Skipping Out on Job Workshops, Meetings, Lectures, or Conferences

Dear Charlie,
I work for a well known company and am pretty high in the rankings. I have to attend certain workshops and training sessions each year in order to keep my status. This means schmoozing with industry professionals, listening to long talks and lectures, and being bored out of my mind for 3 days straight. I usually skip unnecessary meetings and talks. We have a conference coming up, but now one of my colleagues is going to be sharing a room with me. He is very straight edge and no fun. I’m desperately trying to get out of going to this conference with him. Do you have any suggestions?

-Skippy the Conference Skipper

Dear Skippy,
Nothing says;”I’m lazy” like directly asking for advice on how to avoid doing your job and taking responsibility. It sounds like you’ve had your freedom to do as you please and come and go, up until now. Duuuuuuude, that sucks bro. Look Skippy, it’s been fun but the party’s over. I wouldn’t be surprised if your reputation was becoming known as a slacker, and that this colleague is being sent as supervision in disguise. I’m questioning whether you deserve your title (and salary). I’m sure there are probably plenty of people who do things like this. Although humorous, your slacker confession is insensitive to the current job issues in America right now. Many people have to compensate by working jobs they are overqualified for. Many Americans have taken a huge pay cut or been laid off. You’re asking me how to avoid standing up to the plate, being a man, and doing what everyone else in your position does in order to earn an honest income. Well Skippy, if you want my honest opinion, I don’t think you are very deserving of any of it. You are clearly unaware of how lucky you are, and therefor ungrateful. Your mentality towards your job is similar to that of a teenage delinquent who doesn’t want to go to school. It's fun to play hooky with boring adult stuff, but everyone has to grow up. It's your turn. Do the right thing and go to the conference and show this colleague that you are deserving of what you have and where you stand. While you're at it, grow up.

Unpleasant Reunion

Dear Charlie,
When I was a kid, I used to go to summer camp. I made a lot of friends that way, and have kept in touch with some of them over the years. Recently I went into a coffee shop and the guy working there looked familiar. I couldn’t place where I had seen him before until it hit me. He was one of my good childhood friends from summer camp. We had a lot of fun together and I have good memories of him. I was so surprised to see him again so I asked him if he remembered me. He did, but he was unfazed by my sentiments. In fact, he was sort of a jerk about it. He clearly didn’t want to talk to me or reminisce about the past. He wasn’t very friendly or nice about it at all. He was actually very rude. He sarcastically said "Yep, cool". He changed so much from the boy I used to know. I just don’t understand. Call me lame but it hurt my feelings.

-Forgotten Old Friend

Dear Forgotten Old Friend,
Not exactly the reaction you had expected? When something like this happens, it makes you sorry you said anything in the first place. I would regret it too. I feel the same way when I compliment someone’s cute dog or baby on the street, and they are bothered by it. It makes me want to retort something back along the lines of; “well screw you b*tch, I was just being nice.” It’s flattery for f*ck’s sake. Some people have their heads shoved so far up their own asses, that they can’t see the forest through the trees. In your case, you had a history with this guy and he was more than just a random face on the street. He used to be your friend (emphasis on the word “USED” to be). It appears that Mr. Coffee maker is too cool for school any more. Maybe he has issues, is on drugs, or is depressed. Who knows what kind of cards life has dealt him, or how he has handled them? You sure as Hell don’t. I’m painting a really dark picture of the possibilities behind his story, but a lot of time has passed and it's safe to say you don't know him anymore. He has shown you that the child version of him really has little to do with the adult version. There were probably many influences along the way which brought him to this point. Don’t let it get you down, just feel sorry for him that he doesn’t have the capacity to be civil or polite. If he wants to be victim to modern trends that say it’s cool to be selfish and not give a sh*t, then that’s his problem. I don’t know, I think people are not always the way we remember them. Hold on to the happy memories, and be sorry for him that he can't appreciate a warm greeting from an old friend. That's entirely immature. Be glad that people mean something to you. I’m sorry to say but many people don’t mature socially passed a certain age. The truth is that he is a practical stranger now and he was not very nice. That’s a damn shame. Despite the kind of time you had together as kids, leave the past in the past. Forgotten Old Friend, there is nothing lame about you wanting a friend from the past to acknowledge you and remember the precious time you spent as kids together. Some would call those the golden years. Life takes a toll on some people and even causes them to want to write the past off. The movie "Mystic River" is a good example of life changing a childhood companionship. I also refer you to the movie “The Butterfly Effect” to help me explain my point. In the movie, Amy Smart plays Ashton Kutcher’s love interest. Ashton’s character is able to visit Amy in the future, based on different outcomes of a life altering event. In one version, the life altering event was stopped from happening and so Amy develops into a very successful, sheltered, and well rounded young woman. As an adult, he finds her in a good mental state and overall healthy. Next time he visits her in the future to find a completely different girl. She has been so beaten down by life, that she is so jaded and srung out, she breaks his heart. Sometimes, the people we once knew only exist anymore in our memories. Be glad that your heart is still warm and light, and that you didn't turn out like this.

Boyfriend Secretly Seeks Advice

Dear Charlie,
I love to read advice columns. I read them all the time, all different kinds. I was reading a local magazine’s advice column here in Seattle, and one of the letters sounded very familiar. A guy wrote about his live in girlfriend, whom just celebrated their 2 year anniversary. He said his girlfriend was a student and he complained about her being self centered. He said that he didn’t always get along with her. He was questioning the relationship. It was almost as though my boyfriend had written it. This describes us perfectly! Well, I hacked into his email and discovered that he did. I can’t believe it! Do you think I should break up with him over this? I can’t believe he really feels this way.

-Stressed in Seattle

Dear Stressed in Seattle,
As an advice giver myself, this is one of the most ironic things I have ever read. Listen, people write to advice columns with discrepancy and privacy. Sometimes it's an issue they are unsure of, but a lot of the time they just want to vent. Sometimes it’s impulsive or on a whim, regarding an issue they just can’t wrap their head around. A lot of people will put it out there just to get feedback. I honestly think it’s perfectly normal to be unsure. If you were to graph private human thought patterns, you would see lines going up and down all over the place. This is because thoughts are fleeting and what you might find deep inside the mind is messy or instable. There’s a saying that goes like this; “the mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone.” Don’t throw in the towel just yet. It’s also absolutely normal to have insecure thoughts and feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend just had a moment, and that moment has passed. Look at all these letters that people write. Have you ever had a fight and needed to vent anonymously? Some people will call up a friend and vent that way; your boyfriend just chose the public column route. That’s the beauty of advice columns; they are (usually) unbiased. Sometimes people know what the right thing to do is, or how they feel about something, but writing to an advice column is an outlet that justifies or validates their feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really feel that way, but only used the advice column as a form to express himself and to vent. Maybe he wants to protect you from this side of him? Can you honestly say that you’ve never felt or thought something that would hurt his feelings if he found out? Despite how human beings behave in public, what they say, or how they function in the professional world, we are really not very stable creatures. Our minds are full of imagination, emotional whims, experimental ideas, and thought patterns that come and go. I really don’t think you need to be worried, I think he was just experimenting, as most people do who write in for advice. They just want to see what a neutral party has to say about their situation. Sometimes people just want to look at an issue from a different angle. You have no idea what his motives were, and it’s not safe to assume because you don’t know what he’s thinking. What you got was a glimpse into his very private and personal thoughts. It’s unfortunate that his cover was blown but maybe he should have written to someone a little farther away. Does he know you love advice columns? What are the chances that he knew you would read it? While it may have hurt your feelings or given you cause for concern, I feel that anything festering in the mind may surface in different ways, but until it becomes an action or is stated consciously to the appropriate party, it’s just a thought. Talk to him. I wouldn’t advise confessing that you read his email, because that’s breaking a boundary of trust as well, and will not do either of you any good. Don’t get into that habit. I think you should show him the article, and ask him if he wrote it. Play it safe. If he denies it, look him in the eye and tell him that you know he wrote it. If he denies it, gets defensive, or demands to know how you came about this information, tell him "I just know". You are a woman of instinct, no? Insist that you know he wrote it. Ask him if he really feels that way about you and tell him that it hurts. If he won’t admit to it, then you’ve got another issue on your hands. He may need some time to come clean about this, but give him a chance. He may not be able to admit it, if he really doesn’t feel that way or is ashamed. After all, you saw something private that you weren’t supposed to. Go to him with open ears, and tell him that you understand how private thoughts can fester and surface in different ways. Don’t get too confrontational; be gentle because he may be very embarrassed or regret doing it in the first place. He may not feel that way at all anymore. The most important thing here is to give your relationship more time to grow and mature, and see how it goes. You need to be upfront and honest with each other, but you’re entitled to make mistakes. As a student, you are probably preoccupied with things other than your relationship. It’s hard not to be self centered when you are in school and so much is on the line. It's understandable. Maybe there are things about you that he hasn’t come to terms with yet, but that’s the case for most young relationships. If he had confessed to cheating on you, then that would be a deal breaker. This however, sounds to me like fleeting thoughts and whimsy rants, which everyone needs from time to time. Wouldn't you agree?
; )

Employer with Bad Reviews

Dear Charlie,
I’m a 32 year old guy. I’ve been applying for jobs like crazy and have had a couple interviews. I haven’t been too impressed with anyone so far. I got called to interview with a company tomorrow that I was very excited about… until I read their reviews. This company has nothing but bad reviews, and there are a lot of them. I am no longer excited about this job opportunity. Should I cancel my interview?

