Approaching Someone about their Weight

Dear Charlie,
I know a lady with a beautiful smile. We are not necessarily friends, but I interact with her on a regular basis. She seems like a lovely person from what I can see, but our conversations only go as far as “hello, how are you?” and “thank you, have a good day”. The thing is that she is extremely obese. I love health and practice yoga regularly. I have always cared about people’s health. When I see this woman, I want her to live a better life. She is such a nice person to be around, but I feel that her weight is stopping her from living the quality life that she could be living. I want to reach out to her, but don’t know how to do it without sounding rude. She is always eating and seems comfortable in her skin. Even if her weight is genetic, I feel that some minor adjustments to her diet and lifestyle could make a world of difference. How can I lend a hand without offending her?

-Practicing Namaste

Dear Practicing Namaste,
It’s incredibly sweet of you to want to help this woman. The problem is that you know nothing about her. You also don’t really know each other. You don’t want to come across as a volunteer coach to someone who didn't ask for advice and doesn’t want any. That would be a quick and easy way to get on their bad side. Do you just want to help this woman lose weight? Or do you want to be her friend? Hopefully you want to be her friend, because that would mean you really care. Otherwise, I would say it’s not your place to get involved here. If you’re not really interested in being friends with her, then it’s possible that your concern about her is shallower than you’d like to admit. You can only assume so much by looking at someone on the surface. There could be many complications to their life and all kinds of things that you don’t know about them. It’s no one’s place to decide what’s right for another person, especially a stranger. All you know is what you see here; which is a woman who could afford to lose some weight in your opinion. It would be different if she asked for your assistance. People, who approach strangers with concerns about their weight, just send the message that they are disgusted by looking at them (which is incredibly rude). You also don’t want the ulterior motive for your entire friendship to be about trimming her down to size. If you’re going to help, you first need to establish a level of trust. Remember that friendships, like relationships, are built on mutual respect and trust. There are many ways to help our friends lose weight, without being pushy or oppressive about it. Make her feel comfortable and accepted. In other words: be her friend. A real friend cares deeply. If you become friends, you must give it some time before you approach her weight issue. As her friend, share your passion for health with her. You can do so tactfully by incorporating health topics into your conversation. See how she responds, because she must show interest. If she does show interest, then continue to be supportive and understanding, yet consistently encouraging. Maybe you could playfully invite her to a yoga class, and ensure that every kind (shape and size) of person practices yoga. You could enlighten her by sharing success stories about the many people who have battled weight issues with yoga and other healthy exercise forms. You must express that you care about her as a whole, and not just her weight problem. If you’re lucky, you will be able to level with her in such a way that she becomes inspired to help herself. You may find over time that she shies away from your advances and wants nothing to do with it. Ultimately it’s her choice. You may not be able to get through to this particular woman, but there are a lot of people in the world with similar problems who want help. Some say it’s better to let the problems come to you, than to go after them unwarranted. I appreciate your proactive attitude towards health. You could set a great example to others on a larger scale. You have a passion for helping people, so why not combine that with your passion for health and become a yoga instructor or something? I wish you luck. Maybe once you are certified, you could pay her a visit and invite her to join your class? This field could be a really appropriate life path for you. Let me know what happens!

"She Flirts with my Boyfriend"

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend works with a fun group of people his age. We are often invited to events with them. Everyone gets along well, but one of the girls in the group flirts shamelessly with my boyfriend right in front of me. She has a boyfriend, but he doesn’t seem to mind. When I talk to my boyfriend about it, he says she’s like that with everyone, but I beg to differ. Having hung out with her several times, it’s obvious to me that she is only like this with him. I feel that he encourages her flirting and in fact, they have incredible chemistry! This really bothers me, but he won’t admit it. I don’t trust this girl at all. Do I need to be concerned that they are spending so much time together, even if it’s at work?

-Worried Girlfriend

Dear Worried Girlfriend,
My answer is yes, but don’t blow a gasket just yet because that’s not the actual issue here. When it comes to work environments, playful flirting among colleagues often becomes part of the regime balance. While seemingly harmless advances are reciprocated, their playfulness is playing with fire. Most people flirt at some point or another, whether in front of their mate or not. In mild cases, it simply shows a healthy sexual appetite. However, many affairs are spawned out of the workplace too. The real problem here is that your needs are not being met, and the trust between you two is not solid. You are entitled to not be perfect in either of those categories, because no one is. For the happiness and longevity of your relationship, you need to always be working on areas that you are lacking in. In your situation, you have a need to feel appreciated and special to your boyfriend. Yea? On the contrary, your boyfriend has a need to be himself freely in both work and social atmospheres. If it makes you nervous that he has a charming nature (which will spill over into his workplace), then you need to work on trust with him. Think about what you liked about him when you were first attracted to him. Was it that he was a charmer? This may be part of his personality. The question is if it works for you as a couple. In an ideal situation, the two of you would be able to compromise on needs when they clash. When your needs are not meeting at eye level with his, the result is that you feel hurt. Your boyfriend should try to be sensitive to your needs, while you try to understand his. I’m unable to make a good judgment as to how serious this flirting is (with the information given). Whether or not he is just being himself, or allowing something to go on between himself and his colleague, is unclear. If I were you, I would pay attention to the dialogue being exchanged between him and her. You have the right of way to butt right into their conversation, and put her in her place if needed. Take the assertive route with this girl. Is your boyfriend really crossing the line? Or is it just his response to her? Perhaps he is just being polite? I hope so, for your sake. Is this "chemistry" you talk of, possibly in your head? I'm not saying that you are crazy, I'm just hoping that you have nothing to worry about. Some people will tell you that these are your insecurities or that you are jealous, but it’s not always black and white. Some people's concerns are validated completely. It sounds like you and your boyfriend still need to have some key conversations. These would be the conversations involving intentions and needs. Is he behaving the same way he would, if this flirty girl were you? That would naturally make me feel threatened. You shouldn’t expect your boyfriend to stop being a charming guy, if he has always been one naturally, but you should expect him to honor you. Flirty-pants girl is clearly disrespecting you, but do you really feel that he is? Have you been hurt in past relationships by any chance? That would indicate that most likely you have just learned to keep your eyes open. I would advise you to stay on your toes around this girl. Keep your interaction with her brief and remain politely guarded. Maybe she is threatened by you as a person, and does it intentionally? After attempting to be friends with her and learning that you can’t trust her, she is coming across as one of those girls who gets a rise out of flirting with another woman's man. Some of us do not conduct ourselves in this way because we respect other women. Over time, you may become comfortable with your boyfriend’s social skills, or learn that he responds politely to aggressive advances. Hopefully he is a decent and moral person. It will take time to get to know him better. Perhaps your boyfriend makes this girl feel good about herself, so she uses being around him as an opportunity to hone on her flirting skills? It may have nothing to do with her feelings towards him, but more to do with his personality. An important question to ask is: do other women typically flirt with your boyfriend? That would be a sign that it's him. Perhaps he just has that effect on women naturally? Perhaps he is encouraging her, but not intentionally? She’s most likely just a really selfish person who is accustomed to being the center of attention. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and the men who appreciate them are boneheads. She would rub most women the wrong way. Perhaps your boyfriend is happy at work and not trying to cause problems. I would say to ignore her, but stay abreast on the issue. It will probably fade out, but then again, all women are a threat to women whose men aren't faithful. Chew on that for a while.

Reading His Emails

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 month and a half. When we talk about being serious with each other, he says he's ready for this and not a flirt. Well, I accidentally read his email today and discovered that he initiated several really inappropriate conversations with other girls. I'm so shocked because this is not the guy I know. We have been spending so much time together, and I don't know how he could have room for anyone else, let alone several different girls. His naughty emails have really thrown me off guard, in terms of who he is and who he pretends to be. Is it over?

-Unpleasantly Surprised

Dear Unpleasantly Surprised,
I don't know, is it? Your relationship is over when either you, him, or both of you decide to end it. I'm pretty sure he is happy with things the way they are, so the question is: do you want to end it? If you want to know if your concerns are valid, I will tell you... Guys will talk and talk and talk until there's no tomorrow, proclaiming themselves to be gallant, brave, and trusted companions. They will look us straight in the eye and say they are the man of our dreams. They may verbally charm us into believing they are whoever they say they are, but like DMX says; "talk is cheap". Some men are skilled little actors, who try on different personalities to impress us (or get us where they want us). I think that you almost have to enter into a relationship deaf in the beginning. Pay attention to what he does, and take what he says lightly. When your new guy is busy boasting about how great of a boyfriend he is, just think to yourself "that would be nice..." (if he were these things), but more importantly, he must prove that he is. Do you buy a car just by the salesman's description of it? Or do you test it out to see how it runs first? Welcome to the world of dating. It's an egotistical game to some people, but for others, it's a process of finding someone special to spend their life with. Part of getting to know someone, is synchronizing what they say with what they do. When those two things contradict, you've got a problem on your hands. While your boyfriend maintains that he is "ready for this", what he is showing you is that he is not. In fact, he is still playing around and not serious at all. He's expressing interest in other women which proceeds taking action with them. That's not how someone who is ready for a serious and committed relationship behaves. No?

