Dear Charlie,
My friend has a drinking problem. I really like my friend when she’s sober, but I can’t stand her when she’s drunk. I want nothing to do with her the minute she orders a drink, because I know she will not be able to have just one. She always exceeds her limits, and it’s embarrassing. I think this is distasteful and rude. I'm not trying to lose a friend, but I don’t know how to handle her when she gets like that.
-The Sober One
Dear Sober One,
Is this a recent habit of your friend? Or has she always been a drinker? Maybe it’s just a phase she’s going through, or maybe she’s got some deep issues she hasn’t worked out. Perhaps your friend’s drinking habits were tolerable before, but now they’re reaching new heights. If she is going through a hard time, then this is a really bad way of coping with it. She may need to talk to someone, but you are not obligated to be her therapist. Out of concern as her friend, it would be acceptable for you to tell her she has a problem. Confront your friend in a way that you are comfortable. Suggest making plans anywhere BUT a bar or restaurant where alcohol is accessible. Explain that excessive drinking is terribly unhealthy, and that you are worried about her well being. If she doesn’t appreciate your concern, then that’s too bad. She is putting you in a bad position with her intolerable conduct. You’re right; it’s distasteful, rude, and unfair to you, as well as herself. She needs to have more respect for herself, as well as you. Some people cannot have a drink without killing the entire bottle. If one drink immediately exceeds another, and soon your friend is inebriated, then stop hanging out with her. If that’s all she wants to do, then she is free to carry on without you. This is not a past time that you wish to par take in. If she is going to behave that way, then you are not obligated to keep her company. It’s good to take some responsibility for the people you care about, but at some point they have to help themselves. You can try to help, but if she doesn’t do the foot work, then your case is closed. Your friend has the same problem that many dysfunctional people have. Let me remind you that alcoholism is classified as a clinical disease. Many alcoholics will shut themselves off from their support systems, because they don’t want to be told that what they’re doing is unacceptable. This isolation combined with drinking associations, sets them up for disaster. Passivity towards this behavior sends the message that it is acceptable. Your friend needs an intervention, but ultimately no one can make her change if she insists on not taking care of herself. She has to want to change. Maybe you can try reaching out to her family and letting them know what she has been up to… If you confront her about her problem and she doesn’t take action to fix it, then the problem is out of your hands. It’s very hard to overcome this harmful addiction without professional help. It starts with a realization of the problem, followed by an acknowledgment that you have it, and a desire to change. It is not your job to become her personally life coach. You are her friend, and in being that you must bring it to her attention. You do not support her killing her liver and drowning her life in a bottle of booze(among other things). Tell her what she is doing to herself, her reputation, her body, her life, and how it makes you feel. Some people just choose to throw their lives away, but you don’t have to continue to associate with people who make poor decisions. Once you have tried to help, it is up to her. You don’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation she causes with her irresponsibility. Sometimes a friendship is better off frozen in time as a memory. People change for better, and sometimes for worse, but you can’t hold someone’s entire world up. They have to take action or else it becomes unhealthy for you. This is a dark path she has chosen to go down, and that is her choice. When a ship is sinking, it may drag you down with it...
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Naming the Baby
Dear Charlie,
My wife and I are about to give birth to our second child. Since I named the first one, we agreed that my wife would name the second. The problem is that my wife is set on a particular name for the baby, which also happens to be the name of her X-boyfriend. Prior to our marriage, my wife was in a serious relationship with a guy from college whom she almost married. I am very bothered that she wants to name our child after him. She insists that she has always loved that name even before knowing him. I can’t help but feel there is some sort of sentimental attachment with the name connected to her X. Am I being unfair by asking her to pick another name?
-Soon to be Father
Dear Soon to be Father,
Firstly, congratulations on a second baby! This is an exciting time for everyone in your family, and a time for adjustment to change. Not to mention that your first born will now have to share mom and dad with a sibling. “What’s in a name, that which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet…?” Even though you both agreed to let your wife name your second child, the fact is that marriage is a team effort. You may have thought of the name the first time, but your wife agreed to it. Therefore, I think it's only fair that you permit her to suggest names this time (as you did the first time), but that you AGREE on one. Let her to come up with the options, but you have to agree. After all, it takes two to make a baby (in most cases). Marriage is a partnership in every direction, so no; I do not think it's unfair of you to ask her to pick another name, granted you feel the way you do about it. Here's a story to consider though... A friend of mine had a family member whom had done time in prison. Let’s call him “Lou”. She couldn’t stand Lou nor want anything to do with him. When she began dating, she would often meet men named Lou, and take that as a sign that they were wrong for her because she loathed her relative so much. However, one of her colleagues was named Lou, and she was unable to run away from him because she had to see him on a daily basis. He turned out to be one of the nicest and most decent men she knew. Today, they are dating. To think that her boyfriend shares the same name as a person she spent her life loathing is remarkable. There are different ways to look at it. Perhaps she would have preferred to shun that tainted name from her lips for all eternity? Or maybe she was willing to give the name a chance to take on a new meaning? In her case, one Lou replaced another. I assure you that if you do decide to go with the name your wife insists on, and when your son is born, he will become an individual apart from your wife’s X-boyfriend. He will be his own person, giving new life to a name you once disliked for personal reasons. Remember the fact that your wife picked you, not her X. You are her Romeo. I would push the idea of compromising on a similar but different name (if she likes it so much). Definitely explain to your wife how her decision makes you feel, if you haven’t already. Like you always hear; communication is key. She should listen with open ears and respect your feelings about it. I don’t know the details of her history with her X, but is it possible that these feelings are stemming from a current trust issue? It sounds like you are concerned that your wife still harbors feelings for her X. If so, you need to address that and work on it particularly. This could have something to do with the faith you have in your wife, or be feeding an insecurity you have with her past. In the aftermath, whoever your baby will be, he will be a new person all his own!
My wife and I are about to give birth to our second child. Since I named the first one, we agreed that my wife would name the second. The problem is that my wife is set on a particular name for the baby, which also happens to be the name of her X-boyfriend. Prior to our marriage, my wife was in a serious relationship with a guy from college whom she almost married. I am very bothered that she wants to name our child after him. She insists that she has always loved that name even before knowing him. I can’t help but feel there is some sort of sentimental attachment with the name connected to her X. Am I being unfair by asking her to pick another name?
-Soon to be Father
Dear Soon to be Father,
Firstly, congratulations on a second baby! This is an exciting time for everyone in your family, and a time for adjustment to change. Not to mention that your first born will now have to share mom and dad with a sibling. “What’s in a name, that which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet…?” Even though you both agreed to let your wife name your second child, the fact is that marriage is a team effort. You may have thought of the name the first time, but your wife agreed to it. Therefore, I think it's only fair that you permit her to suggest names this time (as you did the first time), but that you AGREE on one. Let her to come up with the options, but you have to agree. After all, it takes two to make a baby (in most cases). Marriage is a partnership in every direction, so no; I do not think it's unfair of you to ask her to pick another name, granted you feel the way you do about it. Here's a story to consider though... A friend of mine had a family member whom had done time in prison. Let’s call him “Lou”. She couldn’t stand Lou nor want anything to do with him. When she began dating, she would often meet men named Lou, and take that as a sign that they were wrong for her because she loathed her relative so much. However, one of her colleagues was named Lou, and she was unable to run away from him because she had to see him on a daily basis. He turned out to be one of the nicest and most decent men she knew. Today, they are dating. To think that her boyfriend shares the same name as a person she spent her life loathing is remarkable. There are different ways to look at it. Perhaps she would have preferred to shun that tainted name from her lips for all eternity? Or maybe she was willing to give the name a chance to take on a new meaning? In her case, one Lou replaced another. I assure you that if you do decide to go with the name your wife insists on, and when your son is born, he will become an individual apart from your wife’s X-boyfriend. He will be his own person, giving new life to a name you once disliked for personal reasons. Remember the fact that your wife picked you, not her X. You are her Romeo. I would push the idea of compromising on a similar but different name (if she likes it so much). Definitely explain to your wife how her decision makes you feel, if you haven’t already. Like you always hear; communication is key. She should listen with open ears and respect your feelings about it. I don’t know the details of her history with her X, but is it possible that these feelings are stemming from a current trust issue? It sounds like you are concerned that your wife still harbors feelings for her X. If so, you need to address that and work on it particularly. This could have something to do with the faith you have in your wife, or be feeding an insecurity you have with her past. In the aftermath, whoever your baby will be, he will be a new person all his own!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Long Distance Friends
Dear Charlie,
My best friend and I used to do everything together. We've been friends for 6 years. We used to exercise, have sleepovers, lunch dates, and I'd stay at her place when she went away. Then I met someone special and moved to another state to be with him. That’s when my best friend and I became phone buddies. It's been over a year now and my boyfriend and I are great, but my friend has stopped answering my calls. It’s like we’re not friends any more. Call me crazy, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a relationship and she’s not?!? Or if she just feels like it’s a waste of time. I’m trying to maintain our friendship but don't understand.
-Friendless
Dear Friendless,
Refer to the expression “out of sight, out of mind”, which I feel applies to your situation. Some people are impossible to keep in touch with unless you are in front of them on a daily basis. People can be surprising with how easily they fall off the face of the planet. It’s also effortless to get caught up with your own life and lose track of time or people you were once inseparable with. Life is always changing. Today we have so many options at our finger tips that make it very easy for us to stay connected. When someone you were close to don’t utilize those tools, you naturally feel hurt. What excuse do they have? I would hope that if I moved away, my friends would take advantage of options like Skype to stay in touch. If they didn’t, I would feel forgotten too. However, granted that you are in a relationship and your friend is not, I would say you have lost some common ground. You have changed. You used to be single and had a lot of time to commit to this friendship. Over time, you met someone who took priority over your friend that essentially led to your relocation, and now you are nothing more than a voice over the phone. To make matters worse, you are in a good relationship which your friend cannot currently relate to, so when you talk, it’s about that. Even if she has been in relationships before, the fact that she is not in one currently would make it hard for her to relate to you. You are on different pages. It’s possible that your friend felt abandoned by you, or became depressed after you moved away. I would say that loss affected her negatively whether she acknowledged it or not. She may be happy for you, but simply not on the same page as you anymore. It’s up to you to keep this relationship going, because it seems she has moved on. Try sending her a transcendent card, and reminding her how much you miss her and how special of a friend she really is to you. If you reach out and open the lines of communication, she will not forget you. Then one day she may realize that your friendship went deeper than just having a fun time. You have to make the effort though and try to focus on things you have in common. Keep an open mind. People stick with associations they relate to. Married couples are often friends with other married couples. It’s also important to have balance in your life, so make sure you’re not devoting everything you’ve got solely to your boyfriend. That can really sabotage a friendship. Long distance friendships are an impossible adjustment for some people to make, when they are used to regular visits. You once fulfilled a need that you no longer do. Women bond easily and it’s easy to replace friendships with food, hobbies, work, or even other friends. If you do not want to lose this friendship, then don’t give up. It’s also not likely she will stay single forever, so when she does meet someone, she may feel like she can suddenly connect with you again. Patience. Life is always shifting. She will come around again.