-Cautious Job Seeker

Dear Cautious,
Having the luxury of picking and choosing between numerous job offers is hard to come by these days. You are very lucky to be in such a position. However, I can understand that you are none too eager to meet with companies that have a bad rap. I would say to go into the interview open minded, and give them a chance. Now that you’ve seen these reviews, you know not to get your hopes up. You have realistic expectations, so anything good that happens will be a surprise. Look at this interview as more of an exercise, rather than a potential job candidate meeting. Feel them out and go with your instincts. If you find that everything you read is right, then at least you know it’s not just you. If, by chance, you are comfortable and pleased with your interview, don’t be afraid to try them out. I admit it’s unlikely that a competitor was attempting to sabotage their reputation by writing all of those reviews. Every reviewer had their reason for giving them negative feedback, but to each, his own. Maybe you are just the guy they need to turn things around. You might hit it off with the owner/manager and find your niche. You don’t want to burn your bridges in the professional world, or jump to conclusions too soon. I don’t know what line of work you are in, but this is a universal concept. You never know who these people are connected to. Canceling an interview sends the message that you’re no longer looking for work. People talk. You don’t want word like that to spread unless it's true. Who knows, this little interview could lead you in the direction of something better. Do you believe everything is for a reason? If so, maybe you will meet someone important to your career (or personal life) at the interview. I think the right thing to do here is take this opportunity to practice. If you don’t feel like you need practice, then you must be the cream of the crop. However, I think everybody could use some ongoing practice, even long time professionals. It keeps you fresh. Here’s a question: do you have something better to do? Another interview lined up? Depending on how bad you need a job right now, you either have a sense of urgency to find work or you don’t. Most people in this economy do, and don’t want to pass anything up. If we always followed what the crowd did or said, nothing extraordinary would ever happen. Go and see for yourself. If you’re disappointed, then you can’t say you weren’t warned. Then again, it would be hard to be disappointed by a company whom you have low expectations of. Maybe you will learn things about yourself during this interview that you can apply to the next one. It’s good to give people a chance. If you honestly feel that this interview will be a waste of your time from start to finish, then by all means cancel. Tell them you are no longer interested in employment with their company via email. Keep it short and curt. Maybe you are in high demand and everyone is calling you off the hook. I still think that it’s productive to go, but it’s your call. I hope you find the right fit, but for now, give them the benefit of the doubt. You just never know.

Unwanted Emails

Dear Charlie,
I signed up on an internet site that automatically sent invitations to everyone on my contact list to join my network. I didn’t know it did this, until I started getting responses from contacts I didn’t know I had. One response was from this guy whom I could have only corresponded with once or twice via email, several years ago. I never dated him. We were just friends in the same line of work. I barely know this guy and haven’t kept in touch with him. He replied with a super long email ranting about what he has been up to, and asking me all kinds of questions. I gave him a very short reply to get him off my back by saying; “It’s nice to hear from you,” but he answered with another super long email and then asked to meet me for coffee! I don’t know how to respond to this. The message he got from “me” was automatic and from the site! How do I explain that to him?

-Open Invitation

Dear Open Invitation,
This guy took an automated networking site message as a personal invitation to come back into your life. How do you respond to someone whom you didn’t write to? Ha! This guy is obviously lonely and desperate for a connection. His eagerness to talk to you was rather premature, since you didn’t actually contact him. He has assumed all too much, and jumped the gun. Maybe this guy is a writer just taking every chance he gets to display his talent, but that’s unlikely. My guess is that he has been thinking about you for some time. It happens. You don’t feel the same way that he does and that’s OK. The fact that your curt reply; “it’s nice to hear from you” was (once again) misconstrued by him as an attempt to reach out, is almost humorous. It's not as though you were leading him on. Someone could have hacked into your account for all her knows. It happends all the time. Let’s see here, how do you politely say “sorry buddy, but I didn’t email you and I don’t want to talk to you”? Well, you could be brutally honest; “the site I signed up on sent automatic invitations out to everyone on my contact list. Take care.” Leave it at that? He would probably get the point. I understand your sensitivity to his feelings in the matter, since he has divulged so much. However, you have to toughen your skin because he has to know that he was taking a risk by putting himself out there so much. You have the option not to reciprocate. You don’t need to explain anything to him. You might be afraid to stop responding at the risk of hurting his feelings, but that's not your problem unless you make it your problem. Sometimes people need you to be more than you can be for them. Some people need a brick to fall on their head in order to get a message. Some people are very lonely and starving for a connection. Sometimes people are in denial about reality because it hurts them too much. Needless to say, you are not on the same page. Whatever is going on with this guy, whoever he is or however you knew him, it’s just email. Emails get deleted, emails don’t get delivered, and ultimately, emails are not personal, despite what some people think. The reason being is that email is a closed form of communication, because you have no way of knowing if it was received, how the person initially responded, or if it went to the appropriate party. This works in your favor. Unless you want to get involved with this guy, I highly recommend that you don’t put anything else out there. It’s his problem at this point. You are not responsible for making him feel better about his lonely life, unless you want to be his girlfriend. You could have cleverly sent another automated response like this; “this is an automated response. I am out of the office and will get back to my emails soon,” and then never reply. He was probably looking for an opportunity to talk to you again, and “you” delivered that chance to him. That site should have given you the option to decline sending personalized invitations to everyone on your contact list. Perhaps there was an option but you didn’t see it? I hope so, because nobody needs this and it’s obnoxious. I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to these awkward situations. Sensitive people get wrapped up in guilt or responsibility to the feelings of others. They are afraid of offending or hurting someone so they continue to be "nice". Sometimes kindness leads desperate people further down the path of false hope. None of this is your fault. What some people consider to be flirting is just a friendly expression to others. Play it safe. Let this guys emails get lost in your inbox. Then don’t worry about it and let it go. After all, it's just email.

Friend's Boyfriend Came to the Rescue

Dear Charlie,
I drove downtown to hang out with one my friends last night. On my way home, I got a flat tire in a sketchy area. I was alone and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I kept calling my friend to come help me, but she didn't answer my call. I couldn’t decide whether to call her boyfriend or not, whom lived nearby. I decided to call him when I became desperate. He was able to come and fix it for me. I admit that he was flirting with me. After he fixed the flat, he invited me over to hang out. I didn’t go because it was so late, but he said he wanted to hang out again. Now his girlfriend is mad at me because she thinks I want her boyfriend. She doesn’t even know that he wants me to call him again! Should I tell her? Do you think she is right to be mad? He told me she was the jealous type. Do you think I should call him?

-Damsel in Distress

Dear Damsel in Distress,
Some men love to take on the role of Knight in Shining Armor. Do I think your friend is right to be mad at you? Nope. You did what you had to do. First of all, if this girl is really your friend then she should understand the situation that you were in, and be happy that her boyfriend was there to help. The fact that her boyfriend talked about her (to her friend) behind her back, gives me reason to question his motives. I believe he was being nice, but also taking advantage of the situation. “Jealous” girlfriends are usually reacting to the behavior of their naughty boyfriends. Flirtatious or philandering boyfriends will rid themselves of any guilt or responsibility for causing the insecurities of their girlfriends to fester, by slapping the “jealous” label on them. Don’t get me wrong, some girls are irrationally jealous, but others are being made to feel insecure by their boyfriends. I feel that your friend’s discomfort in the scenario stems from the real issue that she can’t trust her boyfriend. Who knows the root of her overly possessive attitude? She is probably aware of his flirtatious ways, but may be in denial. On the other hand, he may be a harmless flirter who wants out of the relationship. Who knows!?! While he was nice and helpful to come to your rescue, an opportunity presented itself. It was party time for your hero of the night. There’s no denying that his invitation was inappropriate. Some men are opportunists who feed off of gratitude. They see it as a game of trading favors. They look for helpless damsels in distress to lure into their lair. Was he nice to help you? Sure… but his intentions were not entirely innocent when all was said and done. Here’s a question: where was his girlfriend? Furthermore, why didn’t she answer your call? If she had, none of this would have ever happened, so she has herself to thank for that. She isn’t being honest with herself. I don’t know this girl, but I suspect that if you told her what he said, she would direct her anger towards you (rather than at the appropriate party). I also don’t know this guy at all, so I can’t tell you if he is worth a call. You have to use your instincts and better judgment to decide. From what you have told me, it sounds like a terrible idea. Are you interested in stealing your friend’s boyfriend? Do you want to get that involved in all of this? I mean really, are you actually considering calling him again? Are you even really friends with his girlfriend? You sound more like frenemies. There may be a reason for her behavior, and there may be a reason for his behavior too, but nobody is being honest. Since you guys are all young, you’re free to do whatever you want and f*ck up, but this relationship is not serious and this guy sounds like trouble. He is clearly not committed, and she has reason to be concerned. If she can’t see the forest through the trees and realize what’s up with her man, then she has whatever she’s got coming to her. Maybe he lies to her? I don't know. He will inevitably cheat on her. Whether it’s with you or someone else is up to you. He is probably looking for a way out. Unless you are absolutely head over heels secretly in love with this guy, which it doesn’t sound like you are, I would leave his offer at the scene of the heroic act. If you need to ask me if you should call him or not, then my advice is don’t get involved. STAY AWAY. This could easily turn into a messy situation. Friends tend to date within the same pools, but it’s just drama, drama, drama. Find someone else to call your own. He is not displaying trustworthy behavior or a solid track record. Sorry sister. If you tell her that he wants you to call him again, be prepared for an irrational response. She is not thinking clearly, but that shouldn't be your problem. Feel free to simply ignore his offer and forget about it.
P.S. You need new friends.

