Dear Charlie,
It has come to my attention that the boy I have been raising as my son could possibly not be mine. My wife disclosed this to me 4 years into our marriage. It turns out that she was intimate with one of her ex boyfriends before we were married, around the time that she became pregnant. This news has damaged our relationship, and we are now separated. I’m unsure whether or not we will be able to work things out, as I am waiting for results of the paternity test. If I find out that my son is not mine, I think it will be very difficult for me to forgive her. We are in counseling, but the issue I’m writing you about is with the boy. I will be crushed if I’m not his real Father, so how will our relationship be able to continue? Please give me some words of wisdom regarding my son.
-Uncertain Father
Dear Uncertain Father,
That’s quite a load you’re carrying. I’m sorry that you had to receive such devastating news from your wife. I imagine you felt your whole world come tumbling down at that moment. Naturally. The fact that your wife was unfaithful has caused resentment and broken your trust, but it’s not impossible to work passed this. Some people are incapable of overcoming the burden of broken trust, but many people overcome it. If you are able to forgive her, focus on the friendship and bond you share as husband and wife. This will take courage and work, but it’s not impossible. I know you didn’t ask for advice on your marriage, but I do want to mention that it was long ago. Perhaps she is not the same person that she was then. People grow and evolve. The fact that she came clean with you was not easy for her to do. It took courage and humility. While you are devastated by this news, I imagine she is devastated also, as is your son. As for the issue at hand with regarding paternity, I will say that a Father is a male parent by definition. You have assumed the role as Father to this child, whom I’m sure has brought much joy and purpose to your life. You think your relationship with your son will be destroyed if a black and white piece of paper delivers the verdict that he’s not your blood offspring. However, you are and have been his only Father from the time he was born. Unless another man has been present in his life all this time, raising him, loving him, providing for him and supporting him, you are his one and only Father. Your feelings of love will not change depending on those results. You have a powerful, important, and deep bond. Every child needs a Father and a Mother. Children who come from single parent homes are often unbalanced and troubled growing up. That’s not to disgrace every child with a single parent, that’s just what statistics show. Though some may do it, it’s hard to be balanced when you only have one parent. This is because a child needs balance to grow and develop. A Father is not necessarily the man who helped your Mother procreate. You call him your son because that’s what he is. He is the child that you raised and are still raising. No one can take away the time you have had together, the love you share, and the responsibility you have taken over him. Regarding the pending results, I say it doesn’t matter. Your son is just that; your son. If you feel the need to look at the results for closure, and they are not in your favor, then you must simply go and legally adopt your son on paper. This makes the role you play in his life official. Society both acknowledges and respects that choice. Focus on the child’s future and happiness. Some biological Fathers are completely missing in the lives of their offspring. Some biological Father choose to not be involved, and neglect or don’t even acknowledge the babies they bore. It takes a real man with a strong heart to stand up to the plate and love an innocent child who needs help and direction. Isn’t that what you had when you were little? Hopefully your answer is yes, but if not, then you know what it’s like without a Father and you should want him to have what you didn’t. A lot of children don’t even have a Mother let alone a Father, and they are at the mercy of human kind. They wait for someone with a calling to show up and adopt them, assuming roles that their biological parents abandoned. This boy does not have a man in his life, to set an example to him and show him how to navigate life. You have been that for him. If you take that away because of a mistake your wife made and a test that shows you how, I would consider it a grave injustice to this child and to you! You need each other and so you deserve each other, in the sense that you love him and he loves you. This precious boy was a gift and a privilege to your life, and you to his. Be grateful that you have each other, and remember that love breaks all written boundaries. Doesn't it sound silly to worry if YOUR son might not be YOURS?? Of course he is. You don't want to miss out on his life. Uncertain Father, be certain that you are every bit a Father as a Father could be.