Sometimes women have a hard time accepting the truth about their guy, even when it's right in front of their face in black and white. They prefer to live in La-La Land because it's easy to stay in denial. When you've been listening to your man talk for so long, you may buy into false perceptions about him. It's success on his part, but brainwashing on yours. It's no easy task weeding out romantic frauds. Your boyfriend may want to be "ready for this and not a flirt", but hasn't achieved that level of emotional sophistication (yet). Maybe he will one day, or maybe he wont. I think that men who talk too much about these sorts of things, are waving a red flag. Someone who is genuine with others, doesn't need to announce their qualities in such a fashion, because they know they are and what they are not. Someone who is real with themselves, is also sure of themselves. They know that over time, people either will or wont see them for what they are. A good, decent guy sees no sense in pretending. You don't want a guy with an "eye on the prize" mentality, who talks himself up as though he's trying to sell you an ideal. You want a guy who focuses on the longevity of companionship, and appreciates how rare it is to find that special someone. Don't be fooled. Men can be just as insecure as women, if not more.

People who like to play games when it comes to questions, are usually playing games in all areas of their life. It's a simple concept. I think straightforward questions are productive. Ask him what his intentions are with you. If he had email dialogue with just one girl, I would say you could work that out. Granted that the flirting was only borderline and that he had a history with that particular person. Guys (and girls) are entitled to some elbow room for old relationships to dwindle out, when they are entering into knew ones. However, since your guy is chatting up several girls at once, all of which are new prospects, then that's entirely different. He is showing signs of being a serial flirt, and that's cause for concern. You don't want to invade your boyfriend's privacy on a regular basis. It can become addictive and set you into a whirlwind of paranoia. If you do read an email or two by accident (or chance), he can't hide behind the privacy invasion defense forever. He must acknowledge how he has disrespected and disgraced you, let alone hurt your feelings and made you question his intentions. You have the right to confront him with disappointing email discoveries. Be clear with him as to what you are OK with and what you are not. Communicate. Apologize for delving into his personal affairs, and explain that you couldn't help yourself because they were suspicious. Leave no room for excuses. Unfortunately, a guy who gets defensive is usually guilty or hiding something. Some guys (especially actors) are just very flirtatious by nature, and the women who date them must be OK with it. If this is a characteristic that doesn't work for you, then you have to move on from him in order to be happy. Can you live with his wandering eye? Does that work for you? Or is he feeding your insecurities by his lack of loyalty? You must ask yourself these honest questions, no matter how hard they are to answer. Life gets so much easier when we keep it real. Let's face it; if you can't take what he says for face value, then you have no trust. Since relationships are built on the foundation of trust, I would say that yours is crumbling. Unless he takes a serious 180 degree turn right away, you may become very unhappy and unfulfilled by him. Your trust in him has been totally shaken. His fault, not yours. Perhaps he intends to protect you from this side of him, but you have a right to know. Who wants to live in someone's lie? Maybe you felt something inside of you die or end when you read those emails, in which your heart is trying to tell you something. Any reasonable person would feel betrayed over this. Is it over? That's your call. Perhaps it's the beginning of the end. Rebuilding trust after this will take a lot of effort on his behalf. I hope he's up for the job.

P.S.
If you decide it's over, don't think you are hopeless. Listen to sad music and purge your sorrow immediately, so that you can be ready to meet someone better. You should never accept anything less than what the last guy gave you. Raise that bar girl, RAISE IT. With this recipe in mind, the next guy will be everything the last one was and much, much more.

Girlfriend Only on Weekends

Dear Charlie,
My honey is earning his PhD. He is so busy at school that we barely get to spend time together. We have one day a week together, and the rest of the time he is busy. When we are together, everything is dreamy, but as soon as he leaves, I feel lonely and neglected. I won’t hear from him for 5 days at a time. I know his PhD is important, but I have needs when he's not around. I adore him and want to be with him, but its tough waiting for him each week. It will be another year before he completes his PhD. If I say anything, I might push him away even more. Growing up stinks!

-Weekend Girlfriend

Dear Weekend Girlfriend,
There are some key basics to think about here. Earning a PhD is a time consuming task, and that's an understatement. Congrats to your boyfriend for being a dedicated scholar. I think the most important elements in successful relationships, are adaptation, compromise, and communication. It’s a tricky task, though not impossible, and highly rewarding. If your guy is as wonderful as you make him sound, then you must be a good match. However, it is not a good sign if the guy you are dating only contacts you once a week. Men whom you are not romantically involved with, will disclosed to you that if they like a girl, they want to talk to her. It’s possible that you have more free time than he does, but it's also possible that this is the extent of the communication he wants to have with you. If it's hard for you to adapt to his schedule, then this relationship needs some compromise on behalf of both parties. People are entitled to be on different pages in life. The compromise of relationships is about merging lives together and trying to make each other happy. A good relationship should not be one sided. Maybe your relationship needs time. Eventually when you both become more grounded and available to each other, maybe your relationship may go to the next level. Whether or not you deem a year as being worth waiting for in the long term, is up to you. It's not very romantic to wait around for someone all the time. Then again, you might sacrifice him for someone more "perfect", only to possibly be single for another year, just looking for his replacement. By that time, he may be ready for you. I would say to ride this one out a little bit. Accept the goals that he is working towards and be supportive. In the long run, he may become a very successful person. For now, I would say to be patient and try your hardest to make this work. You need to tell him how you feel though, so that he knows. He may have no idea you are feeling this way. Don't ask him to change, but do expect compromise. He should care about your happiness. You want him to know that you miss him when he's not around. He will probably like hearing that. A lot of people break up unnecessarily on the grounds of "bad timing" just because their partner is still in school. They forget that school is temporary. They jump to the conclusion that their partner isn't right for them just because they aren't immediately on the same page. They sometimes miss the point, which is that love progresses and evolves over time with compromise and adaptation. You don't want to jump the gun, because nobody knows what the future holds. Some people insist on breaking up, only to spend the next 3 years of their life in an endless and exhausting love hunt of meaningless dates. Meanwhile, they could have been patient and worked it out with someone who actually was compatible with them, but is now engaged to someone else. Some people are just looking to fill a constant void in any way they can. Are you hoping to get married soon? Hopefully not because with this guy, it sounds like it's a ways away. Relationships are not just about what we want, they are a balance of what we want AND what our partner wants, and helping those needs work together.

If we look at dating over time, you will note how it changes as you age. The more you experiences you have, the more your romantic preferences change. As young ladies, we often have fantasies in our heads of what our perfect mate is like. We have impossibly high standards because of what we see on film and in magazines. The reality is that the majority of Ken dolls that girls drool over on film and television, are gay or tragically corrupt and not suitable, realistic partners whatsoever. We don’t know what’s real any more. We fill out a mental order form for a perfect Romeo and only accept applications for what looks like to be our exact fit. In doing this, we miss out on the best partners. I call this chasing the stars. This isn’t how life works though, and we get disappointed by the “Romeos” who fail us. The couples I know who seem happiest, say they were not the typical prototype to each other. Traditional dating periods or courtship processes in the past were often brief. Today, they can be long and grueling. Some people start their relationships long distance. Some people don't even get to pick their partner. In some countries two people are married off as strangers and are expected to copulate on the day of marriage. Sheesh! Here in America (2010), we are highly civilized and fortunate to not only have control over all of these things, but to be as picky and choosy as we want. Our current culture and all its modern technologies has taught us to multi-task in ways that aren't natural for human beings. We take a phone call while speeding down the highway and doing our makeup. We check our email while standing in line at the Post Office with two kids and a cup of coffee. We carry our Ipod, Iphone, Ipad, and blackberry with us wherever we go so that we will have every communication option in the world at our finger tips. How convenient. We can never be bored. We can never miss a call or an email. We can never be alone with ourselves without a toy. We can never go a minute without being over stimulated. Relationships are not flawless the way our technologies are. I think our demands and expectations of people are sometimes up to the standards of machinery. We take for granted the human things that matter. I am a fan of human love. I think some people would prefer a droid.

There is nothing more difficult in this world, than finding someone to share your life with. We must be willing to grow with someone. If you found a good guy, and he's wonderful, I'd say that's a find worth waiting for, even if you are slightly inconvenienced. If your schedules don’t match, or if you think a better match exists somewhere out there in the world, ride it out. Be sure that you are right about the person, before jumping the gun. People are coming from all different walks of life. The couples with the greatest longevity are the ones who kept an open mind, were grateful, patient with each other, and valued what they found (when they found each other).

Hold on steady to this guy; find ways to occupy your time when he is working toward building a future (possibly for both of you). When you are together, cherish that time together. Tell him how it makes you feel when you don't hear from him for days. You have to be somewhat bright to achieve a PhD, so I think he will appreciate your feelings and act on them. If he does not, consider ending the relationship because he's not reciprocating your feelings. It takes time to find a balance that works and to unite lives with someone. That’s what marriage is for. Life is not perfect, despite how our modern technologies fool us to think it is, and neither are we. We are just human, after all; perfectly imperfect in many ways. That is the beauty about us. Love comes in many packages. Be grateful when you find it, but beware of falsely identifying it or throwing it away.