Power Tripping Boss

Dear Charlie,
I just started a new job as an assistant to the head honcho of a corporation. When I interviewed for the position, my new boss seemed like someone I wanted to work for. After getting acquainted, she has turned out to be a total control freak. I even bought new, comfortable shoes for this position and they are already worn down after 2 weeks of running around for her. She goes beyond monitoring everything I do. She reams me for every little thing I do. She is very demanding, nags me constantly, and the way she talks to me is condescending. I have never felt so low. I know I should be grateful that I have a job, but this is a nightmare. I want to quit. What should I do?

-Unhappy New Assistant

Dear Unhappy New Assistant,
As if going to work wasn’t a challenge in itself, then you have to deal with a psycho when you get there. That’s too bad. I’d say it rather sucks. They say first impressions are everything, but that’s not necessarily true. People are good at hiding their true colors during brief introductory encounters. You think you got a good feel for her during an interview, but as you got to know her, she brought her skeletons out of the closet. It must have been an unpleasant surprise when you discovered that not all of your duties were listed in the job description. Duties such as withstanding verbal abuse, aiding to neurotic needs, and being belittled throughout your shift, have put you in a position to take it lying down from this lady. Hooray (note sarcasm). Are you feeling like her dog on a leash, or a pawn in the game of life? Some people just love to be LARGE and IN CHARGE, and some bosses look for more than an assistant. The world would be so much easier if employers were honest with potential candidates. It would seem more appropriate to call a spade a spade during the hiring process. Why they don’t just come out and say; “I’m looking for someone to be my whipping post”? Well, the answer to that is no mystery because let’s face it; nobody wants to be a whipping post. In some cases, it just comes with the territory. It seems you have crossed that border. Have you seen the show Ugly Betty? I think that show does a decent job making fun of the cheesy antics in work environments. The fashion industry is an extreme example, but the hierarchy within corporations is political despite the front of professionalism. Power brings out the ugly in people. The dynamic between a Queen Bee boss and her little b*tch sidekick assistant is a common one. Some people are more willing to assume that role than others. You must have done a very good job selling yourself at the interview. Perhaps you seemed to fit the bill for what she was looking for at the time. Unfortunately, she underestimated you. Just like some acting roles are wrongfully cast, jobs are often inappropriately filled. It doesn't sound like you are the proper fit for this woman's assistant (to say the least). You are not a compatible pair as these "shoes" are not your size. She may be feeling it too, or she may be like this with everyone. Working as an assistant for her requires someone whoo posseses traits such as a sense of urgency to satisfy her, a desperate desire for her approval, or a relentless hunger for success at all cost. I think you have no choice other than to make the most of it for now, until you find another job. Given today’s job market, you may have to pace yourself here for a while. You should actively start looking for a new job, as soon as possible. It won’t be easy but it’s not impossible. Oh, and prayers don’t hurt either. There’s the possibility that just like in the movie “The Devil Wears Prada”, you could learn to adjust to her impossible demeanor, but let’s just hope you don’t sabotage or ruin your personal life in the process. For many people, a job is basic life support and a means to provide for family. It’s all about what you want out of life. Some bosses like to act as dictators. Be careful because you don’t want to get fired. Then you will have a negative referral on your employment history. There is a way to politely and gracefully not take people’s crap, despite their power over you. Assert yourself. Remember: she is your boss, but she is also human. Everyone has their weaknesses and vulnerable spots. You could be equally manipulative by finding her Achilles heel. She may be a miserable person on the inside, with a dysfunctional family. Maybe you need to show her that you can handle the job, but that you’re not going to take her too seriously. Feel free to chuckle or giggle a little when she is rude. If she asks you why you are snickering, or if something is funny, reply diplomatically and tell her “no reason”. Since she is a game player, she should understand the subtle language that means "you're ridiculous". Don’t kill yourself over this job, and if she gets really out of line, then feel free to walk away and tell her it’s just not working out. Don't sweat it. Let it roll right off you. Jobs like this are character builders that thicken your skin. It’s all about values and what is important to you. Some people will do anything to get ahead. If working for this woman is really not worth it to you, then stand your ground, demand respect, and don’t back down. There is a fine line between being professional and getting too personal that some employers try to cross. Display good judgment and approach. Establish boundaries by being politely firm. She is the boss of your work, not the boss of your life, despite her intentions. Sometimes people need to be put in their place no matter their title in the professional world. If you guys are go head to head too much, then you could tell her that you don’t think you are a good fit for this position, and write a formal letter of resignation. However, be prepared to work at a coffee shop or something on the other end, when you can’t find a job replacement right away. It may be a pay cut, but a fair emotional trade considering how she makes you feel. Desperate times call for desperate measures, but nobody is owner of anyone else. Slavery was abolished in 1865. If you need to vent, you could get one of your friends to pretend to be your boss. Then you could re-enact a situation from the work day and vent all the things you want to say to her, that have been bottling up inside of you : ) Michael Urie plays Marc St. James on the show Ugly Betty. His character is a personal assistant, who uses a life size doll replica of his boss to vent on her. Support is helpful, but be careful who you confide in at your new job, because you don't know who's trying to get in good with her.

Water Balloon Shattered Windshield

Dear Charlie,

I'm a senior in High School. I've been reading your letters and I like your advice. I need your input, since I can’t figure out what to do. I was at a party, when my friends and I got into a water fight. It was really fun and wild, but things got a little out of control. Water balloons, hoses, and water guns were flying everywhere. I threw a water balloon from the second story of the house and it accidentally hit a windshield. The windshield just happened to belong to the guy that I like. I felt so stupid and embarrassed, that I didn’t admit it was me. Since nobody saw me throw the balloon, he doesn’t know who did it. I hung out with him yesterday and he kept talking about how he has to pay for a new windshield. I am terrified to tell him it was me. Should I come clean? Or would that make me look like a total ass?

-Guilty of Aqua Crime

Dear Guilty of Aqua Crime,

You made an honest mistake. It’s not like you set out to vandalize your crush’s car, or to make the statement; “you better like me OR ELSE!” Look, in most situations, I would advise a person to do the right thing and fess up. However, I feel that in your situation this was truly an accident. With your age being taken into consideration, you are free to take your time. Everyone was being rowdy so it could have just as easily been someone else who shattered his windshield. You just happened to be the unlucky one. There are two sides to the coin here. Playing it safe would mean not speaking a word to him about what you know to be true (the fact that you did it), and continuing to play dumb. However, feelings of guilt may eat away at you after a while and fester in strange ways. Consider the option of offering to pay for the windshield without a confession. This option sounds like a good idea, and makes you look like a really nice girl. Right? Except that it is also a random voluntary act that may indicate you are either A) a pushover, or B) guilty. Look, if he is a nice guy, he will understand that this was a mistake, and not make you feel bad about it. If you really want him to understand where you’re coming from, you could tell him how you feel while you’re at it. This is the stuff that romances are made of. There is a logical explanation as to why you hesitated to own up. If he is not a nice guy, he will be turned off by your blunder and demand that you pay, meanwhile making fun of you for a mistake. Now be honest: are you attracted to nice guys? Or are you into “bad boys”? If this guy reacts like a jerk, then good luck because his smashed windshield is just a sign of things to come in terms of your relationship. That being said, I think this is actually a great “jerk test”. Maybe you will find that he’s not someone you want to date after all. I understand your feelings in this matter. I would also be afraid of the humiliation, the disappointment he might have in me, or the disappointment I might have in him after the truth comes out. It’s time to find out if he is a good guy, who is worth your time and high school experience. Romance aside, a good guy will not make you feel bad, or humiliate you in front of your friends. Telling him the truth will also tell you if you can trust him. Find out what his true colors are when you confide in him about the mortifying truth. If you honestly know that he is not really a nice guy, then spare yourself the humiliation of telling him that you dropped the ball-oon, and act like nothing happened. Reason being that if he is not a nice guy, then he deserved it. Furthermore, stay away from him romantically because he is bad news and he will only hurt you. Then again, if you like him, I’m guessing he probably possesses some good qualities. Therefore, I think you should confess by writing him a letter and telling him how you feel about him. Include payment for his windshield. I think this would be romantic. If you don’t have enough money, ask your parents to loan it to you. You are at an age when it’s completely acceptable to need financial help from your family. You could also offer to wash his car to make up for the situation. He will most likely think you are sweet. If he gets mad at you, then he is too immature to date. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! If you really don’t want to tell him that you are responsible for smashing his windshield, then you could write him a love letter telling him how you feel, and include a donation for the windshield. Don’t pay entirely, just offer to help. I think that would also be romantic, although you are taking responsibility in a non direct way. I understand how awkward and tough dating can be at your age, and I sympathize with your situation. I would not hold it against you if you didn’t come clean with him, and just decided to offer to help pay for it. Maybe if you guys get serious one day, you can confess the truth to him later and explain why it was so hard to tell him. Just remember: if he is a nice guy, he should understand, whether he is into you romantically or not. Also, don’t take it personally if he’s not attracted to you. He may only like women who look like his mom or his childhood babysitter. Who knows where his taste comes from? You will find the right match for you when the time is right. It could be him.... but for now, it’s all about trial and error. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. Just try to learn from them, take responsibility, and not repeat them.

