Dear Charlie,
I’m a freelancer who works with different people all the time. I try to make the work day pleasant by getting along with whoever I work with. This is not such a good thing, because I’ve learned that I’m too nice to people. To give you an example, last week I had to work with a girl whom I didn’t really like. I guess I gave her the impression that I wanted to be friends. Now she talks to me online nonstop, and pries into my personal life. She also tries to follow me around and find out where I am so she can go there. She doesn’t understand why I am never there for her, and actually got mad at me when I didn’t acknowledge her one night. Then she posted general comments about what a true friend is, which I know was directed at me. I actually felt guilty, even though I don’t really like her and I don’t want to be friends! She makes me feel like I have to answer to her and explain myself. How did I get to this point? How can I be polite to people without being too nice when I’m on a job? Also, how can I let this girl know that I’m not necessarily her friend just because we worked together?
-Too Nice
Dear Too Nice,
You may be a bit of a push over in your opinion, but this girl sounds a bit on the neurotic side. I would go as far as to say she is someone to avoid at all cost. Would you say that you feel vulnerable at times? Does that describe you? If so, you did a great job working with her, but now that the job is over, you can go home and leave it where you found it. Your feelings of vulnerability are getting the best of you. People who are very giving, are subject to be victim to people who enjoy taking. You owe this girl nothing and don’t let her make you feel otherwise or she will continue to walk all over you. You might be suffering from passive aggressive tendencies, but I understand your logic. When you go to work, you want things to go smoothly and for there to be no drama. You want to have fun while you’re working and for everyone to get along, so you create a friendly atmosphere. That’s wonderful. You sound like you adapt well. Not everyone is capable of making the most of things. Some people wear their feelings on their sleeve no matter who is in their company. Not you! You rise above it. I think these are your strengths. You are able to focus on the positive long enough to get a job done smoothly with a smile. My guess is that you manage to be very good with people, even though they may annoy you or possess traits you don’t care for. Perhaps deep down inside you are a bit of an actress, to be able to put on a happy face in any given situation. Charming! However, it can get you into a pickle depending on the personality types of those around you. Everyone responds differently to friendliness and charm. Those who are needy might latch on to a person who is socially giving or gregarious. When you offer some people a hand, they’ll take a whole arm and leg! You never know who you are dealing with. This particular girl sounds clingy and controlling. I think this title is abused, but I will go ahead and say it; I think you have a friend stalker on your hands. I deem her behavior as desperate after spending so little time with you. She is not the kind of friend I would want to involuntarily have either. Based on what little you have told me about her, she seems to be manipulative and assuming all too much. However, you may be responsible for leading her on a little. I don’t know the extent of what you evaluate as being “too nice”, but if it includes making future plans to hang out or expressing interest in meeting her boyfriend or people she knows, then yes. You gave her the wrong idea. I highly recommend being direct. If you run into her or have to work with her again, just tap into your inner actress and politely say something like “nice to see you, I have a very busy personal life, but working together was fun.” Be as friendly as you were the first time you met, and she will see that it's just how you are. Some people are online happy, and that’s a bulk of their social life, but to the rest of us it’s a bit ridiculous. Perhaps you gave her something emotionally that she never had before. If your friendly nature has gotten you into trouble on numerous occasions, then maybe there’s some truth to your self-review. We all could stand to learn a thing or two about social graces. Some people feel they are too nice, while others are extremely rude. Be glad you have this problem rather than that! There’s a difference between being polite and inviting friendship in. Where to draw that fine line pertains to the individual. I think you could be polite and friendly while remaining guarded, by not talking too much or giving out too much information about yourself. Be a good listener, without getting too personal. Keep the conversation light and pertaining to the present moment. When you start to share personal information, people feel close to you. Depending on how much you open up to them, they may be able to feel very close to you in a short period of time. You need to be more guarded and protective of yourself. Intimacy is not just a romantic expression between lovers; it also relates to sharing private and personal details with those around you. Don't get intimate with people you barely know. If you have a habit of being an “open book” when it comes to socializing, people will be more likely to walk all over you. When you share too much information about yourself, you make yourself vulnerable to others. Then you are sort of at their mercy. Be guarded, toughen your skin, keep people at a distance, and don’t be so eager to please everybody. I think in your situation it would be OK to practice a little selfishness. If you don’t feel like making friends, then don’t. If someone irritates you, don't be affraid to express that in direct or sublte ways. This takes practice. You need to exercise your right to be honest and pratice being direct. You go to work to work, and nothing more. Social boundaries become unclear when people share too much information. I think this kind of experience shapes us into assertive adults. Over time, you will learn tools to help you better conduct yourself with people in a professional yet friendly manner. As for that girl, some people just don’t get it and have a lot to learn. Sometimes we realize that we need to take a step back from people we have fallen into association with, either by not responding to them at all, brushing them off completely, or by responding curtly. They will get the message. Don't be affraid. It's small potatoes. It’s ok to screw up when you’re learning social graces!