Witnessing Shady Business

Dear Charlie,
I introduced my friend to a guy I work with and they have been dating for the past 3 months. I'm friends with the guy, but only through work. I don't know much about his personal life. My friend and I have been close for a long time. The other day, I saw him meet another girl outside of our building. They were in a very heated and passionate argument. From the looks of it, it seemed like they were romantically involved. I'm sure that my friend is unaware of whoever this girl is. Should I tell her or just stay out of it?

-Getting in the Middle

Dear Getting in the Middle,
You feel conflicted for obvious reasons. At the risk of becoming a snitch on your colleague, you feel a greater responsibility to protecting the heart of your friend. In this particular situation (friends with both of them), you are obligated to be honest with him yet protective of her. Loyalty to friends and partners is important, but that’s the whole point here. He is giving you reasons to believe that he is not loyal. Whatever he's got going on appears to be cause for concern. I feel that your obligation to be the eyes and ears of your girlfriend overrules. It's never safe to assume anything, but your eyes don't lie. Based on their body language, relationship dynamics were suggestive. The possibility exists that she could have been a sister upset about family matters, an old fling who just won’t go away, or a desperate homeless woman he has been helping. Most likely, she is exactly what you perceived her to be. Ask him about it. My guess is that you saw too much. You could approach him in a "not that it's any of my business but..." kind of way, and see what he has to say. Or you might tell him that you want to be a good friend to both of them; but that you feel she has the right to know if he's seeing someone else. Depending on how close you are with this guy, he may or may not confide in you, or divulge the truth. You must do the right thing. In this case, I feel that the right thing to do would be to tell your friend. Mention it casually as though you are not making assumptions. Let her decide what to do with the information you relayed to her. Besides, you are her friend. You want what’s best for her. Right? Real friends are there for each other; rooting for each others success. Naturally, if you witness someone in the act of betrayal against your friend, you should want to stand behind her. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be informed. Some people might believe you saw your coworker’s secret rendez vous for a reason. Some people might even say that your loyalty to your friend is being tested by a higher power. Spiritual views aside, you should be proudly loyal to your friend. You may decide that giving your colleague a heads up is a good idea. If you don't want to make him uncomfortable, there are ways to go about this gently. You don't have to corner him with interrogating questions; you can approach the situation with subtlety. Shoot him an email. Lay it on smooth and easy, maybe even with a twist of cutesy humor. "You're not messing around on my girl are you? Because I might have to hurt you hehehe…" If he doesn't have a sense of humor about it, then you might just say "Look, you're such a cool guy and I’m so happy my friend is dating you, but I'm just looking out for her...Does she need to be concerned about what I saw?" He may or may not acknowledge what has transpired, or even worse, he may be guilty and in denial. Remember, you don't know what's going on. You only know what you saw. If he gets defensive, tells you it's none of your business, or calls you a nark, then he is probably shady, immature and not to be trusted. Then you can go directly to your friend and tell her what you saw. If he is a decent and respectful guy, he may be good enough to come clean with you about the situation. If he says he will tell her on his own, make sure he does by following up. Do this by going to your friend in a suggestive kind of way, and probing her for any recent relationship stints. At that point, if she is oblivious, then he didn't tell her and it's on him because you confronted him. The cards were on the table. Confess to her what you saw and how you handled the situation. Explain that you gave him the chance to tell her but he didn’t take it. Hopefully he wasn’t planning on telling her after you have this conversation. Either way, you are in the middle because he put you there, either on purpose or by accident. Don't be ashamed of your friendships. Be publicly loyal to your friends. Let people know where you stand. Any reasonable person would understand what friendship and loyalty is all about. In fact, a reasonable person should expect loyalty in this case, because it goes with the territory. Definitely don't stay quiet. Not saying something breaks the code of friendship laws. By taking a passive stance in the matter, you keep your friend in the dark and make a fool of her. She would be very hurt to find out you saw something suspicious and didn’t report it. People who are straightforward have strong character. Go for it without hesitation. Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you prefer to live in fairyland with the help of a hollow "friend"?

Immaturity at Every Age

Dear Charlie,
I work with people who are a little younger than me. Despite the fact that I’m only a few years older than the majority of them, I feel ancient in comparison to their lifestyles. All they ever talk about is partying, getting drunk, and picking up guys or girls. It’s so immature to me. I’m just way past the phases they are going through. I want to be friendly with the people I work with, but I can’t help getting annoyed whenever they get together. I don’t want to seem like a snob, but I don’t want to be involved in their juvenile chat sessions either. What should I do?

-Feeling Older

Dear Feeling Older,
I think that when you’re in your twenties, it’s normal to find an equally blended mix of people who have it together and people who are still figuring it out. Maturity is about experiences, not age. There will always be people your age, older, or younger maturing at different paces. That’s just the way it is for every age group. Some people’s parents do everything for them and they never learn how to be responsible on their own. Some grown adults still party and act like college kids. Some people remarkably get it together very early in life, while others struggle and remain a mess throughout. Immaturity exists at every age. Dealing with irritating personality types is a challenge for everyone. The twenties are a strange and often times uncomfortable decade because it’s the time when everyone is finding themselves. You might meet someone who is 24, already married with two children and a house. On the flip side, you might meet someone 29, who is still single and partying. Depending on where you’re at in your life, how your relationships are going, what your family taught you about values, and what associations you put yourself in, everyone is on their own page. It’s all about experience. Young people in college tend to be egotistical, think they know everything, and that everyone values socializing like they do. It’s never safe to assume, but this is a young mentality that goes with the territory. That’s why colleges are so great because they confine all the young people together. Let the inexperienced hang out with the equally inexperienced. At the age when life is fresh and new, young people might think they have it all figured out, but nobody really does. There are plenty of stereotypes associated with certain age groups. A balding man in his forties is prone to mid life crisis spontaneity. A “creepy cat lady” might typically be a widowed woman with no children in her 60s. Two year olds are typically testy and prone to tantrums! A crass 20-something frat boy will typically boast about getting laid, boozing all night long, and hanging out with his “buddies”. A 20-something aspiring actress is typically naïve and desperate for attention, tries on friends like clothes, and talks a lot. While many of these stereotypes are right on the money, you can’t generalize an entire people. Everyone is own their own path. Some women in their 60s are in amazing shape, active in their communities, and highly social. Some men in their 40s are satisfied with life and raising stable families. Some two year olds are angels, some college guys don’t party at all, and some young aspiring actresses are incredibly inspirational. Not everyone keeps an open mind of the exceptions to every rule. Some people prefer to be judgmental. When it comes to colleagues, people should be more concerned with professionalism at work than recapping the highlights of last nights’ party. If you don’t have an outlet where you can be yourself, you will especially feel immaturity around you cramping your style. Your colleagues are testing your patience. When you’re at work, don’t get too comfortable. Focus on your work, yourself, the things you like to do, and the people you would like to do them with. Perhaps your colleagues also bug you because you hoped that by working with people your age, you would make friends. When your expectations were disappointed, you began feeling out of place. When you go to work, you are thrown into a circle of people you don’t mesh with. Though you may have it more together than they do, they are still people you must civilly engage with. Don’t hang out with them and DO avoid their dumb conversations. Remember, they are just people you work with. You do not have to get personally involved with them. Keep them at arm’s length, remain cordial, friendly, and even helpful, but don’t be afraid to voice yourself or be the only one who doesn’t party. “Elders” set a good example to bratty young people by being above the situation. People relate to those who are younger than them by remembering what it was like to be on their page. We need to respect our elders, but we also need to respect our youngers. When you interact with your colleagues, focus on the common grounds you have with them. Don’t hang out with them, or worry about being part of their group. Put on your “at work” attitude. You are your own person. Remember that people are individuals’ whether they want to be, realize it, or not. They are entitled to cling to their little clique party people, but you don’t have to be a part of it. That’s a good thing. You have better things to do, like finding people to talk to who you can level with. You need new associations. You don’t need an overabundance of interaction with people who get under your skin. It’s good to have balance. Having comrades to confide in outside of work would help you be able to brush them off more easily. You need to find people you can mesh with or else these people will continue to drive you nuts. Forget about them. Some of them might think of you as a goody-two-shoe, but that’s their problem. Their immature opinions don’t matter if they’re going to be obnoxious. You have no need for people like that. The people who matter are the ones who respect you, at every age. If something annoys you, show it. Stand your ground with confidence, knowing that you are further along in the process of life, and be glad you’re not in their shoes. Be proud that you’re not living your daily life in a constant state of drunken stupor. Be glad you have progressed from where they are. Be confident of whom you are and they may respect you for it. If not, who cares what they think of you? Be yourself. If you’re lucky, maybe someone equally annoyed by adolescent antics will soon get hired! Worst-case scenario; find a new job.

Denial about Naughty Boyfriend

Dear Charlie,
My friend is going through a really messy break up right now and it's all she talks about. Her boyfriend cheated on her habitually and she is aware of it but she kept taking him back. He calls her psycho yet she is still obsessed with him. Even now after they have broken up, it doesn't seem like they have really broken up because she still talks to him on a daily basis. I can't sit and listen to her sob story anymore because I think she needs to move on. I care about her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Am I doing the right thing by listening?