Drunk Ditcher

Dear Charlie,
I have a friend who I always party with. Every time she gets drunk, she disappears. I don’t know where she goes. We go out together and then she gets so drunk that she just disappears. Sometimes she is my ride and I have to find another way home. Sometimes she calls someone to come pick her up without telling me. I find this extremely annoying because when I get wasted, I don’t pull that crap. I only did one time, but I called her & left a message telling her I was leaving. She is a really cool girl, but it pisses me off when she disappears. How do I get her to stop?

-Always Abandoned

Dear Always Abandoned,
I’m trying to figure out what the real problem is. Is it your friend’s little disappearing act? Or is it that you guys like to get so wasted that you ditch each other? From the sound of it, it seems like this is a habitual thing for you and your party-girl partner in crime. Firstly, if you know she is like this, then don't go out with her. If you insist on hanging with this chick, then go seperately so you are not relying on her and be prepared for whatever happends later. Know what you're dealing with, because it's not really your friend that you are dealing with, but rather the poison in her system. I wouldn't go as far to say that she is not your friend, because I don't believe she is even her own friend, if you know what I mean. Let's cut to the chase... When it comes to the overuse or abuse of substances, people are losing their heads. When you drink or get high, you are not completely all there. Duh? It shouldn't surprise you that when someone gets drunk (and stops being sober), that they stop making rational and logical decisions. I recently woke up to discover a kid sleeping on my front doorstep. Granted that this is NYC (and weird sh*t happens every second of every day), he was intoxicated and passed out on my steps the night before, where he felt safe. I got him a cab home because he also lost his wallet during the course of a very rough night. Look, you are responsible for what you put into your body. Unless someone is following you around and slipping drugs into your drink behind your back, then my guess is that you are doing this to yourselves. Who are you kidding? I mean, maybe you guys are just at the peak and height of your youth and just having fun, but it sounds like you both have drinking problems. Everything in moderation, my friend. I know it seems like something that’s easy to control at your age, but it doesn’t get easier as you get older. People, who abuse alcohol in their youth and then try to stop, are also more likely to become depressed. You are setting yourselves up right now for a very difficult challenge in the future. That challenge is the path to sobriety. I’d be curios to learn what your honest definition of “party” is. How often do you do this? If it's every weekend, that's too much. Are you sure it’s only alcohol you’re into? Perhaps you are hesitant to openly admit that you’re also into cocaine, ecstasy, acid etc.? You don’t have to answer that, but at least be honest with yourself. Look, we all want to have fun, but you are setting yourself up for a lot of difficulty later. When I say difficulty, I mean life altering. You can have fun partying without sailing past your limits. I won’t assume you do anything other than drink, but I will say that generally when you par take in such extreme intoxication (or highs) regularly, you mess with overstimulation. You condition yourself to become addicted to that feeling of bliss that being drunk or high gives you. Yes, the side effects of alcohol are like poison in your system and can be extremely dangerous to your liver, heart, blood, etc. Think about your overall health. At the risk of being “uncool”, someone might refrain from being honest with you about this. The truth is that you are both in bad shape, and I don’t mean physically. To answer your question of how to get your friend to stop abandoning you… Firstly, you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. Your friend lets herself get to the point where she loses total control. The issue is the abuse of alcohol here. It doesn’t sound like something you are interested in changing or adjusting. You have asked for my advice on how to continue partying hard with your friend, and to make her stop ditching you (when she’s so obliterated she can’t even remember who she went out with). Honestly, you could both be due for some time in rehab. Parties are fun, and cool, and “f*cking rad man”, but at the end of the party, you have to come back to reality. Party on Always Abandoned? Think twice before you hang out with someone whom you know you are going to get into deep sh*t with. I think you’re asking for it, and I think you both get sh*t-faced too much. Good luck. Please refer to my letter titled “Alcoholic Friend” in the May archives for more on this.

Tricked into a Date

Dear Charlie,
I met this guy through mutual friends. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I didn’t flirt nor expressed interest in this guy. He invited me to a concert that he said he was going to with some people, and he had an extra ticket. Since I really liked the band, I decided it would be fun to go and meet more people. When I got there, it was just him and I. He claimed that his friends were coming late and that our seats were not together. As the concert went on, he kept waving at whom he claimed were his friends, but we never actually met them or hung out with them there. I tried to be polite since he brought me there, but it felt more and more awkward throughout the night. Then he put his arm around me and it was very uncomfortable. I tried a little dance move to get his arm off of me without being too rude. I tried to be friendly and have fun without being flirtatious, but I think he thinks we’re dating now. How do I let him down easy?

-Tricked into Dating

Dear Tricked,

This is hysterical. While you may be partially responsible for giving him the wrong idea based on your definition of flirting (versus his) , the fact is that he lured you into an exclusive date night. That was sneaky of him! I would also put money on the possibility that he made that whole thing up about going with “some people”, and that they don’t actually exist. Since it’s not fair to assume anything, we have to stick to the facts here. The fact is that you don’t want to be his girlfriend. Whether or not you would like to remain friends with him, is entirely up to you. For now, you are clearly not interested in him romantically, and you don’t want him to get the wrong idea. He, on the other hand, is expressing interest in you (although his approach is indirect). Instead of asking you on a date, he used the allure of a group hangout to get you there. Then when he got you where he wanted you, he moved in for the kill. In turn you, surprised and unaware of how you got yourself into this situation, responded equally indirect by avoiding confrontation and trying to move away from him. Your little dance, I’m sure, was understood by him. He may be in denial yet his tactics seem somewhat relentless. He was determined to be alone with you, and he got his wish. I think the best thing to do here is to be straightforward. “Dancing” around the issue just gives leeway to more game playing. If it makes you too uncomfortable to tell him that you just want to be friends and nothing more, then you are free to avoid him at all cost. However, be warned that if you go this route and see him out at a party or something, you will find yourself feeling awkward once again. Do you still want to be friends with him? Do you think he can handle that? Do you think you can handle? These questions remain unanswered until answered by you. Asserting yourself will nip this puppy in the butt, and put an end to any further awkward or uncomfortable scenarios. You could level with him next time he calls, texts, or emails you. Face it by saying; “Look, I’m not looking for a romantic relationship right now. I’m just looking for friendship”. Tell him it’s nothing personal. You don’t owe him any further explanation than that, considering that what he did was a little ridiculous. I know it’s not easy for everyone to be so honest, but he was asking for it by putting you in this position. He took a risk by trying to pursue you, not knowing what the outcome would be. You should be flattered by his interest, but the truth is that you don’t really know this guy or what he is capable of. If you still want to be friends with him, then tell him that. From the sounds of it, he may or may not respect your wishes. If you explain that you only want to be friends, and he tries to get fresh again, tell him “no funny business”. If he continues to make a move on you after you have been firm about this, then you cannot be his friend because he doesn’t respect you. Sorry. If you try to be friends with him, good luck and hopefully he will respect your boundaries. If you get to a point where you are creped out by him and don’t want his friendship any more, then go your separate way. Don’t respond to his texts or calls. Be distant and curt if (or when) you run into him. At that point, he deserves what he gets. You sound like a real considerate and friendly kind of girl, who is sensitive to other people’s feelings. That is a very attractive quality. I don’t blame him for being interested in you! Who doesn’t want to hang with a girl who likes to have fun? Just learn how to establish boundaries. My guess is that if you don’t have a boyfriend right now, it probably won’t be long until you get one. By then, your boyfriend will be there to defend your honor. I understand the need to hang out and meet new people. We are creatures who thrive off of social networking. Be aware that what you consider to be “flirting” might be misinterpreted by someone else’s standards. Sometimes we don’t mean to get involved in ways that others intend to. A passive attitude only sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. It’s ok to put your foot down and establish boundaries, before the lines are blurred.

Addicted to Sugar

Dear Charlie,
I love to bake and eat dessert. I am particularly good at it. I appreciate desserts in ways that most people don’t. I love to have something sweet after a good meal. I almost always have dessert. My boyfriend used to love this about me. Lately when I’ve been having sweets, my boyfriend has not been in support of it. He will make comments like “are you sure you need that right now?” I feel that these comments are becoming increasingly regular, and it’s starting to make me feel self conscious about my body. I can’t help that I love desserts, but he never had a problem with it before. Do you think my boyfriend is being rude? Or do you think he has the right to be saying these things?

