and sleeping around. How can I remain friends with him without falling back into old habits?
-Former Wild Child
Dear Former Wild Child,
All hail the glory days of old. Your partner in crime wants to remain partners, whereas you have chosen to sever the old business merger. I get the impression that “he hasn’t changed a bit” was meant in a bad way. The fact is that you don’t have a problem with addiction, but perhaps this friend of yours does. Is it necessary for you to be friends as adults? People change, and go their separate ways. I can appreciate wanting to reconnect with old buddies. Perhaps you consider him like family? If so, there are all kinds of personality types within any given family. You may have different goals and values. Just because we are different doesn’t mean we can’t get along and have a good time together. Basically what you’ve told me is that while you evolved and developed into a functional and stable adult, your friend has not. Some people unfortunately never grow up. It doesn’t mean he can’t have a special place in your heart or that you can never see him again. It doesn't sound like this could be much of an issue since you live seperate lives so far away. When his habits become dysfunctional or abusive to your friendship, then it’s a problem. Until then, what he does with his life is his choice. Just be yourself and don’t make it an issue (unless he does). It’s fun to revisit the people and places we knew when life was simple. If you are still able to hang out and understand each other despite your obvious differences, then that’s great. Sometimes friendships are frozen in time. Perhaps when you are together again, you revert to the age when you were the best of friends. It’s natural for people to regress when in the company of childhood associations. Memories come flooding in and reminding us of how we used to feel. For example, whenever my husband hangs out with his siblings, he behaves younger (if you know what I mean). Ha ha, sorry honey! Their bond as children was strong so as adults, they mentally go back to that time when they're together. Keep in mind that this is a universal dilemma for people. It’s only a problem when the components that once bonded you together no longer exist. If you know that hanging out with this guy will mean free party favors, then have your wits about you. People who do drugs are hard to be friends with (if you don’t do drugs), because they usually expect you to join in. They have this attitude like it's part of the friendship deal. Those are the people with substance abuse problems. They will actually get offended if you don’t par take. Hopefully this does not describe your friend. You can choose to not hang out with him in settings where he feels comfortable making you an “offer”. If he says something like “come hang out with me, I will supply the goodies” then it’s time he got to know the adult you. If this guy is really a friend, then simply decline when he does offer you something. You can simply say “I’m getting too old for that stuff“, or “my fiancé will kill me” in a light manner and laugh it off. Don’t make it an issue, just be cool and let it go. Hopefully he will drop it. Having a drink is a reasonable way for friends to catch up. Blowing 4 lines of cocaine and downing 4 tequila shots is not. Your inner child connects with him, but your adult sense doesn’t. If he pressures you, then it’s time to reevaluate this friendship. As a mature and grounded person, you may find it awkward to return to him and deal with his immaturity. After all, that is what it is. Let’s call a spade a spade here. We all grow up. It’s not a choice, it’s part of the living process. Given the extent of your history and your honesty to assess whether your drug use was problematic or not, this is a classic case of sobriety versus non sobriety. Some people in your situation might feel the pressure to stay cool in the eyes of this old friend. Let’s face it; you wouldn’t have been a partier if you didn’t think parties (and what they entailed) were cool. Maybe that lives deep down inside you somewhere, but you have changed. You are entitled to grow and develop. Look at what you have done with your life. You have managed to go to college, attain a degree, build and keep a relationship, and land a job. Well done! Your friend has not done so well. Maybe he wants your help or maybe he doesn’t, but you should be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Even if somewhere in your mind you still seek the approval of this guy, hold your head high because you succeeded to concur what has brought many people down. There’s absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. Be proud that you pulled it together, and sorry that he has not. People with addictions to boozing or drugs, often go through detox and rehab in order to take control of their lives, and still come out on the other end troubled. How bad is your friend? Has he been to rehab? Does he need to go? Are you able to hang out with him without being tempted to do something foolish? Or does hanging out with him mean that you will allow yourself to have a little fun for old time sake? You could mentally set some personal boundaries with yourself and him. Only meet up with him in public places. You can show him that you are an adult now with real responsibilities, but you still like to have a good time. Invite him out to eat or something innocent like that. Play it safe. Get a drink at a bar or something. If he doesn’t want the party to end there, just stay firm on your limits, and politely tell him you can’t because you have plans to “(insert hypothetical plans)”. If he is a real friend, he will respect you. I don’t think it will take him long to realize how far you have come. He will see that you are stable, and plan to stay that way, but that your inner child was fun and wild. Hold your ground and remember that your life is your choice. He could learn a thing or two from you. Maybe you will rub off on him, but most likely he is who he is going to be by now. Don’t be ashamed of your evolution. “Growing up” is tough and sometimes means we lose people along the way. The friendship will always be alive in your memories, and no one can take away the time you had together. You chose to walk away from that life style for very valuable and good reasons.
Some people, who experiment with or engage in mischievous/rebellious conduct as adolescents, still manage to become functional and healthy adults. On the contrary, most people lack the willpower to control the impulse to escape life’s difficulties (via getting drunk or high), after abusing it too many times. A lot of people think they are in control; meanwhile their life has spiraled in the opposite direction. Young people are excited by risk, so they enjoy the challenge. The euphoria people feel when they’re high, is addicting like a video game; it’s not real. It’s not hard to become warped or delusional this way. Addicts condition themselves to seek constant stimulation. Once people have given themselves the freedom to do this, it’s very hard to resist it as they get older and life gets more complicated. They lose sight of reality, which is that they’re not doing anything productive. They become dysfunctional and sometimes dangerous to others. Boozing, pill popping, “snow” blowing, shooting up, and all the little innovative ways people find to get high these days, just deprive people of the chance to build tools to cope with life’s burdens in a healthy way. These methods are not empowering, to say the least. The impulse to escape then turns into substance abuse, and ultimately a lifelong addiction problem. It’s an ugly cycle that never ends for many people. Therefore, experimenting with drugs or binge drinking is a risky and dangerous game to play in youth, because it can lead to dark places. If you have the strength to know your limits, stop when it’s time and turn your life around, then good for you. I would think that in this heavily media influenced world we live in, people would be turned off by things that break down your body and age you faster. However, young people don’t always see the long term effects and tend to think they are invincible. They are the ones who grow up to have many regrets. They become very unhappy when the years catch up with them later. The new movie “Inception” features this very subject. In Inception, the characters battle in a realm of what is real and what is not. It's not a happy ending for everyone.