My best friend and I used to do everything together. We've been friends for 6 years. We used to exercise, have sleepovers, lunch dates, and I'd stay at her place when she went away. Then I met someone special and moved to another state to be with him. That’s when my best friend and I became phone buddies. It's been over a year now and my boyfriend and I are great, but my friend has stopped answering my calls. It’s like we’re not friends any more. Call me crazy, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a relationship and she’s not?!? Or if she just feels like it’s a waste of time. I’m trying to maintain our friendship but don't understand.
-Friendless
Dear Friendless,
Refer to the expression “out of sight, out of mind”, which I feel applies to your situation. Some people are impossible to keep in touch with unless you are in front of them on a daily basis. People can be surprising with how easily they fall off the face of the planet. It’s also effortless to get caught up with your own life and lose track of time or people you were once inseparable with. Life is always changing. Today we have so many options at our finger tips that make it very easy for us to stay connected. When someone you were close to don’t utilize those tools, you naturally feel hurt. What excuse do they have? I would hope that if I moved away, my friends would take advantage of options like Skype to stay in touch. If they didn’t, I would feel forgotten too. However, granted that you are in a relationship and your friend is not, I would say you have lost some common ground. You have changed. You used to be single and had a lot of time to commit to this friendship. Over time, you met someone who took priority over your friend that essentially led to your relocation, and now you are nothing more than a voice over the phone. To make matters worse, you are in a good relationship which your friend cannot currently relate to, so when you talk, it’s about that. Even if she has been in relationships before, the fact that she is not in one currently would make it hard for her to relate to you. You are on different pages. It’s possible that your friend felt abandoned by you, or became depressed after you moved away. I would say that loss affected her negatively whether she acknowledged it or not. She may be happy for you, but simply not on the same page as you anymore. It’s up to you to keep this relationship going, because it seems she has moved on. Try sending her a transcendent card, and reminding her how much you miss her and how special of a friend she really is to you. If you reach out and open the lines of communication, she will not forget you. Then one day she may realize that your friendship went deeper than just having a fun time. You have to make the effort though and try to focus on things you have in common. Keep an open mind. People stick with associations they relate to. Married couples are often friends with other married couples. It’s also important to have balance in your life, so make sure you’re not devoting everything you’ve got solely to your boyfriend. That can really sabotage a friendship. Long distance friendships are an impossible adjustment for some people to make, when they are used to regular visits. You once fulfilled a need that you no longer do. Women bond easily and it’s easy to replace friendships with food, hobbies, work, or even other friends. If you do not want to lose this friendship, then don’t give up. It’s also not likely she will stay single forever, so when she does meet someone, she may feel like she can suddenly connect with you again. Patience. Life is always shifting. She will come around again.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Cat Person
Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend and I have been together for quite some time now. In the beginning of our relationship I pushed us to adopt a kitten. At the adoption agency, we fell in love with an adorable little kitten. As we were about to leave, another bigger kitten caught her eye and we decided to adopt the pair. The little one is by far more dominant, despite his size. Often times he torments the bigger one by wrestling with him or biting his tail. We do our best to defend him, but we can't be there all the time. Recently, to my horror, my girlfriend suggested we ship the bigger one off to some little old lady that better suits his sleepy eyed personality. Instead of disciplining the bad one or separating the two for a "time out", she preferred to just get ride of the poor lad. I was shocked to discover that she would abandon the very kitten she had picked out just because his world wasn't perfect. Well, that is just unbelievable to me - I love them both and I have a responsibility to keep them healthy and happy. I am so torn. PLEASE HELP!!!!
-Cat Lover
Dear Cat Lover,
I would like to start by telling you to forget your girlfriend, and date me instead. Just kidding. Instead, I will say that I’m so impressed with how sweet and caring you are. I am tickled by your concern. Your integrity and devotion is astonishing. You are incredibly responsible too! My assumption is that you are sensitive to others and care very deeply about those around you. Loyalty is a truly golden quality that every woman dreams of finding in a man, but very few do. I’d say your girlfriend struck gold with you. The question is how? Did she come by it naturally? Was it an accidental discovery? Or was she DIGGING for it? There are all kinds of women out there. Let’s hope your girlfriend is appreciative and deserving of what she has. As for your feline dilemma, it sounds like both you and your girlfriend are “cat people”. Some people are not, and don't give a hoot about the animals. If you and your mate are however, it’s a wonderful compatibility. I can personally relate to your situation, because I have to monitor my cats all the time. One of my cats is a menace and knows when he is being naughty. He will wait until I’m not looking to pester my other, more docile cat. In fact, my troublemaker cat is patronizing my passive cat (while he’s trying to nap) as we speak. They mature and calm down as they get older, but they are like children. Their personalities develop over time. There are many possibilities and things to consider which may help explain what lead to your girlfriends bothersome suggestion. Assuming you live together, one person might provide financially, while the other does more of the footwork. I would just suggest to acknowledge that this is a team effort, granted that it is. Here's an eterntaining thought: do you happen to play favorites? If so, is this could cause many repercussions. For instance, is this particular cat you are concerned about “the favorite” for you? This could be a case of favoritism rivalry. Perhaps your girlfriend is jealous of this cat and wants to be the favorite again? Then there’s the possibility that the other cat is jealous that you favor this one, and has charmed (brainwashed or manipulated) your girlfriend to have him removed!?! Sometimes we are working for our cats and don’t even know it... those clever little devils. Realistically, you should take it into consideration that your girlfriend was simply trying to come up with a solution for the better interest of the cat. She probably didn’t intend to “abandon” him, but was just thinking out loud. This was her impromptu expression for concern about his discomfort. I don’t think you should take it so seriously. I think his well being is important to both of you, but your girlfriends’ suggestion is bothersome because you feel she is abandoning him. Even without knowing your girlfriend, I don’t think that’s the case despite how it sounded. Your girlfriend probably does not want to abandon the cat, but rather make him happy. This is sweet. Perhaps she thought for a moment that this was like sending him to college, now that he is grown (and seems unhappy). Maybe she wants him to have a better life? You know, you can still be a “cat person” even if you are allergic to them. I have a friend who insist on having a cat, despite her allergies. Is your girlfriend allergic to cats by any chance? If so, this would make it easier for her to detach herself from said creature. Pet allergies can become absolutely debilitating and unbearable for the daily functioning of some people. Perhaps she was just thinking of everyone's health mentally and physically, but didn't really mean it? You are very sweet, but don’t forget your priorities. If your girlfriend and 2 cats were all drowning, who would you save? If you answer: ”I would probably die trying to save them all”, then you’ve got a problem. A cat is a wonderful and irreplaceable companion, but it is an ANIMAL and is incomparable to human companionship. Maybe your girlfriend is feeling underappreciated lately? Some people go a little nutty over their pets. I know a girl whom was told to sleep on the couch because her boyfriend's dog was more comfortable on the bed! That was the end of that relationship. Also, if you happen to walk on the bathroom rug when it has been freshly cleaned, that might also cause your girlfriend to lash out on the cat. You may want to stop that. Just kidding. Finally, is it possible that your girlfriend has a history with feline pets? People often become so attached to their pets, that they form a bond similar to that of parents and children. This emotional connection is devastated with the passing of a pet, and a person may feel apprehensive to get close again to another animal, for fear of that same devastation. You will most likely outlive your pets, and that is a loss unlike any other (if you don’t have children). You sound like you would make an excellent Father. Maybe you should get married and have children? Unless of course, you feel your girlfriend does not deserve you, or you don’t want to marry her, in which case you should break it off as soon as possible. If there is an issue of your girlfriend being unable to reproduce, there is always adoption. Just like you adopted your cats, you would bond and feel even stronger for a little person. Imagine the possibilities…
My girlfriend and I have been together for quite some time now. In the beginning of our relationship I pushed us to adopt a kitten. At the adoption agency, we fell in love with an adorable little kitten. As we were about to leave, another bigger kitten caught her eye and we decided to adopt the pair. The little one is by far more dominant, despite his size. Often times he torments the bigger one by wrestling with him or biting his tail. We do our best to defend him, but we can't be there all the time. Recently, to my horror, my girlfriend suggested we ship the bigger one off to some little old lady that better suits his sleepy eyed personality. Instead of disciplining the bad one or separating the two for a "time out", she preferred to just get ride of the poor lad. I was shocked to discover that she would abandon the very kitten she had picked out just because his world wasn't perfect. Well, that is just unbelievable to me - I love them both and I have a responsibility to keep them healthy and happy. I am so torn. PLEASE HELP!!!!