-Sweet Tooth

Dear Sweet Tooth,
I would like to start by saying that you sound like a talented baker! If I were around you, I would probably develop a sugar addiction too. Some people just have a way with sugar, and are one with its properties. There’s a great book out there called Win the Sugar War by Holly McCord. I read it when I was going through a phase of wanting to eat anything and everything sweet that crossed my path. As it turns out, sugar can be as addicting as cocaine. It also causes an abundance of negative side effects on your body, mental functioning, energy level, mood, teeth, complexion, and weight. There’s no easier way to get bit by the ugly bug, than to overindulge on sweets. Sugar alone can cause diabetes. Did you know that too much sugar can actually act like poison in your body? Anything in excess is not good for you. I don’t entirely blame anyone in America for being overweight or having this problem, due to our culture of culinary commercialism and unrealistically high caloric portions. Perhaps what your boyfriend is concerned about, has nothing to do with your body image, but your overall health in general. Perhaps you feel insecure about your body, due to your unhealthy diet? I don’t know what or how much you eat, but sugar heightens cravings for more sugary foods. You don't to cut it out entirely, just have limits. People with sugar addiction often have portion control issues as well and are prone to over eating. I’m not trying to knock your passion for desserts, but there is a good reason as to why people practice moderation. If your boyfriend were looking you up and down while saying these things, then feel free to be offended and slap him across the face. Just kidding (about the slapping part). However, I feel that he might be just looking out for you. You can tell him how it makes you feel when he says that. Explain that you appreciate his encouragement, but his comments feel like criticism and naturally you want his support and approval. As your lover, you are hurt when he comments on what you’re eating. Say that you could handle this constructive criticism better, if it weren’t coming from someone whom you are romantically intimate with. If you recognize that your habits are unhealthy, then you can simply tell your boyfriend that you know you have a problem, and that you are working on it. Go ahead and be direct. Ask him why he is bothered by you having dessert. He will probably have an honest answer. The thing here is that if you don’t think you have a problem, then you most likely are not going to be adjusting your dietary course any time soon. If you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and say you're not addicted to sugar and that your diet is balanced, then you are not going to fix a problem (that you don't feel you have). In turn, your boyfriend is probably going to continue disapproving, whether he expresses it out loud or keeps it to himself. Yet, if somewhere deep down inside you feel convicted for indulging in every craving on a whim, then perhaps his comments are somewhat justified. It's not easy to hear, but if someone were abusing alcohol, would you tell them? Or would you watch them do that to themself? Sometimes intervening like this can be a form of support. His comment feeds your insecurity about your body, but perhaps he just cares about you? A lot of people will say that they have a legitimate complaint if there lover or spouse was a certain size when they met, but have changed over time. In my opinion, part of being a couple is growing together through thick and thin (literally). Therefore I don’t think it’s really relevant whether your physique has changed or not since you met, because someone who really loves you will not be fixated or focused on how you look. If you’re worried that your boyfriend isn’t attracted to you any more, that's a different issue. I won't say it’s impossible that after getting to know you, he may have deemed this unhealthy habit as something he doesn’t like. He is expressing disapproval of this side of you. I don’t think it’s going to get any better at the rate you're going. The reality is that unless you achnowledge your issue with food, and have the desire to put your sweet tooth in check, it’s likely that your boyfriend will drift farther and farther away from you. I knew a man who complained to his wife about her bad eating habits so much, that she started hoarding candy behind his back. Inevitably she became even bigger and more unhealthy than before. It was not good for her or their relationship. If sweets are a big side of who you are, and you don’t plan to change, then I’m sorry to say but you are more committed to your sweet tooth than a healthy life or relationship. This is not a very good sign for your future with him. I personally think that you would be showing great commitment to your relationship, by working on this and practicing some self control. If you can find no good reason to do it for yourself, then do it out of respect to your relationship. I understand your feelings on the matter, but I do think people should beware the dangers of giving into to indulgence too much. Selfishness leads to loneliness. Desserts will tempt you in every direction of life all day long if you let them, with their decadent presentations and convenient availability. Don't be fooled because they are like the devil in disguise! Ha ha! You could live every moment of my life waiting for your next sweet bite if you wanted. Don’t get caught up in that web. It’s not worth it. At the end of the day, you’ll just be laying around in bed with it on your hips, thighs, stomach and butt, feeling bad about yourself. If you're having a hard time accepting this, begin by subconsciously avoiding sugar. If you neglect or don't acknowledge your cravings, they will start to go away. Surround yourself with healthy things and healthy minded people/activities, and they will rub off on you. Once in a while it’s a real treat, but all the time is on the abusive side to your mind, body, and soul. On the flip side, I must acknowledge that relationships become dysfunctional when the respect is lost along the way. Hopefully your boyfriend still respects you, will see and appreciate your efforts (granted that you make them), and love you any ways. If not, then this is not the guy for you. If your boyfriend has had a change of heart, that that's another issue. I think you need to do some soul searching and that you guys need to talk. Good luck!

Witnessing a Neighborhood Thief

Dear Charlie,
I live in a nice neighborhood, and am friends with some of the people on my street. There is a little boy who lives a few houses down, whose mother is a friend of mine. We have had lunch together a couple times with some other ladies in the neighborhood. Her little boy is about 12 years old and he is very nice from what I can tell. He has a lot of friends and is always playing. While I was walking my dog, I saw him stealing a bike in a nearby neighborhood. He was with a couple other boys and they were looking out for him. He had tools to break the lock off the bike and successfully got away with it. They were being so obvious and loud it was hard not to hear them. What should I do with this information?

-Neighborly Witness

Dear Neighborly Witness,
I think it’s good to examine all the options here because there are several ways you could approach this. Some people believe in putting the smack down on kids and biting it in the butt when they start to behave delinquently. A young criminal minded kid can easily evolve into an adult criminal mind if not corrected. A lot of kids like this are neglected or abused in their homes. However, kids do crazy things all the time. If a kid doesn’t learn that there are repercussions for their actions at an early age, he may become too comfortable and get into real trouble when he’s older. Therefor a lesson is in order here, it's just a matter of how to deliver that lesson. You don’t want to give him such a rude awakening as an introductory lesson in the laws of life that it ruins him. How you handle this could impact the rest of his life. Children are very vulnerable, and easily influenced. Due to this fact, I believe in treating them with “kid gloves” and sensitivity. Life gets more complicated and difficult as we get older. I feel that kids deserve to learn easier and gentler lessons, because it's their introduction to life. There's so much they don't know and so much they are not accountable for. God forbid you got the cops involved, because that can be a traumatizing experience (depending on the cop). You would be amazed at how some cops treat children in situations like this. It can also become a self-fulfilled prophecy, because cops sometimes label children as bad or make them feel so convicted that they live up to those labels and bad feelings as adults. I believe in giving people, especially children, the benefit of the doubt and a chance to learn or change. Kids have been doing naughty things since the beginning of time. It's part of being a kid. If you don't get caught, you may try to do it again or you may be grateful and never do it again. If you do get caught, it could be a valuable lesson or a life label that is hard to shed. Perhaps he’s going down a certain path right now that is not good, but he still has time to turn around and make things right. It’s hard to know a kid socially or tell if he is a bully amongst his peers or not. Since you don’t really know the kid, bringing this to his mother’s attention will mean that she will discipline him to her as she sees fit. It’s up to you as to how proactive you are willing to be. You may not want to be involved, but you already are because of what you saw. That makes you responsible for taking action. Ignoring the situation and staying out of it entirely is not proactive. I think you saw this for a reason, and now it’s up to you to do the right thing. If you have a personal relationship with the boy, or are his friend, you could approach him directly and tell him what you witnessed. Try to make him comfortable talking to you and let him know that he can trust you, before you talk to him. Don’t be judgmental, just state the facts. He will probably be more open to receiving your input, if you are on friendly terms with him, rather than approaching him as a practical stranger. Who knows what’s going on with him? There could be a hundred reasons as to why he is acting this way, depending on his influences. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with his family or home life. He could be in a bad circle of friends who pressures him, or he could be bullied by someone older. You could be a positive impact on his life if you went to him and told him that he should return the bike, or else he gives you no choice other than to tell his parents what you saw. Most likely, he will not want that and be grateful you are giving him this chance. Also, ask him why he did it and tell him what can happen to people who do things like that. I know a woman who wanted to discipline her son so badly, that she took him to a prison to show him where he was headed if he didn’t straighten out. That boy is a lawyer today. I think that confronting the boy is a good route to go, because then you offer him the rare opportunity to make it right. You can't force him to change or do the right thing, you can only try to make a positive impact. If you have no children of your own, this will be a practice run in parenting for you…

Harassment via Email

Dear Charlie,
I responded to an ad online hoping to make some extra cash. It was a small startup company looking to hire people part time. Despite the fact that this business was located 5 hours from where I live, they claimed they were trying to expand in my area. I wanted to give it a chance, so I emailed back and forth with the owner of the company. I soon learned that this company was a scam, and that part of getting hired required you to pay them for training. I thought this was ridiculous, so I stopped pursuing this “great money making opportunity”. A few months later, a friend of mine came across the same website. She informed me that they had me listed as one of their employees. I couldn’t believe it, so I immediately contacted them and asked that they remove my name immediately. This prompted an incredibly unprofessional, bantering response from the owner. I don’t even know this guy, yet he wrote me a long email that was totally out of line about how I'm never going to get any work in the future. I told him to comply with my request, remove my name, and stop emailing me or else it will be considered harassment. He finally removed my name from his site, but said it was only because of my attitude and that I am no longer welcome to work for him. Then he continued to email me personal insults, and we don't even know each other! I asked him to stop harassing me, and told him he was unprofessional. He replied with a whole paragraph about how I am unprofessional, and I am the one who is harassing him! It was the most immature email conversation I think I’ve ever had! I really want to report him in some way, but I don’t know what to do. He keeps emailing me!