-Enough Already

Dear Enough Already,
You are a sweet, sensitive and considerate friend to her feelings. Nonetheless, you would be an even better friend if you were brutally honest with her. This honesty may be what she needs to snap out of it. Tell her the truth. She may not want to hear it, but the reality is that this sham of a relationship she is clinging onto is unhealthy for everyone involved (including you). Going in circles with someone doesn’t lead anywhere productive. It’s similar to having an unhealthy addiction. She would do herself a great injustice by giving this guy more chances; after he has proven himself to be someone she cannot trust nor rely on. She may have unrealistic or naïve expectations and hopes about him changing. If she keeps taking him back, but the results are not going to change. Her denial about him is causing you irritation because she's not being honest with herself. "First time, shame on him. Second time....." It's painful for some young women, to realize that they must start over with someone new, if they want to find a healthy and mature relationship. Some women just have a really hard time coming to terms with reality. They can't let go of someone they love who has lied to their face. They don’t understand that the person didn’t share the same values that they did, despite what was said. Talk is just talk. The way a man behaves is more important. We can try to convince people that we are what we say we are, but we only are those things when we display them. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, but you also shouldn’t live in a realm of suspicion. People need to have a healthy balance in new relationships by being wisely cautious. Trust must be earned, not automatically given. Some women feel like a failure when they are cheated on, but it’s not their fault. This is a time for your friend to find herself apart from the guy who has been a big distraction to her. It might be helpful for her to hear from someone (you) that you know how hard it is to cut ties with someone you love deeply. Guys who women get involved with sometimes claim they care about things their woman cares about. It doesn't have the same value until they exercise it, or practice what they’re preaching. I would say that you are being extremely considerate to your friend to keep listening, hoping she will figure it out on her own. However, you don't have to take this stance. You are perfectly entitled to lay down the law with her. Maybe she is stuck in denial so badly because no one is being honest with her. You can avoid the topic (or even her) until she confronts you about your distant behavior. At that point you will have no choice other than to tell her the reality of the situation. I suggest that you explain it to her up front. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy. This guy has successfully made of fool of her repeatedly, so you are done with him as her boyfriend and ready for her to find happiness. You do not support this guy in her life, disrespecting her, and you want her to find peace with someone who is a better match. In fact, she should start getting ready to be right for someone else as soon as possible. There’s no time to waste. It’s really quite exciting, but she doesn’t see it that way because she is being manipulated. If she isolates herself during this, then she’s putting herself exactly where he wants her. She needs to get out and socialize; meet other people and find support. Help her. If she keeps taking him back or even talking to him, she gives him the chance to manipulate her (and hurt her) again. This is foolish. Men will mistreat women to a point where it's royally selfish and unfair, driving them over the edge, and causing them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. I had a friend who was habitually cheated and she said "it did something to me that I really don't like. I didn't recognize myself." Men will be ridiculously unfair, and then have the audacity to call their girlfriends "psycho" when they struggle to manage life with them. Um, excuse me, no! No. She is not a psycho. She is responding to your ridiculous behavior! Guys who push their girlfriends over the edge with lies and betrayal, are a disease to the women who keep them around. I wish for every girl in this situation (caught in a web of a bastard’s shadiness) to snap out of it and move on too. Empowerment! Tell your friend that you are here for her, and that she needs to do whatever it takes to rid herself of this guy and his poison. You will be happy to help her be done with him. You understand that she cares for him, but he is not good for her. If she does not get the message or refuses to move on, then you must enforce some disciplinary tough love on her. Tell her point blank where you stand on the matter, and that you will not talk to her about him. You will not be around her if she is going to bring him up or keep seeing him because it’s unhealthy and you don’t support it. If she knows what's good for her, she will make a proactive decision to better herself by getting away from that “psycho”. Nobody can live like that. Not even you as her friend. It’s insane.

The Name-Dropper

Dear Charlie,
My college roommate works in the entertainment industry. She recently moved to LA, and has been constantly keeping in touch with me. I am not really a phone person, but she calls me daily. I feel like the only reason she calls, is to boast about her new lavish lifestyle. We never talked this much when we lived nearby, and now she suddenly wants to share everything with me. She constantly mentions celebrities she has partied with, worked with, or seen out on the town. She even posts updates on my Facebook wall about her exciting life. I used to like her, but I don’t like talking on the phone and her conversations annoy me. I'm happy with my life and don’t need a daily report on her LA experiences.

-Midwest Girl

Dear Midwest Girl,
This is an easy one. Stop taking her call. Become suddenly busy. When people move somewhere exciting (i.e. NYC, LA, Miami, Japan etc...), they tend to automatically assume that everyone who isn’t there wants to be. You do not have to sit through her obnoxious name dropping, chest beating, and bragging phone sessions. Since she’s in the second largest US city, you would think she would be too busy working in the avid entertainment industry out there, to have time to keep you updated. Why doesn’t she get a job at TMZ, since she’s so completely star struck that she can’t contain herself from reporting star sightings? Become unavailable. Don’t answer her calls any more. As for the Facebook thing, I think there's an option to filter wall posts or block people (if you get desperate). She may have been a cool roomie once upon a time, but now she is getting on your nerves. People change. Luckily she lives far away so you don’t have to deal with her or see her on a regular basis. Then again, if you were both in LA, she wouldn’t feel so special in comparison to you in the Midwest. She is looking for attention; someone to make her feel important. Lucky you. For some people, the city they live in is a major part of their identity. People in LA don’t typically feel special to other people in LA. They have to reach out to people in other cities, if they want recognition for where they live. If she is aspiring to stardom, she’s probably being sucked into that whole LA mind frame of fame chasers. The way she sees it, you are an opportunity for her to feel special or like a star. When that phone rings, ignore it. Don’t’ sweat it. She will find someone else to spoon feed her pompousness to. If she writes to you asking about why you haven’t been around, simply explain. Tell her that you have never been much of a phone person and that your “plate” is full at the moment. Basically tell her (in a nice way) that you have a life, and she needs to get one. She will get the picture and eventually stop calling. If not, you can always change your number and neglect to give her the new one. You aren’t obligated to remain friends with her, just because you used to live together. It’s great that you had a college roommate you got along with, because some people don’t even have that. Not that you’re at all interested in delving her psychology, but she’s probably having mixed emotions. In comparison to the rest of the country, she feels exclusive (and probably a little pretentious) to be living in a place where celebrities wine, dine, mingle, and work. She values them, but the things that are important to her, aren't important to everyone. Naturally being the new kid in town, she may feel a little scared but too egotistical to admit it. Thus she clings to something familiar from her past, meanwhile putting on a face of fearlessness. She’s looking for somewhere to put all this energy and it seems she has picked you. Good for her to have materialized a lifelong dream, but it’s not easy to be the new girl in a really big city, especially Los Angeles. LA is a big deal to many people, but there is a whole world outside of it. Over time she will acclimate, find new friends (hopefully), and get used to the idea that she lives in the entertainment capital of the nation (like thousands of others). For now, politely preoccupy yourself with other things and let LA deal with her.

World Cup Fanatic

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I live together, and share a television. There are a few shows that I watch regularly. Now that the World Cup is in progress, my boyfriend is dominating the television. It’s annoying. It’s like I’m not here when the game is on. He doesn’t want to hang out with me. He would rather stay home with his eyes glued to the television. I’m not into sports and am bored by the game, so I don’t know how to compromise with this. What about my favorite shows?

-Not Kicking It

Dear Not Kicking It,
Ahhhh the World Cup… It's only once every 4 years, yet your boyfriend would rather kick it with the soccer tournament, than with you. I like how you pointed out that you have only one TV between the two of you. Ha! Can’t pull the remote from his kung-fu grip? It’s a shame to have to miss out on shows you watch religiously, for your boyfriend’s love of soccer. However, the World Cup is an internationally celebrated tournament famous for its passionate fans. That being said, I’m not surprised by your boyfriend’s behavior. He is far from alone. American men can get pretty fanatical about football, but they have nothing on International soccer fans. Soccer (more appropriately known as “football”) is notorious for having the most extreme fans. Now is the time when people around the world come out of the woodwork to obsess over their favorite sport. A love fore one's country; a love for the national team. They take the term “fan” to a whole new level. It’s like a religion. Some countries see their soccer team as a sacred and beloved entity; equivalent in value to a spouse, family, or career. It’s unbelievable. I swear there’s nothing more fanatical. It is described as a spiritual connection. Players have died out there on the field during the game. Loyalty to the national team has often resulted in blood thirst on the streets, in the aftermath of a losing game. Angry soccer fans have been prone to vengeful conduct. They have rampaged, set things on fire, rallied, rioted, and even killed, all in the heat of soccer passion. It’s serious. That’s not all. During the World Cup 1994, Colombian player Andrés Escobar accidentally disgraced his team by kicking the ball into his own goal. When he returned to his country, he was killed by drug lords who had lost money gambling on the teams success. Can you imagine? It’s no joke to these people. They take it outrageously seriously, to a point of life or death in some cases. There’s nothing wrong with liking sports. Sports give its fans an escape into an exciting event of which they may pick a side. It creates kinship among allies. What is a game without fans? The players feed off of the encouragement of spectators, and this generates constant engagement of fans with the game. People feel a personal bond with their team. It is also easy to play sports, so after you watch a game, you can go out in the yard and have your own. Some couples aren’t compatible in their like or dislike of sports. If you are not a sports fan, then you simply have to compromise. Agree to disagree on sports. Differences in a relationship can be very healthy and keep things exciting. He likes soccer, you do not. Make yourself busy and just accept that this is a special time of year for people like him. Allow him to enjoy this, without necessarily par taking in it. By respecting his hobby, he has to return the favor by allowing you to have hobbies too (even if that includes watching shows when the game is on). We have to play fair. I know men who will carry a small television around during the World Cup. I think you can even watch it on your phone. There must be a compromise. Soccer is great and all but let’s try to keep our heads on and get our priorities straight. The relationship can’t go into one-sided mode when the World Cup is in progress. On the flip side, it’s good to take a break from TV sometimes, because our human eyeballs can only take so much staring at a screen. I understand that TV is a great stress relief for a lot of hard working people, but when it comes to the World Cup, there’s no contest. What did people do back in the times of no TV? They probably found other ways to entertain themselves. Maybe you should dust off an old book and start reading? You have options, but if it gets to be a desperate situation, you might invest in another TV. Anything to make the World Cup less painful for you. Since it's the featured attraction at bars galore, why don’t you suggest your boyfriend go out on some game nights? Maybe you can put a flip channel during commercials agreement into effect. It’s not ideal, but you don’t have to like all the same things. Soccer comes with your boyfriends’ package deal. As annoying as it might be, make sure you remain respectful of each other. All in all, I’d say that if this is the worst of your problems, you guys are doing pretty well.