-Cat Lover
Dear Cat Lover,
I would like to start by telling you to forget your girlfriend, and date me instead. Just kidding. Instead, I will say that I’m so impressed with how sweet and caring you are. I am tickled by your concern. Your integrity and devotion is astonishing. You are incredibly responsible too! My assumption is that you are sensitive to others and care very deeply about those around you. Loyalty is a truly golden quality that every woman dreams of finding in a man, but very few do. I’d say your girlfriend struck gold with you. The question is how? Did she come by it naturally? Was it an accidental discovery? Or was she DIGGING for it? There are all kinds of women out there. Let’s hope your girlfriend is appreciative and deserving of what she has. As for your feline dilemma, it sounds like both you and your girlfriend are “cat people”. Some people are not, and don't give a hoot about the animals. If you and your mate are however, it’s a wonderful compatibility. I can personally relate to your situation, because I have to monitor my cats all the time. One of my cats is a menace and knows when he is being naughty. He will wait until I’m not looking to pester my other, more docile cat. In fact, my troublemaker cat is patronizing my passive cat (while he’s trying to nap) as we speak. They mature and calm down as they get older, but they are like children. Their personalities develop over time. There are many possibilities and things to consider which may help explain what lead to your girlfriends bothersome suggestion. Assuming you live together, one person might provide financially, while the other does more of the footwork. I would just suggest to acknowledge that this is a team effort, granted that it is. Here's an eterntaining thought: do you happen to play favorites? If so, is this could cause many repercussions. For instance, is this particular cat you are concerned about “the favorite” for you? This could be a case of favoritism rivalry. Perhaps your girlfriend is jealous of this cat and wants to be the favorite again? Then there’s the possibility that the other cat is jealous that you favor this one, and has charmed (brainwashed or manipulated) your girlfriend to have him removed!?! Sometimes we are working for our cats and don’t even know it... those clever little devils. Realistically, you should take it into consideration that your girlfriend was simply trying to come up with a solution for the better interest of the cat. She probably didn’t intend to “abandon” him, but was just thinking out loud. This was her impromptu expression for concern about his discomfort. I don’t think you should take it so seriously. I think his well being is important to both of you, but your girlfriends’ suggestion is bothersome because you feel she is abandoning him. Even without knowing your girlfriend, I don’t think that’s the case despite how it sounded. Your girlfriend probably does not want to abandon the cat, but rather make him happy. This is sweet. Perhaps she thought for a moment that this was like sending him to college, now that he is grown (and seems unhappy). Maybe she wants him to have a better life? You know, you can still be a “cat person” even if you are allergic to them. I have a friend who insist on having a cat, despite her allergies. Is your girlfriend allergic to cats by any chance? If so, this would make it easier for her to detach herself from said creature. Pet allergies can become absolutely debilitating and unbearable for the daily functioning of some people. Perhaps she was just thinking of everyone's health mentally and physically, but didn't really mean it? You are very sweet, but don’t forget your priorities. If your girlfriend and 2 cats were all drowning, who would you save? If you answer: ”I would probably die trying to save them all”, then you’ve got a problem. A cat is a wonderful and irreplaceable companion, but it is an ANIMAL and is incomparable to human companionship. Maybe your girlfriend is feeling underappreciated lately? Some people go a little nutty over their pets. I know a girl whom was told to sleep on the couch because her boyfriend's dog was more comfortable on the bed! That was the end of that relationship. Also, if you happen to walk on the bathroom rug when it has been freshly cleaned, that might also cause your girlfriend to lash out on the cat. You may want to stop that. Just kidding. Finally, is it possible that your girlfriend has a history with feline pets? People often become so attached to their pets, that they form a bond similar to that of parents and children. This emotional connection is devastated with the passing of a pet, and a person may feel apprehensive to get close again to another animal, for fear of that same devastation. You will most likely outlive your pets, and that is a loss unlike any other (if you don’t have children). You sound like you would make an excellent Father. Maybe you should get married and have children? Unless of course, you feel your girlfriend does not deserve you, or you don’t want to marry her, in which case you should break it off as soon as possible. If there is an issue of your girlfriend being unable to reproduce, there is always adoption. Just like you adopted your cats, you would bond and feel even stronger for a little person. Imagine the possibilities…
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Craigslist: Anarchy Gone Wild
Dear Charlie,
I have always relied on Craigslist for everything. It used to be reliable for jobs and apartments but lately it has been one scam after the other. I can’t believe how many posts I have replied to have turned out to be scams! Craigslist was my #1 resource, but it doesn’t work anymore. I read your letter about the endless job hunt, which reminded me of how disappointing Craigslist has been for me personally too. I’m not sure what people will replace it with.
-Unlisted
Dear Unlisted,
Everything you say is true. Craigslist had a go for a while, but it has gone down the tubes because it is poorly organized. Reports of Craigslist disappointing people across the globe have even been featured on the news. It is now being identified (by me) as more of a Craplist. Sites like Facebook and Linkedin are excellent replacements for the Craigslist we used to know. There is no anonymity on those sites, as you can validate who is posting something. Linkedin is great for jobs and has the same concept of confirming & identifying contacts. In terms of universal search engines for your area, Globallistings.org is a good one. Blockwild.com is another decent new site trying to get started. Twitter has also taken off on several platforms. It’s annoying to have to keep up with the ever changing trends of online navigation, but that’s the high tech world we live in. The problem with Craigslist which has essentially warn it down over time, is that it anybody and everybody can post anonymously. This opens the door to endless possibilities as all the freaks, creeps, and perverts come out of the woodwork to take advantage. When you give this kind of freedom to site visitors, you allow anyone to be a user. Anyone can be whoever they want to be or claim to be. There’s no demand for validation. You may have found legitimate and intelligible posts suddenly vanished. Anyone can flag anything and have it removed. This includes competitors or people who are just out to sabotage for any personal reason. Eventually all the genuine and valid posts are weeded out or sabotaged, until we are left with the flakey, trashy, perverted, amateur, and con artists. This is how Craigslist became an Anarchy gone wild. We need a new “list” to take over and learn from Craig’s mistakes. When you don’t do a good job of filtering out garbage, new networking sites will dance on your grave.
I have always relied on Craigslist for everything. It used to be reliable for jobs and apartments but lately it has been one scam after the other. I can’t believe how many posts I have replied to have turned out to be scams! Craigslist was my #1 resource, but it doesn’t work anymore. I read your letter about the endless job hunt, which reminded me of how disappointing Craigslist has been for me personally too. I’m not sure what people will replace it with.
-Unlisted
Dear Unlisted,
Everything you say is true. Craigslist had a go for a while, but it has gone down the tubes because it is poorly organized. Reports of Craigslist disappointing people across the globe have even been featured on the news. It is now being identified (by me) as more of a Craplist. Sites like Facebook and Linkedin are excellent replacements for the Craigslist we used to know. There is no anonymity on those sites, as you can validate who is posting something. Linkedin is great for jobs and has the same concept of confirming & identifying contacts. In terms of universal search engines for your area, Globallistings.org is a good one. Blockwild.com is another decent new site trying to get started. Twitter has also taken off on several platforms. It’s annoying to have to keep up with the ever changing trends of online navigation, but that’s the high tech world we live in. The problem with Craigslist which has essentially warn it down over time, is that it anybody and everybody can post anonymously. This opens the door to endless possibilities as all the freaks, creeps, and perverts come out of the woodwork to take advantage. When you give this kind of freedom to site visitors, you allow anyone to be a user. Anyone can be whoever they want to be or claim to be. There’s no demand for validation. You may have found legitimate and intelligible posts suddenly vanished. Anyone can flag anything and have it removed. This includes competitors or people who are just out to sabotage for any personal reason. Eventually all the genuine and valid posts are weeded out or sabotaged, until we are left with the flakey, trashy, perverted, amateur, and con artists. This is how Craigslist became an Anarchy gone wild. We need a new “list” to take over and learn from Craig’s mistakes. When you don’t do a good job of filtering out garbage, new networking sites will dance on your grave.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Moving to NYC
Dear Charlie,
I want to move to NYC but I haven’t found an apartment. I don’t mind having a roommate if I have to, but I don’t know of anyone there. Everyone always tells me how it’s expensive, so I’m preparing to pay but I don’t know where to start. Please help!
-Dreaming of NYC
Dear Dreaming of NYC,
What a lovely dream to have. However, I sigh at the memory of what many of my friends and I have gone through. Apartment hunting in NYC is a hefty undertaking, resulting in paying a hefty price. Websites will direct you to other websites, where you can find listings for tenant seekers, but all of them are a mystery. Agencies will charge you outrageous fees. Craigslist is becoming notorious for its large volume of freaks, creeps, and perverts. Alert the media if you find someone legitimate on there. What resources do we have any more? Beyond Facebook or a good old fashioned referral by a friend, you are best to “network” on foot and personally find something that works for you. This will be time consuming though. You must grasp that New York is sophisticated in every way possible, on a whole new level than what you may be used to. Even the insanity of New York is sophisticated. You have to be careful. The truth is that everything is done very quickly here. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “in a New York minute”, it’s not just a cute bluff. If/when you do find something, they will most likely ask you when you can move in, meaning that week. Most people are looking for someone immediately, who will pay up front. There are 25 people in line behind you ready to take your place. Some tenants will conduct a group interview and then select a few final candidates to choose from. They will insist they don't discriminate, but of course their decisions are bias based on personal compatibility. It’s like finding a job. If you can afford the luxury of living alone in Manhattan then that would probably mean you are somewhat well off. On average, a small studio apartment in a sketchy neighborhood in Manhattan (Washington Heights, Harlem, Inwood) runs at about $1000 per month. If you want a small studio in a decent neighborhood in Manhattan (Upper West Side, Upper East Side, Lower East Side), you’re looking at $1200 starting price, and that’s a deal! Now if you want to be fancy (Gramercy, Midtown, Soho, East Village, Chelsea, Tribeca, Greenwich Village), we’re talking about maybe $3000 per month and that's still a small studio. Fuggetaboutit. People talk about it because it truly is one of the most hyper expensive cities in the world. It seems like everybody wants to live here at one point or another. Think of it in terms of a population demographic alone. In 2008 the top cities were: NYC- 8,363,710, Los Angeles- 3,833,995, Chicago- 2,853,114 Houston- 2,242,193 and Phoenix- 1,567,924. Those have obviously grown over the past couple years, but as you can see there is no comparison. NYC is BY FAR the most densely populated city in the country. More people; more EVERYTHING. Not to mention that you will pay out the roof for a VERY SMALL space. People feel this is a compromise worth making in return for living in one of the greatest cities of all, with the world at your finger tips. It’s very ambitious to try and settle your roots here, without having any connections. However, most people here are from somewhere else. People do it, so it’s not impossible granted your will is strong. There are plenty of native New Yorkers scattered throughout the island, but many have set up shop in the outskirts of Manhattan. People do really well in Brooklyn and some parts of Queens, but certain neighborhoods can be just as pricey as Manhattan. Williamsburg & Park Slope, Brooklyn as well as Astoria or Sunnyside, Queens are popular picks for new comers. They are younger and more hip neighborhoods. You may have to move around a bit before you get situated. I don’t know what your plans for coming here are, but granted you plan to work; it would help if you had something lined up first. Find an organization to be a part of, like an improve troupe or cast (if you are in the arts). Otherwise, try to find a job of some sort beforehand. That way you might get direction from your future colleagues or cast mates. Be prepared to stress about money in ways you never did before, unless money is not an issue for you (which isn't for some New Yorkers). This is all part of the hard, cold, yet beautiful realities of our truly marvelous metropolis. New York is a living multicultural epicenter of the universe. You know what they say; it’s the city of dreams waiting to spit you out, or swallow you whole. You just have to find what works for you. I know people who came here on money they didn’t have and sold Broadway tickets in the streets to support themselves until they got settled. I also know people who practically had a loft apartment on Park Avenue handed to them on a silver platter fresh out of College. There are a lot resources here, and money, but there are also a lot of homeless people. It’s the extreme of everything. You have to play your cards right and be wise about it. The competition is stiff and if you like to compete you might come out on top, but there is an element of luck too. If you really want to be prepared, I would say to come and spend a sufficient amount of time here first. You can find a sublet or a hostel that allows you to pay by the week for your visit. This way you can explore, meet people, get comfortable, find work, etc. Every neighborhood has its own charm. You may feel the pressure of rushing this when you arrive, but try not to let it consume you. Everyone is on a mission. Establishing a new life in the Big Apple is not easily explained in one of my ranting paragraphs. I wish you luck. Don’t forget to breathe when you are your neck deep in the chaos. If you can make it here…
I want to move to NYC but I haven’t found an apartment. I don’t mind having a roommate if I have to, but I don’t know of anyone there. Everyone always tells me how it’s expensive, so I’m preparing to pay but I don’t know where to start. Please help!