-This is Nuts

Dear This is Nuts,
Yes, it is nuts. Thanks for no longer welcoming me to work somewhere I want nothing to do with in the first place?!?!? I’ve heard some pretty bad online job hunt horror stories, but this is a good one. It sounds like you’re arguing with a 5 year old who has to have the last word. You’ve never even met nor talked to this guy, so who knows who he really is? He could be a 12 year old kid hiding behind his computer for all you know. As I mentioned in a previous letter, some online job sites have really gone south. Many people have relied on them during job hunts in the past, but they have become oversaturated with garbage. The problem is in the filter system. Since anybody and everybody with an email can post on sites like this, it doesn’t filter out the abundance of scams and con artists. In fact, it opens the door to them. The truth is that a lot of these sites are flooded with garbage. Therefore, it’s no surprise that when you ventured into this treacherous territory, you discovered an amateur with criminal intent (to say the least). This guy gives a new meaning to being neurotic. Not only is what he did illegal, but you should know that any attempt to deal with him rationally after that will be wasted. In dealing with the criminal minded, there’s no level as to how low or far they can go. People like this disrespect and go out of their way to avenge you because they have no boundaries. In his mind, he is somehow justified. This person sounds like he’s going to dig his own grave eventually. By definition, harassment constitutes as persistent tormenting or threatening behavior, but building a legal case out of it is no easy task. I’m not trying to discourage you from going there; I’m just saying that it’s also very difficult to prove harassment in court. If the harassment is legally acknowledged, you may be able to get a restraining order, but it might not be worth the trouble. The law says that harassment is "repeated, intrusive or unwanted acts, words or gestures that are intended to adversely affect the safety, security or privacy of another, regardless of the relationship between the actor and the intended target." Although it's hard to legally press charges on harassment, you may want to consult with an attorney if he continues being belligerent or threatening you. Unwanted emails and spam are common issues that most attorneys can’t be bothered with. A lawyer will ask you what you want him to do, and will most likely just tell you to stop all contact. Certain email providers like Hotmail have a block list option. Try to block him from sending you anything further, and feel free to call the Better Business Bureau on him if it makes you feel better. However, given his conduct and lack of legitimacy, you may find that his business doesn’t really exist. Definitely stop responding to his emails. If you don’t respond, I think he will stop emailing and find someone else to harass. In responding, you add fuel to his fire. Who knows what he is capable of, because he sounds like a psycho. Good thing this “business” is 5 hours away from you! Ultimately, you can’t stop idiots from being idiots and they are everywhere, not just online. Don’t let this upset you too much or take it personally, because it’s just plain ridiculous. You don’t know who you're dealing with here. You have never even met face to face so as far as I’m concerned, he could be a fugitive living in Iceland. It’s absurd that anyone would have that much to say to someone they don’t even know. He has issues. To think that you had to request that he not fraudulently use your name to endorse himself or gain business without your consent, is illegal activity on his part. Good thing he did obey, or else you would have a case on your hands, in which you could take legal action. Think nothing more of this and try to laugh it off because he really is a joke. Be very cautious when it comes to online job sites. You have to be careful who you share your information with. Sometimes it’s hard to avoid getting involved with garbage like this when it comes to those sites. Beware of the dangers in going there. You could also notify the job search website you found him on of his conduct.

Suspicious Texts from Boyfriend

Dear Charlie,
I received a bazaar text message from my boyfriend when he was supposed to be studying. It said “you’re not here?” He claimed that it was supposed to be for his roommate but this is not the first time I received a random text from him. He has texted me “you look so hot” when I wasn’t anywhere near him. His explanation was that he wanted me to feel sexy. He also sent me a text once that said “call me” right after I got off the phone with him. When I called him back, he had nothing to say, was acting weird, and then he had to go. I get a bad feeling about these messages. My boyfriend is really attractive and could have any girl he wants. Should I be concerned?

-Texty Girl

Dear Texty Girl,

YES. Unless your boyfriend has a wacky sense of humor, which I’m pretty sure you would be aware of by now, this sounds scandalous. His suspicious text messages are absolutely a cause for concern, considering the possibility that you may not be his only girlfriend. It’s time to take a look at this relationship. In the worst case scenario, you would discover that he is indeed cheating on you. Look for the warning signs. Has his affection or attention towards you been inconsistent? If you find that he is sometimes attentive and then other times negligent, then he's probably not entirely focused on you. Granted that he may be busy with school, you need to pay close attention now that he has set off your radar. When someone is cheating, they may begin to question or doubt the person they are cheating on. This diverts from the fact that they are the guilty one. This tactic psychologically confuses and manipulates the person being cheated on, to feel responsible that they aren’t making their partner feel secure. Meanwhile, the cheater is able to fool around and get away with it. It’s not always obvious when someone is playing games or being deceitful. How much free time does your boyfriend spend with you? What does he do on weekends? Hopefully he wants to spend time with you whenever he can. Also, is our boyfriend overprotective of his phone? How would he react if you were to pick it up randomly and ask him to use it? You should test him. If he acts defensively, or doesn’t want you looking at it, that would be a red flag that he has something to hide. Does he act peculiarly when you two are together? How does he respond to direct questions if you were to ask him if he is seeing anyone else? Some guys can talk a good game, but are sloppy when it comes to hiding their affairs. Do you find discrepancies in his plans? Does he often tell you he is doing one thing, but then you find him doing something else? Is he full of excuses? These are all signs of a true blue cheater. Try to remember if there have been any other signs pointing to the possibility that this boyfriend of yours is not honest. He is showing signs of cheating. Depending on what it will take to open your eyes to the truth about him, I would do some investigating. Don’t run blindly into this relationship with rose colored glasses on. Be cautious, guarded, and keep your wits about you. Don’t get too comfortable with this guy. To believe everything he tells you, or allow him to sweep you off your feet after this suspicious behavior, would be naive. You may get hurt either way, but it will be easier to pick yourself up and move on if you don’t let him take advantage of you. It’s never safe to assume anything, but if he is showing other suspicious signs, then I’d say it’s likely that your boyfriend has naughty secrets and maybe you should find a new one. A good relationship is built on trust and friendship. A relationship that causes you to worry or be constantly suspicious that something is going on behind your back, is dysfunctional and unhealthy. Sometimes we get so excited about someone whom we have strong physcal chemistry with or whom is very attractive to us, that we don't see the flaws surrounding their behavior. When this is the circumstance, we might begin to accept poor treatment to compensate for such a "superior" partner. In a healthy relationship, the love develops over a period of time. Trust is built on a strong foundation of non superficial qualities. If this isn’t enough to make you want to move on from your current boyfriend, then perhaps he deserves the benefit of the doubt. However, I would keep my eye on this guy because he sounds like pure, unadulterated trouble.

"Friends" Talking Behind Your Back

Dear Charlie,
I recently overheard some friends of mine talking about me. They didn’t know I could hear them, and what they said was very hurtful. They were making fun of me. They called me “spacey” and said I had bad taste in clothes. I had no idea they felt that way about me, and now that I know, I’m not sure they were ever my friends. I have always been sort of an introvert who dresses casually. I’m not going to be friends with people who feel this way about me. How do I tell them that I overheard them and that it really hurt? I don’t think we can be friends any more.

-Wall with Ears

Dear Wall with Ears,
How to explain to your so called “friends” that you’ve had a change of heart, after listening to them talk about you behind your back? I believe they dug their own graves here. Their irresponsible chattering has done them in and it is exactly as you say; they are not your friends at all. They are phony. People, who delight in ganging up on others, or only find a means to connect with people via a shared derogatory opinion of mutual “friends”, are negative and toxic. Life is too short for the presence of these kinds of people. Their behavior was rude, disgraceful, phony, disrespectful, and just plain tacky. Their judgment of you was hurtful, but what’s even worse is that they proved themselves to be backstabbers, which is a hideous characteristic to possess. Furthermore, the bad habit of irresponsible gossiping is contagious to those who are influenced by other people’s opinions. You don’t do that, and won’t associate with people who do. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders to me. You really don’t need to explain anything to your “friends”, because friends they are not! You’re free to go about your business (and life) without any explanation owed to them. If they approach you in some way, or insist on remaining “friends”, and you want to give them a reason (as to why you don’t comply), then do. Simply tell them that you don’t consider people who think of you as “spacey” or having bad taste, to be friends. Furthermore, you may go on to say that you heard them talking about you and that it was an eye opener. Explain that they showed you their true colors, and that they don’t match yours. Since they already think you have bad taste, they should understand how awful it is to miss-match colors. Friendships are about trust, honesty, and support. It’s unfortunate that you had to witness hurtful and shocking banter between people you trusted. Surprises like this are not pleasant, but such is life. You are disappointed, but they are who they are. Everyone is capable of disappointing you at some point or another, you just have to decide what is acceptable and worth it, and what is better off leaving behind. Crappy people just make the good ones shine brighter. The reality is not always pretty, but at least you can hold your head up and maintain your dignity despite the poor behavior of others. Friends come and go. It can take a long time to get to know people. You have a lot to be thankful for here. Be glad that you don’t gossip about the people you hang out with. Be glad that you are honest and trustworthy. Be glad that you are genuine. That is a wonderful quality that far too many people lack. Be glad that when someone is your friend, it is because you honestly care about them and that you sincerely mean what you say. You have more dignity and grace than people like these phony “friends” you were hanging out with. They are entitled to their opinion, be it mean or nasty. This was a rude awakening, but now it’s time to find some new friends who do like your style and appreciate your introverted personality. They taught us in elementary school that it takes 3 warm fuzzies (compliments) to make up for 1 cold prickly (insult). Well, that message still applies to adulthood, so get to work on rebuilding your mood as soon as possible. Don’t let their opinion make you feel too bad. They just don’t get you. Trust me when I say that for every jerk who doesn’t get you, there are 3 people out there in the world who do!

"I'm Too Nice to People"

Dear Charlie,

I’m a freelancer who works with different people all the time. I try to make the work day pleasant by getting along with whoever I work with. This is not such a good thing, because I’ve learned that I’m too nice to people. To give you an example, last week I had to work with a girl whom I didn’t really like. I guess I gave her the impression that I wanted to be friends. Now she talks to me online nonstop, and pries into my personal life. She also tries to follow me around and find out where I am so she can go there. She doesn’t understand why I am never there for her, and actually got mad at me when I didn’t acknowledge her one night. Then she posted general comments about what a true friend is, which I know was directed at me. I actually felt guilty, even though I don’t really like her and I don’t want to be friends! She makes me feel like I have to answer to her and explain myself. How did I get to this point? How can I be polite to people without being too nice when I’m on a job? Also, how can I let this girl know that I’m not necessarily her friend just because we worked together?