Twin Tension

Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend has a twin and they have always been inseparable (not literally). There is a little tension between her twin and me, because she feels threatened by me. She worries that I will come between the two of them. She is having some financial problems right now and wants to come live with us until she gets on her feet. My girlfriend hopes I will understand and approve, but I’m really not happy about it.

-No Twins Attached

Dear No Twins Attached,
How phenomenal that your girlfriend is a twin! From soul mates to rivals, twins exist in every way. Each set of twins is unique in dynamic. Some twins are opposites, while others seem to be the same exact person. They are an involuntary partnership, which may be either embraced or resented. Some say that there’s no deeper connection and understanding than that of a twin. It sounds like your girlfriend has a comfortable companionship with her twin. However, not every set of twins gets along or accepts the constant presence of the other. Not all twins are attached at the hip (emotionally), but when they are, it’s described as an incomparably deep bond. Psychologists report that twin counseling is similar to couples therapy. Twins are a complicated phenomenon psychologically, because they often establish a balance between them that affords no room for anyone else. This causes tension in adulthood when romantic partners enter the scene. Many twins appreciate the value in having each other, and don’t take it for granted. They may become territorial or over protective of their “other half”. They are often intellectual and physical counterparts. They will finish each other’s sentences, talk in their own language, or even wear the same things. They are a pair. Their relation to each other is often how they identify themselves. It’s common in many households for twins to be raised as one being. Instead of being recognized as separate people, they are referred to as “the twins”. One of the most challenging things for twins to do as adults is become individuals apart from each other. Perhaps your girlfriend is more comfortable separating herself, while her twin is having a hard time individualizing. From her point of view, it has been just the two of them all this time, and then you came long to disrupt the flow. She naturally feels like she is competing with you for your girlfriend’s attention and affection, because she is. It’s challenging for some twins to disconnect, because of the history of their companionship. Twins are accustomed to always having each other. From your point of view, when you began dating your girlfriend, you didn’t sign up to date her twin too. You don’t want their (annoying) bond to invade the intimacy of your love. It feels like there are three of you in the relationship. Not good. What you are witnessing is an identity crisis, and the tender process of individuation. The real issue here is that she is your girlfriend’s family. That is the bottom line. Like a nagging Mother in Law, over bearing Father in Law, or high maintenance childhood pet, the twin comes in your girlfriend’s package deal. As time goes on, twins learn to function in the world without their sister or brother by their side at all times. They will always be twins, and that is a very special gift life has given them. As irritating as it might be, I think it would be big of you to allow her sister to stay with you TEMPORARILY, as long as there is a mutual respect. This is something they have to work on out of respect for you. Her twin will always be a part of her life and you cannot and should not try to change that. However, you are now an important piece of the puzzle too, and so her twin must make room for you. Maybe you can help her find a boyfriend…

Messy Boyfriend

Dear Charlie,
I have the messiest boyfriend on Earth. Ironically, he’s a smart and well rounded guy who is established in the world of finance. Yet, he never picks up after himself. He grosses me out because he leaves wrappers and food on the counter tops all night. His clothes remain in a pile on the floor where he took them off, for days on end. I try to help him and tidy around the house, but it’s tiring to keep up with. The sink is piled full of dirty dishes every night. I don’t know what to do. I love the guy, but phew!

-The Maid Service

Dear Maid Service,
Your boyfriend sounds like a talented man, in the category of mess making at lightning speed. You may ask yourself why, if he has established himself financially, doesn’t he invest in a cleaning service? It’s amusing to watch a full grown, (handsome) man create mayhem like an adolescent. You might think of him as a Superhero with the capacity to dirty a mile high stack of dishes on a daily basis. Firstly, let’s try to see it his way. It’s plausible that your boyfriend just has other things on the forefront of his mind. Perhaps it’s not important to him to clean, like it is to you. People have different priorities. Some people actually feel most comfortable in messes. I have an artistic friend who claims she cannot function if everything in her space is in order. She needs a little chaos to feel inspired. It’s just her style. That being said, perhaps your boyfriend is comfortable in the havoc he creates. Just like messes bother some people, really orderly spaces make others feel uncomfortable. Look for a compromise regarding the difference between your cleaning habits, and you may find a happy medium. Don’t expect him to be you, but he can adjust himself in small ways to make you more comfortable. Who knows why he does it? There are many possible reasons. The most obvious would be to assume that his Mom cleaned up after him, so he never learned. That’s not necessarily the case though. She might be a very organized woman. Maybe he takes after someone he admired growing up. Or maybe he is too busy and distracted to have time to clean. Studies show that if a man is messy, he is probably not anal, which is a good thing. Chances are he doesn't ask you to clean up after him. He probably just isn't getting to the mess as quickly as you'd like him to. Maybe you are prone to compulsive tendencies (like me). The bottom line is that if you don't want to be cleaning up after him forever, you must break the cycle. A messy boyfriend can be transformed into a slightly more self sufficient one, with a little loving enforcement. Nobody is perfect and I’m sure there are things you do that annoy him too. If he is the financial bread-winner in the relationship, then perhaps you could afford to do more household chores. Besides, this relationship is a partnership. It’s not your job to clean up after him, unless you make it your job. We take on different roles in a relationship to create balance. There are women who will spend the rest of their life cleaning up after a man. It’s a full time job for some wives. That may work for them, but maybe you don’t want to be “that girl”. You are not married yet, so it’s best to establish your limits beforehand. This is part of getting to know someone (your mate). If you marry him without confronting an issue that bothers you, it sends the message that the issue is acceptable. Then if you decide to start changing him after you are married, he will assume you have become dissatisfied and changed. That’s not really fair. You must have realistic expectations and play fair. Talk to him. Focus on what you love about your boyfriend and everything he has to offer you. The relationship should be worth it, regardless of what comes along. His messiness is a simple preference variation between you. Just like you have personality preferences, this is one area where you differ. You may find it unbearable (understandably), but he’s entitled to be a person who likes messes. If it bothers you to the point where you can’t rest, then he must put forth some effort to make you more comfortable. Set some guidelines. Tell him you’re willing to help with the laundry but if it’s not in the hamper, it’s not happening. Tell him that trash goes in the garbage and not on the counter. You must be persistent and he will get it. You don’t want to sound like a nag, so be playful when you do this. He may not come out on the other side as an immaculate Mr. Clean, but I believe he will improve. Over time, you will find a flow that works for the two of you. You may even get somewhat used to his disarray. A man, who is a little messy, is really kind of cute. After all, he needs you.

From Sisters to Business Competitors

Dear Charlie,
I started my own business a year ago. We are located in a high traffic, touristy part of town. I’ve been doing well, given the current economic state of the country. This was a childhood dream of mine that I have been able to bring to life. This was a huge undertaking and takes up all my time. I work very hard. My sister has always belittled my accomplishments. She is a housewife whose husband completely supports her. I am not married and provide for myself. Now she wants to open a store similar to mine in a nearby area. She has always rivaled with me, but this takes the cake. I feel that this is the most competitive thing she could do. This store is the air I breathe. I am furious.