-Dreaming of NYC
Dear Dreaming of NYC,
What a lovely dream to have. However, I sigh at the memory of what many of my friends and I have gone through. Apartment hunting in NYC is a hefty undertaking, resulting in paying a hefty price. Websites will direct you to other websites, where you can find listings for tenant seekers, but all of them are a mystery. Agencies will charge you outrageous fees. Craigslist is becoming notorious for its large volume of freaks, creeps, and perverts. Alert the media if you find someone legitimate on there. What resources do we have any more? Beyond Facebook or a good old fashioned referral by a friend, you are best to “network” on foot and personally find something that works for you. This will be time consuming though. You must grasp that New York is sophisticated in every way possible, on a whole new level than what you may be used to. Even the insanity of New York is sophisticated. You have to be careful. The truth is that everything is done very quickly here. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “in a New York minute”, it’s not just a cute bluff. If/when you do find something, they will most likely ask you when you can move in, meaning that week. Most people are looking for someone immediately, who will pay up front. There are 25 people in line behind you ready to take your place. Some tenants will conduct a group interview and then select a few final candidates to choose from. They will insist they don't discriminate, but of course their decisions are bias based on personal compatibility. It’s like finding a job. If you can afford the luxury of living alone in Manhattan then that would probably mean you are somewhat well off. On average, a small studio apartment in a sketchy neighborhood in Manhattan (Washington Heights, Harlem, Inwood) runs at about $1000 per month. If you want a small studio in a decent neighborhood in Manhattan (Upper West Side, Upper East Side, Lower East Side), you’re looking at $1200 starting price, and that’s a deal! Now if you want to be fancy (Gramercy, Midtown, Soho, East Village, Chelsea, Tribeca, Greenwich Village), we’re talking about maybe $3000 per month and that's still a small studio. Fuggetaboutit. People talk about it because it truly is one of the most hyper expensive cities in the world. It seems like everybody wants to live here at one point or another. Think of it in terms of a population demographic alone. In 2008 the top cities were: NYC- 8,363,710, Los Angeles- 3,833,995, Chicago- 2,853,114 Houston- 2,242,193 and Phoenix- 1,567,924. Those have obviously grown over the past couple years, but as you can see there is no comparison. NYC is BY FAR the most densely populated city in the country. More people; more EVERYTHING. Not to mention that you will pay out the roof for a VERY SMALL space. People feel this is a compromise worth making in return for living in one of the greatest cities of all, with the world at your finger tips. It’s very ambitious to try and settle your roots here, without having any connections. However, most people here are from somewhere else. People do it, so it’s not impossible granted your will is strong. There are plenty of native New Yorkers scattered throughout the island, but many have set up shop in the outskirts of Manhattan. People do really well in Brooklyn and some parts of Queens, but certain neighborhoods can be just as pricey as Manhattan. Williamsburg & Park Slope, Brooklyn as well as Astoria or Sunnyside, Queens are popular picks for new comers. They are younger and more hip neighborhoods. You may have to move around a bit before you get situated. I don’t know what your plans for coming here are, but granted you plan to work; it would help if you had something lined up first. Find an organization to be a part of, like an improve troupe or cast (if you are in the arts). Otherwise, try to find a job of some sort beforehand. That way you might get direction from your future colleagues or cast mates. Be prepared to stress about money in ways you never did before, unless money is not an issue for you (which isn't for some New Yorkers). This is all part of the hard, cold, yet beautiful realities of our truly marvelous metropolis. New York is a living multicultural epicenter of the universe. You know what they say; it’s the city of dreams waiting to spit you out, or swallow you whole. You just have to find what works for you. I know people who came here on money they didn’t have and sold Broadway tickets in the streets to support themselves until they got settled. I also know people who practically had a loft apartment on Park Avenue handed to them on a silver platter fresh out of College. There are a lot resources here, and money, but there are also a lot of homeless people. It’s the extreme of everything. You have to play your cards right and be wise about it. The competition is stiff and if you like to compete you might come out on top, but there is an element of luck too. If you really want to be prepared, I would say to come and spend a sufficient amount of time here first. You can find a sublet or a hostel that allows you to pay by the week for your visit. This way you can explore, meet people, get comfortable, find work, etc. Every neighborhood has its own charm. You may feel the pressure of rushing this when you arrive, but try not to let it consume you. Everyone is on a mission. Establishing a new life in the Big Apple is not easily explained in one of my ranting paragraphs. I wish you luck. Don’t forget to breathe when you are your neck deep in the chaos. If you can make it here…
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Endless Job Hunt
Dear Charlie,
I can’t find a job! I lost my job several months ago and have been out of work since. I’m in marketing but considered being a waitress to make ends meet. Every time I go to an interview, there are about 30 other candidates waiting in line, or even worse, it’s a group meeting. I’m so frustrated. I have been pursuing a job that I really want, but the interview process has continued on for 2 months now. I still don’t know if I’m hired or not. I don’t know what I’m going to do!
-Desperately Seeking Employment
Dear Desperately Seeking Employment,
People may feel that they are all in the same boat here, but the boat is small and running out of room! The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported this month that the current unemployment rate of household persons is up to 9.9 %! Some states have an unemployment rate as high as 9.6 (Michigan). In NY it’s up to 6.1 and most states fall somewhere in between, but this is serious and not to be taken lightly. Some feel it has become a global crisis, but this is definitely the most talked about issue in America to date. We are far from improvement too. Former Clinton Labor Secretary Robert Reich wrote “many outsourced jobs will never return, and median income will likely continue to fall as it did during the last so-called recovery.” CNBC reporter Rick Santelli states; “I'm assuming the economy is going to be mediocre for many years, three to five, meaning 2 percent to 3 percent growth is going to be good. If it gets better than that, I think interest rates will rush up much more aggressively in 2011.” Even teenagers are discovering there are no jobs to be found. Everyone is suffering right now (save for lifestyles of the lavishly unscathed). For working class people, this has become a rather desperate situation on a NATIONAL scale. People report that they’ve applied for hundreds of online jobs without even receiving a response, or “thank you for applying but…” Some have gone to great lengths, like Chris Adams in Sacramento, CA who stands on a street corner in a suit and tie with a sign that says “Hire me”. Another man became homeless after being laid off from an IT position 19 months ago at a major software company. He is able to live off of his frequent flier miles by budgeting $5 a day for food, and looking for hotels with free breakfasts. He must have traveled a lot to rack up those points! Census jobs had more competition than ever this year too, with everyone from the legal field to former medical staff in the running. As you can see, our current unemployment is like a bowl of soup that spilled in the fridge; pouring onto everything and now it's all soiled. How disastrous. An “economy” by Wiki definition is “the end result of a process that involves its technological evolution, history and social organization, as well as its geography, natural resource endowment, and ecology, as main factors.” It takes forever to build and when it crashes, you’ve got a real mess on your hands. Incapacitating unemployment is to follow. As for your personal situation, some employers are MAJORLY taking advantage of job hunters right now.. A friend of mine who was laid off also began pursuing a job which was stretched out for a couple months. After all she went through, she was finally given the “offer” to work the job for 2 weeks FOR FREE, before the company officially decided who was the best candidate! It’s unbelievable. It is not fair nor right, because you are at their mercy. You may decide that your dignity is more important than being a puppet on a string. Good for you! If you are at a breaking point, then I see no harm in straight forward questions; “I’m unclear whether I have been employed by you or not.” A boss that strings you along in an interview is also not going to be any fun to work for. You don’t know whether to continue your job search or end it, so they should be up front with you. I know, I know. You are probably following all the right steps to get hired, but there are quadruple the amount of applicants. One of my friends started making personalized greeting cards to try and charm prospective employers. She still hasn’t gotten any bites yet! People are finding they have to work extremely hard to stand out and get noticed in ways they never did before. People who always had job security before, are now experiencing the loss of financial stability. It’s scary when you are completely rattled by surprise unemployment topped with a national crisis. These cold realities are hard for Americans, but they build character. I think you are doing the absolute right thing by taking a waitress gig (if you can find one!). You do what you have to do when times are tough. That’s just it. I know it’s a shock that you find yourself in this situation, but life is not perfect the way we have been conditioned to believe it is. Our modern society has made life easy for us, but it is not flawless. After all, aren't we just creatures inhabiting a wild planet? This is a time for many Americans to reassess themselves. Maybe your life is leading you in another direction, on a large scale. I don’t think anyone has the answer to fix this problem, because it is bigger than you and me. Just keep trying to get creative and hopefully you will score. Don’t take any crap, but assert yourself politely. You can only do so much, and then you just pray! This too shall pass.