-Too Nice

Dear Too Nice,
You may be a bit of a push over in your opinion, but this girl sounds a bit on the neurotic side. I would go as far as to say she is someone to avoid at all cost. Would you say that you feel vulnerable at times? Does that describe you? If so, you did a great job working with her, but now that the job is over, you can go home and leave it where you found it. Your feelings of vulnerability are getting the best of you. People who are very giving, are subject to be victim to people who enjoy taking. You owe this girl nothing and don’t let her make you feel otherwise or she will continue to walk all over you. You might be suffering from passive aggressive tendencies, but I understand your logic. When you go to work, you want things to go smoothly and for there to be no drama. You want to have fun while you’re working and for everyone to get along, so you create a friendly atmosphere. That’s wonderful. You sound like you adapt well. Not everyone is capable of making the most of things. Some people wear their feelings on their sleeve no matter who is in their company. Not you! You rise above it. I think these are your strengths. You are able to focus on the positive long enough to get a job done smoothly with a smile. My guess is that you manage to be very good with people, even though they may annoy you or possess traits you don’t care for. Perhaps deep down inside you are a bit of an actress, to be able to put on a happy face in any given situation. Charming! However, it can get you into a pickle depending on the personality types of those around you. Everyone responds differently to friendliness and charm. Those who are needy might latch on to a person who is socially giving or gregarious. When you offer some people a hand, they’ll take a whole arm and leg! You never know who you are dealing with. This particular girl sounds clingy and controlling. I think this title is abused, but I will go ahead and say it; I think you have a friend stalker on your hands. I deem her behavior as desperate after spending so little time with you. She is not the kind of friend I would want to involuntarily have either. Based on what little you have told me about her, she seems to be manipulative and assuming all too much. However, you may be responsible for leading her on a little. I don’t know the extent of what you evaluate as being “too nice”, but if it includes making future plans to hang out or expressing interest in meeting her boyfriend or people she knows, then yes. You gave her the wrong idea. I highly recommend being direct. If you run into her or have to work with her again, just tap into your inner actress and politely say something like “nice to see you, I have a very busy personal life, but working together was fun.” Be as friendly as you were the first time you met, and she will see that it's just how you are. Some people are online happy, and that’s a bulk of their social life, but to the rest of us it’s a bit ridiculous. Perhaps you gave her something emotionally that she never had before. If your friendly nature has gotten you into trouble on numerous occasions, then maybe there’s some truth to your self-review. We all could stand to learn a thing or two about social graces. Some people feel they are too nice, while others are extremely rude. Be glad you have this problem rather than that! There’s a difference between being polite and inviting friendship in. Where to draw that fine line pertains to the individual. I think you could be polite and friendly while remaining guarded, by not talking too much or giving out too much information about yourself. Be a good listener, without getting too personal. Keep the conversation light and pertaining to the present moment. When you start to share personal information, people feel close to you. Depending on how much you open up to them, they may be able to feel very close to you in a short period of time. You need to be more guarded and protective of yourself. Intimacy is not just a romantic expression between lovers; it also relates to sharing private and personal details with those around you. Don't get intimate with people you barely know. If you have a habit of being an “open book” when it comes to socializing, people will be more likely to walk all over you. When you share too much information about yourself, you make yourself vulnerable to others. Then you are sort of at their mercy. Be guarded, toughen your skin, keep people at a distance, and don’t be so eager to please everybody. I think in your situation it would be OK to practice a little selfishness. If you don’t feel like making friends, then don’t. If someone irritates you, don't be affraid to express that in direct or sublte ways. This takes practice. You need to exercise your right to be honest and pratice being direct. You go to work to work, and nothing more. Social boundaries become unclear when people share too much information. I think this kind of experience shapes us into assertive adults. Over time, you will learn tools to help you better conduct yourself with people in a professional yet friendly manner. As for that girl, some people just don’t get it and have a lot to learn. Sometimes we realize that we need to take a step back from people we have fallen into association with, either by not responding to them at all, brushing them off completely, or by responding curtly. They will get the message. Don't be affraid. It's small potatoes. It’s ok to screw up when you’re learning social graces!

Pending Paternity Test

Dear Charlie,
It has come to my attention that the boy I have been raising as my son could possibly not be mine. My wife disclosed this to me 4 years into our marriage. It turns out that she was intimate with one of her ex boyfriends before we were married, around the time that she became pregnant. This news has damaged our relationship, and we are now separated. I’m unsure whether or not we will be able to work things out, as I am waiting for results of the paternity test. If I find out that my son is not mine, I think it will be very difficult for me to forgive her. We are in counseling, but the issue I’m writing you about is with the boy. I will be crushed if I’m not his real Father, so how will our relationship be able to continue? Please give me some words of wisdom regarding my son.

-Uncertain Father

Dear Uncertain Father,
That’s quite a load you’re carrying. I’m sorry that you had to receive such devastating news from your wife. I imagine you felt your whole world come tumbling down at that moment. Naturally. The fact that your wife was unfaithful has caused resentment and broken your trust, but it’s not impossible to work passed this. Some people are incapable of overcoming the burden of broken trust, but many people overcome it. If you are able to forgive her, focus on the friendship and bond you share as husband and wife. This will take courage and work, but it’s not impossible. I know you didn’t ask for advice on your marriage, but I do want to mention that it was long ago. Perhaps she is not the same person that she was then. People grow and evolve. The fact that she came clean with you was not easy for her to do. It took courage and humility. While you are devastated by this news, I imagine she is devastated also, as is your son. As for the issue at hand with regarding paternity, I will say that a Father is a male parent by definition. You have assumed the role as Father to this child, whom I’m sure has brought much joy and purpose to your life. You think your relationship with your son will be destroyed if a black and white piece of paper delivers the verdict that he’s not your blood offspring. However, you are and have been his only Father from the time he was born. Unless another man has been present in his life all this time, raising him, loving him, providing for him and supporting him, you are his one and only Father. Your feelings of love will not change depending on those results. You have a powerful, important, and deep bond. Every child needs a Father and a Mother. Children who come from single parent homes are often unbalanced and troubled growing up. That’s not to disgrace every child with a single parent, that’s just what statistics show. Though some may do it, it’s hard to be balanced when you only have one parent. This is because a child needs balance to grow and develop. A Father is not necessarily the man who helped your Mother procreate. You call him your son because that’s what he is. He is the child that you raised and are still raising. No one can take away the time you have had together, the love you share, and the responsibility you have taken over him. Regarding the pending results, I say it doesn’t matter. Your son is just that; your son. If you feel the need to look at the results for closure, and they are not in your favor, then you must simply go and legally adopt your son on paper. This makes the role you play in his life official. Society both acknowledges and respects that choice. Focus on the child’s future and happiness. Some biological Fathers are completely missing in the lives of their offspring. Some biological Father choose to not be involved, and neglect or don’t even acknowledge the babies they bore. It takes a real man with a strong heart to stand up to the plate and love an innocent child who needs help and direction. Isn’t that what you had when you were little? Hopefully your answer is yes, but if not, then you know what it’s like without a Father and you should want him to have what you didn’t. A lot of children don’t even have a Mother let alone a Father, and they are at the mercy of human kind. They wait for someone with a calling to show up and adopt them, assuming roles that their biological parents abandoned. This boy does not have a man in his life, to set an example to him and show him how to navigate life. You have been that for him. If you take that away because of a mistake your wife made and a test that shows you how, I would consider it a grave injustice to this child and to you! You need each other and so you deserve each other, in the sense that you love him and he loves you. This precious boy was a gift and a privilege to your life, and you to his. Be grateful that you have each other, and remember that love breaks all written boundaries. Doesn't it sound silly to worry if YOUR son might not be YOURS?? Of course he is. You don't want to miss out on his life. Uncertain Father, be certain that you are every bit a Father as a Father could be.

To "Help a Sister Out", or Not...

Dear Charlie,
I have worked hard to get where I am today. I have an amazing job that takes me all over the world. I get to meet fascinating people throughout my travels, and I plan to write a book about these adventures. One of my sisters recently contacted me online. I have not talked to her in ages, and she asked me what company I work for. She also wanted to know how I got the job. I’m extremely hesitant to give her this information, because I didn’t have anything handed to me in life. I found my own success. I have shared the spotlight with my siblings my whole life, and this is one thing that I did on my own. How can I politely tell her that it’s confidential information that I don’t want to share?