-Bad for Business

Dear Bad for Business,
I can imagine your frustration. Your sister probably didn’t like to share and harbors feelings of resentment. She still feels threatened by you so she tries to steal your thunder. She sounds like a real “one-upper”. Here you are slaving away over your life time ambition, only for your own sister to behave as an “I can do that too” rival. Once again, we have a case of adult sibling rivalry; the oldest feud in the book. There’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, but when it’s driven by a vengeance or jealousy, that’s when things get ugly. Families are known to make each other miserable, but you don’t have to succumb to obsessive neurotics. Look at actress sisters Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine. They were both beautiful celebrities of their time. It is written that their only continuous problem was with each other. They were often up for the same roles, and nominated for the same awards. Talk about uncomfortable. This is not an uncommon life theme. If your sister is going to be so insistent on joining you in the world of entrepreneurship, then it would make more sense for you to go into business together. Make the suggestion just to see her reaction. It’s not likely that she will buy into the idea based on her eagerness to outshine you. The fact that she would go through all the trouble to put you out, is a little on the neurotic side. You could take it as a compliment that you are an inspiration to her but perhaps no one bothers her more than you, because you are similar. She may be in denial about you, OR she may be completely aware of your worth and utterly bothered by it. Perhaps she goes through these motions, to cover up her insecurities and feelings of inadequacy around you. She rubs it in your face that she is taken care of. Let her talk all she wants, actions speak much louder. She may want to go into business, but meanwhile, you ARE in business. It is a business which you built from the ground up with no help from her. That is unique. What she would be doing, is building off of your already established idea. Since you were established first, you hopefully have had time to gain some returning customers. You’d be surprised how loyal people can be to the stores they like. If you built personal relationships with your customers, they are probably comfortable seeing a friendly and familiar face. I mean, is your sister really going to go through all the trouble? Does she have any idea how much work goes into starting a business? Is she sure she wants to do this? Maybe you can coax her out of it by negating the progress... If she does want to open a store, maybe you two are similar and should agree to sell similar but different merchandise. What about sister stores? It's like; "if she THINKS she can just...." snap her fingers and hire a designer? Pay employees to do all the work? Or how about recreate what you did with your own two hands? Then so be it. It’s a shabby stab at being a copy cat. You can always hold your head up knowing that YOU earned what you have. No one can take away what you have done and don’t allow her to. Put her in her place. Ask her if she aspires to put you out of business… because her idea is a dirty tactic that business rivals maneuver. If she brushes it off, press her to recognize it. This is not fun and games. This is your time, your income, your dream, your money, and your life’s work. I say to be up front with her, and don’t dance around the issue. If you play the game with her, it could become out of control and downright ridiculous. Don’t waste your energy. You don’t want to go there. Be honest with her. Tell her how she makes you feel. If you both end up exploding on each other, then you needed to release the tension that built up over the years. It could be very productive for your relationship. You may even find yourselves laughing when it’s over. People are just people. This is nothing so unforgivable that you can’t work through with a little confrontation. It’s uncomfortable and it’s not easy, but it can be worked out. You have the right to live just like she does, even if she came first. She needs to stop taking her feelings of inadequacy out on you. Be direct, because by not stating how she makes you feel and pretending that you’re not furious about this, will only send the message that her behavior is acceptable, which it is not. You don’t need this crap from her, you need her to be your friend and supporter, so let her know unless you don’t want it to stop. After you have been honest with her negative effect on you, compliment her on all the things she does well. Feed her confidence. This way you acknowledge that she has issues of self esteem. You do not have to apologize to her for being born. Depending on the severity of her issues, she may not find the inner strength to be what you need her to be. In that case, you may find it best for you to spend the least amount of time together as possible. if one thing is for sure, you cannot go on like this. You will feel better and rest better at night if you get it out. Sometimes an emotional eruption is necessary when your nerves have been blown up like a hot air balloon. You’re going to pop! When it’s over, you can breathe again. For comfort, I also recommend the following movies featuring adult sibling rivalry at its worst: 27 Dresses, In Her Shoes, The Other Boleyn Girl, Raising Helen, Cruel Intentions, Adaptation, and even The Godfather.

Dealing with a Brat-Child

Dear Charlie,
My husband was married once before me and had a son. His son lives with his X-wife who is also remarried. We sometimes get his son on the weekends, but not regularly. I'm not a big fan of his X-wife, though we are cordial with each other and can civilly visit from time to time. The issue is that their son is a complete brat. He is so spoiled by everyone in the family. Everyone spoils him from his Grandmother, to his Aunts, and even his new Step-Father. My husband spoils him too. Whenever this kid is in our house, he is running the show and dictating our lives. It’s pathetic how my husband lets him boss us around. I feel like I should have a say in how we raise him as a couple in our household, but I’m not sure where to draw the line. This child has no discipline and gets whatever he wants. I can’t imagine how he will be when he is older.

-Cringing Step-Mother

Dear Cringing Step-Mother,
A rotten step child is a real doozie. It might make a drinker out of me. I am with you on this one. You're right, not only is this annoying, but it's also a problem. It’s painful to watch someone shower a greedy child with things because they will only learn to be ungrateful and demand more. When that someone is your husband, I would imagine it's even more irritating. Any quantity of attention or gifts to compensate for lack of love or being present in the child's life, seems like a poor parental tactic. It’s not that your husband doesn’t love his son; it’s that he is not very present in his life (as much as he might like to be). His harbored feelings of guilt drive him to want to overcompensate in unhealthy ways. He gives his son the driver’s seat and lets him call all the shots. Routines are very effective with children, so the child naturally accepts all he is given. Soon he is expecting it as a payment owed to him each time he returns, because your husband (and all parties involved) have made this a habit. Perhaps your husband feels that this is the only way he can win over his son’s affection. Ask him if it is working. It wouldn’t be surprising if after all his efforts; his child is still subject to tantrums, emotionally distance and ungratefulness. This is a dynamic that probably will get worse over time. It’s something that a lot of parents do after divorce. However, I feel that a passive attitude towards this behavior only condones it, and sends the message that it is acceptable. I think it’s completely reasonable that you stand your ground and voice that you do not support this behavior. He is not doing him any favors by placing an emphasis on material things or giving him the control over the household when he visits. He would be a more effective Father, even only on weekends, if he focused on strengthening their bond in productive ways by sharing quality time together. Parents should strive to teach their children to be humble and appreciate things. It’s not always easy, but you could help your husband resist his urge to indulge his son in every way. Children need love, and that comes in many forms. Children struggle with identity issues when their parents’ divorce. Children with divorced parents act out in different ways when they are coping with the loss of one or both parents. Our job as parents is to teach them, and guide them with consistency and boundaries. When they are guiding us, the process is backwards and over time they respect us less and less. I understand the difficult position you are in as a step parent and the only one not willing to carry on with it. You don’t want to be identified as the “wicked Step-Mother”. However, every child needs discipline and boundaries. It’s important to give children positive attention, but it’s also important to teach them that their ill behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise they can get away with murder. It is recommended by many child psychologists that encouragement should occur immediately. It is also recommended that punishments be brief but immediately following bad behavior. As soon as the child is naughty, they should be ignored (to show it is unacceptable) given immediate consequences. This takes patience but will result in improvement. It sounds like your Step-son has become addicted to doting attention that everyone is practicing. I think you would be wise, and set an excellent example in the long run, if you were to break the chain. You should really talk to your husband at length and explain this to him. Tell him it’s not helping their relationship or the growth of his son, and that you don’t approve of it in your house. You are a couple and need to do this together. Positive reinforcement is good, but to excess it is harmful. He is doing his son an injustice by providing with a dream world full of material things to live in. It’s not realistic. The people with the most character, experienced hardship and had to work for what they have. They understand the value of things and what it takes to earn them. Unconditional love is not paying for things or offering an endless supply of gifts. It is loving someone no matter what they do. Show him. Children are very receptive, and they learn quickly. In most cases, spoiling equals bratty behavior. The boy will not change or become a decent, intelligent, or compassionate person, until he is shown otherwise. Parents are responsible. You and your husband would change the boy's life by being good parents to him.

Letting the Grays Grow

Dear Charlie,
I’m an older woman who has always colored her hair. I like to keep up with current style trends. I do not have a mate, but I would like to find one. Lately my kids have been encouraging me to let my natural hair color grow in. It would be brave since my hair is gray now and I have never revealed it to anyone. Do you think I should keep coloring my hair to attract a boyfriend? Or let myself be natural for once?