I can’t find a job! I lost my job several months ago and have been out of work since. I’m in marketing but considered being a waitress to make ends meet. Every time I go to an interview, there are about 30 other candidates waiting in line, or even worse, it’s a group meeting. I’m so frustrated. I have been pursuing a job that I really want, but the interview process has continued on for 2 months now. I still don’t know if I’m hired or not. I don’t know what I’m going to do!
-Desperately Seeking Employment
Dear Desperately Seeking Employment,
People may feel that they are all in the same boat here, but the boat is small and running out of room! The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported this month that the current unemployment rate of household persons is up to 9.9 %! Some states have an unemployment rate as high as 9.6 (Michigan). In NY it’s up to 6.1 and most states fall somewhere in between, but this is serious and not to be taken lightly. Some feel it has become a global crisis, but this is definitely the most talked about issue in America to date. We are far from improvement too. Former Clinton Labor Secretary Robert Reich wrote “many outsourced jobs will never return, and median income will likely continue to fall as it did during the last so-called recovery.” CNBC reporter Rick Santelli states; “I'm assuming the economy is going to be mediocre for many years, three to five, meaning 2 percent to 3 percent growth is going to be good. If it gets better than that, I think interest rates will rush up much more aggressively in 2011.” Even teenagers are discovering there are no jobs to be found. Everyone is suffering right now (save for lifestyles of the lavishly unscathed). For working class people, this has become a rather desperate situation on a NATIONAL scale. People report that they’ve applied for hundreds of online jobs without even receiving a response, or “thank you for applying but…” Some have gone to great lengths, like Chris Adams in Sacramento, CA who stands on a street corner in a suit and tie with a sign that says “Hire me”. Another man became homeless after being laid off from an IT position 19 months ago at a major software company. He is able to live off of his frequent flier miles by budgeting $5 a day for food, and looking for hotels with free breakfasts. He must have traveled a lot to rack up those points! Census jobs had more competition than ever this year too, with everyone from the legal field to former medical staff in the running. As you can see, our current unemployment is like a bowl of soup that spilled in the fridge; pouring onto everything and now it's all soiled. How disastrous. An “economy” by Wiki definition is “the end result of a process that involves its technological evolution, history and social organization, as well as its geography, natural resource endowment, and ecology, as main factors.” It takes forever to build and when it crashes, you’ve got a real mess on your hands. Incapacitating unemployment is to follow. As for your personal situation, some employers are MAJORLY taking advantage of job hunters right now.. A friend of mine who was laid off also began pursuing a job which was stretched out for a couple months. After all she went through, she was finally given the “offer” to work the job for 2 weeks FOR FREE, before the company officially decided who was the best candidate! It’s unbelievable. It is not fair nor right, because you are at their mercy. You may decide that your dignity is more important than being a puppet on a string. Good for you! If you are at a breaking point, then I see no harm in straight forward questions; “I’m unclear whether I have been employed by you or not.” A boss that strings you along in an interview is also not going to be any fun to work for. You don’t know whether to continue your job search or end it, so they should be up front with you. I know, I know. You are probably following all the right steps to get hired, but there are quadruple the amount of applicants. One of my friends started making personalized greeting cards to try and charm prospective employers. She still hasn’t gotten any bites yet! People are finding they have to work extremely hard to stand out and get noticed in ways they never did before. People who always had job security before, are now experiencing the loss of financial stability. It’s scary when you are completely rattled by surprise unemployment topped with a national crisis. These cold realities are hard for Americans, but they build character. I think you are doing the absolute right thing by taking a waitress gig (if you can find one!). You do what you have to do when times are tough. That’s just it. I know it’s a shock that you find yourself in this situation, but life is not perfect the way we have been conditioned to believe it is. Our modern society has made life easy for us, but it is not flawless. After all, aren't we just creatures inhabiting a wild planet? This is a time for many Americans to reassess themselves. Maybe your life is leading you in another direction, on a large scale. I don’t think anyone has the answer to fix this problem, because it is bigger than you and me. Just keep trying to get creative and hopefully you will score. Don’t take any crap, but assert yourself politely. You can only do so much, and then you just pray! This too shall pass.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Adult Sibling Rivalry
Dear Charlie,
My mom and I have always been close. I have 3 older sisters whom I’m not close with, but this doesn’t affect my bond with my mom. We talk all the time. Lately my mom has been pressing the issue of a family gathering. My older sisters and I have always been very different and don’t really get along. I usually excuse myself from visiting any of them because I live in a different state and my job doesn’t allow me a lot of vacation time. The problem is that my mom really wants us to all get together. I really don’t like being around my older sisters because of how they make me feel, but I want to please my mother. I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.
-Momma’s Girl
Dear Momma’s Girl,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you should allow yourself to keep avoiding them and bypassing all family events.
B) Maybe you were thinking “why couldn’t I have brothers”?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that it’s your right to talk to your family about how they make you feel.
D) I don’t think you are in denial about anything here… except that your sisters don’t respect you.
E) Maybe you weren’t aware that as an adult, you’re entitled to voice yourself to your sisters if they’re treating you poorly, because you deserve respect whether they like it or not.
It’s sweet of you be so considerate of their feelings, but ask yourself why? They apparently don’t worry about how they make you feel. Adult sibling rivalry is a drag. Sometimes the baby in the family has it easy because they tend to get special treatment and the older siblings take on a protective role, but not in your case. It would be big of you to put your feelings aside for your mom’s sake, because eventually there will be a wedding or baby shower (if there hasn’t been already), or God forbid a funeral. You will inevitably be stuck in the same room together at some point. When we are around family, we tend to regress because of our childhood history. The fact that you and your mom are so close perhaps makes them feel jealous that you are the favorite. This is a common issue that exists on different levels. An abundance of estrogen can be a good or bad thing in families. Not everyone is like Little Women. That’s not to say the dynamics would be any different if you had brothers instead. Perhaps there are some blame games and competition going on among them. You should accept that you can’t turn to your sisters for support, because you are most not likely going to get any. Come to terms with this fact and look for support elsewhere. Not everyone has a supportive family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, doing more damage than good, which is unfortunate. You have to work with what you have, but only to an extent. What you DON’T have to do, is keep taking people’s abusive treatment. Don’t allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Stop them by asserting yourself when it happens, and flat out explaining why you avoid family gatherings. You have every right to tell them why you’ve chosen not to see them regularly. They will either accept it, or pile on the hill of stones they are ready to throw at you. You are all adults now, so they are responsible for behaving as such. Some people want to use their younger sibling as a whipping post for the rest of eternity, but that’s not your job. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Throw the “blood is thicker than water” reasoning right out the window because it doesn’t always apply. Blood is thicker in many cases, but in some cases water is a cleaner option. Some families are horrible to each other. Try to work with it in an adult fashion, without taking their comments too personally. Based on how bad you have it, I would say to weigh out the situation as something workable or unhealthy. You may find them ridiculous and unable to break old habits, in which case you must practice some empowerment and cut the cord. It doesn’t sound like something you want to do, but some people have to demand respect in their families or walk away. You don’t have to answer to them. This could be a healthy option for you if you fell they are very emotionally abusive. You don’t need to carry that kind of weight around in your life. A major study done in the 90s, showed that 1/3 of the adult population described their sibling relations as distant rivalry. Your family is supposed to support you, not hurt you. Some siblings are just frozen in old habits and sometimes it’s just a loss cause. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but it is what it is. We are all just people in a crazy world any ways. Life is hard enough. I say voice yourself and be heard loud and clear. If you are disappointed by their response, move on from their burden. I also think you have valid excuses however to be missing these events, which adults should understand. Yes, family should be made a priority, but perhaps THEY are in denial about the reality of this sh!tty situation, and how little they respect you. One day you can build your own family.
My mom and I have always been close. I have 3 older sisters whom I’m not close with, but this doesn’t affect my bond with my mom. We talk all the time. Lately my mom has been pressing the issue of a family gathering. My older sisters and I have always been very different and don’t really get along. I usually excuse myself from visiting any of them because I live in a different state and my job doesn’t allow me a lot of vacation time. The problem is that my mom really wants us to all get together. I really don’t like being around my older sisters because of how they make me feel, but I want to please my mother. I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.
-Momma’s Girl
Dear Momma’s Girl,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you should allow yourself to keep avoiding them and bypassing all family events.
B) Maybe you were thinking “why couldn’t I have brothers”?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that it’s your right to talk to your family about how they make you feel.
D) I don’t think you are in denial about anything here… except that your sisters don’t respect you.
E) Maybe you weren’t aware that as an adult, you’re entitled to voice yourself to your sisters if they’re treating you poorly, because you deserve respect whether they like it or not.