-My Own Person

Dear My Own Person,

It’s ultimately your prerogative if you don’t want to share. However, don’t you think you would be demonstrating good character and maturity by offering her the information? It's just information. Let’s face it; the company you work for is no secret to most people. It’s interesting that you haven’t talked to your own sister in ages. I’m curious about your family relationships. Depending on your true feelings toward your sister, it sounds like you harbor some serious resentment (correct me if I’m wrong). It sounds like you have let it consume you to the point where you don’t even want to “help a sister out”. You feel threatened by the idea that she might have a chance at doing what you have done. Your pride is getting in the way here (to say the least). I think it’s helpful to understand the long term effects of sibling rivalry here, and how it can still be alive and well in adulthood. I appreciate your desire to establish yourself apart from your family. Everyone is striving for individuality in one way or another. Many people establish themselves through their choice of spouse or career, but alot of family members share the same talents and interests. It sounds like your job is your rock. Through hard work you have come to find this unique life path, and no one can take that away from you. Your sister is asking for basic information. There’s nothing unreasonable about that. It was humble of her to come to you in the first place. Asking someone that kind of question is not always easy. Then there’s the possibility that maybe she just genuinely wants to know out of curiosity. You don’t know what her intentions are. Perhaps she wants to refer someone else there. Giving her this basic information doesn’t impose on your character, life style, or anything about you. No one can take away who you are or what you have done. My guess is that your family has some issues, which you have not dealt with yet. You don’t seem concerned about your reputation in your family, which explains why you don’t care to help. I would be insulted if someone in my family didn’t care enough to help me in times of need. Then again, I keep in touch with my family regularly. If they didn’t want to answer simple questions like these, I would think they were selfish and immature. You feel that your sister doesn’t deserve to be given a chance at the kind of happiness you have found. This is a judgment on your behalf, in which you feel entitled to have obtained this job, above her. You have concluded that by telling her who you work for, you would be handing life to her. However, that is not the reality because (like you admitted) you had to work hard to get there. Let’s look at the worst possible thing that could happen if you were to tell her what she wants to know... Let’s say you told her who you work for, and maybe even who to contact for a job there. Let’s say she then took that information and materialized her ambition into an actual job with them. Now she does what you do, and you no longer feel special. However, the reality would then still be that you got her the job. If it weren’t for you, she never would have had a chance. Therefore, if you’re looking for something to be prideful about, that’s it right there. If you were to direct her to the appropriate party within the company you work for, she would still have to prove herself and get the job. Maybe in the pit of your fear about giving her the “precious” information, you are afraid that she will somehow take away what you have done. What you could do, is contact your company and inform them of your sister’s interest in working there. DO this after she has actually expressed interest in working there (because she hasn't). You could tell them that you have no idea how she operates in the professional world, but that you wanted to help her by at least pointing her in the right direction. That makes you look good to your company. Who knows; maybe you could obtain a promotion of some sort. I don’t think you have to worry about it. Be a dear and tell your sister who you work for, because that’s only half the battle. After that, she has to actually get the job. I’d say that the chances of her getting hired there (in this economy) are not so good. I think you will regret it in the future when you look back one day and realize how selfish you were being. It feels good to help other people. I think you should work on building the relationships in your family to be stronger and healthier. If the relationships are too damaged to function, then that’s a much deeper issue and perhaps you need to cut them out entirely. Though it sounds like you sort of do. Family dysfunction is sometimes better off left behind, but answering her question could only make you look good.

A lot of people identify themselves by what they do. Distinguishing our sense of self in the world can be difficult when coming from a big family. I know very few families who don’t have issues. Everyone does. It’s part of being alive. Only through compromise can we learn to work together. Otherwise, we may become like a selfish little island of wants and needs.

Old Friends Who Still Party

Dear Charlie,

When I was younger, I partied a lot. I used to drink and experiment with drugs, but I wouldn’t say I was an addict or anything. Let’s just say I knew how to have a good time. Now I’m much more responsible. I graduated from Law School and am currently living with my fiancé. I have a friend from High School whom I used to get into a lot of trouble with. He lives far away so we don’t see each other much, but we talk from time to time. I want to go back to visit him and my hometown, but the problem is that he hasn’t changed a bit. He’s still into parties, drugs, and sleeping around. How can I remain friends with him without falling back into old habits?

-Former Wild Child

Dear Former Wild Child,

All hail the glory days of old. Your partner in crime wants to remain partners, whereas you have chosen to sever the old business merger. I get the impression that “he hasn’t changed a bit” was meant in a bad way. The fact is that you don’t have a problem with addiction, but perhaps this friend of yours does. Is it necessary for you to be friends as adults? People change, and go their separate ways. I can appreciate wanting to reconnect with old buddies. Perhaps you consider him like family? If so, there are all kinds of personality types within any given family. You may have different goals and values. Just because we are different doesn’t mean we can’t get along and have a good time together. Basically what you’ve told me is that while you evolved and developed into a functional and stable adult, your friend has not. Some people unfortunately never grow up. It doesn’t mean he can’t have a special place in your heart or that you can never see him again. It doesn't sound like this could be much of an issue since you live seperate lives so far away. When his habits become dysfunctional or abusive to your friendship, then it’s a problem. Until then, what he does with his life is his choice. Just be yourself and don’t make it an issue (unless he does). It’s fun to revisit the people and places we knew when life was simple. If you are still able to hang out and understand each other despite your obvious differences, then that’s great. Sometimes friendships are frozen in time. Perhaps when you are together again, you revert to the age when you were the best of friends. It’s natural for people to regress when in the company of childhood associations. Memories come flooding in and reminding us of how we used to feel. For example, whenever my husband hangs out with his siblings, he behaves younger (if you know what I mean). Ha ha, sorry honey! Their bond as children was strong so as adults, they mentally go back to that time when they're together. Keep in mind that this is a universal dilemma for people. It’s only a problem when the components that once bonded you together no longer exist. If you know that hanging out with this guy will mean free party favors, then have your wits about you. People who do drugs are hard to be friends with (if you don’t do drugs), because they usually expect you to join in. They have this attitude like it's part of the friendship deal. Those are the people with substance abuse problems. They will actually get offended if you don’t par take. Hopefully this does not describe your friend. You can choose to not hang out with him in settings where he feels comfortable making you an “offer”. If he says something like “come hang out with me, I will supply the goodies” then it’s time he got to know the adult you. If this guy is really a friend, then simply decline when he does offer you something. You can simply say “I’m getting too old for that stuff“, or “my fiancé will kill me” in a light manner and laugh it off. Don’t make it an issue, just be cool and let it go. Hopefully he will drop it. Having a drink is a reasonable way for friends to catch up. Blowing 4 lines of cocaine and downing 4 tequila shots is not. Your inner child connects with him, but your adult sense doesn’t. If he pressures you, then it’s time to reevaluate this friendship. As a mature and grounded person, you may find it awkward to return to him and deal with his immaturity. After all, that is what it is. Let’s call a spade a spade here. We all grow up. It’s not a choice, it’s part of the living process. Given the extent of your history and your honesty to assess whether your drug use was problematic or not, this is a classic case of sobriety versus non sobriety. Some people in your situation might feel the pressure to stay cool in the eyes of this old friend. Let’s face it; you wouldn’t have been a partier if you didn’t think parties (and what they entailed) were cool. Maybe that lives deep down inside you somewhere, but you have changed. You are entitled to grow and develop. Look at what you have done with your life. You have managed to go to college, attain a degree, build and keep a relationship, and land a job. Well done! Your friend has not done so well. Maybe he wants your help or maybe he doesn’t, but you should be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Even if somewhere in your mind you still seek the approval of this guy, hold your head high because you succeeded to concur what has brought many people down. There’s absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. Be proud that you pulled it together, and sorry that he has not. People with addictions to boozing or drugs, often go through detox and rehab in order to take control of their lives, and still come out on the other end troubled. How bad is your friend? Has he been to rehab? Does he need to go? Are you able to hang out with him without being tempted to do something foolish? Or does hanging out with him mean that you will allow yourself to have a little fun for old time sake? You could mentally set some personal boundaries with yourself and him. Only meet up with him in public places. You can show him that you are an adult now with real responsibilities, but you still like to have a good time. Invite him out to eat or something innocent like that. Play it safe. Get a drink at a bar or something. If he doesn’t want the party to end there, just stay firm on your limits, and politely tell him you can’t because you have plans to “(insert hypothetical plans)”. If he is a real friend, he will respect you. I don’t think it will take him long to realize how far you have come. He will see that you are stable, and plan to stay that way, but that your inner child was fun and wild. Hold your ground and remember that your life is your choice. He could learn a thing or two from you. Maybe you will rub off on him, but most likely he is who he is going to be by now. Don’t be ashamed of your evolution. “Growing up” is tough and sometimes means we lose people along the way. The friendship will always be alive in your memories, and no one can take away the time you had together. You chose to walk away from that life style for very valuable and good reasons.

Some people, who experiment with or engage in mischievous/rebellious conduct as adolescents, still manage to become functional and healthy adults. On the contrary, most people lack the willpower to control the impulse to escape life’s difficulties (via getting drunk or high), after abusing it too many times. A lot of people think they are in control; meanwhile their life has spiraled in the opposite direction. Young people are excited by risk, so they enjoy the challenge. The euphoria people feel when they’re high, is addicting like a video game; it’s not real. It’s not hard to become warped or delusional this way. Addicts condition themselves to seek constant stimulation. Once people have given themselves the freedom to do this, it’s very hard to resist it as they get older and life gets more complicated. They lose sight of reality, which is that they’re not doing anything productive. They become dysfunctional and sometimes dangerous to others. Boozing, pill popping, “snow” blowing, shooting up, and all the little innovative ways people find to get high these days, just deprive people of the chance to build tools to cope with life’s burdens in a healthy way. These methods are not empowering, to say the least. The impulse to escape then turns into substance abuse, and ultimately a lifelong addiction problem. It’s an ugly cycle that never ends for many people. Therefore, experimenting with drugs or binge drinking is a risky and dangerous game to play in youth, because it can lead to dark places. If you have the strength to know your limits, stop when it’s time and turn your life around, then good for you. I would think that in this heavily media influenced world we live in, people would be turned off by things that break down your body and age you faster. However, young people don’t always see the long term effects and tend to think they are invincible. They are the ones who grow up to have many regrets. They become very unhappy when the years catch up with them later. The new movie “Inception” features this very subject. In Inception, the characters battle in a realm of what is real and what is not. It's not a happy ending for everyone.