-Hiding the Grays

Dear Hiding the Grays,
Human beings are visual creatures and first impressions really do last. We assume things about people when we look at them, whether we intend to or not. If a girl wears a short skirt and low cut top, we assume certain things about her character. The same goes for hair. You understand how style makes an impression. That being said, when I see older women donning a head of naturally aged hair, I am neither turned off nor disgusted. I find myself rather enchanted and curios about her. It's inspirational. I think it’s natural to fight the gray at first. I also think that gray hair sends the message “I’m not afraid of my age, and I have lived a full life”. It makes me want to know more about that person. I think a mature man would find this kind of confidence attractive too. You don't want a guy who is just looking for arm candy, do you? You are too good for that. I don’t know what kind of life you have lived, but I would find you more approachable if you appeared comfortable with it. Aging is a natural part of life, and it’s a shame when you feel you have to run away from it or cover it up. It’s no small wonder why anyone would feel like that. That’s what society has done to us. That's what's wrong with all of us. I would like you to know that you are completely acceptable and glorious to be the age that you are. There is room for everyone in this world. In fact, we need you. There’s too much youth and cosmetically altered “beauty” running ramped on the streets. Its polluting minds and making highly valuable people feel inadequate and unappreciated. Gray adds a lot of character and appeal to a mature woman. I think women who aren’t afraid to show their age in this society of youthful worship, appear strong and independent. An older woman with natural hair has an interesting appeal. She seems more like she doesn’t have regrets, and isn’t trying to undo the past, more than a woman with color. Dyes start to all look the same after a while. The natural color makes a person seem rather satisfied with the life they have lived, and unashamed. That’s a woman I would like to talk with. I admire it greatly. I think a lot of people feel that way, they just lack fortitude to admit it. If the people around us are making us feel inhibited about age, then we're in the wrong crowd. Gray hair is something obtained over time. You earned it and it’s your right to shine. There are those cases when someone young is experiencing premature gray growth, but that can be unique too. Society places a horrifying amount of emphasis on women to remain 20-something in body and mind. This pressure is ridiculous and unrealistic, and anyone buying into it is a fool. Youthful beauty is promoted for sales. Companies want to be rich so they create things you "need" and use manipulation for sales. What matters is who you are inside, not the clothes or the hair. You can project the inside out. Don't worry about pleasing everyone else. What about pleasing yourself? I have no need for people who want to reduce themselves to standards that disgrace the evolution and natural growth process of human beings. It’s silly. I understand being a stylish woman or having a passion for fashion, but gray hair can be quite sophisticated and fashionable. Grays and whites add a punch of color to a room full of brunettes and blonds. Chemically enhanced hair is a dime a dozen. How else would hair stylists stay employed? When you see a woman with gray roots, I think it sends the message that she is not comfortable with aging. I say embrace your age, and find a man who is on the same page, who will appreciate you for who and what you are. What better way to be yourself than to look your age? I know some men who feel that hair color is false advertising. Ha! If you are of a certain age where your hair is no longer the texture or color it once was, I don’t think that’s a loss. I think that’s an inheritance. You have inherited an appeal which shows you have lived and seen many things. Be free. If you want to keep maintaining a youthful appearance by coloring it, then that is your choice. There’s nothing wrong with being artistic or wanting to enhance the color of something. I colored my hair for 2 decades. You can also enhance your gray or brighten your white with a toner, without altering the color too much. What this world needs are more people who are willing to set a good, solid example to us young fools by being themselves. We need heroes. Anyone who confidently struts their natural hair color is a hero in my book. We need people to remind us that it’s acceptable to be what you are. The more the better! There’s room for every age and type in this world. We need older people to make us feel that life is a gift, and that aging is a wonderful part of that. Quite frankly, sometimes I can’t wait to be older so that I don’t have to deal with harsh modern day pressures. I guess I think that aging gives the green light to cast your cares to the wind. I really think society needs older and wiser folks to come out of hiding. What are we so afraid of anyways? That the girl in the magazine ad will be more beautiful than us? Big deal. Where is the depth and maturity? Where is the soul? Where is the beautiful older woman with her natural hair, showing me that I am acceptable at any age? I have seen many attractive older ladies, with beautiful long locks of silver, gray or snow white. They are a breath of fresh air every time. Thus, I am rooting for the grays. Your children love you and have a wonderful idea…

Learning to Cook

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. I’m very excited about the idea of spending my life with him, but I have some anxiety. I’m concerned that I won’t be able to satisfy him with what he needs. The reason is because I’m a terrible cook and he loves homemade food. His mom ruined it for me because she is an amazing cook. She cooked everything from scratch when he was a kid, and still does. Who has time for that? I don’t even know how to make chicken. It’s not something I enjoy either. I told my boyfriend that it’s just not me. I know he will not expect me to be the best, but I feel bad.

-Doomed in the Kitchen

Dear Doomed in the Kitchen,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m chuckling to myself because of how much I know this feeling. Let’s just say that “Cookistan” was a country I did not want to visit. Ha! When I met my husband, his mother was a royal nightmare. Not because she was hard to deal with or anything. Oh no, she was as sweet as pie and I had a great deal of admiration and respect for her. She was a nightmare because she was an astonishing chef! I felt the doom you feel in the worst way. She had a natural talent with food. She would make these really elaborate, exotic meals. She was concocting all kinds of crazy things, with spices I have never even heard of. Meanwhile, here I was trying to boil pasta without over cooking it. I thought “I will never be able to match this”. How did she do it?! Her culinary skills were so advanced, that I thought I might be better off forfeiting our relationship before I disgraced myself. I hated messing with food and I became a nervous wreck any time I stepped in the kitchen. I assure you that nothing was more intimidating to me than cooking. When you have minimal to no cooking skills, it’s overwhelming to experience the sophistication that other women have achieved. I had never been much use in the kitchen and my Mother’s dishes were very basic. Now I was an adult with no experience or know how, holding hands with a man with a refined palate. I wanted nothing to do with cooking. I had better things to do. It’s like you said: “who has time for that!?” Some women don’t cook throughout their whole marriage, and their husbands deal with it. That would be your choice. It’s hard to go domestic when you’re used to being career minded. However, I honestly feel that the old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” has some truth. Your boyfriend may not demand you to serve him daily, yet you feel the pressure because he’s used to good food. I have news for you: you are not doomed. In fact there is a lot of hope! I can tell you from experience that this is something you can hone over time. With consistency, trial and error, you too can become a decent home chef. The trick is to start small. I would often pick advanced recipes that were far beyond my capabilities. When they resulted in catastrophe, I wouldn't want to cook again for a month. Don't start with enchiladas or "baked basmati with currant stuffed trout", start with vegetables and rice! Don’t overwhelm yourself, or else you will become discouraged from trying again. It’s like anything else you do in life. There are many levels, but you can become more accomplished by starting small and working up. Your boyfriend’s mom wasn’t born with immaculate recipes programmed into her head. She had to learn it from somewhere. Imagine how proud your boyfriend would be of you, if he saw you putting in the effort? Explain to him that you have a lot of anxiety about cooking, but that you want to try. He will be grateful. If you want to nurture him and his happiness, it would be good for you to give it a try. Out of respect to the relationship, his childhood, and the love you share. I would watch the Food Network and make note of tips that looked easy to me. People on the Food Network really are helpful! I started to put things together. I ruined many, many dinners, but I kept on trying. I started to think positively about cooking. It’s ok to mess up, because you won’t mess up forever. Not if you try. I promise that if I can do it, ANYONE can. You may go through cycles. Sometimes you will hate it, or resent the time and effort you put into it if it’s a disaster. Other times you will enjoy it, think it's fun, or even love it when it’s a success. It’s very exciting when it starts to click. You become less nervous, and more anxious to create a tasty meal. Maybe the idea of spending time in the kitchen sweating over a 3 course meal, is not what you had in mind for your future? I’m not saying you should quit your job and stay home doing laundry and dishes too. It’s good to round yourself out. You don’t want to be all about one thing. You need balance. You can still be a career woman and make time to cook. The transition from girlfriend to wife is a maturity not just in your relationship, but also as a woman. When you are married, you become responsible for each other. Everything is shared, including meal planning. It’s something you could do together. It’s great when cooking is a shared responsibility. My husband is a wonderful cook (thanks to his mom). You don’t have to do it all single handed. Sometimes you may not have time, but once in a while would be a nice start. Maybe you can cook on the weekends at the beginning, and then advance into a couple times a week. Before you know it, you will be making dinner every other day. You have more potential than you think you do, you just don’t know where to start. The reason you dread it, is because it's new to you. It becomes enjoyable the more you learn. Pretty soon you’re cooking Boeuf Bourguignon! Let me know how it comes out because I’m not even that far along yet! It will also surprise you how many foods with an elegant appeal, are simple to make. Did you know beets are easy to boil? When presented on a plate, they add an interesting splash of color. Tilapia fillets are healthy and light. You throw them in a pan lightly oiled, and cook them for 6-7 minutes on each side. Salads sound boring, but can become very exciting with the addition of almond slices, broccoli, sun dried tomatoes, avocado, and shaved cheese. See? Presentation can be fun too! It’s such a creative art medium. They don’t call it the culinary ARTS for nothing. I believe in you, so don’t give up on yourself. It is a feat that you too can concur. Don’t be afraid, dare to venture into the mysterious world of food preparation and make it out alive.

Making Friends after College

Dear Charlie,
I’m a college graduate who has moved away for work. I enjoy my job, but I’m not making new friends. The only people I know are the people I work with and I see them enough on a daily basis. I don’t want to hang out with them outside of work too. My good friends from college are all in different places. I just don’t know how I’m going to meet people and I’m going nuts.