It’s sweet of you be so considerate of their feelings, but ask yourself why? They apparently don’t worry about how they make you feel. Adult sibling rivalry is a drag. Sometimes the baby in the family has it easy because they tend to get special treatment and the older siblings take on a protective role, but not in your case. It would be big of you to put your feelings aside for your mom’s sake, because eventually there will be a wedding or baby shower (if there hasn’t been already), or God forbid a funeral. You will inevitably be stuck in the same room together at some point. When we are around family, we tend to regress because of our childhood history. The fact that you and your mom are so close perhaps makes them feel jealous that you are the favorite. This is a common issue that exists on different levels. An abundance of estrogen can be a good or bad thing in families. Not everyone is like Little Women. That’s not to say the dynamics would be any different if you had brothers instead. Perhaps there are some blame games and competition going on among them. You should accept that you can’t turn to your sisters for support, because you are most not likely going to get any. Come to terms with this fact and look for support elsewhere. Not everyone has a supportive family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, doing more damage than good, which is unfortunate. You have to work with what you have, but only to an extent. What you DON’T have to do, is keep taking people’s abusive treatment. Don’t allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Stop them by asserting yourself when it happens, and flat out explaining why you avoid family gatherings. You have every right to tell them why you’ve chosen not to see them regularly. They will either accept it, or pile on the hill of stones they are ready to throw at you. You are all adults now, so they are responsible for behaving as such. Some people want to use their younger sibling as a whipping post for the rest of eternity, but that’s not your job. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Throw the “blood is thicker than water” reasoning right out the window because it doesn’t always apply. Blood is thicker in many cases, but in some cases water is a cleaner option. Some families are horrible to each other. Try to work with it in an adult fashion, without taking their comments too personally. Based on how bad you have it, I would say to weigh out the situation as something workable or unhealthy. You may find them ridiculous and unable to break old habits, in which case you must practice some empowerment and cut the cord. It doesn’t sound like something you want to do, but some people have to demand respect in their families or walk away. You don’t have to answer to them. This could be a healthy option for you if you fell they are very emotionally abusive. You don’t need to carry that kind of weight around in your life. A major study done in the 90s, showed that 1/3 of the adult population described their sibling relations as distant rivalry. Your family is supposed to support you, not hurt you. Some siblings are just frozen in old habits and sometimes it’s just a loss cause. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but it is what it is. We are all just people in a crazy world any ways. Life is hard enough. I say voice yourself and be heard loud and clear. If you are disappointed by their response, move on from their burden. I also think you have valid excuses however to be missing these events, which adults should understand. Yes, family should be made a priority, but perhaps THEY are in denial about the reality of this sh!tty situation, and how little they respect you. One day you can build your own family.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Eating Stress Away
Dear Charlie,
I have a very stressful job. I feel like I’m working all the time but I have to pay my bills. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to support myself living alone in this beautiful apartment, which is very nice. I feel like I can’t afford the time to enjoy the things that I work so hard to pay for. I'm always stressed out. I exercise, but I find that when things get really stressful, I tend to eat. I can’t help it. I find myself curled up on the couch with ice cream, chips, popcorn or cookies most nights. I didn’t used to be like this, but now I’m gaining weight from it. I just keep eating. I don’t know how to stop. I am miserable.
-Stress Eater
Dear Stress Eater,
“All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy” x 1,000,000 -Jack Nicholson, The Shining. Given the fact that you are probably not mentally ill, neither being possessed by a homicidal ghost, nor living in an abandoned Hotel in the Mountains, you will probably never amount to such extreme levels of insanity. I do think that you need some balance in your life though, or you will go nutty. You admitted it; you eat your way through stress. Research binge eating. There's plenty of information and support out there for you. Comfort food cravings are increased with stress. Eating sugary carbs elevates more sugary carb cravings. Welcome to one of the most common weight gain issues of the century. If you’re going to be impulsive about something, it would behoove you to condition yourself to like something healthy and productive for your body. There's this song and dance; when you exercise, you release positive endorphins in your body (which is like taking a shot of happiness). Why not turn this into a 2 for 1 deal? Food is not the enemy, but it effects your physical appearance. You must replace this habit with a hobby, and preferably an active one. Give yourself rewards for being "good", but learn to like healthier options. If you insist on being lazy, then simply make the adjustment of closing the kitchen at 7PM and only eating bad early in the day. An “everything in moderation” axiom must be put into effect. Maybe you can start walking those cravings away? Buy a bike? Journalize? Clean? Paint? Do improv.? Help someone in need? Different kinds of yoga are famous for helping people feel centered. Music has healing powers too. It sounds like you have some depression going on, whether it’s something you are prone to, clinical, or just episodic. Some people go on meds, other people want nothing to do with them. Some depression is just situational and goes away when things change or get better. Other times it’s more serious. Not everyone can afford therapy nor wants it. It’s hard to dig yourself out of a rut, but by empowering yourself, you will feel your mood lifted. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out online for support. It’s unfortunate when your personal life lacks that, but it’s a reality for many. Not everyone is a social butterfly by nature and not everyone has a rock star support system to turn to. Here’s a thought; activities can lead to friends. Friends offer support. Who knows the possibilities therein… The stress vs. depression and comfort eating is a cycle I have battled with myself. Believe me; I am with you on this challenge. I used to eat chocolate whenever I was stressed. That adds up over time, and I became more “round”. I eventually didn’t know whose caboose that was in the mirror. It didn’t look like mine. I had to condition myself to enjoy taking walks instead. I had to retrain myself not to eat when I wasn’t hungry, and when I was, to eat for nutrition. Sometimes you don’t want to leave your apartment because you just want to be alone, but you can go for a walk without engaging people. Get lost in your own solitude and tune everyone out. Be in your own little world. It’s fun and it’s your right. It can be very therapeutic to spend alone time somewhere tranquil. If you’re in NYC, there’s not a lot of space like that beyond Central Park, but you should seek nature one way or another. That’s something people who live in really big cities can become deprived of. I believe that’s one thing that makes some New Yorkers absolutely miserable. We need nature and we should seek it from time to time. Last but not least, you may want to step back and re-evaluate your ideals. Is it more important to have nice things and pay a fortune for luxuries you can never afford the time to use? Or would you maybe be happier with a down sized apartment, less demanding job, more hobbies, and a personal life (maybe even a reasonable roommate too)? The choice is yours… what is life about anyways?
I have a very stressful job. I feel like I’m working all the time but I have to pay my bills. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to support myself living alone in this beautiful apartment, which is very nice. I feel like I can’t afford the time to enjoy the things that I work so hard to pay for. I'm always stressed out. I exercise, but I find that when things get really stressful, I tend to eat. I can’t help it. I find myself curled up on the couch with ice cream, chips, popcorn or cookies most nights. I didn’t used to be like this, but now I’m gaining weight from it. I just keep eating. I don’t know how to stop. I am miserable.
-Stress Eater
Dear Stress Eater,
“All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy” x 1,000,000 -Jack Nicholson, The Shining. Given the fact that you are probably not mentally ill, neither being possessed by a homicidal ghost, nor living in an abandoned Hotel in the Mountains, you will probably never amount to such extreme levels of insanity. I do think that you need some balance in your life though, or you will go nutty. You admitted it; you eat your way through stress. Research binge eating. There's plenty of information and support out there for you. Comfort food cravings are increased with stress. Eating sugary carbs elevates more sugary carb cravings. Welcome to one of the most common weight gain issues of the century. If you’re going to be impulsive about something, it would behoove you to condition yourself to like something healthy and productive for your body. There's this song and dance; when you exercise, you release positive endorphins in your body (which is like taking a shot of happiness). Why not turn this into a 2 for 1 deal? Food is not the enemy, but it effects your physical appearance. You must replace this habit with a hobby, and preferably an active one. Give yourself rewards for being "good", but learn to like healthier options. If you insist on being lazy, then simply make the adjustment of closing the kitchen at 7PM and only eating bad early in the day. An “everything in moderation” axiom must be put into effect. Maybe you can start walking those cravings away? Buy a bike? Journalize? Clean? Paint? Do improv.? Help someone in need? Different kinds of yoga are famous for helping people feel centered. Music has healing powers too. It sounds like you have some depression going on, whether it’s something you are prone to, clinical, or just episodic. Some people go on meds, other people want nothing to do with them. Some depression is just situational and goes away when things change or get better. Other times it’s more serious. Not everyone can afford therapy nor wants it. It’s hard to dig yourself out of a rut, but by empowering yourself, you will feel your mood lifted. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out online for support. It’s unfortunate when your personal life lacks that, but it’s a reality for many. Not everyone is a social butterfly by nature and not everyone has a rock star support system to turn to. Here’s a thought; activities can lead to friends. Friends offer support. Who knows the possibilities therein… The stress vs. depression and comfort eating is a cycle I have battled with myself. Believe me; I am with you on this challenge. I used to eat chocolate whenever I was stressed. That adds up over time, and I became more “round”. I eventually didn’t know whose caboose that was in the mirror. It didn’t look like mine. I had to condition myself to enjoy taking walks instead. I had to retrain myself not to eat when I wasn’t hungry, and when I was, to eat for nutrition. Sometimes you don’t want to leave your apartment because you just want to be alone, but you can go for a walk without engaging people. Get lost in your own solitude and tune everyone out. Be in your own little world. It’s fun and it’s your right. It can be very therapeutic to spend alone time somewhere tranquil. If you’re in NYC, there’s not a lot of space like that beyond Central Park, but you should seek nature one way or another. That’s something people who live in really big cities can become deprived of. I believe that’s one thing that makes some New Yorkers absolutely miserable. We need nature and we should seek it from time to time. Last but not least, you may want to step back and re-evaluate your ideals. Is it more important to have nice things and pay a fortune for luxuries you can never afford the time to use? Or would you maybe be happier with a down sized apartment, less demanding job, more hobbies, and a personal life (maybe even a reasonable roommate too)? The choice is yours… what is life about anyways?
Traveling Boyfriend
Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
"I'm in Love with my Friend"
Dear Charlie,
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love
Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love
Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )
Boyfriend's Paris Hilton Crush
Dear Charlie,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met in college. He makes me happy and we love each other. I have had no complaints, until a couple days ago when he said something that I can’t stop thinking about. To my friends it’s not a big deal, but something about it really bothers me. We were playing a game and I asked him what female celebrity he found most attractive. His celebrity crush was Paris Hilton. I know my boyfriend to be a deep and substantial guy, and I would hope that’s why he’s attracted to me. Now I’m wondering if I’m with the wrong person, or if I even know him at all? Paris is everything I don’t want to be associated with. The fact that he said this is a big deal to me. It’s making me question our relationship altogether. Am I over reacting?
-No Love for Paris
Dear No Love for Paris,
Did you tell him "wrong answer"? I think your reaction is natural. As an intelligent and inquisitive young woman, you neither appreciate nor respect his answer. Not to mock your situation because I completely understand, but this is hilarious because I actually know a lot of women who would also find it irking. I think if we were to take an anonymous poll across the nation, there would be an abundant female response in your favor. I don’t think the mass majority of women want to hear this fall from their lover’s lips, any more than men want to hear sexy pool boy references. It’s annoying. Your boyfriend has expressed approval of someone you loath. Paris is like a corporation that sells sex appeal, which your boyfriend has apparently bought into. How dare he!? You are so much smarter than him and would never fall prey to such cheap ploys. This got under your skin and now you are unable to shake it off. I believe this was a relationship pivotal moment for you. Furthermore, you feel this might be a deal breaker in your book. If you really feel like this is one of those issues that change everything, then maybe it is. I hear you loud and clear, and feel you have a valid concern. However, there are some things to consider. Paris is mostly popular among men for a reason. Paris is “sexy” and that is her talent. Unfortunately sexiness is considered a talent in some lands, including America. What one person thinks is sexy, another person frowns on. You are not on the same page with your opinions of this particular person. Different strokes for different folks, but some women have values that are extremely important to them, in which they are hoping will be compatible with a mate. Paris is not respectable to you so you are not eye to eye on this, just like you wouldn’t be eye to eye on what store to go clothes shopping in. This is called battle of the sexes. Men tend to be very visual creatures and I don’t believe he meant he is attracted to her personality, I think he simply responded on looks. He doesn’t know the “real” Paris Hilton. Very few people do. At some point we realize that no one is perfect, and if we were to be this demanding and hard on every prospect that comes our way, we will probably remain single for eternity. You should ask him to elaborate. What does he see when he looks at her? What does he like about her besides her looks? There are many questions to follow the one you asked. If he doesn’t have anything to say beyond commenting on her looks, then it’s safe to say he was just thinking about looks. If he were to sit down and try to have a conversation with her, he would probably find himself unengaged. However, if you suddenly make the discovery that he doesn’t care about conversation and only values a woman’s looks, then he is contradicting himself and has been very lucky to find someone like you (who is the complete package). Consider yourself beautiful and smart. If he becomes turned off by the conversation and doesn’t want to talk about it, then you are best to drop it and pick it up again later in another way. Get creative with that. You are on a quest for information. Maybe ask him over dinner what he values most in a woman, so you can be sure he appreciates you, but he probably does. I understand that you feel personally insulted by this, but I wouldn’t take his dumb statement too much to heart. You feel like “how can he like me if he likes her?” You are so different from her, but she has a beauty in her own way that is different from yours. I’m sure other men notice you too. It’s natural for people to be attracted to something attractive. Maybe you do not find her attractive, but it’s most likely you are annoyed by the act she puts on. Look, you can like a Salvador Dali painting, as well as a Gustave Courbet, even though they are nothing alike. One is surrealist, and the other is realist. Some people just like a variety. Some people are versatile. That’s not a bad trait. I know you want to feel special to your boyfriend, rather than just being in the category of beautiful women in general, so it will be his job to now celebrate you personally. You don’t feel special so he needs to win you back over, but I’m not sure he’s even aware of that. Tell him? No one is going to fit our exact mold. Most people have secret thoughts and qualms they are better off keeping to themselves, because we would not appreciate or support them. This is an issue of which you are just not on the same page. You thought of your boyfriend as substantial and deep, and now you are worried that it’s all an act or something. You must know that he is these things or he wouldn’t be with you. The fact that he is dating you and loves you, proves that he is substantial or else he wouldn’t be able to connect with you or appreciate you the way he does. I don’t think your boyfriend honestly thought about what he was saying before he said it, but now he’s in the hot pot unawares. Here’s a question; what is more important to you? Is it more important that you find a man who is unfazed by the prowess of female sexuality? Or is it more important that you are with someone you really love, who might carry the flaw of being attracted to the opposite sex? I understand that you might feel his saying this as an attack on your character in some way. Maybe this is the beginning of a deeper problem that will unfold over time, but you have to get to know him better. Honestly, Paris is a symbol of expensive-cheap sex. Her publicized sexuality is so appealing to the general public, that she is recognized for it universally. That being said, your boyfriend is not weird or unusual for noticing her like everyone else, since she has splashed herself all over the media. Yes, it is completely annoying that he would buy into someone so lacking in intellectual sophistication. He should have known that this was not the answer his girlfriend wanted to hear, whether it was true for him or not. His bone head answer resulted in your disgusted “just shoot me” retraction. It’s unlikely he will ever meet her or have the chance to have an affair with her. If he does get that chance though (like so many others), then hopefully he will practice loyalty to you. If you happen to wake up one day to find that your boyfriend has become one of many to run off with Miss Hilton, than you can kiss his shallow caboose good bye and live to tell the outrageous story. I don’t think you have anything to worry about though. What he said was dumb and annoying to most girls (save for those who also aspire to be living Barbies), but you are free to be attracted to as many living Ken dolls as you want too. Take that! If you’re feeling sassy, maybe you can buy him a poster with her on it and hang it in his room. Or better yet, buy yourself a poster featuring the ripped abs of someone you know will bug him. Tee hee hee
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met in college. He makes me happy and we love each other. I have had no complaints, until a couple days ago when he said something that I can’t stop thinking about. To my friends it’s not a big deal, but something about it really bothers me. We were playing a game and I asked him what female celebrity he found most attractive. His celebrity crush was Paris Hilton. I know my boyfriend to be a deep and substantial guy, and I would hope that’s why he’s attracted to me. Now I’m wondering if I’m with the wrong person, or if I even know him at all? Paris is everything I don’t want to be associated with. The fact that he said this is a big deal to me. It’s making me question our relationship altogether. Am I over reacting?
-No Love for Paris
Dear No Love for Paris,
Did you tell him "wrong answer"? I think your reaction is natural. As an intelligent and inquisitive young woman, you neither appreciate nor respect his answer. Not to mock your situation because I completely understand, but this is hilarious because I actually know a lot of women who would also find it irking. I think if we were to take an anonymous poll across the nation, there would be an abundant female response in your favor. I don’t think the mass majority of women want to hear this fall from their lover’s lips, any more than men want to hear sexy pool boy references. It’s annoying. Your boyfriend has expressed approval of someone you loath. Paris is like a corporation that sells sex appeal, which your boyfriend has apparently bought into. How dare he!? You are so much smarter than him and would never fall prey to such cheap ploys. This got under your skin and now you are unable to shake it off. I believe this was a relationship pivotal moment for you. Furthermore, you feel this might be a deal breaker in your book. If you really feel like this is one of those issues that change everything, then maybe it is. I hear you loud and clear, and feel you have a valid concern. However, there are some things to consider. Paris is mostly popular among men for a reason. Paris is “sexy” and that is her talent. Unfortunately sexiness is considered a talent in some lands, including America. What one person thinks is sexy, another person frowns on. You are not on the same page with your opinions of this particular person. Different strokes for different folks, but some women have values that are extremely important to them, in which they are hoping will be compatible with a mate. Paris is not respectable to you so you are not eye to eye on this, just like you wouldn’t be eye to eye on what store to go clothes shopping in. This is called battle of the sexes. Men tend to be very visual creatures and I don’t believe he meant he is attracted to her personality, I think he simply responded on looks. He doesn’t know the “real” Paris Hilton. Very few people do. At some point we realize that no one is perfect, and if we were to be this demanding and hard on every prospect that comes our way, we will probably remain single for eternity. You should ask him to elaborate. What does he see when he looks at her? What does he like about her besides her looks? There are many questions to follow the one you asked. If he doesn’t have anything to say beyond commenting on her looks, then it’s safe to say he was just thinking about looks. If he were to sit down and try to have a conversation with her, he would probably find himself unengaged. However, if you suddenly make the discovery that he doesn’t care about conversation and only values a woman’s looks, then he is contradicting himself and has been very lucky to find someone like you (who is the complete package). Consider yourself beautiful and smart. If he becomes turned off by the conversation and doesn’t want to talk about it, then you are best to drop it and pick it up again later in another way. Get creative with that. You are on a quest for information. Maybe ask him over dinner what he values most in a woman, so you can be sure he appreciates you, but he probably does. I understand that you feel personally insulted by this, but I wouldn’t take his dumb statement too much to heart. You feel like “how can he like me if he likes her?” You are so different from her, but she has a beauty in her own way that is different from yours. I’m sure other men notice you too. It’s natural for people to be attracted to something attractive. Maybe you do not find her attractive, but it’s most likely you are annoyed by the act she puts on. Look, you can like a Salvador Dali painting, as well as a Gustave Courbet, even though they are nothing alike. One is surrealist, and the other is realist. Some people just like a variety. Some people are versatile. That’s not a bad trait. I know you want to feel special to your boyfriend, rather than just being in the category of beautiful women in general, so it will be his job to now celebrate you personally. You don’t feel special so he needs to win you back over, but I’m not sure he’s even aware of that. Tell him? No one is going to fit our exact mold. Most people have secret thoughts and qualms they are better off keeping to themselves, because we would not appreciate or support them. This is an issue of which you are just not on the same page. You thought of your boyfriend as substantial and deep, and now you are worried that it’s all an act or something. You must know that he is these things or he wouldn’t be with you. The fact that he is dating you and loves you, proves that he is substantial or else he wouldn’t be able to connect with you or appreciate you the way he does. I don’t think your boyfriend honestly thought about what he was saying before he said it, but now he’s in the hot pot unawares. Here’s a question; what is more important to you? Is it more important that you find a man who is unfazed by the prowess of female sexuality? Or is it more important that you are with someone you really love, who might carry the flaw of being attracted to the opposite sex? I understand that you might feel his saying this as an attack on your character in some way. Maybe this is the beginning of a deeper problem that will unfold over time, but you have to get to know him better. Honestly, Paris is a symbol of expensive-cheap sex. Her publicized sexuality is so appealing to the general public, that she is recognized for it universally. That being said, your boyfriend is not weird or unusual for noticing her like everyone else, since she has splashed herself all over the media. Yes, it is completely annoying that he would buy into someone so lacking in intellectual sophistication. He should have known that this was not the answer his girlfriend wanted to hear, whether it was true for him or not. His bone head answer resulted in your disgusted “just shoot me” retraction. It’s unlikely he will ever meet her or have the chance to have an affair with her. If he does get that chance though (like so many others), then hopefully he will practice loyalty to you. If you happen to wake up one day to find that your boyfriend has become one of many to run off with Miss Hilton, than you can kiss his shallow caboose good bye and live to tell the outrageous story. I don’t think you have anything to worry about though. What he said was dumb and annoying to most girls (save for those who also aspire to be living Barbies), but you are free to be attracted to as many living Ken dolls as you want too. Take that! If you’re feeling sassy, maybe you can buy him a poster with her on it and hang it in his room. Or better yet, buy yourself a poster featuring the ripped abs of someone you know will bug him. Tee hee hee
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Boyfriend is Friends with his X
Dear Charlie,
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend
Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Husband Flirts with Co-worker
Dear Charlie,
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky
Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Not Invited to Roommate's Wedding
Dear Charlie,
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited
Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited
Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.