-Lonely Working Girl

Dear Lonely Working Girl,
College is such a social atmosphere. It’s so easy to meet people there because campuses promote collective activities. In a college; you’ve got a population of (mostly) same age students living in the same vicinity, doing the same things and constantly interacting. It's a special time. Too bad we can't stay in college forever. It the easiest place in the world to connect with people. Colleges set you up to meet people your age. College dorms practically hand you your friends. People living on the same floor or in the same building may have differences, but they have so much in common that they adapt to each other. They're all going to class! People leave their dorm rooms open and study in public places where many others are studying. Someone is always having a party, and classes are rooms full of people the same age. The chance that you will connect with someone there is highly likely. Most universities dominate the entire city they dwell in too. Take for instance Cambridge, Massachusetts. The streets of Cambridge run ramped with mainly one kind of person: Harvard University and MIT students. They're in the restaurants, bars, convenient stores, etc. You will find friends there if you are among them. Outside of the college culture, there’s every age and type of person to reckon with. Naturally since your day consists of going to work and coming home, there’ no social network for you to tap into. You’re right; it’s hard to meet people outside of college, a lot harder. I think you need to get involved in “extracurricular activities” if you want to meet people. This is just something that people in the real world have to do. You should keep your connections with your college friends going. It's good for you. Stay connected to a fun and productive part of your past. Since you only really have the evening and weekend hours to work with, you should utilize them with hobbies. Do you like to exercise? That’s always a fun way to meet people. Just get out and start doing things. Maybe you can take yourself to the movies. You might feel silly by yourself, but people are attracted to independence so you might be surprised who you meet. The worst thing you could do is go home and sit on your computer all night. Unless you’re into online meet up groups and stuff like that. You should go out and actually make an appearance in the world. By putting yourself out there, you will attract others like you. Look for events in the area. It’s like you’re the new kid all over again, only this time you don’t have the age advantage in an organized and controlled environment. Accept every invitation that comes your way. It may take hanging out with people you don't really mesh with, to help you network with people you will mesh with. I accepted a dinner party invitation from a girl whom annoyed me, because I considered her to be seriously snobby. At her dinner party, I met someone really cool and down to Earth. Who knew!? You will often find connections in the least likely or most surprising places. It takes some time to settle your roots in a new pot, but it will happen. Be patient too, because it may be a few months or even a year (yikes) before you really find your new friends. Even if you feel silly, just do it. You have to do what you have to do to adjust during this awkward phase. Get creative. Don’t be afraid to break out of your shell and do the things always wanted to do, even if you’re alone. Now is your time. Yoga worked for me. Music lessons? Dance class? Join a group that focuses on a cause you care about. Save the environment? Political activities? When one of my friends moved and was having hard time meeting people, she joined the “Save Darfur Coalition” and met some neat people to hang out with. If you are a creative person, join an improve troupe or something. Groups like this make fun buddies. It will happen for you. You just have to make an ongoing effort to put yourself out there.

A Choice to Abort

Dear Charlie,
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, right when I found out I was pregnant by him. He disappeared as soon as I gave him the news by voice mail. He will not answer nor return my calls, or even acknowledge my situation. I have decided to have an abortion. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not stable at all. I’m not willing to raise a child by myself. My family is treating me like I’m a screw up, and criticizing me for letting a loser get me pregnant. My sister won’t even talk to me. I know that when I get the abortion, they will hold it against me forever. This whole thing has been a nightmare, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in my situation.
-Screwed Up

Dear Screwed Up (like we all have),
It's probably better to be diplomatic on this topic (with all the ugly politics involved). However, should you want to get technical, there are PLENTY of people who would be proud to offer you their support (including doctors). Whether you’re pro-life or pro-choice, there are some basic principles here that apply to everyone. Isn’t this whole life thing about the choices we make? Isn’t it OUR choice? Doesn’t everyone make choices they regret, or do things they aren’t proud of at one point or another? That’s not a matter of belief, that’s common sense. Everyone comes from somewhere different, so how can there be a one-size-fits-all solution to anything? What happened to forgiveness? You know, in a perfect world everyone would have 2 parents and be set up for life, but in THIS world people exist on every level of stability. You never know who you’re talking to, where they’ve been, or what they’re facing. It’s neither safe nor fair to assume anything about anyone. What then, gives people the right to judge situations they have never been in!?! I find it interesting that a majority of people opposing abortion, come from families where both Mother and Father were present throughout their life. How convenient. Not everyone has the means to raise a child on their own. Granted that there are many options to consider with unplanned pregnancy. If you wanted to give your newborn up for adoption, more power to you, but it's ultimately YOUR CHOICE. A lot of women have insurmountable hardships. Those who live in sheltered realities, can’t always imagine the hardship of those who are struggling. Some people’s expectations of other people’s circumstances are completely unreasonable and irrational. You are making one of the hardest choices that women are faced with. I know that must be hard, and the isolation from your family is painful. As if that wasn’t tough enough, you can’t turn to them for support. Then add it to the list that your boyfriend turned out to be a negligent, womanizing joke who abandoned you. He wont even answer your call. Look, you may have made some mistakes, but don’t we all? You didn’t get in this situation by yourself, nor expect your partner to abandon you. This could happen to anyone who has premarital sex (which is the majority), you were just unlucky. Some people will take every opportunity to spout their anti-abortion beliefs. Ironically, most of the people beating their chests about this have never been in a position to have to make such a painful decision. Good for them. How convenient. It must be nice. It’s always interesting when people who feel entitled to protest, have no actual life experience. What makes them so sure they wouldn’t do the same thing, if they were in your shoes? Who are they to decide? They will never know because they will never be in your shoes, and that’s exactly the point. To err is human. For every anti-abortion activist, there’s a counterpart group of pro-choice advocates to match them. Some will insist that abortion is murderous, shocking, and inhuman. Take these harsh words and judgments with a grain of salt, because not everyone sees it that way. Tap into the thousands upon thousands of women who have been in your shoes, and know what it’s like. Women are sometimes so attached to their own personal plans for babies; they fail to see that not everyone feels like they do. Well you don’t need a permission slip to disagree with them. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. The financial and emotional support that it requires to raise a child has to come from somewhere. It’s a shame on your family for kicking you when you’re down, or turning their backs on you as you go through this traumatic event. You may never gain the respect, forgiveness, or understanding of your family. Hopefully their love for you will overcome. You should know that there are millions of others walking with you on the matter. If you go through with the abortion, be your own friend by standing behind your decision and forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is an internal choice. People place abortion on different levels of the mistake making hierarchy. I told my friend who also “screwed up”, that I would still be her friend no matter what mistakes she made, because I too, am "mistaking". We all are. You will be alright. The fact that you don’t pop a kid out without thinking is a responsible decision in my opinion.

Rude Friends

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are very different, but we’re in love. He’s in finance, and I’m a student who waits tables. The problem is that I just don’t fit in with his friends at all. Any time I’m invited to hang out with them, I don’t enjoy myself. They are mainly successful business men, and I have nothing in common with any of them. They make me feel silly and unwanted. One of them is always rude. He will interrupt me when I talk like it's not important, or just plain ignore me. I feel he’s cocky and condescending, but my boyfriend gets along with him famously. My boyfriend says his friend is a “nice guy” and never wants to talk about it. Ugh!
-Awkward Girlfriend

Dear Awkward Girlfriend,
I think that differences can complement each other beautifully, and be healthy for a relationship. Social differences are OK too, as long as they’re respectful. It sounds like his friends have respect issues. This is the stuff that comedic movies are made of. If you’re struggling to fit into your boyfriends’ circle of arrogant friends, then I’d say to stop trying. You go to his social events out of respect for him. His friends come with the package, but you don’t have to put up with them if they're going to be jerks. You need friends of your own. If your boyfriend respects you, he should listen and care how his arrogant friends are making you feel… unless he wants to snuggle up to them at night. You can explain to him that they treat you differently than they treat him. You are not one of the guys. Some of his friends may be selfish and want him all to themselves. Friends, who have known each other for a long time, naturally regress when they get together. Sometimes they are territorial. This is immature, and they should get a life. Do they not have girlfriends of their own? They definitely make you appreciate your own friends, all the more. You are not obligated to mesh with them. Set some guidelines for yourself: make an appearance only when absolutely necessary, smile, wave, be polite and courteous... then roll your eyes and promptly down a glass of champagne. Just kidding! (I have used this tactic before) Whether it’s that they personally dislike you, or just don’t want girlfriends around, boys will be boys. Men on the other hand, take charge and make their lady feel special and like she is a priority. His friends may feel threatened by you because you are the new woman in his life. Well that’s too bad for them. A huge part of growing up is becoming independent. People who never break away from immature associations, don’t really grow. If you can’t be in his social circle without getting upset or offended, then don’t be. It’s that simple. Stop going. Let him have his guy time, while you do other things. Your world doesn’t evolve around him and it definitely doesn’t have to encompass jerks. You have better things to do than hang out with his cocky pals, especially if they act like they don’t want you there. Do you think you’re silly? Don’t let them belittle you or make you feel insignificant. You are special to your boyfriend, and that’s whose opinion matters. Imagine they are like coworkers you have to interact with, but not necessarily like. Be above the situation by letting it roll off your shoulders. If they are being rude or obnoxious, then feel free to give them back what they dish out, or suddenly have somewhere to be. Your boyfriend will get the point. Sometimes this is more effective than being direct, when your boyfriend is in denial that his friends are assholes. You may find they respect you more if you’re not around as much, but you don’t have to win their approval. Take an assertive stance. Some guys like to see how far they can push your buttons. You didn’t join a fraternity when you started dating your boyfriend. You are not subject to an initiation process of his friends’ approval. I used to not get along with one of my husband’s friends, but I eventually won him over by not giving a d@mn. If you and your boyfriend are going to be serious about each other, then that (should) change. Your life together will become more and more about the two of you, and less and less about him and his friends. This may take some time to develop, but in a good relationship, a couple shares respect each other. You should be just as much into your own friends and hobbies as he is. If someone is being rude to you, that should be unacceptable to your boyfriend. Imagine if these guys were in his family! Say his brother was one of these rude friends; then they’d be even harder to avoid. Many people can’t stand their husbands families. Be glad you are not in that position. Thank goodness these are just guys who your boyfriend shares common interests with. That could always change (like life often does). Sure, he can keep his friends around in his back pocket, but you don’t have to be a part of it. If you sense that he answers to them, then that’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Keep your time with these people to a minimum. It’s really their insecurities causing them to treat you the way they do.