X-High School Lover
Dear Charlie,
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him
Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him
Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.
Noisy Neighbor
Dear Charlie,
I just moved into a new apartment. I really like it here. I have not lived in an apartment as nice and big as this before. I chose this location because it’s quiet. I’m from the suburbs and am used to quiet nights, but I wanted to experience city life. I have just discovered that my neighbor across the hall likes to keep late hours. This means she blasts her music and it goes on til the wee hours of the morning. I am so annoyed because I find it rude. I don’t know how to handle this problem without making things weird between me and her, when I haven’t even introduced myself yet. How should I approach this?
-Noisy Nights
Dear Noisy Nights,
Ah the good old selfish prick neighbor. Welcome to city life. This is a classic case of which most people can relate. There is strength in numbers here but it’s best to shop all your options. I’d say if you’re down right dirty, feel free to call the cops on her without warning and laugh as she gets busted. However, if you live in a really big city, they may not ever show up because they have way more serious priorities to tend to over a mere noise complaint. This tactic could also backfire on you regarding how many neighbors you have, because she may figure out who is responsible for ratting her out. You don't want this to turn into an ongoing vengeful battle reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men. Who knows who you are dealing with?! She could have a substance abuse problem for all you know, which isn't entirely unlikely. If you live in a big building, who cares if you have to tell her to shutup because you have to sleep, and that may be more important to you than making friends or seeking neighborly approval, which she can obviously relate to. Sometimes it’s best to nip this one in the butt. If you live in a smaller building, that could make things uncomfortable, but you may not run into her often and you don't owe her anything just because you live nearby. Look, she's not being "nice" by worrying about your feelings, so why should you waste your time worrying about hers? Don’t be afraid to confront her head-on, because if you don't take action, you're the one who is going to suffer. Meanwhile she is having a grand old time at your expense, doing whatever it is she can't refrain from doing during hours when most human beings function. Everyone likes to cut loose once in a while, but people who cling to it on a nightly basis tend to be unbalanced individuals. You don’t have time for this and she should know better. She might pretend she didn't realize how loud it was, and play the victim, but that's when you will know the extent of her character. Use it to your advantage. Like I said, you never know who you are dealing with. In an extreme case, she could end up being completely disrespectful and slam the door on your face, in which case, you will adjust your decision. But... she could just be a fun girl who often makes foolish mistakes (like the rest of us), in which case, you just made a new friend. Keep in mind that you are not obligated to be friends just because you inhabit the same building and this is ultimately an invasion of your privacy. Maybe you could rally with the others and share your frustration, and collectively assert her on the matter in some way. A letter in the lobby? Under her door? On her mailbox? Or a group visit! Ha! You do not have to get involved with her just because you complained about her noisiness. You may want to put in a call to your landlord but who knows how much they will care either. In NYC, the apartment vacancy turn-over rate is so high, most people keep to themselves and don’t even bother to get involved with neighbors unless they are really grounded and settled. Many people avoid neighboring inhabitants. If you don’t mind being assertive, go to her damn door, knock on it in your pajamas (making sure to look extra frazzled and disrupted) so she can clearly see you are trying to sleep, and ask her politely to turn it down. If you play the sympathy card, she may respond positively; "I always wished I was cool enough to be a nocturnal person, but it's not for me". If this is not a continuous habit of hers however, and only seems to occur on weekends, then maybe you can invest in some comfortable ear plugs and accept the fact that big cities are noisy and you have no control over it. If you’re feeling a little saucy, I might be tempted to write a note on her door asking her to let you know when she plans to actually sleep or have “quiet time” so that you can make sure to blast your music then. You might want to mention that you go to a Club when you want to feel the gyration of music, not to your home. However, if you are a courteous person who prefers more reasonable and tasteful tactics, you might want to simply tell her via note (since you never know when you’re going to run into this person), that you would appreciate her keeping her music down because your job requires you to be an early riser. A reasonable person will understand, be willing to work with you, and adjust themselves. If she ignores your efforts to "make nice", then you can't work with her and refer to nastier options above... or just tell that b*tch to check herself! Just kidding. Don't jump to conclusions though if you don't get a response. If you're lucky, she might just feel stupid. It would be ideal if we could all cohabit Earth peacefully, but that's not reality. Not every living situation is ideal but just be grateful you don’t have her as a roommate. It could always be a lot worse. Reading up on other people's roommate horror stories can be comforting too. There are plenty out there. Delight in the fact that once you shut your door, your space is yours and yours alone. That’s a luxury many people can’t even afford so you might want to focus on that. Either way, whatever you decide to do, it's probably just to make yourself feel better because a person who bumps their music late night like that, is usually aware of it and just being selfish or cocky. Good luck and don’t forget that two can play that game...
I just moved into a new apartment. I really like it here. I have not lived in an apartment as nice and big as this before. I chose this location because it’s quiet. I’m from the suburbs and am used to quiet nights, but I wanted to experience city life. I have just discovered that my neighbor across the hall likes to keep late hours. This means she blasts her music and it goes on til the wee hours of the morning. I am so annoyed because I find it rude. I don’t know how to handle this problem without making things weird between me and her, when I haven’t even introduced myself yet. How should I approach this?
-Noisy Nights
Dear Noisy Nights,
Ah the good old selfish prick neighbor. Welcome to city life. This is a classic case of which most people can relate. There is strength in numbers here but it’s best to shop all your options. I’d say if you’re down right dirty, feel free to call the cops on her without warning and laugh as she gets busted. However, if you live in a really big city, they may not ever show up because they have way more serious priorities to tend to over a mere noise complaint. This tactic could also backfire on you regarding how many neighbors you have, because she may figure out who is responsible for ratting her out. You don't want this to turn into an ongoing vengeful battle reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men. Who knows who you are dealing with?! She could have a substance abuse problem for all you know, which isn't entirely unlikely. If you live in a big building, who cares if you have to tell her to shutup because you have to sleep, and that may be more important to you than making friends or seeking neighborly approval, which she can obviously relate to. Sometimes it’s best to nip this one in the butt. If you live in a smaller building, that could make things uncomfortable, but you may not run into her often and you don't owe her anything just because you live nearby. Look, she's not being "nice" by worrying about your feelings, so why should you waste your time worrying about hers? Don’t be afraid to confront her head-on, because if you don't take action, you're the one who is going to suffer. Meanwhile she is having a grand old time at your expense, doing whatever it is she can't refrain from doing during hours when most human beings function. Everyone likes to cut loose once in a while, but people who cling to it on a nightly basis tend to be unbalanced individuals. You don’t have time for this and she should know better. She might pretend she didn't realize how loud it was, and play the victim, but that's when you will know the extent of her character. Use it to your advantage. Like I said, you never know who you are dealing with. In an extreme case, she could end up being completely disrespectful and slam the door on your face, in which case, you will adjust your decision. But... she could just be a fun girl who often makes foolish mistakes (like the rest of us), in which case, you just made a new friend. Keep in mind that you are not obligated to be friends just because you inhabit the same building and this is ultimately an invasion of your privacy. Maybe you could rally with the others and share your frustration, and collectively assert her on the matter in some way. A letter in the lobby? Under her door? On her mailbox? Or a group visit! Ha! You do not have to get involved with her just because you complained about her noisiness. You may want to put in a call to your landlord but who knows how much they will care either. In NYC, the apartment vacancy turn-over rate is so high, most people keep to themselves and don’t even bother to get involved with neighbors unless they are really grounded and settled. Many people avoid neighboring inhabitants. If you don’t mind being assertive, go to her damn door, knock on it in your pajamas (making sure to look extra frazzled and disrupted) so she can clearly see you are trying to sleep, and ask her politely to turn it down. If you play the sympathy card, she may respond positively; "I always wished I was cool enough to be a nocturnal person, but it's not for me". If this is not a continuous habit of hers however, and only seems to occur on weekends, then maybe you can invest in some comfortable ear plugs and accept the fact that big cities are noisy and you have no control over it. If you’re feeling a little saucy, I might be tempted to write a note on her door asking her to let you know when she plans to actually sleep or have “quiet time” so that you can make sure to blast your music then. You might want to mention that you go to a Club when you want to feel the gyration of music, not to your home. However, if you are a courteous person who prefers more reasonable and tasteful tactics, you might want to simply tell her via note (since you never know when you’re going to run into this person), that you would appreciate her keeping her music down because your job requires you to be an early riser. A reasonable person will understand, be willing to work with you, and adjust themselves. If she ignores your efforts to "make nice", then you can't work with her and refer to nastier options above... or just tell that b*tch to check herself! Just kidding. Don't jump to conclusions though if you don't get a response. If you're lucky, she might just feel stupid. It would be ideal if we could all cohabit Earth peacefully, but that's not reality. Not every living situation is ideal but just be grateful you don’t have her as a roommate. It could always be a lot worse. Reading up on other people's roommate horror stories can be comforting too. There are plenty out there. Delight in the fact that once you shut your door, your space is yours and yours alone. That’s a luxury many people can’t even afford so you might want to focus on that. Either way, whatever you decide to do, it's probably just to make yourself feel better because a person who bumps their music late night like that, is usually aware of it and just being selfish or cocky. Good luck and don’t forget that two can play that game...
Friday, May 14, 2010
Charlie is here!
I offer honest advice on friends, love, relationships, family, work, etc. I live in Manhattan and work in the media. I'm very social. I know "people". I articulate relationship dynamics in a way you may find helpful, comforting or entertaining. Reading about other people going through things we can relate to is therapeutic, so browse the archives when you're feeling blue. You are not alone. It's hard to see a situation clearly when we are deeply involved in it. Emotions can cloud perception. Human beings are hard wired to connect to each other so we learn greatly from observing (& needing) each other. Allow my perception to help you by writing to me about an issue you are dealing with that needs help. I will listen and take time to assess your situation. You will always remain anonymous so feel free to be honest. Honesty is healthy, and it's my policy. I will tell you A) what you want to hear B) what you were already thinking C) what you don't want to hear D) what you may be in denial about E) what you suspect or F) what you haven't considered or weren't aware of... write to:
DearCharliegirl@yahoo.com
and don't forget to pray on it too.
DearCharliegirl@yahoo.com
and don't forget to pray on it too.
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